A support thread for ND peeps in relationships?

[SquirrelSoShiny]

I have ADHD. Idk if this is a good idea or not but I'm a bit despondent over some recent threads in relationships where people are struggling with their relationships with people with ADHD.

The thing is: they don't always seem to understand that asking a ND brain to act like a NT one is really a waste of time for both partners and will only lead to conflict and misery.

I'm also aware that people with ADHD can be more likely to be victims of gaslighting and manipulation/ guilting. I don't even think my husband intended to do this because when I became aware of it and started calling him out on it he made and makes a greater effort not to.

So I thought it might be nice for us to have a corner to cheer each other on. All ND welcome.

puts kettle on

Ah Squirrel that really sucks. Do you want to talk through what’s happened?

ofwarren that sounds awful. I don’t know if it makes any difference having a stranger say this, but I think this is a situation where you should absolutely prioritise your sensory needs. I think we can find ourselves putting a lot of effort into shielding our partners from our ‘quirks’ but sometimes we have to put our own needs first.

It's so hard
Hes currently in the kitchen singing do re me over and over again while I am sat with headphones and sunglasses on.
I know it's horrible, but I really hope this hyperfixation is short lived.

Did you talk to him about it @ofwarren? Because if you have and he's still doing it, he's a gobshite. And if you haven't talked to him about it ... he's not a psychic 😬

Yes, but he just got annoyed about it and stormed off.
He's talking less about it to me but I can still hear him.
He's in another room altogether and isn't really being very loud, so I know it's a "me" issue.
It's far worse when I'm already experiencing overload from other things too.
He's gone out now thankfully.

Sometimes there's an oppositional defiance thing with ADHD. If he has that tendency he might initially up the ante in a 'You're not the boss of me!' way then dial back on it. But if it's really distressing you I hope he takes it on board 🤗 and yes it may well be a short focused thing with some luck.

@Trivester thanks, we got sorted. He apologised and I told him very bluntly if he ever pulled that shit again I would be nailing him for it publicly rather than covering for him. Difficult to explain without being really obvious and outing. He got the message loud and clear though.

And to be fair, I was emotional and on edge about something else too which was probably colouring my mood so although he was out of order, I had the wit to take myself off out of the way a bit.

I'm doing a hateful household task that has taken me weeks. Instead of doing the work I want to do.

Whyyyyyyy?

@SquirrelSoShiny Nothing more effective for procrastination than procrastinating on something else

😂😂😂 so true

Struggling a bit today. I suddenly remembered my single life and how much happier I was before marriage and parenting. It made me sad thinking about who I was before and the toll marriage and family took on me. Being fair though, it offered a whole new direction in life.

It'll pass.

How are you doing today @SquirrelSoShiny ?

I have similar feelings at times. Dh and the dc gave brought much needed stability to my life and I’m honestly not certain I’d still be here if I didn’t have them, but that doesn’t stop me daydreaming about being single.

Up and down @Trivester not helped by it being 'the bad time of the month'. Thanks for asking 🙂 I've been finding unlikely inspiration in Jordan Peterson of all people. So between JP / Dana White for housekeeping and the Forest app on my phone I'm going to try and be more productive today 😬

I’m peri menopausal now and the bad time of the month is very bad - I swing from seeing dh as a god in a golden aura to barely being able to tolerate him in the house. I have to keep reminding myself that neither is reality.

I like JP because he gets me thinking - not always agreeing - and I really like a good debate. Nothing would get done around the house if it wasn’t for Dana.

@Trivester my favourite thing about diagnosis is actually understanding that it's ok for some things to work for me that don't work for others and vice versa.

Eg Dana White for housekeeping where all others have failed. 'Controlled binges' of junk food two or three days a month. Keeping tablets / vitamins somewhere really visible so I remember to take them at least 50% of the time (ADHD meds do not apply here, they're too lethal). Eating lots of hummus and avocado keeps my blood sugar more stable, and I eat a spoonful of peanut butter if I've hyper-focused, forgotten to eat and am about to go Incredible Hulk level hangry.

I'm off to the HRT clinic soon and praying for a miracle. I'm tired of feeling like I'm ready to lie down and die for ten days a month, not because I'm depressed but because staying alive seems like an exhausting chore. I need the energy to exercise and eat better.

And this made me really laugh in recognition 😁:

I swing from seeing dh as a god in a golden aura to barely being able to tolerate him in the house. I have to keep reminding myself that neither is reality.

Spending too much time on MN in the last few days but I'm working flat out in between so rather than spiralling into self loathing I'm just going with the flow.

Those good suggestions are great - I need to have a think about what might work for me. I’m leaning too hard on chocolate and Jaffa cakes

Crappy memory moment: I was tidying and decluttering my book shelves and I was considering a lump of bog oak and wondered if dh would like it because for some reason I associate it with him.

Turns out that’s because he bought it for me.

Aarggghh!