A support thread for ND peeps in relationships?

[SquirrelSoShiny]

I have ADHD. Idk if this is a good idea or not but I'm a bit despondent over some recent threads in relationships where people are struggling with their relationships with people with ADHD.

The thing is: they don't always seem to understand that asking a ND brain to act like a NT one is really a waste of time for both partners and will only lead to conflict and misery.

I'm also aware that people with ADHD can be more likely to be victims of gaslighting and manipulation/ guilting. I don't even think my husband intended to do this because when I became aware of it and started calling him out on it he made and makes a greater effort not to.

So I thought it might be nice for us to have a corner to cheer each other on. All ND welcome.

puts kettle on

My specific challenges are:

• Housekeeping / Admin


• Peri-menopause (there's ongoing research into the effects of peri on ADHD but essentially - it's amplifies the ADHD, especially in the latter half of my cycle). I've been referred to Meno clinic.


• Reactivity. DC is awaiting ADHD assessment. Sometimes we are very combustible together though on good days, I can be a better parent because I understand the struggle.


• I can get overwhelmed and retreat, especially in the week before my period. I get crazy noise sensitive


• Marriage can feel ... really boring. I don't like writing that but it's the truth. It's not really a natural state for me. I had lots of short relationships before marriage. I married my husband because he was so interesting ... but it's been a while and I think the childrearing years are tough. If we can make it to the freedom stage we actually get on great. We like travelling and give each other space for our own interests.

Sometimes the whole marriage and parenting thing feels like I've been sold a pup! Other times I'm really, really glad to be here. This of course is fairly universal, not just a ND thing.

I just think patriarchy can fuck off. Both my husband and I made the mistake of thinking I would miraculously become a nurturing earth mother type post marriage. I tried so hard I burnt myself out. I think that's why sometimes the threads on relationships are upsetting to read. Lots of posts about us all being lazy irresponsible gobshites, no one actually seeing the unbelievable effort we make.

I have to fight the urge to flee too many days. We're making progress post diagnosis but we're not out of the woods yet.

I hope this isn't just classic ADHD oversharing 😂

I strongly relate to the noise sensitivity. My NT husband is slightly deaf so it sometimes feels as if the TV volume is constantly being inched up and down. Sometimes he has to watch with headphones - fortunately our TV allows headphone and audio output at the same time.

Generally my husband is supportive but he sometimes gets impatient and doesn't understand why I can't do certain things - especially as there are things I can do in some contexts but not in others. Also some of the things I do just baffle him, like randomly hiding. I often make plausible-sounding excuses as it's too complicated to explain why I am doing a particular thing.

We don't have children - I could never have coped with them.

Randomly hiding made me smile. DC loves hiding. Under tables, under beds, in the spare room. We had to get a bit strict after the hiding outside incident...

Is your hiding escaping overwhelm? My equivalent is getting into bed and just gaming or web surfing. Preferably with a cup of tea and some Pringles 😂

Where do you randomly hide? I always fancy under the kitchen table but the floor is tiles.

@SquirrelSoShiny I relate to so much of what you have written. I’m struggling to articulate myself now (peri and wrong end of cycle) so placemarking to come back.

@BoardLikeAMirror I hide too. I try to curb it because of the dc and because I don’t want to have to admit to dh that I was hiding, so I only do it for seconds or minutes. But oh my, the deep peace of no one knowing where I am.

I feel inadequate most of the time. no one actually seeing the unbelievable effort we make resonates so strongly

@Trivester come eat Pringles with me, sistah! *fist bump

We basically need a very large blankie fort or else lots of individual ones within waving distance for those who can tolerate company. Snacks and tipples provided, eye masks and earplugs under every pillow.

Ah bliss 😊 😍

There's a nice space between the back of the sofa and book-cases which I like. We also have a 'true' spare room (no DC) which is a great place as we only ever use it for storage unless my parents visit. Sometimes the walk-in shower but that's not very comfortable.

Trivester It's lovely, isn't it?

If I sit on the floor between the sofa and the wall, it’s easy to be missed by someone looking from the doorway - there’s an awkward to reach plug socket there so there’s a reason for being there. The back of the coat closet, and the gap between the bookshelf and the wall are harder to style out 😂.

@SquirrelSoShiny can we have weighted blankets in that fort?

Oh most definitely, @Trivester ! If they help, put them in as an optional extra.

I'm actually really curious about them. I nearly bought one before because I really like hugs and they calm me down immediately BUT I also hate feeling confined / trapped and I don't know if they would make me panic. What's your experience of them?

Period just properly starting. I'm gritting my teeth and looking forward to better days soon... Maybe I should go get that blanket today! 😂

And the hugs thing... this is an ongoing problem, since this is a relationship support thread. I've told my husband many times that I really need affection to feel loved and that hugging me is one of the most effective things he can do to calm me down when I'm getting hyper and anxious and he still just ... doesn't.

It's becoming a real issue. Because I feel like I'm the one doing 100% of the emotional labour of preserving our marriage. I mean, I've gone for diagnosis, read the books, having the therapy, trying meds. All I want him to do is just ... give me a few hugs.

I'm actually getting angry thinking about it, which is why this thread is good, because I'm hormonal as hell and it's a better place to vent. But I mean when I look at that list of stuff I'm doing all to preserve this relationship and he can't give me a few hugs, that suddenly feels really, really unfair.

And the irony is, sometimes I think I would be so much happier alone.

I hide in the garden on a comfy chair, especially very early morning in a chaotic teenage household.

Peace.

My husband saw retreating as laziness. We both understand it better now that it can be better strategically especially when kiddo is hyper and emotional. If I'm not mentally in the calm zone, me entering the arena is like throwing petrol on a fire 😬

I had an ex who always referred to it angrily as 'stropping off'.

I wasn't - I was just removing myself from a situation I couldn't tolerate without a meltdown.

Yeah, I get it Board. Were you diagnosed at the time?

Sometimes DH reads the situation better than me now and gently gives me the Retreat signal if he sees both of us starting to get amped up 😬

No, unfortunately not Squirrel - this was back in the 1990s and I only had a very vague and inaccurate idea of what neurodivergence was. I knew I was different and other people knew I was different, but I had no idea why, other than an elaborate, comforting theory/fantasy I constructed in my teens that I was an alien planted on Earth to observe human behaviour and report back.

Board I had a friend who often talked about being an alien in the same way. I can imagine it was really comforting as an idea, I used to imagine that I had a different family that I would find were my 'real' family.

Sadly my friend had NPD alongside his adhd and autism so his alien fantasies took a darker turn. On good days he just wanted to get home to his planet which used to break my heart for him. On bad days they were going to come to earth to enslave us all and he had some ideas for helping them 🤦‍♀️ Needless to say his friendships used to hit the wall at some point... 😬😂

DH has been a saint this morning. Brought me brunch in bed so I could take my medication albeit late. So I'm finally managing to get a shower and do something. Roll on HRT, I have high hopes you might save me!

I’ve found weighted blankets great but I had to be persuaded to give it a proper go. First while it was too heavy on my feet and not enough weight on my shoulders. Then it was too heavy on my shoulders and too light on my feet. And then the magic happened. I couldn’t get up out of bed the next day. It was sensory bliss.

I tried it on a Friday night, early in the month when I wasn’t twitchy and impatient. Can’t always use it, but it really helps when I’m waking up in the wee hours with raging anxiety.

Stropping/sulking/silent treatment… all massive sins and evidence of abuse on MN.

DH is a huge advocate of talking things out, but I need time to process the problem or I can’t talk. Sometimes it’s been easier to put up with the problem than face a big discussion where I can get stuck and not able to articulate.

I’ve got better at expressing my need to withdraw - and he’s starting to understand that it’s part of my process, not a weapon. My dd used to go hide behind the sofa or face into a corner to deal with her big emotions, and it gave me a handle on what I needed to do to. Instead of trying to discuss everything calmly just because that sounded mature and reasonable.

I'm definitely going to think about the weighted blanket thing for kiddo at least. I might even sneak it on bad days 😁

How were your weekends? I felt very tired (off meds) and today I took them but feel pretty hyper. Finding it hard to make eye contact today too weirdly.

I’m dragging my way through post covid exhaustion. I never feel like I do the wife/mother 21st c woman thing well on a good day and my self esteem is in tatters at the moment. The house needs attention that I’m too tired to give it.

If I posted this on the main forums I’d get a load of “what about your dh…what about your dc…” which is fair enough. But what’s dragging me down isn’t the state of the house - it’s the feeling of inadequacy that’s always right under the surface.

I half expect dh to turn round and ask for a divorce so he can get himself a competent partner. When the dc were little I desperately wanted to leave do I could get out of the way of my replacement. DH has never said or intimated anything like this - it’s entirely in my head.

I need to rest, but rest is so hard when my brain is speeding up to compensate and I keep seeing things that need attention.

Sometimes I wish I could switch off everyone else and not think about/worry for a while. I need a break from being wife/mother without the fallout of upset dc/dh.

sorry that was a lot.

Ahhh @Trivester 🤗 I'm sorry you're feeling so buggered after covid. Did you have it recently? It definitely made my adhd symptoms worse for a couple of weeks 😫 which makes sense really. I mean NTs describing covid fog just sounded like me in the inattentive part of my cycle ... so it makes sense it would be even worse than usual.

I'm not at home right now but I'll message more later. But I do hear you and how wearing it all feels at times. Is it adhd you have? Sorry I might have missed it.

How are things going @Trivester?

Good job on the hiding from Active thing!

Can anyone advise what to do in this situation?
I'm autistic, DH ADHD.

His current obsession is "singing" and he's joined the choir at church. He got the kids to join too which I'm fine with as they seem to like it.

The problem I'm having is that one of my triggers is people singing our of tune or making repetitive sounds, so making the same note over and over. DH is not a particularly great singer so practice is so painful for me.

He's taken to going to the church itself to practice but he keeps wanting to discuss it with me and to show me (sing to me) what he's doing at the moment.

I really dont know how to approach it because if I say that I don't want him to do that, knowing him he will get massively offended.
He even sent me a voice message of him practicing in the church today and I can't bear to listen to it. It's making me so anxious.

I've not responded to the message but he's going to talk about it when he gets home, for sure

Ooooh that's a tricky one @ofwarren I feel for you!

My take, for what it's worth:

• What is it is triggering about it? Is it the specific tone or range? In this case using earplugs / ear defenders to 'soften' the sound might help.


• OR is it more the feeling of anxiety that you feel like you HAVE to listen to him? Trying to be a 'good wife'? I mean it's ok just to say 'look you know I'm having a sensory thing here. I can bear to listen to it once / twice / not at all'.

If you can bear it then you trying to listen after explaining the sensory thing might make a difference. I sympathise with both of you - I get very excited about new hobbies and want to talk all about them to DH and can feel very rejected and deflated when he doesn't want to BUT as long as I feel loved and encouraged overall it doesn't cause too much of a dent if that makes sense?

It was more of an issue when I felt like DH didn't really like me or vibe with me EVER and then every perceived rejection felt like a real wound. If things are good overall he'll be much more resilient in the face of the RSD thing. You both have needs so it's ok to state them. And if he insists on forcing it on you, it's ok to explain it calmly and firmly. 'DH, I told you this is causing me physical discomfort. I know you're excited and I'm really happy you're loving it but please. Stop. Singing it at me. I'll save it for the concert.'

I mean it's a really hard one :-/ It probably depends how much understanding you both have of yourselves and each other. Your tolerance limits.

Well after a good enough week just had a gaslighting attempt that blew my mind. I called him out on it very calmly then quietly retreated. He was so out of order and so unapologetic. I have to realise that he will always prioritise other people's feelings over mine and I have to decide if I can live with it.