Do you feel like there's something fundamentally unlikeable about you?

[Astralis]

I don't really know why I'm posting. I've just spent the afternoon at a school fundraising fun day and I feel like shit. If you ever go to these things do you find that while nobody is actively unpleasant, you feel like you're just not welcome?

All the time.

Yes - people sense I am different before I even open my mouth. Everything about me is somehow out of kilter - posture, gait, mannerisms. The sort of event you mention is exactly where this is most obvious; I find it best to avoid them unless absolutely necessary. Or simply not to try to engage but sit back watching the humans doing their thing, which can be quite interesting.

I am not neurodiverse (that I know of) but I can absolutely relate to wondering this, and often come away from stuff like that feeling like shit. 💐

I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. I’m ND and I don’t believe that I’m unlikeable but maybe at one time I would have. I am sure you are not at all unlikeable.

I do now understand the reality of finding it stressful to be around NT people (especially when it’s a lot of people). When I was 25 I went on a hen party to Spain with a good friend. I didn’t enjoy it at all. It wasn’t the fault of those, there but it just wasn’t the right environment for me. And now I wouldn’t do a thing like that.

What you need to remember is that you have the right to live your life in a way that makes you happy. You don’t need to run around trying to appease NT people by trying to fit in with them or mask because that’s exhausting.

Definitely. I have almost never passed an interview in my life - and I've interviewed for a lot of things. Even if I am the world's shittest job candidate I should have been offered something by now purely by virtue of having applied for so many things. Whilst I definitely don't have fantastic self-esteem I would say that I'm friendly, positive, helpful, polite etc so I really don't see what I'm expected to do beyond gaining qualifications and "keep[ing] trying"

Constantly. Don’t know where I go wrong but I just don’t seem to fit in with people.

I have quite a funny story about how I figured out that I’m autistic. I started going to a gym and I looked around at how the other people were behaving in the gym and realised I’m so different. For example, they seemed to want to be talking instead of working out.

The funniest thing was realising that when people smile at me, or try to make contact, I think that I am smiling back but I’m not! And the only reason I figured this out was because of all the mirrors in the gym.

Thanks everyone. Sorry for those who have similar situations.

Logically it's not a surprise that I found this afternoon difficult. If someone else had written this post I'd say "oh I find those events really difficult". It's just another reminder that I don't fit in. On the surface it's a friendly, community-minded event. If you passed by, you'd see lots of people chatting to the parents of their kids' schoolfriends, having a lovely afternoon. I took my son, I chatted to people I knew, smiled at people I didn't know, I helped out at a stall... But I just feel like the people I spoke to were either politely tolerating me, or "excuse me, I must go and see so-and-so now " and I genuinely don't know why it's like that for me. Five decades of masking and observing social behaviour and apparently I still don't pass muster 😂

On the flip side though I was at a club for ND kids yesterday and people seemed to like me 😊😂
(I've no diagnosis, lifelong traits of asd and adhd)

Yes. EVERYONE seems to dislike me. I’m unlikeable.

DH (who loves me miraculously !) says I come across as truthful and honest to the point of rudeness sometimes and can seem ‘off’ if overwhelmed. Apparently I also go to any length to prove a point and that can irritate people too

My DD feels like this all the time. Such a lovely girl but struggles to make and maintain core friendships, especially with other girls. OP post brought back a sad memory of her just quietly sobbing on my bed saying mum why don’t people like me?

Plenty of studies show that NT dislike autistics when they meet them. Apparently we give off signs that make them uncomfortable. Our body language, our posture and gait all make NT people stop and think that something is "off" but they don't know what.
www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2020.0059

Yes I feel that way. And it must be true because no one has ever sought me out to spend time with me.

Absolutely. Through my childhood, teens and 20s, I knew I wasn’t liked, even in People Pleaser mode, so by the age of 13 I’d knocked that fucker on the head, along with bothering my arse to mask. Both were too exhausting, particularly when it got me nowhere.

Now in my late 30s, and I’ve accidentally ended up surrounded by a handful of ND women (I was diagnosed years ago; my close friends much more recently). When we spend time together, there is no frippery or NT bullshit, they don’t drain the life of out of me, and it’s an entirely different dynamic. I have a very finely tuned Potential Undiagnosed ND Woman Radar, that I am apparently unaware of.

95% of people don’t like me and frankly I don’t fucking like them either

Constantly

I love this

Yes definitely get this. I’m lucky that some people I gel with and have some life long friends…unfortunately there’s some people who take an instant dislike to me and try to bring me down at every opportunity. Don’t know why really, I do just try to be pleasant and get on with things. Before I knew I was Autistic, I agonised over this. Why did people hate me? What was wrong with me? Now I know it’s just that some people are arseholes who like to bring others down, especially when “others” are a bit odd or quirky. Sometimes I do put my foot in my mouth but I don’t mean to be rude!
The irony is that common saying of “Just be yourself, people will like you”. Nah most people can’t bear to be around me without the mask on! But I’m lucky I have space to unwind and people I really can be myself with. That’s where I find my balance.

Yup! I find it really hard to land on my feet socially. I remember crying once at a toddler group that I volunteered at, that I was lonely. It was a church toddler group, they told me to come to midweek events. I just wanted to go out for a bloody coffee with people.

People just don’t seem to ‘get’ me (duh), but I’ve got some people around me currently and mostly content.

Funnily enough, I work in healthcare (not a doctor), but seem to get on like a house on fire with the medics. It always gives me pause for thought that one.

Yes. People don’t want to be my friends. In a group situation they will tolerate me but I’m never “in” with the crowd, nor am I invited when they meet up outside of the group. I’m kept at arms length and spoken to politely; meanwhile other people join the group after me and are quickly accepted and greeted with a hug.

In a work sense, when I first graduated I used to get interviews because my CV looked good and I had good qualifications, but as soon as they met me they would decline to employ me. I would get feedback like “we were really excited to interview you because you’re so well qualified, but after meeting we feel there’s just no personal rapport”. They would also give feedback like I don’t smile enough and talking to me feels awkward - even though I’d have spent the entire interview trying my best to be super outgoing and smiley. I failed to get a job for so many years that it left a huge gap on my CV and now I’m not employable in a decent job any more.

These situations aren’t one offs. They’ve happened repeatedly for years. Pretty much every single time in fact. DH says I’m too blunt and serious which can seem rude. And I’m not chatty and gossipy so I don’t fit in. I’m more likely to start a conversation about an interesting fact that I learned recently, when apparently I should be saying did anyone see the latest episode of Love Island. Even DH doesn’t really like me I think. He married me because he was struggling to get a girlfriend and I was pretty.

Well that’s fucking depressing and explains a lot 😩

When I was in my teens and 20s I was very much like this. Now I can mask like a pro and most people like me. My DP actually says I have a split personality. It's exhausting.

@BananaShrimp Yeah, it really is depressing because there is literally nothing we can do about it.
I can mask, but not for long as its exhausting.
I'd love to spend some time with other autistics to see if I fair any better.

100% - there must just be something “off” about my mannerisms even though I thought I was a pretty good mimic.

reminds me of that plastic surgery show nip/tuck where the surgeons perfectly fix the face of a gorilla - but when they put it back in the wild the others killed it. They could tell.

I’m also terrible at job interviews - but like someone else mentioned ND kids love me and open up to me. 🤷‍♀️ I love this because there’s no BS about them.

I’ve also been lucky enough to curate (wanky word) a small group of ND adult female friends who are wonderful. No game-playing or bitchiness.

I think people generally like me, or at least don't dislike me. I've got a good long-standing friendship group from university, and had a close circle of toddler group friends, although we've drifted apart now that our kids are teens.A high proportion of my friends have turned out to be ND, though. I definitely find it easier to form friendships with fellow ND people, and tend to like them and relate to them better than NT people.

I mask very well though - I tend to be very good in job interviews and usually get the job if I've reached that stage, and I do that involves a lot if social interaction with strangers, which I enjoy. My ADHD actually makes me pretty good at being very sociable and charming for limited periods of time.

Funnily enough my DD gravitates to Non Nero typical pals. She's been doing it since she could toddle, I suspect although have we have no formal diagnosis for her she's in a similar camp. It's heart breaking to watch because you can tell she senses she's different but not sure why.

That said - these types of events are a special type of hell and I'm absolutely convinced you have to be a borderline sociopath to enjoy them. But again that might be because I'm non neotypical myself but I do enjoy people watching at these events. Reminds me of animal documentaries human style.