Do you feel like there's something fundamentally unlikeable about you?

[Astralis]

I don't really know why I'm posting. I've just spent the afternoon at a school fundraising fun day and I feel like shit. If you ever go to these things do you find that while nobody is actively unpleasant, you feel like you're just not welcome?

Yes
Had 3 friends at school.
Went to uni and 'friends' on my floor who then excluded me from the moving into off campus for y2 which was very very distressing. I had to move to another on campus.
There i found better friends (interested in biology etc) there was a lad i liked but he didnt really like me back.
3rd year again in halls (but actually my really popular friend also got excluded from houses so conclude it can be somewhat bitchiness too.
As pp say then had loads of interviews no luck. Go a job through an agency. Offered promotions so no interviews. An interview i did do there were say 3 jobs and i had to reinterview despite when getting the job (at same level) being much more qualified than the others.
Mum groups like others say i did make 'friends but only 1 ever invited me over to their house (asd child).
So now with a y5 and y1 i have 1 school parent friend.
Ive tried with dc2 but its been really hard ,as covid masks and no parent meet ups or parties etc.

Im not sure what it is
Oversharing
Direct
Im not interested in make up
I can be stressed (due to asd kids and they think im a shouty rubbish parent)

Also i dont like being dropped so once that happened a few times i never really try.

Also im critical
Of school etc and people dont let you complain about things like school keeping yojr good reader on a low band etc
Dc1 has been chucked out of an activity and the leader doesnt see tharpt she is autistic and wouldnt care dd is just annoying to them as she wont join in on everything, doesnt like loud noise. So woman actually said giving place to someome else. Not getting that dd really needs the social help.
Dd has 1 friend (also likely asd)
Im not sure its just that they dont like her she has just gradually withdrawn.
But she now doesnt even try with new people

My closest family, friends and colleagues love me as I am but I definitely feel like this a lot in wider social and family circles.

It’s made me feel very sad and isolated in the past and has also made me try too hard to get people to like me.

As I’ve got older I think I care less but still struggle at the school gate and in social situations with people I don’t know.

I know people on this thread will relate to this! I was in the hairdressers a couple of weeks ago waiting on my kids and this lady started making conversation with me and I realised I can’t remember the last time I had a proper conversation with someone who wasn’t a family member or a colleague or a paid professional. It really has been years and years. It was really quite nice! She seemed a bit ‘odd’ herself so maybe that’s why she spoke to me but it was just so lovely to have a chat.

The Chris Packham thread in AIBU proving the point I made when sharing the studies that show NT people just don't like autistics.

They don't like us but cannot explain why.

Some people saying the quiet bit out loud, they don't like his voice and mannerisms and that he has a 'one track mind'.
Would NTs admit they feel like this about a deaf person? That they don't like their mannerisms or the sound of their voice?
I expect not

@ofwarren I remember being in first year of secondary school and we had to write a piece "celebrating other people's skills". I remember the person doing me got up and talked about how I was so clever, spoke well etc and at the end went, "but there's just something about you which means I don't like you I'm really, really sorry. I don't know what it is". I remember my form tutor nodding in agreement and then literally catching herself and blurting out, "uh...that's not kind, you shouldn't say that".

@LillyDeValley
Oh my god, I actually feel sick reading that. Absolutely awful, I'm so sorry

Thank you @ofwarren . 30 years later, professional job and kids and still hurts. I was on another thread about comments to a child with possible ND and it made me really sad, because unfortunately I don't think attitudes have changed.

I don't think they have either. There are generally always a few horrible comments on every post about autism on here.

@LillyDeValley I'm so sorry, that sounds horrendous. You poor love.

I had an employer say this to me. I was interviewed by a manager who was quiet and perhaps a little bit ND himself and we got along ok. He hired me. But two hours into my first day on the job, the (NT extrovert salesman type personality) business owner sacked me, saying there was something about me that he found weird. He said I made him feel awkward because I was too withdrawn and didn’t smile enough. He didn’t even say sorry, he just said he didn’t like me and he couldn’t explain why, just he felt I wasn’t personable enough to work there. I’d quit my previous job to accept that one so I was basically left with no way to pay for food or keep a roof over my head for the next six weeks until I became eligible for Jobseeker’s Allowance.

@Suddha wow, that's absolutely horrendous!

@ofwarren it is horrendous, isn’t it? I was devastated and it put me off applying for jobs for years afterwards because I was afraid of how people would judge me for my autism. If he’d judged me on anything else such as clothing or qualifications then I could work on improving that, but there’s nothing I can do about being autistic.

@Suddha I felt a horrible jolt to my stomach reading your post as I went through something fairly similar as a teenager taking part in a work experience scheme. I'd forgotten about how unpleasant and uncomfortable it was until I read your post. I'm so sorry you were subjected to that. Equally @LillyDeValley - another dreadful event. I'm so sorry 🙁

I've lost count of the horrible comments I've been on the receiving end of. I'm old though, so I've had longer to endure shit from NT's.

For example - a former manager talking about me to a colleague 'she's such a pedantic pain in the arse'. I'm deaf (as well as autistic) and a life long lipreader. I 'saw' her say it. I let her know what I'd witnessed. Her face was crimson!!

A colleague told me that I was 'fucking bitch' because I politely declined an invitation to a team night out. I reported her for that as she'd previously called me a 'fucking weirdo' because I don't shop in Primark, so being called fucking anything again was a step too far.

@Suddha I'm so sorry; what he did is of course technically illegal but no one is ever going to pursue it in those circumstances. I feel for you so much.

I think the asd adults can get passed over for promotion too. My friend with chemistry degree was clearly the best in the team at the job but he wasnt getting even deputy team leader. His main issue was he wouldn't stop talking. Instead a history grad got it but she couldnt do the job. Personally i think this attitude (coming from usa) where pbersonality and behaviour is more important than intelligence and skills is why lots of companies are in such a mess.
Often sat there thinking 'this isnt going to work' which stressful to hold in all the time.

I lke CP so going to have to read the thread. I generally like it when people have interests my struggle is when they dont!

I've just read the CP thread. Some of the posts are nasty. I don't have the mental energy to post on there today, but I want to say well done to @ofwarren for challenging some of the posts.

Creepiest man on the telly? FFS 😡

@Clarice99 and none of them will say why he is creepy. We know why though, they just won't admit their ableism.

I think there is a difficult balance to be struck between people being in senior positions because they are good at the job they do and because they are good people managers. Sometimes you get it all in one, and other times only one is applicable. I know some large companies are trying to separate it out so you can deliver your job in a more senior way without having to manage others, or you can support a team without having to be a subject specialist.

I am ND myself but I have to say the time I spent being managed by someone with no people skills at all and who (to me) was clearly someone with undiagnosed autism were intensely miserable. I've been managed well and badly by various people through my career who may or may not have been ND but I do think he was an example of someone incredibly intelligent and excellent at specific parts of his job who simply couldn't (and didn't want to) manage staff.

@Doubleraspberry my DH who has ASD had this issue. He’s in a very technical skilled job. Brilliant at his job, but terrible at sales. People management hes ok at if it’s helping them with work etc, terrible for emotional/he issues. Anyway, he basically wasn’t getting promoted and he was looking to move to go to an in-house role to get round this issue. His company to keep him effectively created a technical director job for him. However it worked so well they then reorganised so now there are 3 types of director - sales, people managers and technical. It’s been incredibly successful because everyone is working at what they are best at.

That’s the sort of thing, @LillyDeValley . In the end, that awful manager of mine ended up in a job created just for him that meant he could share his knowledge outside a team structure.

It also actually works well for people who do excel at management as they can be recognised for that. But it’s hard to do in small companies where you really need people to wear multiple hats.

I’ve been told on many occasions that I’m weird. I always feel disliked and have done since I was a child. I never had friends, I was the kid that everyone hated. Now im the colleague that everyone rolls their eyes at 😂 luckily my childhood grew me an extremely thick skin and now I just find it funny. There are a few people that get me and like me and that’s all I need.

Bumping this, as just found this board and am reading and nodding along to so much. I almost certainly have ADHD (probably should get diagnosed, but keep procrastinating...) and have had these sorts of experiences all my life.

Like other ADHDers seem to report, people often like me to start with as I can turn on the charm for short periods of time and am warm, funny, a good laugh, etc.

But the 'weirdness' starts to creep in pretty quickly - very loud, dramatic, prone to flying off the handle, (at times) dangerously impulsive, struggle to listen to people when they are talking about something I am not interested in, zoning out, etc, finishing people's sentences off for them - impatience, can't do things like walk slowly or wait for trains/buses (dragging people on 5+ mile walks because I refused to wait 5 mins for a bus), struggled to channel hyperactivity into anything useful and would often do incredibly stupid, impulsive things like randomly chuck a ball into someone's face/throw things over fences/whack balls out of play/run off/etc in sport - generally on edge a lot. Also suddenly becoming overstimulated/overwhelmed and needing to leave places or going very quiet (often after being really hyper).

I was tolerated by some people at school, but always on the edges, and some people just outright disliked me (to the point I was physically attacked on a couple of occasions, like a pp). Have only a couple of proper friends as an adult - no one from school/uni. I have lots of acquaintances - people I will chat to, but barely any deeper friendships. I have been called the 'drinking friend', for example - and now I don't really drink, those sorts of friendships have dried up.

I can mask, but have to think about what I am doing constantly and coach myself through it (eye contact - not enough, or too much - am I talking too much - ask them a question - etc). I guess NT people don't need to do this!

I find NT friendships strange when I observe them. Often I find I don't like the people who seem to be the most popular - I have no idea what draws people to them. I find many people NT dull and/or irritating. I have some autistic traits too, but don't think I would meet criteria for diagnosis.

I used to care deeply, but it bothers me far less now. Luckily I am pretty introverted and happy by myself. My dh and dc like me!