Do you feel like there's something fundamentally unlikeable about you?

[Astralis]

I don't really know why I'm posting. I've just spent the afternoon at a school fundraising fun day and I feel like shit. If you ever go to these things do you find that while nobody is actively unpleasant, you feel like you're just not welcome?

Is anyone else having problems with comments disappearing from this post?

Yes, I keep having to flick between the app and the website.

@BananaShrimp I agree I think I'm a pretty nice person it's the other people that don't seem to agree 😬

@BananaShrimp I came here to type a comment and I read yours and honestly feel I could have written it word for word. I've always been a kind, friendly and empathic person (I think anyway) and have always done my best to try to get on with others, only to be rejected or bullied time after time or attacked. It has led to me shutting down big time and becoming quite agrophobia which I'm trying to overcome.

Like others have said, I don't think I am at all fundamentally unlikeable, I know if I met me I would like me, but through an NT lens, I'm simply just not liked and people can sense I'm different

Yet another NT person piling on an ND thread telling me how I can and cannot describe my 30 odd years of lived experience.

I've lost all my school friends and didn't really make any friends at university. Was desperately lonely. Now still very few friends.zero chance making any friends locally with school mums as I just don't fit in on many levels.
I desperately miss going out and am so sad that I just have never fitted in anywhere. Luckily my DH likes me. He can somehow see through all the crap that others can't. Come across so many men at work that seem to hate me.

I think I must just be unplaceable for them. I make an effort with appearance but am techy and some just hate me.

I've had years of strangers shouting insults at me in the street. Until recently I have attributed this to being unattractive* but I now wonder if my ND might also be playing a part in this.

*Please note that I am objectively, by any standard, extremely unattractive and I am not looking for people to start telling me that 'everyone is beautiful inside' and other such annoying platitudes.

Oh God! The movers and shakers at school fundraising events. I’m more of an observer and shuffler and would have felt exactly the same.

I have ADHD - the extremely annoying version. (Distinct from the nice but a bit daydreamy and disorganised version two of my colleagues have).

It’s not that people dislike me … I have to work hard to manage myself to not be incredibly annoying. I’m very aware of it and I really don’t want to irritate and inconvenience people by being, well, myself.

So it’s easier for everyone if I either don’t bother going or volunteer in some capacity that means I’m constantly busy without bothering other people. I do like to be helpful generally, so I just volunteer for something that looks most suitable.

The while rejection sensitivity dysphoria thing means that I always feel anxious after social events as I fear how annoying I was.

I don't have any actual friends but I have some acquaintances from community groups where I live. They are all over 65 though and I'm 42. I do find that older NT women don't seem to be as bad. I don't know why though. They seem more accepting somehow.

This is a really interesting thread. I have ADHD rather than Autism. Like a poster earlier said, I can be witty and charming for short periods, meaning that I generally get on with work colleagues etc very well. However I struggle with friendships on anything past aquaintance level. I have a group of friends but am definitely the outsider, in fact I often feel like I wouldn't be there at all if it wasn't for my bond with one of them in particular. Interestingly, I suspect she may be ND too. People generally drain me

I only really get on with other ND people. Funnily enough we tend to make friends first and then get diagnosed. All of the people I'm currently friends with are late diagnosed autistic and I suspect all my partners have been undiagnosed.

I get on brilliantly with my most recent ex and we are so similar in everything, even to the extent of what makes us anxious. I can't believe that he's NT.

In normal society I feel awkward, out of place, like I'm doing it all wrong. It feels like I'm holding my breath all the while I'm in a social situation and then have to let it all out afterwards.

I suspect that we don't tolerate the polite social chit chat that everyone else uses to feel a superficial sense of belonging. To us it feels fake and superficial and we want more in depth conversation. So if we don't get that connection we feel out of sorts whereas everyone else would probably feel ok with that and that we were inappropriate and intense if we had conversations to our liking.

It's not just you OP. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you.

There is a certain type of woman who really seem to hate me and it’s usually ones who are middle aged say it like it is types I think because I come across as a bit vague and In my own world they just see me as some airy fairy idiot when the truth is acting vague is the only way I can cope with meeting new people until I feel comfy with them . Had a long lost family member turn up at a family party and I offered her a seat and got a mouthful of abuse from her with her saying did it look like she needed a seat ? I can’t mask unless I’m either with my DH or got someone else there as a sort of comfort blanket . It’s shite .

@SylviasMotherSaid my experience has been the same

I'm too blunt apparently. I cut right to the point and don't dress anything up in fancy language and people don't like that.

I'm also aloof and have a don't fuck with me demeanour and well established rbf 😆

What's to like?! 🤦‍♀️🤭

I've always been told I am aloof too and asked if I'm angry because of the rbf. So tiring to have to concentrate on what my face and body are doing whilst talking to someone.

Yes. I was bullied at school. At university, work and life several people just don’t like me.

I have to say as I have got older it has got easier. I have some fantastic friends (a lot I think are ND), but also I think I’m now at a stage where the odd, but highly intelligent seems to go across better and becomes more interesting.

Sorry to butt in but I would like to know if the issue with not finding autistic people "likeable" applies to those with autistic family members/neurodiverse family members?
I have quite a few friends who either are autistic or have autistic family members, and my DS has ADHD and some autistic traits. I am very low on all those AQ type scales, though a bit "non girly" so never had those friendships based on makeup and boys. I have a few very long standing firm friendships and can do small talk with the best of them so my lack of a huge mums-who-drink circle is more down to my lifestyle than me personally.
My friends who are autistic are those that I'd meet in our women's group/for a coffee/who go to choir with me/sports clubs - not those who come to huge parties/festivals/mums-who-drink nights out. With a DS with these traits and with several friends before DCs who have autism, I can see the differences that people notice in themselves but it is just "different" to me not "unlikeable".
The exception is a few people who are really just unpleasant and may, actually, not have autism. For example I worked with a bloke who was one of those "I have my hobby horse and you will listen to it even if you don't want to" types and claimed he was undiagnosed ASD, which was why he bored on about stuff, stood too close to you, and was rude. But honestly that could have just been his personality/unpleasant nature/how he thought people wanted techy men to be. We were all glad when he moved on - he made my (female) boss cry on more than one occasion (sadly not HIS boss!)

(Though maybe I am forcing my autistic friends to do small talk - I'm sure there's a fine line between me keeping the conversation going/trying to talk about subjects that people actually want to talk about and me forcing people to keep talking when they are tired!)

You don't get to police our language.

I totally relate to thinking I'm a likeable person but other people think otherwise!

Maybe a few years before I realised I was ND I actually asked my bf 'What is there to dislike about me?' when it was very obvious his brother and wife just didn't like me for what still appears to be no reason at all. I was being a bit tongue in cheek but when I look back I can see it's such a recurring situation.

I try to be welcoming and friendly, but somehow I get it wrong. I care about it less now I'm older and have adapted to having no friends, but it would be be nice to be able to chit chat rubbish with other women sometimes.

I'm not ND and don't mask, but I think I have some ND traits, not many.

If I'm feeling anxious then these come out, if not and I'm confident and happy then they don't come out.

I do think at some of these types of events it's really hard to fit in with a bunch of randoms.

Also with the random disliking, I met one woman (friend of a friend) years and years ago and she took a random dislike to me on the spot within 10 minutes of meeting me, in fact I think she'd decided to do this beforehand. It was only when I spoke to a male friend when we had lunch one day and I mentioned X was really unfriendly (I generally didn't pay her much attention) that he said, you do know that she's insecure due to being an orphan from a young age and she's told me she thinks you're really pretty etc. So probably jealousy! I've also had random mostly women I work with or for who think they're better than you or don't like e.g. that you're confident/sociable etc. Truth is, I'm not going to change for those types either.

I did used to work with someone (for a few months) who was very annoying and in her 30's. Always very OTT, loud and she even said one day 'I'm like XXX and my mum says I'm really annoying and wonders why she had me but that's just the way I am'. I think she had ADHD. Our other team members got on with her and gave her passes for her behaviour but if you were trying to work it could get a bit grating.

I've had to process this for a couple of days before replying because it's really resonated with me and has been quite upsetting. Yes, this is me. People like me initially but soon loose interest once they realise I have nothing more to give. Groups of people that I have met through my life have made long lasting friendships with each other but not me. I worked in sales for a while in my mid/late 20s and that was really good for me in learning techniques for conversing with people, but it's worn off now I work in a different industry. I'm 50 now and just exhausted with it all. Covid was a good leveller, it made me stop masking and really get what I do and why. I'm finding it near impossible to start again now the world has opened up again.

I absolutely relate to this and like others have said it’s almost as if people have already decided they don’t like me before I have even opened my mouth. I think I just come across as awkward and that can be sensed before you speak.

It’s tricky. It makes work difficult because people just can’t be bothered with me and even most of my own family dislike me.

Can we change though? I’m really not sure!

I often wonder if I'm ND or if I'm just anxious and introverted. I really relate to a lot of this thread especially the trying to be last at the school gate thing. My mom picks up my dd sometimes and is always telling me about a chat she had with someone there she seems to know so much about people right away and I barely have spoken to any of them.