Do you feel like there's something fundamentally unlikeable about you?

[Astralis]

I don't really know why I'm posting. I've just spent the afternoon at a school fundraising fun day and I feel like shit. If you ever go to these things do you find that while nobody is actively unpleasant, you feel like you're just not welcome?

Yes absolutely.

I tend not to be at big events because I'm not invited not because I don't want to be there. But I think there is this pressure to talk and fill the silence when there doesn't need to be.

I suspect my DM has something - socialising exhausts her and her anxiety is sky high - my parents always said their faces didn’t fit.

DM struggled at school gate and hated it- however as a GM picking up DN - people would come over and talk to her when she really wasn't bothered. I wonder if her appearance fit some archetype of Grannie which make her suddenly appear approachable. She complains she can’t go out for a walk without people stopping her and talking – puts her off doing it as she hates small talk.

I think she desperately wanted to fit in when younger and now can’t be arsed everyone all over her – she likened it to cats.

DDad on other hand has something opposite to charm. His sibling my Uncle has charm and you see people respond but Dad will make some innocuous possible unoriginal comment and people bristle up and get very nasty which upsets him and it's got worse with age. Comments FIL can and does make and gets a smile – DH says it’s really odd to see.

It’s so inconsistent with me – I don’t know what the difference is – I am shy and quite and can be anxious is it that or me being ND – though my entire family told DH before he marred me he could do better in front of me and not as a joke – they love me but comment like that I don't find helpful.

People can be quick to suggest what's wrong -I'm told to smile - but that's wrong it's too much - I approach people and start to talk that's wrong, - I wait that's wrong - I’m to desperate to be friends or too indifferent - it's like everyone else got a crib sheet or lessons and I didn't.

Yes, but like everyone else I'm not sure what it is!

"Seems somewhat aloof in the context of the class." (school report)
"You're actually really funny." (girl at school in different friendship group)
"You're always misunderstood." (ex-boyfriend)
"I actually really like you now I've got to know you better." (ex-colleague)

Bizarrely, I have often been described as a 'lovely lady' yet I'm always on the fringe. I very rarely fit in anywhere. I care about people and I'd like to think I'm kind but I suspect I am a bit blunt and very black and white.

Thankfully I have DH who is probably my greatest fan but I suspect he might be on the spectrum too.

Checking in!
I’m well-liked on mumsnet. In fact I once got described as “royalty”!

I'm not neurodiverse and I would say that this exactly describes me.

I think it's partly me, but I wonder if it's because I didn't have a close relationship with my mother so wonder if that left me wondering subconsciously if I'm loveable/likeable.

All the time.

Yes, I wonder if it's the anxiety affecting my ability to chat to people. I have a friend who can chat forever, however she remembers what she was talking about with you, or anyone, so the next time you meet she immediately asks after whoever or whatever you were last talking about.
Whereas I just don't remember these things normally, not sure if I am just selfish, not interested in other people enough, forgetful (I am this), or anxious and things just don't stick.

NC for this.

I have neither sought or obtained any sort of diagnosis, but it has been suggested by people who know me well that I might well be "on the spectrum." Reading this thread I am finding that I relate very well to many of the posts, so I am increasingly inclined to believe that this may well be the case.

I also have found the link below to be both amusing and relatable ... has anyone else come across this?
angryautie.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/the-institute-for-the-study-of-the-neurologically-typical/

Since the age of 11, over 30 years ago, I knew I was different. My peers knew how to find their place at school, I never did. I never fitted in and always felt I was misunderstood. I was am easy target for bullying.

I have had friendships where I tolerated a lot of crap due to wanting to keep the few friends I had.

I definitely irritate people and they tolerate me rather than want to be around me. An ex colleague had a 40th birthday party. Every old team member were invited except me - one of them tried to come up with a reason to console me. I always knew she was not keen on me and this proved it.

I did struggle a bit with friendships when I was younger but I don't think I felt unlikeable then. I do feel like that now (late 40's) and have no friends at all, I also feel my ASD has become more prominent as I've got older though and if I'm honest it's too much effort to try with people anymore.

Some comfort in knowing we are not alone!

Have really resonated with this thread. I did ok at school but on the borders which suited me fine.
worried about kids at school though.

Is there any aspects of your behaviour or nature, events in life, which are advantageous over NT people.

I work at a university and DH used to work in insurance. So many of my colleagues are neurodiverse - very successful in their field, the institution is understanding in general and of students too. DH said there were a lot of actuaries who were ND too. Very well paid and mainly walked around without their shoes on.
But of course many have DCs that are less able to live independently.
I often think it must have been easier to live in the past with smaller towns, more routine etc.
I'm not ND but have relatives who are.

Well previous poster says many employees who are ND are very successful in their careers - perhaps they have better ability than NT for this type of work.
Are NDbeing pointed to the right careers?

I have a fair amount of friends, but they're all ND/NAT or understanding of such and they like my quirks. I find it uncomfortable when I become aware of folk's not liking me, but I can be an adult about it and just give them room. Some of our neighbours love, genuinely, my OH but give me a wide berth. It's awkward but understandble. I recently found a way of saying to them "I know I can be awkward", so that they don't have to feel bad about it!

I find the same with our neighbours apart from one who I also think is ND.
I have always struggled to fit in and blamed it on my shyness, appearance, being weird it's only after diagnosis at 30 that I realised it was due to my Adhd ( diagnosed)and possible autism.
I have always had the feeling of people looking at me strangely when I talk like chatting to checkout lady in Tesco she will start to make small talk and I say something back and I know I'm not being "normal". I speak loudly and become over enthusiastic too quick or overshare. I can remember my mother doing the same and feeling embarrassed and now I'm doing it!
I find the whole school run, mixing with other parents excruciating. I have tried so hard to chat to people but it's like they have some magic memo of what to say and how to act whereas I am struggling.
I am hoping as I get older, I'm now in my 40s that I can accept being different and not beating myself up about it. I remember my grandmother saying she wasn't a group person and had autistic traits but she just didn't care and lived her life not giving a crap what people thought of her, she's my inspiration

God yes, I've been described as all of those! Add in 'underrated' and 'underappreciated'. Even though those were meant to be kind comments, they made me feel even more like shit because the person who made them was basically admitting I'm not generally well-liked.

I tend to hang out almost exclusively with other ND people these days. It's just so much easier and so much less hassle to know that people take you at face value and aren't projecting whatever weird shit they happen to have in their head onto you. I don't need to agonise over every text in case I get the 'tone' wrong, or try to work out whether they actually meant it when they said I didn't need to bring anything to their party.

or try to work out whether they actually meant it when they said I didn't need to bring anything to their party.

I hate this one - I usually assume it's safer to ignore and take something - but often that seems wrong.

There was a recent family anniversary and I was deliberatley not told the date as they didn't want me to get anything - they actually said this while still being miffed because I hadn't got them anything or sent a card or rung as I didn't know when it was and had asked a few times.

DH thinks I was set up to fail here.

I've also heard the 'underrated' and 'underappreciated' and also an "acquired taste" and not known how to respond and think it's negative.

Oh god yes, this has been my whole life 😣

From my earliest school days, when other children just didn't gel with me and I was always the last one picked for teams and the one wandering the playground on my own (and no, I wasn't happy in my own world, it just ended up being where I retreated to because I didn't fit in anywhere else!).

I'm always on the edge of everything, even when I try and fit in I somehow just...don't... It's been like this since I can remember.

People just don't like me much. And even when I find people I get on with, they don't consider me a friend or part of their group.

Now I'm in my 40s with an autistic child, realising over the last few years that I'm absolutely definitely also autistic has been a revelation!

Yes. It’s like I give off a Ready Brek style aura of “different”. I find it useful to limit my expectations. Instead of going to an event for its entirely, I go for an hour or so. I can mask and do people/situations for a short period of time and find that people are then responsive toward me. If I overdo it, stay too long, I get quieter and quieter and “disappear”. I’m there, but I’m NOT capable of engaging further.

Yesterday, I went to a neighbour’s birthday get together. I was there no more than an hour. I’d said I’d “call in” but not stay so that they wouldn’t think I was rude, going early. On occasions where I HAVE to do something where I go beyond my capabilities, I’m completely exhausted afterward.

I was late diagnosed and that diagnosis has made my life and those around me, far easier.

Love this! Thanks for sharing

I understand this. I am not liked by my family. When I was a kid, I could make friends with anyone, I didn't question whether they liked me or not, as far as I was concerned the whole world liked me and that was that. Then I hit my teen years and one day my group of friends all gave me letters. Letters about why they didn't want to be friends with me, complete with bullet points. I was bossy, hyperactive, loud, selfish etc.

It's exhausting going through life being sure that everyone around you doesn't like you. My social circle is very small, just my mum, husband, kids and one friend.