Female friendships when you’re autistic

[Deargreenpeace]

I was diagnosed as autistic as an adult. All of my life, I’ve never been able to integrate into casual friendship groups with any ease. I need to be very good friends or not see them at all. Does this make sense? I don’t know why but at this late stage, it’s really started to bother me - why can’t I just have fun casual friendships, where I enjoy small talk, and can have a laugh? I see others do this, and I get envious and sad. I feel that I’m always the outsider, left behind / out of things. Even though I have three very good friends of my own, who I love spending time with - individually - this still gets to me. When it’s party season, it seems I feel more autistic than ever. I’d love other people’s experiences to feel less alone

I've stopped work due to ill health, so not an option at the moment. I will look at opportunities if my health changes for the better, or a volunteering role. I'm not moaning, although my post did read like I was. I understand it will take time. Thanks for the support and concern though.

Make a point to text, call, or Facetime your friends at least once a week, even if it’s just to say hi or check in.

I have ADHD rather than autism and I just cannot manage that. I’d never remember to do it. And then I’d panic that I hadn’t and be too overwhelmed and fearful to get back in contact. That level of maintenance and expectation is just beyond me.

i am busy. I have a FT job. I have a family. My kids have activities they do. I have a house to try to keep in order. I just about manage to make sure I do all the stuff that gets us through life in one piece.

When female friendships are contingent on really regular maintenance, it’s just futile to bother really.

And I don’t do the relating in the right ways either I think. I can’t remember that their mother had a hospital appointment or that they got a new kitten and I need to ensure my reminders system is relevant to my basic existence so that it doesn’t get overwhelming. I don’t want to share difficult or emotional stuff with people because I find that stuff overwhelming and don’t want to sit in a cafe in floods of tears because emotional regulation is not my strong suit.

i can do chats around regular activities I was going to do. And I AM interested in people and their lives. But as soon as it falls off the immediate schedule of my life… I’m just useless. I struggle to remember that I should call my mother. I’m not going to remember that I need to call a woman I’ve had lunch with after baby swimming a few times and I’m hoping will become a friend so that I can build that friendship.

i just don’t have the capacity for that.

Friendships between people with ADHD and people with autism can be quite successful in my experience. We have enough neurodivergence in common to vibe but the autistic half remembers to organise the meet ups.

I agree with this. I once had a good friend with ADHD. She would talk and talk and talk and I was happy to listen to her.