Female friendships when you’re autistic

[Deargreenpeace]

I was diagnosed as autistic as an adult. All of my life, I’ve never been able to integrate into casual friendship groups with any ease. I need to be very good friends or not see them at all. Does this make sense? I don’t know why but at this late stage, it’s really started to bother me - why can’t I just have fun casual friendships, where I enjoy small talk, and can have a laugh? I see others do this, and I get envious and sad. I feel that I’m always the outsider, left behind / out of things. Even though I have three very good friends of my own, who I love spending time with - individually - this still gets to me. When it’s party season, it seems I feel more autistic than ever. I’d love other people’s experiences to feel less alone

I do the same! Also the other way round I forget key facts about people. So if someone has been away and I knew they had it's likely I would forget to ask. I don't see new cars or clothes until it's pointed out. I sometimes struggle with faces of people I know less well! I once saw my next door neighbour in a random pub and didn't recognise him. We had benn MB neighbour's ten year!

I used to write notes on my phone to remind me to ask people about things that they had told me e.g. Ask if Laura's mum is any better etc but I just find it exhausting now.

Gosh fairy socks ,Thankyou ,that’s very interesting,I’d no idea .any my memories are gone ..I deliberately spent hours as a teenager mentally rubbing them out with a imaginary rubber …which sounds strange ,but definitely works

As I’m very new to this ND forum , I’ve read a number of older threads. This one rings bells for me, very strongly. It makes me realise the experience I have had over the years, is very normal. I have berated myself and tried to make more of an effort and then been sad and quite baffled when I haven’t been able to continue or be successful.

I would love to know someone like me. This mumsnet forum has been the closest thing to “fitting” in.

I'm also new to being diagnosed and also to this forum. Totally second what you said @AllJustATrialOfErrors . I spent so long beating myself up only to feel worse afterwards

I've found Maisy Hill's podcast enlightening about airy m in women. Her experience resonates with me.

I came across this article about making (and maintaining) friendships with women.

socialself.com/blog/make-female-friends/

I'm not saying the article should be taken as gospel, but reading it made me realise that I will probably never have proper friendships with neurotypical women lol.

I struggle to stay on top of my own life and I have a terrible memory, so the advice that I have to remember all these details about other people's lives like the names and ages of their kids, where they went on holiday etc and ask them about it, is going to be a challenge. 😂

Make a point to text, call, or Facetime your friends at least once a week, even if it’s just to say hi or check in.

I can't imagine anything more anxiety inducing than having the pressure of socialising and keeping in touch with people even once a week. 😅 I find life in general can be exhausting.

studies show that men tend to bond over activities while women bond more over conversations

This is the crux of the issue for me and one I've come to realise on my own over the years. This is why I really struggle to make friends with women. I've noticed women talk A LOT and that seems to be the way they bond. Any other activity is secondary to all the talking that gets done. While with men, the primary focus is on doing activities together with any talking being a secondary outcome.

I don't mind talking, but I much prefer doing activities together. Talking is draining for me, but my dream of having a best friend is someone I can do things with, like hobbies or activities. Every time I've found myself in the company of women there's so much talking going on - about their family and other people they know etc. I find myself zoning out in such situations or coming away from it feeling more tired and irritable.

I guess I might have better chances of fulfilling friendships with other autistic women, but that's another challenge in itself in trying to find others with similar interests to me. 🙁

I can so relate to this. I have so few friends (two) but I rarely see them. When I do, it’s for a coffee.
I do worry that I’ll. ever make any new friends ever again as I work from home (currently) and there’s no opportunity for me. I’ve always felt like ‘Billy no mates’.

You have literally just described me money4icecream and it's something that I've noticed since being diagnosed / finding out I'm autistic. That I can't do that story telling thing people do and it makes me sad because I want to do that about family people and events as it feels like it makes things special?

Yes I've done this too!! But at 40 years old now, I just don't have the physical or mental energy to mask or act or pretend like I used to. My mental health is taking a battering as I realise how much I struggle with normal everyday life. I'm working full time, my son is 6 and I feel like I'm failing as I can't do it all.

Sorry it didn't quote in my first reply and I went a bit off topic in my second

@NonnyMouse1337 I feel the same. My ideal friendship would be with someone where we do an activity together like go to a board game cafe or zumba where we have a little chat but not pressured to continue conversation with the to-and-fro of getting a coffee for example.

@thistlescot I'm the same age as you with a 4 year old and also work full time. It is a lot. My ASD has definitely affected me more since having a child I just don't have the brain power anymore to add anything extra into my life yet I so desperately miss friendships.

Has anyone made friends with anyone else with ASD? I'd love to find someone like me I think it would just take the pressure off that comes with a friendship with neurotypical friend. I wish there was a friendship tinder for neurodiverse people.

It astonishes me that there’s so many of us about and we’re all so alone (friendship wise) and isolated.

I’m in Cheshire

@AllJustATrialOfErrors I know it's nice that we have this forum to connect but it would be nice to have real life friends. I'm in South Yorkshire.

My best friends at school bar one were all on the spectrum (we thought the NT one was a bit weird but loved her anyway). I always found people easier one on one than in groups. I used to think I was a metamorph (Star Trek Next Gen anyone?) and groups exhausted me because I was bouncing from one personality to another.

I prefer not to bother with men because I can’t always tell how or when friendship tips into something sexual. I’ve been propositioned by school dads a couple of times. I just don’t have the energy for navigating that.

If you are in Scotland, you can get in touch with the Scottish Women's Autism Network.

swanscotland.org/

They have some zoom calls for women to chat over activities and hobbies. Some in-person meetups are also starting up again I think.

@NonnyMouse1337 that sounds good wonder if there is anything like that in England. I found a Facebook group once but there were too many people in it that it was hard to connect with anyone, plus a lot of men trying to flirt.

It’s a bit of a minefield, isn’t it? Years ago, pre marriage, I joined an adult social group. Just spent so much of the meet up feeling like a spare part. They weren’t ND, it was before all that, but I think I only went 2/3 times.

I’m better one to one. I fade very quickly in a group

Yes I'm the same in a group and find it much easier one to one, always have done. I would love to meet other neurodivergent mums in real life and have been thinking of trying to start something to connect with other ND women but between working and family life I just don't have the time or energy.

Does anyone else struggle with the friendships they had pre diagnosis and feeling like you're not the same person anymore?

Yes!! Since having my son it's definitely like it's taken up a lot of brain space that I think I used to use for masking and trying to "fit in" that now I just don't have the same ability and I'm trying to unmask more but struggle with knowing what's me and what's the mask.

@thistlescot is your son autistic? I took my little girl to soft play today and she found a little hiding spot where she would wait until the ball pool was empty and then run to the slide to go in it. I was trying to encourage her to play with another girl and she kept saying, 'But I don't like people mummy' Aww me neither 😂

@AllJustATrialOfErrors I'm also better one to one. I have tried 'meet up' but I get nervous to join anything as they are.all big groups. Plus tye noise of everyone talking at once so I wouldn't be able to hear anything or focus on a conversation. I'm sure I never had this issue at school and it just gets worse every year 🙃

I've recently stopped work and moved to a new area so I have no friends at all. I used to have two friends at work, and we text or speak on the phone but it's always me that makes contact, so I think they were only work mates. I go to evening classes and speak to my new neighbors when I see them but I don't know how to go from acquaintances to friends. Work gave me a structure and contacts to build a bit of a tiny bit of social life, but I'm lost without it.

@Tilly10too could you get another job in your new area to meet some new people? It's so hard to move to a new area isn't it, hope you find some new friends soon.