Neurodiversity support thread for women with suspected, diagnosed or self-diagnosed autism, ADHD and other NDs #18

[PolterThreadStarter]

As usual, latest support thread.

Welcome

Thoughts? It's been picked up by my manager who I work closely with that our communication styles clash. This leads to misunderstandings and basically fallings out. I will feel we are on the same page but she has to shout louder (figuratively speaking), have the last word, and I end up feeling she's telling me I'm wrong and feel completely invalidated.
Anyway we've been 'working on it' which means I've been adapting my communication and trying to leave it when it's getting heated. So now I realise that it's all about me changing myself to suit her. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. To me, her communication is massively problematic - she talks abstractly, never says what she means, changes her mind and pretends she never said things so I feel I'm going mad, changes the rules at will... but it's me that has to change.
I don't think this is about being my superior, I think it's also about her being neurotypical. But I think my style of communication and thinking is also worthy and has value. So now I see I am just adding more invalidation and feeling 'wrong'. I can't challenge it, but in an ideal world, do you think neurotypical people should also think about adapting to us and maybe seeing the value in the way we think and communicate?
Or is that wishful thinking?

I think it’s probably wishful thinking nothingelse

Although some IT companies are actively recruiting ASD graduates because of those traits.

I take the view that I enjoy my job within our NT team. Since I want to carry on in that team, I have to find an approach that allows us to work together comfortably.
My boss seems to accept I’m not being difficult on purpose, so he is more accommodating than your boss, And I’ll try to adapt to meet him halfway.

Halfway is fine I guess. And I do understand and try to understand from their point of view. But honestly it's tiring and fucking soul destroying to feel constantly that your natural state of being is wrong. I'm exhausted and it's been a difficult few days so maybe it's not the right time to talk about.
But I don't want to apologise for being myself. And being called rude, that's another thing altogether. I find her rude, but obviously won't go there.
I know it sounds bad, but honestly Im the last person to confront anyone or do anything less than be considerate, my directness (apparently) comes across rude, I can't see it and if I could see anything other than me making my point and standing up for what I believe in at work, I would stop it.

Hi everyone, I have name changed for this but am a long time lurker on this thread. I am feeling particularly broken today and can feel myself sliding into the hole of depression and exhaustion at my messed up life together with all the horror of the thought of my future... and how less than rosy it seems.

I am a mother of 2. My eldest has just been diagnosed with ADHD and a few other things... and I know we will be revisiting a possible ASD diagnosis in a few years. I know it's a familiar story but of course my growing awareness that I am almost certainly on the spectrum has come out of the diagnosis of my son. My husband isn't... but his older siblings (diagnosed) and father are... and this is almost certainly why we have ended up together and he can cope with the difficulties I have and still am facing... I don't think anyone else would have stuck around!

Despite being hugely intellectually able and high achieving my working life has been a series of fits and starts, occasionally multi award winning in one field or another, but I can never sustain it... and certainly since having children I cannot perform the masking that I have done for years as I don't have the downtime to rest and recuperate after almost any social situation or a work situation which requires politically nuanced skills.

I have had a series of what has been called 'breakdowns' and diagnosed with anxiety and depression... with numerous therapeutic and anti-D experiences... but knew there was a piece missing from the puzzle as I have felt like an alien my whole life... and it is only becoming harder.

I am finding parenting is just breaking me, particularly of a child who is so similar in some ways... but also grieving my whole life it seems and the multiple failed friendships, careers walked away from etc.

That's it really...I want to post more but still articulating what I am feeling... and whether I really want to get a diagnosis... when I am certain (and my husband is too...) that this is what wrong... in my son's case I knew it was a route to getting him some help in various ways... and that has proved true.... but I don't know if that is true for us...

Anyway... hello new friends and thanks for all your thoughts above!

Hi lulu welcome. I found getting a diagnosis really helpful and I would have described myself in really similar ways. I find parenting has its ups and downs. I don’t think it will always feel quite this hard. Some days do though.
I am also pretty high achieving and unable to hold down work for very long. It feels really hard. I think a diagnosis will help you process this stuff really well. I found I’ve let myself off the pressure I was putting myself under to achieve what I felt I should be. Rather I tell myself, and you may or may not like this, that I have a disability and I can’t do it all. I wonder if that would help you?
Pm me if I can be helpful. I wish this thread was more active!

Hi All, after a 7 month wait I had a screening appointment this week. The outcome is that I've been put forward for a full assessment. I'm feeling very conflicted about the whole process, sometimes I just feel like a fraud since I've gone four+ decades this way. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Hi everyone, can I join? Received my autism diagnosis (as well as one for inattentive ADHD - fun times 😬) in February. Realised I was probably autistic in 2013 but have spent the past 6 years doubting whether I was 'autistic enough'. Finally sought a diagnosis last year after reading a lot of posts on MN about autism in women.
It's a massive relief to finally know why I struggle so much with things that everyone else seems to find easy!

oh crap. sorry that you have not had a reply @penguinflippers

congratulations on getting the diagnosis. try to be kind to yourself.

I am still waiting and wondering whether I am autistic enough as well.

yes to everything being difficult and wondering why I can not do what seems so easy to others.

had a bit of a realisation this week that I am never going to be able to keep up with other peoples output, which was very upsetting. (I have hypermobility syndrome disorder and it makes me very tired and annoyingly disrupts sleep.

How are you dealing with the diagnosis now and have you told anyone?

Hi, I've just been lurking on this thread. I'm waiting for assessment at the moment, I've been told I'll hear back in a few weeks.

It seems a common occurrence of worrying if we have enough traits, I think that's just a part of being older and overthinking things, it's what I keep telling myself at least.

Thanks @BlackeyedGruesome - be kind to yourself as well, I agree the realisation that you just can't keep up with everyone else is really dispiriting. It's definitely something that I've tried to forgive myself for since getting the diagnosis - it's hard to change your thought patterns though when you've been pushing yourself your whole life to be 'normal' and do the same things as everyone else.
What I've found to be quite helpful is to give yourself lots of praise whenever you accomplish anything really basic that you struggle with, that other people take for granted - in my case this is stuff like being organised enough to get to work on time, or having a conversation with a neighbour.
I've only told a handful of people about the diagnosis - I had to tell a lot more people than I would have liked at work, just to explain why I'm so crap at my job! (I work full time in a customer facing role 😫) They've all been supportive though which is a relief - but I don't think they actually have an understanding of how autism affects people - for example one of them has just run through a new procedure far too fast for me to take in 
@aphrodites Have you heard back about your assessment? Hope you've had some good news

Hello aphrodite and thanks for a brilliant post penguin flippers... I could't have written better regards accepting that you just can't keep up anymore... certainly my coping strategies (pushing myself, even bullying myself into getting through everything) have failed me and affected both my physical and mental health... I am spending a lot of energy now praising myself for doing anything at all... and it is working!

The really good news is is that I am starting to model that to my neurodiverse children too!

@penguinflippers Thank you :) I received a letter on Monday to say I'm on the waiting list (took 4 weeks just to be put on??) and to send back a small set of questions, I sent it off same day. Apparently it's a short assessment initially to see if I would eligible for a full assessment, it feels like a test/exam and is making me extremely anxious, just as well that I've just started Setraline!

I'm sorry people at work aren't really getting it, sadly like with a lot of things awareness is poor and a lot of what's thought of as common knowledge is actually just stereotypes, how often have you heard about the cliched maths genius? I'm awful at it!

@lululatetotheparty
I think what you're doing is brilliant, modelling behaviour that promotes good mental health is so important, especially in a society that is placing more and more stress on young people. I set reminders ,plan my day and add lots of extra time for things I need to get done. Everyone has their limits, it's so easy to burn out and stress over what you want to get done but it's important to recognise your limits, you do the best that you can do and that's just fine even if it's slower than others.

So I now have an ADHD predominantly inattentive diagnosis as well as the ASD. It’s been recommended that I start on Concerta XL. I’m also starting a three week internship soon, which is run in conjunction with an autism charity, so I have a support plan in place that lists stuff like I can find it hard to ask for help, and that I had extra time in exams at school, that sort of thing. Quite excited about it, I’m meeting the line manager next week so I can ask them questions.

You sound like a fantastic mum @lululatetotheparty - your children are so lucky to not only have a mum who understands what they're experiencing but also shows them healthy ways to cope

@aphrodites I know just what you mean about how stressful the initial assessment is - I don't think it gives you the opportunity to try and properly get across all the traits/difficulties you have. When I did mine I was terrified I'd be dismissed as 'just a bit anxious' like so many times in the past. Hope they confirm your full assessment soon - the waiting and worrying is awful.

Good luck with your internship @toffee1000, it sounds great! You have exactly the same dual diagnosis as me - would you mind letting us know how you get on with the Concerta? I'm on a (really long) waiting list for an ADD medication assessment and it sounds like that's what they'll recommend.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend

(just realised the grammar in that first paragraph is awful but it hopefully makes sense!)

That's lovely of you to say that I am a fantastic mum... but I really am not! I am very much trying to model it for both myself and the children... have more bad days than good!

But at least you're trying Lulu, even though it must be really hard

I have my Concerta XL now, will start tomorrow, so I’m not experiencing it for the first time on the first day of the internship. Just 18mg at first.
The meeting with my line managers went well, they seem pretty friendly which is good. There’s another intern in my department which is useful, although they’ve got a different line manager and will be working on something different to me.

toffee Good luck with the concerta, do you know roughly how long it will take to work? I'm glad to hear your meeting went well .

I called up the refferal people and they said it's 3-4 month wait now for my initial assessment, seems ages away.

The first day was yesterday (Thursday). It went pretty well. I’ll guess I’ll know more when I start my internship next week and will be doing stuff all day and having to concentrate
I’m also only on the lowest dose. It may well be increased in future. It’s early days still.

Glad to hear things have been going well with the Concerta @toffee1000, good luck for this week!

@aphrodites that is a ridiculously long time to have to wait just for the initial assessment I had to wait a few months for my full assessment and I used that time to 'build my case' for why I thought I was autistic - I really recommend writing all your reasons down (my 'case' was 10 pages long by the end!) if you struggle to get your points across verbally.

Debating whether to go for a diagnosis or not. Whether to go down the NHS route or bite the bullet and go private. In part want to do this to help my ds who is so similar to me and it’s causing him a lot of strife. At present he won’t entertain the idea of problems

Hello everyone, I post occasionally on this thread and on the main board. Just come on quickly to say I have now been diagnosed with Asperger's after 2.5 years on the waiting list.

I don't know if anyone still posting here remembers me but this all started when someone posted the AQ test on a thread in chat and I did it just for fun and it led me to this point. Thank you to anyone who may be reading this who supported me on the way.

At first I felt anger and denial but now I've got used to my diagnosis I just feel so relieved. So much of my life makes sense now.

Good luck to those of you who are currently waiting or going through the assessment process. I know how stressful it is. I'm always happy to answer PMs about getting assessed or to offer support to other MNers who think they may have ASD.

@toffee1000 that's great to hear, I hope it continues to go well for you.

I got my appointment in the post, mid September which seems ages for an initial app, it's at petherton resource center in Bristol, I looked it up on Google maps and it has just one review which is horrible! I'm trying to ignore it.

@Mary19 definitely go for it, the truth will set you free as they say, maybe it'll be the push your son needs to get things in motion too.

@Trinpy congratulations, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to say that? On finally getting a diagnosis, such a long wait too! How do you feel now? Do you plan on doing anything with your diagnosis going forwards?

@penguinflippers that's a good idea I really should write it down, I tend to freeze when I feel put on the spot.

@Mary19 I would definitely recommend trying to get a diagnosis - the sense of relief when you get that confirmation of why your life has been so hard is just immense. Is it that your son is worried about having a 'label' or is it that he doesn't think there's anything wrong? It sounds very tough for you both

@Trinpy Congratulations on your diagnosis! 2.5 years is such a horrendously long time to be in limbo. Glad to hear your initial anger has turned into relief and that you've been able to make sense of your life - I think it frees up so much mental energy when you finally have an explanation for why you are the way you are and you're not constantly beating yourself up over things from your past.

@aphrodites Just googled that place - I'd ignore that review, it seems to be from someone who was there for MH services rather than anything ASD related, hopefully you'll see different professionals?
I freeze on the spot too so I know how frustrating it is - I genuinely don't know if I'd have got my diagnosis if I hadn't given the psychologist the 10-page document beforehand, because I just can't make coherent points verbally - my thoughts get so muddled and I get frustrated and give up.
Definitely write everything down and try and send it to them before your initial assessment if you can, or at least have your notes to refer back to in the assessment. For a diagnosis you need to show how the problems are affecting your functioning at home/work/in social groups etc - so I did my notes in the format of 'Description of problem - concrete example of when I've experienced the problem - how the problem is affecting my functioning in X situation' (does that make sense?!). I wouldn't include any of the sort of stuff you see in those online 'traits of autistic women' checklists, like 'prefers animals to humans, is a tomboy' etc - just focus on stuff that causes you problems. A word of warning though, I found putting the notes together really upsetting (as you're basically writing down everything that's ever gone wrong in your life!!) so put it to one side for a bit if you feel it's getting too much.

@lululatetotheparty and @BlackeyedGruesome - I read this blog post the other day and thought it was such a good description of the exhaustion of constant masking and just trying to get through each day - autistrhi.com/2019/07/17/exhaustion/ - it made me feel a bit less 'alone' to know there was someone out there who's struggling with the exact same things, and I remembered you both posting about similar things on here, so I hope it helps you a bit too.