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Original poster

Divorce or not

29 replies

anon2576 · 20/01/2025 17:07

Hi internet
I feel trapped in my marriage. I have to ask him if I can go out with my sisters or going to my mums. Most of the time I end up staying home.
Due to being in an Asian family divorce is still much of a taboo subject, I also have 2 little girls which apparently makes it harder. so family keep telling me to stay for them. We have constant ups and downs which have been going on for a few years now.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Maxstress3 · 20/01/2025 22:09

Salam sis sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to your husband and told him how you feel or does he understand how difficult all this is for you with 2 little ones? Why does your family still insist on you two staying together? Islam does not state you need to stay in a controlled environment. There are many elements you need to look at and I'm unsure what your story is. I'm unsure whether it's just control or beyond that to abuse but you need to reach out to womens helplines who can support and advise you. You don't want your girls growing up in this environment and learning to live like this. Please search for local womens groups who can help you. There will be many in your area.

Original poster
anon2576 · 21/01/2025 08:28

Maxstress3 · 20/01/2025 22:09

Salam sis sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to your husband and told him how you feel or does he understand how difficult all this is for you with 2 little ones? Why does your family still insist on you two staying together? Islam does not state you need to stay in a controlled environment. There are many elements you need to look at and I'm unsure what your story is. I'm unsure whether it's just control or beyond that to abuse but you need to reach out to womens helplines who can support and advise you. You don't want your girls growing up in this environment and learning to live like this. Please search for local womens groups who can help you. There will be many in your area.

W salaam. It's ongoing control as well as verbal abuse. Family keep saying it won't be good for the girls to grow up without their dad and I should try and have sabr. I have tried for many years but we still get into these situations. He understands how I feel because I do end up in tears. Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
Maxstress3 · 21/01/2025 16:13

Unfortunately our society tells us to br patient but in the end it affects our health and our children's. What message is going out ti the girls and what point will they grow to be independent and strong young women. Please have some self worth and take the courage to take that first step for your sanity.

Original poster
anon2576 · 21/01/2025 17:14

Maxstress3 · 21/01/2025 16:13

Unfortunately our society tells us to br patient but in the end it affects our health and our children's. What message is going out ti the girls and what point will they grow to be independent and strong young women. Please have some self worth and take the courage to take that first step for your sanity.

If I go through a khula I know he would have a lot to say. Feel so stuck. Please do dua

OP posts:
Maxstress3 · 21/01/2025 18:55

duas sister
I pray it goes well for you inshallah

Original poster
anon2576 · 21/01/2025 20:27

Maxstress3 · 21/01/2025 18:55

duas sister
I pray it goes well for you inshallah

Jazakillah I don't think I feel brave enough to start a khula

OP posts:
Hyperquiet · 27/01/2025 23:03

Is he not letting you go to your mum's and stuff?

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/01/2025 09:07

Hyperquiet · 27/01/2025 23:03

Is he not letting you go to your mum's and stuff?

Sometimes he does other times he doesn't.

OP posts:
Parkingt111 · 28/01/2025 13:22

Why is he stopping you from going to your mums? That doesn't sound very healthy in a relationship. Do you live with your in laws too?

I pray things get better for you.

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/01/2025 13:42

Parkingt111 · 28/01/2025 13:22

Why is he stopping you from going to your mums? That doesn't sound very healthy in a relationship. Do you live with your in laws too?

I pray things get better for you.

No I don't live with in laws

OP posts:
Parkingt111 · 28/01/2025 13:59

Have you considered counselling? Is that something he would be up for?

I know those who take the traditional stance of staying for the children might think they mean well, but is it really healthy for them to grow up seeing their mother in a unhappy relationship being verbally abused by their father?

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/01/2025 14:10

Parkingt111 · 28/01/2025 13:59

Have you considered counselling? Is that something he would be up for?

I know those who take the traditional stance of staying for the children might think they mean well, but is it really healthy for them to grow up seeing their mother in a unhappy relationship being verbally abused by their father?

I'm not sure that's something he would do. I know my eldest who is 6 years old would really struggle without him as he went away for 3 weeks and she found it really difficult. Other than that I don't know how long I can carry on like this.

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 17:24

OP is there any abuse? Or Dv? If there is then thinknof your girls ever coming to you saying their DH has done these same things to them. What would you say to your daughters? Have sabr? I don't think so... so give yourself the same respect and love that you would want for them. Because in any which way you look at it abuse is wrong. Full stop. No excuses no pleas for sabr no think of the kids.
Because those same girls will one day think accepting that behaviour was OK for you so why not them.
Do you work? Can you get your ducks in a row so to speak so you can exit safely and with finances in order when you have the strength? Plan logically if there's no imminent threat and then go, your family will always want you to stay but soon enough will cone around and support you if they're decent enough, and if not then fo you really want that around your kids. So from now think of you and your girls- noone else.

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/01/2025 18:04

Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 17:24

OP is there any abuse? Or Dv? If there is then thinknof your girls ever coming to you saying their DH has done these same things to them. What would you say to your daughters? Have sabr? I don't think so... so give yourself the same respect and love that you would want for them. Because in any which way you look at it abuse is wrong. Full stop. No excuses no pleas for sabr no think of the kids.
Because those same girls will one day think accepting that behaviour was OK for you so why not them.
Do you work? Can you get your ducks in a row so to speak so you can exit safely and with finances in order when you have the strength? Plan logically if there's no imminent threat and then go, your family will always want you to stay but soon enough will cone around and support you if they're decent enough, and if not then fo you really want that around your kids. So from now think of you and your girls- noone else.

Just getting up close and shouting. Lots of verbal threats of calling my family around and telling them how it is.
I do work but only part time. So childcare would be an issue for me if I was to go back full time because I wouldn't be able to afford before and after school clubs.
Jazakillah for your advice.

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 19:42

It's not 'just' it's abuse OP. We as a community perpetually minimise DV as only being worthy of 'some' action once a few bones ar ebroken and a black eye delivered. Its more than that the drip drip control of where u can go or can't, the up close shouting , it's all injects fear into you- and eventually your kids- it's abuse so learn to reshape how you view the situation your in and not to minimise the seriousness of it for yourself.

Part time is great- can you wfh and up your hours to allow you to do pick up drop off if childcare isn't feasible? Or friends who could help on certain days? If not look at the long term plan if your safe and not going to call WA. Start building yourself and your fiances. It'll be so much harder because he's on your back but be smart. Log paperwork log finances he's hiding ,take your time find everything and maneuvere accordingly. I hope its a uk recognised marriage? Get some legal advice if you can so you can consider your options. Good luck OP

Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 19:45

OP also to say, let him call your family. Often we sre sos cared what they may say we forget at the end of the day they're OUR family not his. I understand the cultural pressure- trust me I do but when push comes to shove family usually have a bit to say but will stand by you if your strong in your stance too. And if not we'll plan to live without them - their 'dishonour' is not worth your children's toxic upbringing break the cycle.

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/01/2025 20:41

Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 19:45

OP also to say, let him call your family. Often we sre sos cared what they may say we forget at the end of the day they're OUR family not his. I understand the cultural pressure- trust me I do but when push comes to shove family usually have a bit to say but will stand by you if your strong in your stance too. And if not we'll plan to live without them - their 'dishonour' is not worth your children's toxic upbringing break the cycle.

It's not uk registered unfortunately. I work during drop off and pick up times and don't really have any friends who could take the girls. My family have shown me they are on my side but still think they can talk sense in to him.

OP posts:
Hyperquiet · 28/01/2025 23:03

anon2576 · 28/01/2025 09:07

Sometimes he does other times he doesn't.

Show quote history

What's his reason??

Original poster
anon2576 · 29/01/2025 08:10

Why do you need to go when everyone's there (my sisters) just petty stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
anon2576 · 01/02/2025 08:12

It's not constant which makes it tricky but when he does say/do stuff it does effect me

OP posts:
Original poster
anon2576 · 03/02/2025 11:03

Nazzywish · 28/01/2025 19:45

OP also to say, let him call your family. Often we sre sos cared what they may say we forget at the end of the day they're OUR family not his. I understand the cultural pressure- trust me I do but when push comes to shove family usually have a bit to say but will stand by you if your strong in your stance too. And if not we'll plan to live without them - their 'dishonour' is not worth your children's toxic upbringing break the cycle.

They keep saying what will happen to your children. How will you earn enough etc. Now they are getting me to have ruqya. I still feel the same

OP posts:
MixedBananas · 28/02/2025 17:00

anon2576 · 28/01/2025 18:04

Just getting up close and shouting. Lots of verbal threats of calling my family around and telling them how it is.
I do work but only part time. So childcare would be an issue for me if I was to go back full time because I wouldn't be able to afford before and after school clubs.
Jazakillah for your advice.

Show quote history

Have your thought about couples therapy?
Shouting in your face bot cool or acceptable. What are the reasons for him flying off the handle. Shared dispute getting out of hand or just his character.
Have your sought islamic advice from a proper sheikh?
Inwas in a similar situation my parents said they woukd support my decision either way. But deep down they wantes me to leave and Alhamdulillah a did eventually. I was 26 and was experiencing physical abuse often. Only you know the full story and your limits.

Original poster
anon2576 · 28/02/2025 17:37

I know he wouldn't agree to counselling. We aren't even talking properly. There was a time where there was one incident of physical abuse but I have 2 girls and my family want me to stay for them.
I don't know what to do and am scared to start a khula if I don't have my family's support.

OP posts:
MixedBananas · 01/03/2025 07:24

anon2576 · 28/02/2025 17:37

I know he wouldn't agree to counselling. We aren't even talking properly. There was a time where there was one incident of physical abuse but I have 2 girls and my family want me to stay for them.
I don't know what to do and am scared to start a khula if I don't have my family's support.

Seek islamic advice. Local masjid or main sharia council.
Your family won't disown you sister especially as you have the girls. What about siblings?

Original poster
anon2576 · 01/03/2025 14:35

Siblings are saying the same thing. To stay for my daughters. One of them said think of leaving if you still feel the same when they're older.
Do dua Allah answers my duas and makes this process easier for me this Ramadan.

OP posts:
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