To not want to work, ever?

[kiweee]

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

I would have one or two stock phrases to repeat to nosy friends and relatives.

However it sounds like you are discounting the entire world of work based off a 2 year experience. There are many different jobs out there. There may well be things that you actively enjoy doing. I’m not saying necessarily yet but when the children are all in school and a little less dependant I would think about it. And it may be worth thinking about what you might enjoy and is there studying towards it you could get funded that you would enjoy.

Your kids may be young now but you may have another 50 years in this planet.

I fully sympathise OP. I am on a waiting list to be assessed for autism and I'm 47! I've struggled through life with no help and very little understanding. Before having children I worked full time in a busy office and would have to spend every evening and the entire weekend doing absolutely nothing in order to recover from the social interaction and sensory overload. My son has Asperger's and required a lot of care when he was young so I started childminding in my home. Would that be something you might be interested in? The flexibility allowed me to stay in pottering at home with the children on days where I was feeling particularly unsociable and on other days I took them out to play groups, etc. for an hour or two here and there. Now that I'm older I am a freelance translator, conducting my business entirely via email which suits me just fine. My husband and I split up recently and I have to say I'm glad I have some income. Not having any income at all leaves you very vulnerable to these kind of situations. I never thought this would happen to me, but sadly it has.

I don’t have autism so there is absolutely no way I can judge your decision in any way, shape or form. You must do what is right for you and your family. But I can offer some practical advice, I would suggest you get the following in place so you have a plan should for any reason you find yourself alone:

Get an income protection insurance policy in place to cover your husband’s wage. That way the money will come in every month and you can rely on a predictable amount every month, which might be easier for you to manage.

Get another insurance policy in place to pay off the mortgage or buy a house.

Look into making national insurance contributions to start getting your state pension in place.

The top two will be expensive but you must get a protection plan in place so then you won’t have to worry.

Employers seem to be unable or unwilling to support people with a range of physical or mental conditions.

Hospitals and pain management clinics love to advise patients on spoon theory and pacing - great if you have absolute control over your working day or preferably week. Then you could spread tasks out etc.

Not so great if you are a teacher, nurse maybe, checkout operator etc.

I would say this is a decision that is just between you and your husband. No one elses opinion counts.

The only point within your post OP which makes me feel uncomfortable and should make a lot of people feel uncomfortable is the word EVER. I completely get that it must piss you off being pressured by family ...you've school aged children, a very challenging condition a DH career to support for the foreseeable etc etc. Ignore them and do what's best for you!
However, already where I live there's a growing workforce in mature people drawing a pension and starting top up cash careers in dog walking, pet sitting, house sitting, gardening, teaching assistants, childminding etc etc and this is because the pension annuities plus state pension is pretty poor. Apparently you need a private pension pot of min £250k plus state PER retiree to feel just ok-off. My intention isn't to stress out, just to say I think there's few people out there currently of a parent generation who can afford to say, I will never work. I'm one of them! Sorry and sermon over to those who could be arsed to read. 😬

if your husband is happy to be the sole breadwinner than it completely up to you both.
People have an issue with adults saying 'I wont work' because it taps into the assumption that they will then be claiming benefits which are funded by those who do work and pay tax.
Personally, as a tax payer, I wish that more money was available to those who genuinely cannot work for health reasons, rather than as a lifestyle choice. And sadly such people do exist, I have met many in y career as a HCP.
I agree with the poster above who said that work does not have to be defined in a narrow way - go to an office etc, but can be anything you do that can earn - eg crafts, writing, selling on ebay. whatever. Ruling out for ever may be limiting your options to do something you might enjoy in the future.

You aren’t alone. I’m 52 and had a horrendous break down 9 years ago.... I don’t work now and I’m lucky that finances are ok.... my husband understands, he would rather have me not work and our home life ( and me ) be happy, rather than the alternative.... yes I do feel guilty... we are ‘conditioned’ to work for our daily bread aren’t we.... but I try very hard not to beat myself up about it... i did try going on a disability work placement... hoping they would be understanding and offer a supportive road back to employment... wrong... they just wanted cheap labour to sort out their filing system... I wish you all the very best, firmly close your ears to people who ‘don’t get it’ and enjoy doing what you ARE doing of importance, creating a loving, stable and happy home life.

I can't get too worked up about whether you work or not, but just a thought - I hated the jobs I did in my late teens and I was utterly rubbish at them. Over time, I found my niche. I think it's a shame if you rule out ever being able to find a niche that suits you. Not all jobs are the same.

OK, so you don't work now and when you did you became overwhelmed.

People change with time and experience. You may find one day that you have become far more adept at handling stress and that work of some sort would make you happier and your lives more pleasant.

One day.

It's possible.

Keep your mind open, and never say never.

I’m sure people don’t mean to upset you by mentioning you getting a job when the dc’s are older, most people just assume that you would want too. I gave up working when I had my dc’s (both ASD) but I now work part time self employed. It has given me more confidence and something other than my kids to concentrate on. I don’t like working as such, I don’t think anyone really does unless they have their dream job but I love the feeling of being able to give my dc’s a little bit extra (days out, nice clothes) and I feel I’m teaching my kids that to have nice things you need to work. I hope eventually both my dc’s will work despite them having ASD, my eldest wants to be a teacher, my youngest is more severely autistic but I would be so pleased if she can work even if it’s just a few hours a week.

If you can afford not to work and your dh can support you then that’s fine but for me I would go crazy not doing anything all day other than house work and running around after my dc’s.

I know how you feel OP.

I'm middle aged and after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression several time sover the years I am now mid assessment for Asperger's.

Working has always been very difficult because of people but I have kept myself in full time for 30 years.

I worked 3 jobs 2016-17 to build up savings (thought it was going to kill me!), resigned from my job, had six months decompressing, and now I'm self employed as a cleaner and also in my passion subject.

It's great because I have a very strong work ethic, very precise and organised, bosses have all loved me over the years but colleagues not.

Now I turn up when my clients are at work, pop in my earphones with an interesting podcast or my favourite music, get the job done and go home happy.

I can go days without seeing another person and it's great.

I know it's not possible for everyone to do that (no kids or partner to consider here) but there may be something similar you can do?

I earn more per hour cleaning and will be under the pay tax threshold for this first year so it's all worked out thankfully. And no need to deal with increasing irritation/anger/misunderstanding of me and my ways.

Hi there everyone, we're moving this over to Mumsnetters with SN

I'll never go back to work. It's not a choice. If you're not fit then it's no one else's business.

OP the problem with not working (apart from your financial vulnerability) is that you’re missing the chance to discover skills that you don’t yet know you have.

I completely understand why you are shying away from paid work, and the pressure of expectation and having to perform. Have you thought though of voluntary work? People tend to be a lot kinder and more forgiving when you are giving your services for free. And you would be surprised what you are capable of once you find your confidence.

If you can make your current situation work, all well and good, but you don’t sound as though it’s a life choice, more your default position based on your perception of your capabilities.

When I say I worked 3 jobs there was my main office job 25 hours per week (been part time for the last 5 years), and I took on a job in animal care I'm passionate about and a dog walking job for an hour every day. It all helped me save enough to make the break.

I kept the animal care and dog walking (no stresses there), gave up the office job and slowly built those hours back up with cleaning.

I have two chronic conditions. I manage to work part time in a self employed capacity. I feel like punching people who say I am lucky to not to have to work full time. We are skint most the time and scrimp and save. The person that has said it the most claims she has to work FT ask they couldn't afford not to. I have not pointed out that if they lived in a smaller house, drove cheaper cars, went on cheaper holidays etc etc they could be 'lucky too'.
I love having a few hours a week to do nothing (usually I watch Netflix or sleep) and it keeps me well.
It's whatever works for you and your family. My life would fall apart if so got ill and would be much worse for DH and Ffs.
Ignore everyone else and do what is right for you.

I totally understand too. I’m 45 and have struggled all of my life. I believe that I have undiagnosed asd. I have GAD. The physical symptoms I get from my anxiety are absolutely exhausting and being around people for too long makes me feel awful as I wear my ‘mask’ to make out I’m fine. I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years and the thought of working again makes me feel ill. I do bring in a little extra money with part time dog walking and a bit of cleaning, not my dream jobs but I can control the hours I do and the amount of interaction with people (I like being around people for short amounts of time but too long and I feel the strain).
Op, don’t put any pressure on yourself or allow others to do so. It’s your life and if you are happy not working and it works well for your family then stick at it. But if, in the future you wish to have a bit of extra money then I highly recommend something like dog walking or cleaning.
Btw, it’s great you have a supportive partner, I am lucky as I do too, that’s a blessing!

I have BD which affects me significantly, at present I'm off work sick but will soon have to go back when I'm more stable. I HAVE to fight it. I don't want to go back ever again and feel scared at the thought.
I wish I had the luxury of being fully supported financially and yes this is envy.
I've had to work and have done for the past 30 years, I have no option as we couldn't manage on his wage only.
Finding the right job position helps I suppose.
Your very lucky really..

ffs = DCs but to be honest that is a phrase that comes to mind a lot now we are hitting teen years!

The only person you need to endorse your wish is your husband.

I have asd too, diagnosed in my 40s. Husband is high earner and I make a little pocket money from my own business. I am good at what I do but struggle to do more than a few hours a week. My mental health has improved hugely since working from home. Normal employment made me incredibly ill and I struggled to hold down a job for too long. I'm sure others judge me but I mask extremely well and My husband is very happy with the arrangement. He sees what others don't - the struggles before and after the mask goes on, the meltdowns etc. I don't have children so you have an extra challenge that you have. I think you need to do what's right for you - other people don't always understand how difficult life with asd can be

People do ask this to SAHPs of young children. It's a normal question to ask. The answer is up to you and your partner. Not going back to work doesn't mean you are not contributing. You are contributing time to the running of the household and care of children. You are contributing financially by reducing costs. You have no need for after school club, holiday clubs or cleaner. You can cook cheaper meals rather than grabbing what is quick and shop around for the best deals. No need to feel guilty.

Autistic hedgehog: I of course know perfectly well that autistics vary! I’m autistic myself and dealt with many autistic patients. And you are misinterpreting my post if you think I said anything as crass as “I coped, so you must”.
I was making two points.

1. That OP would be left potentially penniless if her DH died, and she needs to make proper provision in the form of life assurance.
2. That her experience as a teenager may no longer be valid. Modern workplaces can be very clued up on autism now, with lots of support and adaptations. DD’s whole team were briefed, with her consent, on how to help her at work. She later joined the work support network and now helps to mentor new autistics joining the company. I’m autistic, I know we tend to see in rigid black and white: “Work was awful for me once. Therefore it will always be. I’ll never try again” I was just trying to gently suggest to OP that things change, workplaces evolve, she may gain more coping mechanisms with age, and get bored at home alone with the kids out at school. It’s best not to rule things out, but to reassess from time to time. I hope you understand that, as a doctor and a Christian, my remit is to try and help, not sneer or demean - although my autism may sometimes lead to me being overly direct or forthright!

Babdoc

1. Your first post stated you were autistic. But thank you for clarifying. I am also autistic.

1. your point on life assurance is valid - I had no issue with that

1. In your original post it did come across to me as - I'm autistic, my daughter's autistic - and therefore in inferred "I can, so you should". You state that is was not intended that way, which is good. But there is more to going back to work than a supportive workplace. I'm sure you know this.

1. I am glad you are a doctor who seeks to help people. I would hope that any doctor would seek to help people. Or any human for that matter. I seek to help people too - but in a way which minimises how much I have to touch or talk to them. But I do to try to help. I certainly don't sneer or demean.

1. I have no idea what relevance Christianity, or any other religion for that matter, has to this discussion. I think Christians have the same capacity as any other group of human beings to show exceptional kindness or exceptional inhumanity. Christians are not above anyone, nor is anyone above a Christian. I am an atheist - that is also irrelevant; this is a thread about autism