To not want to work, ever?

[kiweee]

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

AutisticHedgehog oh god yes I could have written that!

@YeTalkShiteHen

Do you have someone that can go with you / help?

Because you don't have to make the initial phone call for he forms, someone else can do it for you, so long as you are present.

I think you are in Scotland? If so, look on here: www.disabilityscot.org.uk/info-guides/pip/how-to-claim-pip/

On point 1, you will see they have a directory link, to help you find someone experienced with PIP claims locally to help you fill in the forms.

Alternatively, you can ask a friend / family member to complete them on your behalf, with you providing the info.

"It’s the forms and the going somewhere I don’t know and having to “people” with strangers that terrifies the shit out of me. "

This is why so many people who are entitled to PIP don't claim 😞

The system really isn't set up to help those with ASD. There are organisations that can help, but they are not widely known, nor is there much in the way of signposting to them. They also differ from area to area. It's ridiculous.

OP I get it, although it wasn't the routine of work that puts me off getting a job again in the future - it's the thought of going back into an environment of frequent exclusion, snidey remarks, etc. I get lonely on my own but find it difficult working with other people, especially women I'm sorry to say. Men seem to be rather more tolerant of quirkiness, although that might just be my somewhat limited experience.

I wouldn't like to say I'll never work again though, there may be some kind of job that would be doable. I don't mind the actual work; I did plenty over the years (physical and office work) before I had dc and actually only stopped working through redundancy. We are comfortably off and I don't need to work - but I am mindful that this might not be the status quo forever.

But some days are very hard and I can only manage one kind of social thing - if I have to do more then have to retreat at home. DS also has ASD so there have been lots of meetings in school, it has to be done but it's so stressful and I have to get home and bunker down to "recover". If any of your dc are also affected by autism then this is something else to prepare for.

YANBU at all. Anyone who says you are is clearly ignorant of the realities of being autistic.

I'm in a similar situation. I haven't worked for 15 years after a pattern of crashing out and breaking down for years. Post diagnosis I've adjusted my expectations and have found peace in pottering around my home and taking care of my family. My husband is happy with this as he's seen the darkness and doesn't want me to go back there.

BasicUsername thanks for all that information, I’ll have a look now!

Aye, DP could do it for me and also come with me, I hadn’t even thought of that.

I am in Scotland so the Scottish stuff is really helpful, thanks!

I haven’t read the whole thread but what does it matter to your family and friends if you don’t work? It’s not their business. As long as it’s not your husband making you feel guilty I don’t really see the issue. Just explain to family and friends again that you’re not well enough to work, end of discussion.

However, maybe you just haven’t found the right job for you. You could explore the possibility of working from home or starting your own home business where you are fully in control of the environment and if you find it too stressful you can wind it down a bit.

I understand you completely. I don't have any serious health issues but prefer not to work too, and I can afford it. (Used to take anti-depressants all the years I worked and only gave up when I stopped working)
It depends how tactful people are when they ask you. If they just ask a question, then simply answer the way you do. If they start implying you're lazy/ will jeopardise your relationship/husband will resent you, just cut them short and say it is none of their business and you aren't going to discuss it with them.

You have a right to feel the way you do, and if you can afford not to work, then you shouldn't.

Don't feel guilty about it. Most people, given the choice, would not do a job they don't want to.

That’s why now o feel like I’m some way making it up to mynchild self who I promised when I could be in charge of myself I would be and wouldn’t have to do it every day. It was traumatising

That was the right decision for you at the time because you were in trauma. Many people with ASD and other disabilities end up traumatised for one reason or another from school.

But it is possible I think with the right help to overcome that trauma, you don’t have to stay in trauma mode. And I think it’s possible find a for yourself a completely different kind of work and a different way of working that is nourishing, productive and doesn’t overtax or stress you.

OP - ignore what other people say, most of them are too ready to judge without thinking. Slightly different scenario, but I have cancer. Due to this I have virtually no immune system, so I no longer work, because going to work and stressing about what germs I might pick up was making my mental health worse than the original cancer diagnosis.

Thing is, I look fine, in fact I appear on the surface to be very healthy - as I am often told by my wider family and some "friends". I am often asked when I am going back to work and when I say I'm not, I am asked if my DH minds carrying all the financial load. (He doesn't, it was his idea that I give up work).

So do what suits you and your family!

I have asd. Was diagnosed as an adult. My masking skills were (or must have been) very good. I was a nurse for 26 yrs (student/staff nurse/junior sister/senior sister). I finished on district nursing. I don’t work now as am a carer for my very autistic son. If I had to go back now, I’d really really struggle. We’re ok financially (just, at the moment) but I can we’ll understand your difficulties.

However, with a diagnosis an employer is bound by law to take reasonable steps to accommodate what is, a disability. If you wanted to work, you could start part time, with help and who knows, you may find you enjoy it? The idea of my going back to the nhs now, full time, on a ward makes me shiver. If I had to, I could just about manage 2/3 days. If I had to.

Unless I could find a job I could 100% do at home I couldn’t do it as need to pace myself and do things a certain way that would be my only option if I absolutely had to work

If it came down to it, you've a great skill right there that could translate into income - you are highly experienced in minding children with additional needs. Someone who has a child with ASD or other additional needs may find it difficult to get the kind of daycare their child requires. And it's in your home.

Having said that, if you and your DH are happy with the arrangement, then that's all that matters -though I would say to look into sorting out future security for your family by way of life insurance and pension etc.

My SIL I suspect has HF ASD, she's never worked outside the home except for a few months when very young and now one of her DC have SN so that IS her full time job- and it's very tough going - I know I'd struggle to do it. So anyone who tells me that she's "not working" because shes a SAHM to school age kids would get a very curt correction from me.

Another SIL does some admin for her DH's business from the home and is a SAHM. Her day is WAY busier than mine with various clubs, differing pick-up times and locations, doctor/physio appointments, extra tuition classes and so on - it feels like she spends her life in her car sometimes.

So you DO work. In the home. Value that.

@kiweee what about a pension for when you are older, how will you and your partner afford to live, it's unlikely you'l both be able to live off of his pension. And you won't be entitled to any state pension as you haven't paid barely an national insurance contributions.

You are conpletely reliant on your husband, what happens if you break up?

For me, your situation is incredibly stressful as you have no back up plan and are completely financially reliant on someone else.

OP - I know how you feel, I have autism and I've never kept a job very long, I find the whole thing beyond stressful and usually ends in tears and either fired or quitting.
Recently dh and I downsized so that I can quit my job as it's just causing too much stress and I'm going to try and make a little money from a hobby I have, we've had family etc questioning this, but we just say it's whats going to work for us and don't go into details

It’s the forms and the going somewhere I don’t know and having to “people” with strangers that terrifies the shit out of me.
urgh so much this^ There mere thought of applying for pip or similar scares the hell out of me, the whole process is scary, the paperwork, the being quizzed by a stranger.

If you and H are happy with situation then it's fine. Zero to do with anybody else.

I'm in my 50s work part-time, I'm self-employed alongside but now only do that aspect if I feel like it. DP is fine with it. I stopped full-time work when I was 40 and have no intention of working full-time ever again

I wanted time to pursue other things and I'm not someone who craves loads of 'stuff'. DCs are grown now and they did ok not having the latest of everything.

We're not all cut out to want to climb the career ladder and don't have to take notice of people who want to define you by what and the amount of work you do outside the home

We aren’t that well off, we are just getting by and do have to budget a lot and sometimes go without thing

I do feel that a lot of pressure to put on your DH. I think I would be fearful what would happen if he left you, got ill or died. You are lucky that he is prepared to support you financially forever though.

Hey op haven't read the whole thread so probably been said but what about doing something that you would enjoy when the kids are a bit older that could earn you some money could you do a little online business from home or something ? Or something like crafts or other creative sort of things ??

I just think it's almost sad in a way to limit yourself to never working both practically for if your circumstances changed with dh and Also for yourself once the kids are more grown up and don't need you so much

It’s your choice and no one else’s, as we don’t understand your situation. Personally I could afford not to work but I am itching to get back to my two day a week job - I would hate to be at home every day especially once the kids are older - my boredom would be off the scale, but it’s a truly personal thing.

OP, you should do what is best for your health. You and your dh have decided it is better to have you home and healthy than to it is to earn higher income. Anybody making you feel badly for it, spend less time with them, and stick with people who understand.

Tell everyone to mind their own business, it's got nowt to do with them.

I wish I had the option of not working. I have severe depression and hypothyroidism and going to work every day is such a fucking struggle. I'm 33 now, the thought of having to do this for at least another 35 years makes me sob some days.

Please look into getting a life insurance policy ASAP. Some of them are very affordable, it may be worth looking into critical illness or income protection too. Maybe get your husband to do this if you prefer not to deal with finances. A lot of employers have a policy in place already so get him to check with work.

You need to secure your financial future if you don’t feel able to work long term- which is totally your decision! You don’t need to feel guilty- you’re doing a great job raising 3 kids already.

OP, you should do what is best for your health

Choosing to never work again is only ever an option if you have someone else prepared to financially support you forever though.

I think YABU to rule out working forever based on your experiences as a teenager. Given the choice I would rather not but I don't think it's fair to be financially dependent forever. If you and Dp separated yud be expected to actively seek work in order to claim benefits.

@serbska

"Well, it is between you and your DH but TBH I think it is pretty shitty to say you never ever ever have any intention to work. It places an unfair burden on your DH and god help you and your family if DH gets ill and can't work."

That's what insurance is for, hopefully they have really good illness and life insurance.