To not want to work, ever?

[kiweee]

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

My experience has been similar to yours, so I get where you are coming from. Late diagnosis meant I struggled on for years, in the belief it was anxiety/depression as the primary cause rather than ASD, trying to work until a major breakdown called a halt. It wasn't fair on me, employers, or my family.

In your situation, with presumably a decent amount of potential working life left, I'd be thinking along the lines of identifying job roles or self-employment that are ASD friendly and which I'd be capable of and enjoy. Then I'd put together a game plan to get there, for example, gentle study or skill acquisition. No rush. Even when children are at nursery/school there will be unexpected days off and timetable restrictions, so flexibility is your friend. Keep an eye on your mental load and pace appropriately.

Hi, I have ASD too and when we have a family I'll be doing the same. Just like you I have had various jobs in my life, and each time, crumbled under the pressure and ended up having to stop or be let go because I would become physically sick from the mental strain. I have been called "lazy" all my life even though i work damned hard. Nobody can see how hard I struggle with things. It doesn't show on the surface. I currently have a job that I spent the first 2 YEARS crying on my way to work and having panic attacks because it is so people-focused. 2 years I dragged myself through that ☹️ but thankfully my boss was understanding enough that when I explained my situation, she allowed me to drop back to 4 days max. I still get worn out doing it but I'm doing with the 4 days for now, and we're TTC so I'm gonna stick at it until pregnant. I have little energy left to do housework etc, we live in a frustratingly messy house, I have little mental capacity left to socialise so I have made literally 1 friend since moving here 5 years ago. Which is a miracle in itself.

When we have a family, the plan is that I'll become a housewife. I'm a homebody anyway. I'll make it my work to be thrifty running the house. I cook and clean and craft. Raising a child or two on top of that will max me out. And everyone will call me "lazy" again. But mothers get judged no matter what they do. So, I get it. I really do. I'm not sure what I'll do when the kid/s are grown and gone, I don't know how to find suitable work and I'm not disabled enough to get special help in that regard. I do worry about the financial pressure on my DH, and the fact that I'll have a tiny state pension at best so we'll be relying on his work entirely, but he is extremely supportive and says he'd even be happy to support me right now if I was struggling enough to quit. So, just live life in a way that works for you, and know there are lots of us in the same boat!

Other people see me and don’t realise how severe my problems are as they see me for a short time and don’t see the anxiety before or the exhaustion afterwards and aren’t aware of the internal voice I have questioning all I say and do when in public and questioning am I acting normal enough and it’s stressful and exhausting

Oh god yes! Masking is the single most exhausting thing I do. Paint my game face on, smile, mimic, nod along and pray I don’t say the wrong thing. Then come home, mentally exhausted and micro analyse every word I said in case I did fuck up.

People who don’t have to mask will never understand.

Some could try harder though, as is evident in daily life and on this thread.

I know it was said that I might get harsh responses but this is actually helpful and I’m going to look into insurance etc as advised

I can see why OP posted I have a close family friend (like family) who has ASD and feels under a lot of pressure to do things they can't cope with. Even on this thread you can see a lot of (sometimes well intentioned) ignorance. Oh if you can do X you must be able to do Y. Lots of questioning whether OP is really just lazy and that not working is actually a luxury for her. ASD is a spectrum - some people can function in an even very stressful work environment some won't be able to work at all. Statistically the latter are more common than the former so OP you're not unusual.

OP I would make a new thread elsewhere. You're going to have to wade through a lot of ignorant rubbish to find any helpful advice here.

I spent all of my school years masking and every time I hid or ran away I was dragged back and thrown back into it. That’s why now o feel like I’m some way making it up to mynchild self who I promised when I could be in charge of myself I would be and wouldn’t have to do it every day. It was traumatising

I certainly don't think life only has value if you're in paid employment or anything like that.
But when you have children, different and overriding considerations come into play. Does your DH have fantastic life/critical illness cover?

I can't see why people are judging you I personally always get Annoyed when someone choices not to work because I wonder what they do all day ?? Tbh I personally think a job would be better for your mental health as it will give you something to concentrate on and improve social skills, sitting around the house on your own can't be good for anyone's mental health in my opinion. I would want to get out the house At least one day a week and try and find something suitable

I have a second job that's very repetative, low stress and minimal contact with people if anything changes op you could start a thread asking about that and I'm sure you would get plenty of help and advice. Sometimes you need to focus on what you CAN do. For now it sounds like you've got life sussed so ignore everyone else, it's your business not theirs.

I do feel there’s more helpful comments here than unkind luckily

I wouldn't stress. Do what suits you best. I am bordeline Asperger's and was working 3 days but find that too much autumn/winter so going to do two days instead. I work for myself.

People don't get that throughout the SAD season I do really struggle and cannot use a light box as it gives me hypertension.

Have you been assessed for whatever DLA is called now? Not an easy option but there for people too ill to work.

Just to clarify, PIP is not specifically for people that can't work, it is for care and mobility needs. It can be claimed by those in or out of work.

ESA (or Universal Credit) is the benefit specifically for those unable to work due to disability, which would depend on either paying sufficient NI Contributions or having a low household income.

I'd agree about the PIP assessment process, it's utterly soul destroying. My CPN described it as short term pain for long term gain, but it's so intrusive it felt much worse than that. I wouldn't tell someone not to apply, you should get the support you're entitled to, but make sure you're supported through the process.

Its nobody else business but yours and your husbands.
I know a fair few women who have had very big employment breaks for usually caring duties or mental health problems.
I also know a woman who told her husband she was never prepared to work and that if he married her he had to support her. Fair enough he said, he was'nt bothered and she got bored and helped out and built his business really up.
She now employs over 20 staff and has won big really big contracts.

You never know what will happen and where life might take you. I think maybe a gigging job would suit you more.

Bombardier25966 I hope you had support.

You’re right, in everything you’ve written.

If the last time you had a job was when you were 19 I don't see how you can compare everything to that ? Try a different sort of job there's millions of different things you can try, how do you know they will all make you ill? You sound like your making excuses!

Yabu to be in this position and not sorted out what happens if dh leaves, dies or can't work himself.

If you can't face sorting that. Then he should have.

Also, I would do something to keep your c.v up, an online course or something maybe? It will give you something to talk about in interviews if you are ever forced to work. I would say that to any sahm.

@YeTalkShiteHen Thank you so much for the spoon theory info. My CPN gave me activity sheets to plan my days, but they made me try to fill every hour with activity and I quickly crashed!

You know. It’s funny you should post this.

I won’t read the replies to you OP because I think you’ll receive a bit of a kick in here, but I do believe that you are probably doing the right thing for yourself and your family.

I have some aspects of ASD within my personality, but I’ve never really put it down to that, I was so excited to start work, but One thing never worked out, then another, then another, and so on, each time I’ve decided I was use restart something else and I inevitably fail. It’s a very upsetting time, it creates a lot of upset in me. A few months later I decide I’ll give something else a crack, and I fail again.

It’s a cycle that isn’t helpful to myself or my family. Ive now resided myself to the fact that there’s nothing that’s really manageable. So what I do is faff about with the family business whenever I can. But housework has become my thing. I take car of DD who’s now in year 6 so that’s not a full time job! But I immerse myself in housework and preparing food for the family. To most it sounds very 1950s, but it works for us, I still feel like I need to provide financially but it’s not doable for me in any sort of stable way.

I really don’t think I’d qualify for PIP

Bombardier25966 it’s great eh? It was an absolute game changer for me!

OP - you don't need to explain yourself. If saying 'No' will get a lot of argument, then say 'maybe/maybe not' or 'we'll see'... smile and change the subject.

But it may be worth exploring something you can do even as a hobby. You could explore once the kids are at school. If you manage to find something you love doing and earns you a bit of cash - that's the holy grail we are all looking for!

@ricelo
@YeTalkShiteHen

That inner critical voice. The hours and hours of post-event analysis (after the hours and hours of pre-event analysis and planning - god bless google streetview)

I like this tweet.

Only you know your limits. Listen to yourself. Maybe join a course while the little ones are in school? This should stop people asking you about a job. You might find some courses less stressful, like massage, nails & hair etc.

I haven't read the whole thread. My DH was 42 when he was officially diagnosed with ASD. He has managed to hold down a job from leaving university. To be honest, he has to because we can't live on my salary alone. YANBU to not want to work - I don't! But I think you are very lucky not to have to.