To not want to work, ever?

[kiweee]

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

tomfoolery

Work doesn't have to be a demon

You've got kids? So you managed pregnancy/birth/newborn stage and did that multiple times

Nothing more stressful than that!

What an unbelievably ignorant statement.

You really think you can empathise* with an autistic person. YOU know what it’s like because you’ve raised children and “there’s nothing more stressful”?

You have absolutely no idea how hard the work/home implementation is for an autistic person. It is fucking exhausting. I have a job I love - so don’t want to give it up. But it’s so so so hard. I have non-ASD kids and a very supportive husband. And my employer is amazing. Yet it is still really hard and has had a huge adverse impact on my MH

Please educate yourself a little more before you make frankly ridiculous and also hurtful statements. People with your attitude are one of the (many) problems that make life for Autistic people that bit harder.

(*empathy - the thing that autistic people apparently don’t have and NT’s are blessed with in plentiful abundance. I hope you get the irony here)

Can you say something like ‘that’s not the plan at the moment’ or ‘my asd isn’t manageable enough to go into work right now’ etc?

Softer phrases that don’t rule yourself out of working for the whole of your life. I suspect people are arguing at the black and white statement of ‘no work for me ever’ kind of phrasing.

So, say it differently! They don’t need to know about your long term plans. So don’t share that. Just be vague and polite and close the subject down.

Now, about whether you’ll actually ever work, who knows?! Maybe you will find a way of earning money that works for you. It might be very non-traditional... and you might not chose to share that you do it with these pushy family and friends! So, don’t close off all possibilities, after all, ‘working’ just means someone giving you money for doing something... be that making something, selling something, writing something or whatever. It could be that you are already doing something in daily life that you could make money out of a few years down the line. Or not. But that’s ok. Don’t close it all off, just because one form of work wasn’t right for you.

I say this as someone who is too ill to work either at the moment, so I do understand! And I have someone who pokes and prods me and keeps saying ‘when you start working again’ etc etc etc. I find it terrifying, because work was horrible and I was driven out by people being very prejuducided and cruel about my disability. And their behaviour made me iller. So, I tense up at the idea of work. I just try and remember to nod and smile and that she doesn’t mean to go back to work in that environment. It will be years before my health is stable enough to work again. And I’ll change careers as well. But... I won’t close that door altogether because I hope in the future things are good enough that I can work.

And I think perhaps you can change the way you think about it too?

So, not ‘i’ll Never work’ but ‘if my asd allows me, and I find the right type of work, I might be able to one day (in the future)’.

What do you think?

Please educate yourself a little more before you make frankly ridiculous and also hurtful statements. People with your attitude are one of the (many) problems that make life for Autistic people that bit harder

Well said!

(empathy - the thing that autistic people apparently don’t have and NT’s are blessed with in plentiful abundance. I hope you get the irony here)*

Even better said!

I agree that, as long as it works for your DH, you should work or not work as is best for you.
But ... "work" comes in many shapes and sizes. You don't have to work in an office for 40 hours a week. A part time job working from home might suit you?

There’s lots of different kinds of work. There’s no reason why you couldn’t work from home - that often works best for people with all kinds of different disabilities. Working gives people confidence quite apart from an income and independence.

If you have trauma from school, which is totally understandable - then therapy and support could help work through those issues.

I think I spent years promising myself that when I didn’t have to go to school/college anymore then I wouldn’t as it made me so so ill. At that point I was thought to be severely depressed/anxious and various other things and was told I needed to force myself and I’d feel better but I didn’t
I did try to work for 2 years and it was dreadful. I was lucky to meet dh and to be able to then not work
Sometimes even going out can make me ill I find more than 1 ‘thing’ each day can bee too much as well as school pick up so I have to be careful
Thinking about if dh died, well I just try not to as I don’t think I’d cope so I don’t think about it as it’d contribute to anxiety. The best I can do I’ve found is plan ahead in one sense and have a very organised diary but once that’s done I then go Day by day and stick to what keeps me calm and able to deal with Day to Day

OP plenty of families have one parent who doesn't work for all sorts of reasons. I know it's easy to feel judged, but actually your reasons for not working are nobody's business but your own. You and your other half are doing what you think is best for you and your family. Be glad that you have a choice, and don't worry about what others think. Speaking as a mum and a wife who works full time, I can tell you I have also been judged harshly for working full time. Honestly sometimes as a parent you can't do right for doing wrong, everyone has an opinion and you can end up feeling terrible about your choices but what actually matters is your health and your family's welfare. If your health is better when you don't work, then the family will benefit from that.

Op you don't need to explain to anyone else. As long as you and your DH are happy with the arrangement it's nobody else's business. Stop feeling guilty.
A good point made above about making sure you are covered financially.

I agree with @Babdoc post. It's worth checking that you are claiming all that you're entitled to plus logging into govt gateway pension checker to find out what your state pension looks like. We have a relative with high functioning ASD whose life has taken a turn for the worse sadly. She finds herself now without her own home. Even if the family leave her everything in wills, it will not be enough to see out her days.

What does your husband think OP? Is he supportive? That's all that really matters.

It is your choice op. If you want to stay at home that is fine. No one should be judging you. If you and your dh are happy then relax and make the most of the extra time you will soon have.

Exercise and mental health care are very important, and if it improves your wellbeing then everyone around you will benefit.

YANBU to do what works best for your family and your own health, and if you can’t cope with work then you can’t.

However, do you have a back-up plan if your DH becomes ill or your relationship breaks down? Because it’s getting increasingly difficult to claim / manage on benefits (having been through the PIP process for ASD myself, it is the most stressful thing I’ve ever done and I’m lucky that I don’t need to rely on it for income, can’t imagine how stressful it would have been if I did). So if you can, it might be worth thinking about whether there is anything you can try to do - a job for a few hours a week, volunteering - just to make sure that if you’re ever in the position of having to work, that you have some up to date job skills that you could use.

Also, if you try out a few things then you will start to understand more what types of jobs might be possible and what ones really aren’t. And if you don’t need to work, you have the luxury of trying things out and quitting if you don’t like them. I know I couldn’t work on a call centre or do anything that requires me to be in an office full time. I know other people with ASD who like the routine of going into an office daily and doing the same set tasks every day.

I will look into that as I have severe issues with financial things (discalculia)
I have no pension. We have no insurance etc
I will look into it

@babdoc

But surely you know that every autistic person is impacted differently?

Just because you and your friend manage it, doesn’t mean every autistic person can.

I can only cope with my role because I LOVE it. It is my special interest. I can really focus on it. But there are aspects which make it hugely stressful. And I too have a room I can escape to if I’m having a meltdown. I have really good adjustments. I’m so lucky. But it’s really hard.

And yes if you are forced to work then you have to (losing your DH must have been absolutely awful). But you can’t turn round to another autistic person and say “I managed, so can you”.

As a doctor I’m surprised you said that.

@YeTalkShiteHen

You should definitely not be afraid of applying for PIP. Although I appreciate that it's easier said than done!

In my former career (SAHP at the moment), I worked with people who had ASD, physical disabilities, mental health issues, etc.

I sat in on many of the in person assessments, and they aren't hostile or mean, they are generally conducted by fairly pleasant people who are just doing their job. You can have someone go in to the assessment with you if you like, a friend or family member might help keep you calm, and can make notes for you.

The NAS has some good tips on filling in the form: www.autism.org.uk/PIP

There are two components to PIP, and in my experience, people who have ASD get awarded the daily living component, but the mobility component often needs to be fought for at appeal.

ASD is a spectrum. Someone may function well and be able to hold down employment, some may not. There's no shame in admitting that you're not able to sustain employment (or at least, there should be no shame).

I'd second the idea of volunteering, but even that can be overwhelming. I do various bits of paid and unpaid work, all very much on my terms because if it wasn't, I'd crash and couldn't do anything. It is about balance, but that's something many of us aren't very good at.

If the worst happened and you were no longer with your husband then you would be entitled to benefit help. It wouldn't be a glamorous life but you're not going to end up in the workhouse.

Look after yourself OP. You don't owe anyone any explanation as to how you choose to live your life.

If it causes no problems with your relationship and family life then keep it that way. It's no one's business but your own. I wouldn't want to work if I didn't need to tbh. Even with us both working we are scraping by. Just tell those who keep asking that you will probably get a job when your child's a teenager.

It affects everyone differently. I have ASD but I work full time, I earn more than DH and I'm doing my Masters part time. I like my job and am very ambitious.

My ASD means that I need coping strategies for information processing and instructions, etc, I have to work hard to be organised but I thrive on the routine.

If you don't feel you can work and your DH is happy to support you, that's between you and him.

Dh understands completely
But hen he lives with me and has seen me at my worst so knows what the triggers are and how we need to avoid them. Other people see me and don’t realise how severe my problems are as they see me for a short time and don’t see the anxiety before or the exhaustion afterwards and aren’t aware of the internal voice I have questioning all I say and do when in public and questioning am I acting normal enough and it’s stressful and exhausting

And may I also add that cleaning the house, cooking and caring for children is a full time job in its own right op.

Even once your children are at school, they have lots of school holidays and there will be homework, and after school activities to factor in, and once they have been dropped off it isn't a great deal of time before you are collecting them again.

You are doing more than enough, you don't need to justify your life to anyone.

You are tbh but your life

Try the broken record technique with people who ask you about it. "I have no plans to work at the moment." Change subject just keep repeating it.

I have chronic pain. Since the pain started (post children) I’ve tried to hold down 2 jobs and failed as I’m just not reliable, when the pain flares it can last weeks/months and I’m not fit for work.

So I’m a SAHM. I feel I’m a burden on DH as the pressure is on him - although he assures me I’m not. I do feel like I have to constantly explain myself to others though when I say I don’t work.

BasicUsername thank you, I appreciate your comment very much.

It’s the forms and the going somewhere I don’t know and having to “people” with strangers that terrifies the shit out of me.

I can do what I need to do for my kids on a daily basis, because it’s structured and familiar. Even new schools and stuff because it’s planned out and it’s for them so I have to do it because if I didn’t they would be unhappy.

But when it’s for myself I just fold.

@Rhiannon13

If you are on JSA, and set up your own business, you are eligible for the new business allowance (can't remember if that's the exact name) which is paid at just above JSA rates for your first year of trading.

In addition, you can get the JCP to put you in a scheme which will help you to get started. There are some ran by the Chamber of Commerce, where they help with your business plan, find you a business mentor, etc. The benefit of this route is that you then get free Chamber of Commerce membership for the year. This then allows you to apply for their grants, to help you purchase equipment etc.