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Original poster

To not want to work, ever?

153 replies

kiweee · 18/09/2018 08:55

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 09:10

OP I don’t think this thread was a good idea. The ignorance and judgement people see fit to engage in about autism, on here especially is hurtful and unhelpful.

Please don’t take it to heart, only you and your DH know what is best for your family.

YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 09:10

Have you applied for PIP? I’ve been told to but I’m putting it off out of fear. But if you’re entitled to it, go for it if you want to.

Original poster
kiweee · 18/09/2018 09:10

I will ask to move it then

OP posts:
Original poster
kiweee · 18/09/2018 09:12

I have reported it and asked to be moved to a better section

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/09/2018 09:13

Some people are just unable to work for health reasons, I 'manage' a team of volunteers, many with various health issues, one has a condition that clearly makes her unemployable, she is kept being sent for interviews by the Job Centre but I know she will never be offered a job. She struggles do to the tasks we set for her and has very challenging behaviour - not at all serious enough to need supported living or anything like that but she would find it virtually impossible to be part of a team etc.
It is a sad fact of life that many companies are unable to offer relevant support to people at work. when I first started work (over 40 years ago) there were all sorts of jobs that people could do that just aren't around anymore.

YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 09:14

kiweee hopefully it gets moved to the SN boards, you’ll get a better (and more informed by actual facts and experience) response there. Flowers

Original poster
kiweee · 18/09/2018 09:14

Unless I could find a job I could 100% do at home I couldn’t do it as need to pace myself anddo things a certain way that would be my only option if I absolutely had to work

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 18/09/2018 09:15

Hi, I’m just nipping in here before it’s moved to say ignore the Puritans who think a life only has value if you are in paid employment.
You are doing the right thing if you are feeling well and balanced. Even if you didn’t have autism, there is no moral duty to go out to work - if you and DH are happy with the way your team works, who cares what others think?

SoyDora · 18/09/2018 09:16

If you can’t work you can’t work. It’s not really anyone’s business apart from yours and your DH’s.

YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 09:16

kiweee have you come across the spoons theory? I found it really helpful when I had a big day of appointments or having to to things outwith my usual routine/comfort zone.

Original poster
kiweee · 18/09/2018 09:16

I do feel a LOT if not ALL of it comes from struggling undiagnosed throughout my school years and I had a total breakdown.
The feeling of work and having to get ready and be somewhere where each day is not the same is too much like it it makes me feel ill to think of it

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 18/09/2018 09:18

I too was undiagnosed until recently and struggled desperately with my MH as a result.

FWIW from a random on the internet, I understand what you’re saying and why.

Ariclock · 18/09/2018 09:18

I completely get where you are coming from op. Flowers I can work but it really effects my anxiety. Could you start by volunteering? Maybe that might help you to find a low stress job.

Rhiannon13 · 18/09/2018 09:19

I completely get where you're coming from OP. I'm also autistic, have tried working with other people but it just doesn't work out. There's absolutely no need to do that to yourself! Have you considered setting up your own business so you can work from home instead?

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/09/2018 09:19

It's between you and your husband. If anyone else asks, politely challenge why they think it's any of their business. If they persist, drop the "politely" bit.

Waddsup12 · 18/09/2018 09:20

Have you been assessed for whatever DLA is called now? Not an easy option but there for people too ill to work.

There's also other ways to tackle this. My mental health is worse if I have a full-time job. But it's really not good to be in the house all the time either. So I find the odd job every so often or volunteer & gig economy jobs.

There really is some support out there, it's just patchy & not obvious if you don't search for it. I was just looking at my Council & found a glossy brochure with courses & stuff.

I currently do 2 hours a week in a community cafe & that's lovely plus I'm finding out about local groups, who cone in there. Lots of supported people come in too & use the facilities. Some of the other volunteers are also ASD.

I've found so long as you say "I do...", people leave you alone. It doesn't have to be a full-time job.

Babdoc · 18/09/2018 09:20

I’m autistic and my DH died. I didn’t have a choice about going back to work - I had to earn a living to support my kids.
OP, I hope you have a hefty life insurance policy on your DH, if you’re planning to rely on his income alone for the rest of your life.
Being autistic in itself doesn’t stop people working - I was an autistic hospital doctor and my autistic DD is a financial risk analyst - do you have some additional problems that need help?
DD’s workplace did an autism assessment and put in any adaptations she needed, included a private room where she could go if she was having a meltdown. You may be pleasantly surprised at how supportive modern work environments can be for autistics, or indeed people with physical disabilities. Don’t write it off permanently - you may be bored with the kids at school and want to give it a go!

BooooHiss · 18/09/2018 09:21

Well most people with ASD can be supported to work if they want to. However, if you DH is happy to support you and has the money and you don't want to work, fair enough! Plenty of people are stay at home mums! Up to you! If I could afford to be a sahm I would be! Your choice (But maybe don't use the asd as an excuse)

ricelo · 18/09/2018 09:21

I was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I've always found it a struggle to work. Many people just don't understand how difficult it is, even those with higher functioning autism don't always get it, they don't realise how severely others can be affected. Personally I have no plans to work and my DH is happy to support me, and I do get a lot of judgement over it (or just assumptions that I'll be returning to work) and I've learned to just ignore them. If people ask you about looking for a job, you can always just say you're thinking about it, and then change the subject. Your life needs to be lived in a way that suits you and your needs, not anyone else's.

I get PIP and ESA and that helps me feel a bit more financially independent, although DH is a high earner and we don't really need the money. Definitely look into claiming it, I get the enhanced rate for care and mobility and I'm in the support group for ESA, and I wouldn't be able to get much more than that in wages. People will try to put you off, they told me it was going to be hard to get but I was able to get that without any face to face assessments, and for a long period, because my autism is quite severe and my difficulties are clearly documented by my consultants.

BasicUsername · 18/09/2018 09:22

Fair enough, if you don't want to and your DH is happy to take on the financial burden, that's great!

You don't HAVE to work to be a valid member of society. It's just the accepted norm.

Do whatever works for you and your family.

Waddsup12 · 18/09/2018 09:22

I have ADHD & the thought of getting up every day & being trapped in work also fills me with dread. You are right to think the stress if not having a DX will have affected you too.

BlindAssassin1 · 18/09/2018 09:23

I agree with Allfednonedead. People shouldn't just be measured in value for the money they earn. There is more to a person. Op, you are raising your children and running the home, its not like your sitting on your backside all the live long day!

You may feel like you are able to work when your DC are older...and you may not. Its not all there is to you.

Bigmomma88 · 18/09/2018 09:23

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. Mental health is so important, make sure you look after yourself.

Unicornandbows · 18/09/2018 09:25

Hey have you thought of jobs such as dog walking or baby sitting at home to help you out?

ArialAnna · 18/09/2018 09:27

Yanbu - if what you have now works for you and your husband, then it's none of anyone else's business.

That said, I do find it a little odd that you'd write off work forever and ever, based on experiences you had as a teenager. You don't know what you're capable of now until you try. Plus jobs range enormously from the very stressful and long hours through to pretty chilled and short hours, and some you can do fully from home. Might be worth considering when the kids are older.

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