A new Neurodiversity support thread for those with suspected or diagnosed ASD, ADHD and other NDs

[PigPigTrotters]

Yet another thread for neurodivergent mumsnetters.

Lots of links in old threads.

Anyone is welcome, it's not just about autism.

I often get raging angry about injustices which lead to awful things

Yes yes yes. Injustice just doesn't make sense and makes me very angry.

I think I'm a bit hit or miss with whether I get sad about things. Sometimes I sob and sob over books and films or get upset at celebrity deaths (especially Christopher Hitchens and Robin Williams) but other times I'm not bothered.

I didn't cry at all when my Nana died but I'd already seen her and 'said goodbye' when she was in hospital so it was just a case of waiting for her to actually die after that. I'm glad I didn't waste tears on her, anyway, with things I've found out about her and my granddad since then.

But yes to getting ridiculously angry about injustices. I have to stay away from certain threads on here sometimes because I just end up getting so irate and frustrated by the unfairness people are going through.

I'm sorry Polter. It's weird when you're not close to someone. IME funerals are 10-14 days after someone has passed, as long as there's nothing untoward about their death.

Oh yes to injustice anger. Death and celebrities, it depends on who it is and what happened. For example, I met Princess Di and she was lovely so I was sad when she died. David Bowie though, I've never been into his music or watched Labyrinth. I don't think I've ever mourned a celebrity though.

Bit of a lurker here. I'm finding this thread so very helpful in making sense of myself and possible asd. Thank you everyone for your openness.

I am hit and miss when it comes to being sad about things too. I find that sometimes I have a "I don't want to hear it" mentality when big things happen in the world which sounds cold hearted and I suppose it is but when I have things going on in my own life I find it hard to divide up all my energy equally between it all and I don't feel I need the extra stress of what ever else is going on. Sounds awful written down but I know what I mean and hopefully you get it too.

I get very angry when injustice happens. Especially when it's a feminist issue.

On the death thing, my fil died a year ago. I was so at a loss as to how to support dh. It just didn't upset me that he went. His suffering ended and that seemed a good thing to me.

I remember telling myself " in situations like this I assume I'm meant to offer dh a hug" .

I also have a thing in my head that says "Ah. I'm this situation, other people like to be touched. I had better touch them."

I wish people knew that that doesn't apply the other way around. The last thing I want when I'm upset is someone touching me.

*in this situation

The reason people get upset when they think about things like FGM is because they imagine all of the feelings that a person in that situation would feel, (so in this case, fear, pain, confusion, breaking of trust) and kind of "feel" a watered-down version of them based on their own experiences of having felt that way in the past. So they're actually experiencing some form of hurt by empathising and this causes reactions as strong as crying in some cases.

With the brother's suicide, it will be that, but it will also be tied up with guilt, whether if he had had a better relationship with him it wouldn't have happened, whether he should have offered more support despite the relationship, and perhaps a grief for the person the brother was before they fell out.

I definitely agree with not finding celebrity deaths that sad.

Sorry Polter - I totally get it - one of our childhood friends died in childbirth 2 years ago before ever meeting her son and her funeral was just awful. They did this churchy sombre affair with her uncle reading this whole messy bit about how the police and journos would need to be dealt with and how we should all pray for her etc etc. I basically didn't want to be there or talk to anyone and all I could think of was that DH might get drunk and lairy and so we had an argument :/ I did write her a very long poem though and they asked me to read it at the wake. I do feel empathy quite deeply sometimes (esp since DS came long) but other times members of my family die and I don't feel a thing. When DM died my dad insisted on coming to the hospital with me and standing around in the bereavement room with my DSF and DSS's and making inappropriate 'jokes'. I just wanted them all to leave frankly. I did recently go through about 5 years where I couldn't cry - it was so weird.

Polter

Hope everything can carry on without disrupting plans that you already have in place (if that doesn't sound too heartless).

I was sad when my grandparents died, but not very, it wasn't a shock. I don't think I've lost anyone very close yet, so I don't know how I'll react.
When Dh had his stroke it was awful, really struggled to keep it together and deal,with all the other shit that was going on at the same time.
Same as you with celebrities Polter, although David Bowie's death did leave me shocked, mainly because the Goblin King shouldn't die.

The earthquake/tsunami in Japan in 2011 completely overwhelmed me but probably because ds3 was only just born. I did a lot of sitting and watching events unfold and the horrible aftermath.
I'm generally not bothered by things like that.

That makes sense bertie. I think for me, because I can't imagine that then I seem very cold and distant. I'm not. I think it's horrific and needs to be stopped, but I am not going to end up in tears over it IYSWIM.
As for DPs brother, I do understand (kind of) it's just that if my dad died, I know I wouldn't feel like dp does. I don't really have a relationship with my dad and if he died then it wouldn't affect my life at all (that sounds horrid, but I know what I mean!)

I do get very angry if I see unfairness and injustice though. I am very very angry about Ched fucking Evans nasty horrible raping cunt (sorry)

Ah, that's interesting.

When I see someone who's both emotionally close to me and actually physically in front of me experience physical pain, I feel lurchy unpleasant physical sensations, but no pain.

When someone's emotionally upset and in front of me, I feel very distressed, but not necessarily in tune with what they're feeling - whether their feeling is anger, fear, or sadness, my emotion is generally anxiety, extreme discomfort and/or panic. It's almost unbearable and I urgently want to make it stop (for both of us), but have no idea what to do about it. I usually try to make my face look like it's supposed to look in that situation, but correct reactions are very difficult. Because physical touch is difficult for me when I'm distressed, it's hard for me to have the correct physical response of touching the person, because their distress upsets me too and when I'm upset I can't handle touch, IYSWIM, but I try to ignore that and touch them anyway. It's not easy but the only way I'll feel better is if they feel better (because I hate other people being distressed - it's awful for them) so I try to do it.

So, empathy is supposed to involve feeling the same type of feeling the other person does? I can't always tell exactly what emotion the other person is feeling, but I can tell they're distressed IYSWIM, and I want them to not be distressed.

If it's happening on a TV screen, whether it's fiction or not, it has no emotional effect (except that I get pissed off about injustice or unfairness to people).

And hugging. I can hug the kids. I can put up with hugs from the little ones in the nursery and when I'm crying I like a firm hug. Hold me tight, it's the pressure I like. It calms me down. Other than that you can leave me alone. I have learnt to put up with a kind of half hug for dp. I lean against him and he puts his arm around me, but I can only do that for a little bit.

In fact, my reactions as a child, before I learnt the correct way to speak and act, were so out-of-tune with my distress at other people's distress that when I was a teenager, it was thought I didn't have empathy, and I was diagnosed with unsocialised conduct disorder, the precursor to antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy).

Hmm, I did get upset when I had upset my mum. It never occurred to me that she would be upset and when I realised I felt horrible. I think that's because I get on with my mum though.

I don't like people being upset. It's distressing because I'm never sure how to fix it.

Interestingly, I never met most of the criteria for conduct disorder (cruel behaviour, rule-breaking, etc.) - it was largely because as a child, I hit other children (I now realise due to autistic traits), and because the outward manifestations of my emotional reactions were incorrect and looked similar to those of children with callous-unemotional traits.

I don't like people being upset. It's distressing because I'm never sure how to fix it.

Yes. I want to make everything better. I want to make them feel okay. But I don't know how, and I can't tell if what I'm doing is working.

Whenever this sort of conversation comes up in my family we talk about the time my youngest sister managed to badly cut her leg going down a water slide in the garden. My parents were out (and my brother and I had moved out long before then since we're much older) so my other sister - with an autism diagnosis - was left to deal with it.

She must have been in her early-mid teens (and my other sister is a couple of years younger) and just didn't know what to do. It's not that she didn't care but she cared so much it overwhelmed her and she didn't know what to do.

So, she left my youngest sister crying and bleeding in the garden and went to have a shower.

Her reasoning for this is she always has her best ideas in the shower!

The idea that came to her was to make my youngest sister an ice-cream float to drink.

I've just had a horribly inappropriate thought that I probably shouldn't share, which involves you + family wearing your normal clothes, plus an enormous, elaborate and expensive hat for you.

That sounds so awkward. Sending flu vibes your way.