How exactly do you feel/have you always felt if you are an adult female with aspergers?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I suspect i have aspergers. It doesnt affect my lifeas such but there are things that bother me and looking back I've always felt, off somehow. I've always put it down to a difficult early childhood but now im not so sure.

So (and it's probably worded very badly) how do you actually feel? I can't think of a better way to convey what it is in trying to say. I guess an example is I've always had friends (although I struggle to keep them) and appeared sociable but I've always felt on the outside and I'm forcing myself more and it doesnt feel natural to me. Like its disjointed somehow.

I feel like me too , I often don't realise that not everyone thinks like me until people comment on certain things.

Do you have any links? The only things I have done is read on traits that are typical in Aspie women and do a few of those online tests. Everyone has scored fairly high and way over the score what you would need for a diagnosis.

Samantha Craft's list (about 29 minutes) on YouTube is amazing. I identified with all of it. Especially the feeling of watching and being watched! Copying a friend when young, oh all if them rang a huge bell with me. Well worth a watch and listen.

I feel...like I never get it quite right. Like everyone else was given a book of the full rules and I get snap shots I get to see briefly. I'm constantly 'putting my foot in my mouth' and upsetting people unintentionally. Constantly anxious, especially about new things and changes.

I feel relieved since I was diagnosed 8 months ago. I finally understand why I am like I am. It's also nice to talk to the other MNetters on the neurodiverse thread because I realise I'm by no means the only one!

It's always been impressed on me that the issues I've had are shared by everyone, so I've always felt normal, but crap at normal-ing, and never being able to fit in. And always blamed myself for being rubbish.
Now I feel like me, but I'm not as bothered by being me, because I understand why I am who I am. Like Faith says it's such a relief to know and find others whose experiences are very similar.

Faith, yes that definitely resonates with me. I feel like everyone knows what the rules are and I am trying to play catch up. I say things which seem fine to me then I realise after that I don't think the other person liked it but I didn't mean to be rude or upset anyone. I am always anxious too. When I had counselling, I had to fill in a questionnaire each time measuring my depression and anxiety levels and anxiety was always high, even when we finished. I did mention the possibility of aspergers to my counsellor and she did say she didn't think it was likely but then it isn't her area and I outwardly probably seem fine as I try to fit in a lot of the time and try and think how others would act and what would they do.

I find people either 'get' me or they don't. If they get me they seem to really like me and tell me how I am funny and they like my honestly and bluntness which I do find slightly confusing as I am just being me and I actually don't get why people don't speak out a bit more rather than following along. An old group of friends I had is an example. One woman would always try and railroad the activity into exactly what she wanted, others didn't really want to do that and would tell me. No one would tell her though, they would all follow along and go "what ever you want to do hun" even when they didn't want to. I would just say I didn't want to and look like the bad guy!

phil yes that sounds appropriate too, normal but a bit crap at it. And never really fitting in. Even when I have had groups of friends, I have always felt slightly on the outside. I would have 1 or 2 closer friends within the group but overall I never feel like I belong and it inevitably falls apart.

I feel like a lot of the rest of the world is weird. (Disclaimer: many of these things might just be me, rather than ASD. Also, MASSIVE generalisations ahead. Most of these don't apply to most people but many of them have many of them.)

They like people getting hurt on You've Been Framed and people getting tricked on Punked or whatever it's called. When they're teenagers they like excluding people for fun. They like "teasing" people. They like going out to clubs in their twenties. They don't stroke furry things in shops. They like to wear inexplicably uncomfortable clothes. They like to talk about people behind their backs. They watch boring TV shows that I don't like They seem to walk into a room and make friends with people straight away. They look back fondly on their school years. They pay almost no attention to detail and don't seem to care about fucking up. They touch people without their permission. They can listen to a screaming baby in a shop and (presumably) don't have to resist the urge to cover their ears to avoid looking rude. They always seem to know what to say in any given situation. They can't spell. A lot of them can't tolerate people who are different. They never just have to stop in the middle of the supermarket because it's all getting too much. They're obsessed with the way they look. They never seem to be particularly interested in anything. They talk to you when you're stressed out. They like you to touch them when they're upset. They wash a lot. They go to the hairdresser a lot and get manicures a lot. They think internet friendships aren't real friendships. They don't listen to what you say to them. They buy things without researching them properly. They listen to music I hate (). They get pissed off at you for no apparent reason. They don't like wordplay. They don't get tired even after a while day out of the house. They're all incredibly organised and can do laundry, cooking, work, childcare, appointments etc. all in one day. They all seem to be able to drive or use public transport. They flirt with each other. They never say what they mean or mean what they say. They tell lies and they think that's okay. They don't do what they say they'll do. As kids they always know who the cool bands are and what pencil case to have.

But I love them anyway

That's them. They're weird. I'm perfectly normal, and so is my family.

a while day out of the house

WHOLE day

Had to happen. I mentioned spelling. Instant karma.

Yes to nearly all of that autisticrat! Spelling and grammar. Learn the difference between you're and your! and I'm dyslexic!

Dyslexia etc. I can understand; I have (many of) my own personal… quirks (have just now dropped an entire pint glass of Ribena all over my bedroom, for no reason) - I guess what I mean is people who are just like, "well, why does it matter?" even for actual published things, when they know how to do it but don't care.

I think if I had complete assessments I'd be diagnosed with dyslexia, ASD (including sensory-perception issues), dyspraxia and maybe AD(H)D. Certainly I have terrible co-ordination and drop stuff all the time.
The grammar and spelling stuff irks me because it's the rules and I see rules as definites so I can't fathom why people don't follow them!

Perhaps it's a difference in perception. I hate following rules that make no sense, that seem pointless, or that I don't understand - and only later in life did I learn that you must follow them anyway. Saying "please" and "thank you" - they either do or don't want to give you something/do something for you. That rule made no sense to me. Uniforms and appropriate dress - pointless. Why is that necessary? And so on. (I do follow those rules now!)

But spelling and grammar rules? Those are useful rules. They make text easier to read and understand. The more the spelling and grammar deviate from the norm, the longer the text takes to read, and the harder it is to work out what the person really meant. It's only polite for the author to meet the reader half way (and if the author is very dyslexic, "half way" may be in a different place, as the massive extra effort required to make the text conform to the standards may not be worth doing in order to save the reader a tiny bit of effort - although in published writing, where there will be many readers, that tiny bit of effort will be multiplied by many readers so it is important to get a proofreader).

And so on. I don't like it when people fail to follow important rules such as the rules of the road.

I got told I couldnt be autistic because I dont follow pointless rules autisticrat!

I am able to follow rules but rarely do if they are stupid and pointless! I love your post from 22.38 last night!

I am also crap at being "normal" and as I get older I dont actively try anymore! I doubt if I will ever get a dx but "normal" I certainly aint!

Pedantic, obsessive, controlling, reliable, punctual, and many other things but I definitely dont aspire to be "normal" , I mean who would

Pointless rules are one of my bugbears (What even is a bugbear? I'm going to have to look that up. Hang on … … … oh wow! It's a scary gobliny bogeyman kind of thing - from either bugge, meaning scary thing in Middle English, or from a Welsh or Scots word for goblin. And there was me thinking of some kind of annoying pest like a furry beetle. Woollybears or something. Cool!)

Ahem. I digress.

Anyway. Surely the reasonable way to answer "How many potatoes would you like?" is "three" (or four, or seventeen); why does that answer need a please? I mean, yes, we all do it, but why?

Because we have been conditioned to say it thats probably why.

Its like when people say sorry for something that wasnt actually their fault but they feel responsible!

My daughter rarely apologises, we have never felt the need to train her to. If she ever hurts someone or upsets someone she will apologise if she feels she should but not if her actions were accidental. I am fine with that but have found myself in some awkward moments over the yrs where my conditioning makes me feel like I should apologise for her but I know that would upset her because she hasnt done whatever it is on purpose so doesnt see the need to apologise.

Hmm! I love that we have been able to step out of the craziness of mainstream society. We are loving much freer and less complicated lives

I guess some of what I was trying to say last night is that I've never met a sadistic autistic. Schadenfreude seems to be an NT thing IME. I'm not saying there are no autistic people who enjoy seeing others' pain, but I don't think it's common. When we hurt people we don't mean to! At least, I don't think so.

I mean, most non-ASD types don't either! But the only time I've heard it suggested that an autistic deliberately hurt someone is the Sandy Hook shooting.

Maybe it's a false idea I've got. I certainly don't want to demonise NT people or imply they're nasty or that people with ASD are somehow better than other people.

I don't know what I'm trying to say…

I think you are right autisticrat ! I have never ever set out to hurt anybody ever and I dont think I have ever intentionally upset anyone. I am much more likely to walk away from conflict and never look back. Which I guess could be upsetting for some people as it can be for me.

"Pedantic, obsessive, controlling, reliable, punctual" were you talking about me there .

See I like rules and am an absolute stickler for them. The school states grey socks only for boys, DS only has grey socks for school a day white for DD. Some send their children in in trainers or navy shoes despite the rules being black school shoes. It makes me get all twitchy to see it. But if I read 'keep off the grass', I will feel the need to run across it . It's about as daring g as I get.

Road rules definitely need to be followed. I get so irrationally pissed off at drivers who use their mobiles, drivers who don't indicate, tailgating etc etc, all things that are in the highway code. If you can't follow them get off the sodding road a d leave it to us who can follow these rules.

Spelling and grammar mistakes irritate me hugely! I know I'm not perfect but it doesn't stop me being annoyed about other's mistakes.

Oh and I definitely don't understand why people don't care about stuff and say "but why does it matter?" Erm, because it just does of course!

I especially hate it when I know 100% that I am right about something and someone is either telling me I'm wrong or arguing the toss about their point, when I know they are wrong. Example, I leant something to a friend. It was a loan, I remember the conversation exactly, she even said something a while after so I was fully aware she knew it was a loan. Cue me wanting it back and she suddenly forgot it was a loan and tried to argue with me about it. Same with another friend, we had done our Wills and were talking about inheritence tax thresholds and she kept arguing with me that they were X when I knew they weren't. I then second guess myself and Googled it and yes I was right.

It makes it sound like I argue with people a lot. I don't, it's rare actually but if I know my point is correct I will damn well say so!

Yes I hate the thought of hurting anyone. I also would rather walk away which I know has been very confusing to ex friends. I can't deal with conflict at all (which may just be me) so I'd rather not deal with it and remove myself completely from that person.

I must be a horrid aspie as I have dreadful thoughts,of revenge and can hold a grudge forever but I don't act on them, just have a bit of a festering session now and again. Hurts me most of all.

Harry no its definitely not just you who cant deal with conflict!

All it doesnt sound like you are horrid, it sounds like you are over thinking and ruminating which is typical aspie behaviour!

Is that an aspie thing? I can hold a grudge and let things fester and it just goes around and around forever! Even after years. Gets on my nerves tbh as I'd LOVE to just let it go but I just can't. Especially when I have been wronged or been unfairly treated.