How exactly do you feel/have you always felt if you are an adult female with aspergers?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I suspect i have aspergers. It doesnt affect my lifeas such but there are things that bother me and looking back I've always felt, off somehow. I've always put it down to a difficult early childhood but now im not so sure.

So (and it's probably worded very badly) how do you actually feel? I can't think of a better way to convey what it is in trying to say. I guess an example is I've always had friends (although I struggle to keep them) and appeared sociable but I've always felt on the outside and I'm forcing myself more and it doesnt feel natural to me. Like its disjointed somehow.

The dr who diagnosed me suggested I try to join an Aspergers meet up group. Seems like a contradiction in terms. Anyone fancy a Facebook group though?

That is a brilliant post spinningtotem. I'm only sorry I didn't see it sooner. I identify with so much of what you say.

An Aspergers group could be a good idea Firewithfire - they do exist and I don't go along as often as I'd like due to other demands on my time but other members have found it massively beneficial.

I agree, a female AS group would be great. I used to be on a FB group entitled 'British Women With Asperger's', but the woman who ran it was really annoying.

A couple of yrs ago a paediatrician local to me started a group for girls with aspergers/hfa. We go and its grown over the yrs. It turns out that a small but significant group of the mums and a couple of the dads also have Asd or identify as having it.

Its been great to meet other people I can share ideas with. Sometimes its hard for everyone to get along but we do our best.

Hi can I join in?
I finally today plucked up the courage to go to my GP and she has agreed to refer me for assessment.
I was shaking with nerves talking to her and I'm so relieved now and also in floods of tears (not sure why) and terrified that the assessment people will tell me I'm a big fraud.

autisticrat you post about weird people is brilliant! I'm normal like you .

MrsLogic I've actually recently joined that group. Not formed an opinion on the admins yet though.

I've met my people here! I feel as though I'm a chameleon, constantly trying to fit in. Autisticrat - your long post - I identified with every point but one. And SpinningTotem - yes, I fail to recognise faces (even when I've apparently spoken to them at some length previously!) and have no sense of direction. I did the same journey to work for 25 years and still if DH mentioned a particular road/roundabout, couldn't work out where it was on the journey.
My late father (an engineer, whom I now suspect to have been on the spectrum) bought a book years ago entitled "What do you say after you say hello?". To me , that sums it up.

I feel very strange and disconnected. For me things are black and white. I'm very conscious that I don't know what to say, how to be or act. I often seem very aloof or cold. I feel very deeply. I hold grudges. On the whole the social thing is baffling to me. I just can't get it right. Everyone else in my movie knows their lines and I don't. So I'm bumbling along going through the motions. A lot of stuff to me is pointless and I don't feel the joy that most people feel. I was diagnosed with borderline personality but having two dd's diagnosed with autism I strongly feel I have aspergers.

MsQueen i was diagnosed with BPD too by a clinical psychologist now been told i have aspergers, ADD and possibly dyspraxia
The two do commonly get misdiagnosed as the other i'm told x

I should have said, my daughter (22) was concerned she has ASD and my youngest DS (7) has been flagged up by the school, feels a little like i failed her as they are so much alike (when DD was the same age)

This thread didn't come back up on my active convos. I've just started another one as I have been offered an initial appointment through a charity so going to see what happens. I'm pretty terrified if I'm honest.

msqueen you describe it very well. It's exactly how I feel. I feel deeply and will hold a grudge to the end. I don't forgive and forget. I think one friend fines this a bit disconcerting as we had a conversation once about my ex best friend, who she knows, and she said "so you bet one chance with you and that's it" and I was like, "yes" which on one level is probably not the best way to be but if someone upsets me, why should I try to hang on to them. I am very black and white. It's right or its wrong. There isn't a huge amount of grey for me.

I hate it when people hint at stuff. If you want something, say it. Don't expect me to read between the lines as I will take what you say literally. DH still does this occasionally. He will hint at something, I won't get it then he says "I should have just said it" and say yes! Usually he wants something from the kitchen if I go in but doesn't ask and makes a general comment. As he didn't ask, I didn't know he actually wanted it so I don't get it. Stuff like that. I need stuff spelled out.

Oh god the anxiety around not knowing if I'm doing things right is horrific. Have I smiled at the wrong thing, how come I don't get a do over because I don't have enough time to process and think of what I really want to say, why can't I just go out and do rather than be petrified that I'll fail and look stupid, why I am super super aware of how my face moves and hoping it's not wrong. For me anxiety is huge. I feel stupid and worthless most of the time. I hate having to think on the spot and I hate how a conversation doesn't come naturally to me that I have to work at it. I hate that I say "oh bless" when I don't know what to say, I hate that eye contact hurts and a lot of time in social situations I feel raw and exposed.