I've always felt like I'm standing far away from everyone else, and that there's a bridge or a barrier between us, that I'm observing them rather than really interacting with them, and that they are incapable of really seeing me.
I felt like an alien growing up, which turned into feeling subhuman as I got older, just not as much a 'proper person' as everyone else.
I am constantly baffled by people, despite almost obsessively studying them and their reactions/motives. Things that are guaranteed to upset whole groups of people don't stir even a flicker of emotion in me, and on the flip side I seem to get extremely upset over things that shock and baffle others. I go from 0 - 10 instantly, and don't seem to have the slow build up and warning signs that people expect to see.
One example of constant frustration here: the concept of not talking about something because it is offensive. I understand that people don't want to upset others (I don't either), but I do not understand how this is more of a priority than uncovering truth (which is the ultimate priority for me). Whether something is offensive or not is irrelevant (to me), even if I find it upsetting. All I care about is 'is it true?'
I am always afraid. I feel one step away from not being considered human at all, and something that should be lynched or 'put down'. I get nightmares of being discovered as not really human and chased by angry mobs.
I don't recognise faces, they all blur into one, I can't tell if I've met someone before or not.
I can't tell where I'm going, the landscape appears to constantly shift visually and I have no sense of direction.
I can't tell where a sound is coming from, but some sounds trigger extreme emotion. I also have synaesthesia (I see flashing colourbursts of light with certain sounds).
I find it extremely upsetting to be touched at all by someone without expecting it (will have to take myself off somewhere to cry), and find it difficult even when I am expecting it. Won't go to hairdresser or dentist (would rather have pain and end up with no teeth), and struggle with doctors.
I am not proud of this part, but I noticed above someone said they had never known an 'Aspie' to be sadistic. I do have extremely sadistic feelings toward men as a group (psychological only, never physical). I think this is due to the long-term physical/emotional/sexual childhood abuse from my father, and now metaphorically seeing his 'all-powerful' face in all men, and wanting to smash it. I know this is wrong, and I suppress it, but I do not know how to get rid of it. I would never act on it.
I look forward to the quiet, slowly creeping inevitability of death, and would never choose to live life on this planet again (not suicidal though). There have been happy times, but a thousand-fold nowhere near enough to outweigh the pain on the other side of the balance. I cannot bear witnessing the pain others suffer on a global scale, and despise the parts of myself that contribute to it (ie. even just by living in a privileged Western country).
Anyway, I will stop myself there as that is the other tendency I have... to ramble!
I have found comfort in knowing there is a recognised reason for much of what I feel, and hope others gain similar comfort.