Do you ever suspect you may have aspergers? (Or do you know you have it?)

[CrapBag]

It's something I have occasionally thought about.

I have frequently been told that I am honest (or blunt) and if people want an honest answer, they will come to me. I don't like to be rude and don't like the idea of upsetting people but sometimes I get the feeling I may have. A chat with a friend recently got me thinking and she said if we're talking and I don't want to do something or I don't agree I will just reply "no" and that's it. No discussion, I will just come out with it. She isn't the first person to say this to me. I genuinely can't understand why that may not be right.

Another friend once told me she thinks I am misunderstood and I don't mean any harm (true) but I'm not sure who is misunderstanding me or why.

I do like my routine. I don't like changing it. I would describe myself as set in my ways. I'm incredibly on top of things and organised (to the point people joke about me sorting their lives out). I am very black and white, no middle ground. I also have a very strong sense of fairness and hate injustice of any kind. I also find it very frustrating when people make a mistake on something and feel the need to correct it (I don't, I keep it to myself as I do know that would annoy people).

I have done the online test (I know, I know [http://archive.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html here] and scored fairly highly.

I have always felt like I don't quite fit in although I think I do a pretty good job of covering this up. I feel like I am on the fringes quite often.

I know it doesn't really matter. I wouldn't say it affects my life although I do struggle with relationships quite a bit (not DH and DCs) mainly friends. I was just curious after my friends recent comment.

Would anybody wish to share how they find their condition affects bringing up their children? I find the constant noise and interruptions really hard. I never get spare time just for me. My ex is rubbish and I have no family support. I find the constant noise really hard to cope with. Ds is only ten years of age and talks far too loud I am really noise sensitive especially by the evenings. Come 8 pm I just need to be inside my own head but he NEVER listens he gets plenty of quality time with me as he is an only child one could hardly say he is neglected but no all he does is run in and out of his room until 9 pm and bother me and it is hard work getting him into bed every single night.....

Men have such loud voices I don't think I could cope with a relationship again ever I relish the quiet and really don't miss their inconsiderate boistrous noise late at night with too many lights on and too much noise I have always struggled with space issues in relationships and needing time on my own relationships with men just aren't for me. However I do value friendships with men and women for as long as they aren't emotionally heavy or draining nice light exchanges with positive understanding caring friends who can cope with a nutter like me!

I only found out I had this two years ago it was a real trauma but a breakthrough. I manage the issue so much better now. I stay away from triggers as much as possible.

The main issues are a lack of sleep and too much noise when overtired/after 8 p.m. Sometimes I have slept so badly I struggle with ds's noise all weekend and I find it really hard to cope. I just walk round feeling a nervous wreck all weekend.

It isn't our fault having this is it why is life so challenging at times!

I hope i'm not speaking out of turn, but hopefully this is useful to someone.

My mum has aspergers (undiagnosed but I am pretty sure. Her brother definitely has it and it just fits).

We clashed terribly when I was a pre-teen and teenager, we just did not understand each other. I thought she did not love me. From my point of view, she gave no obvious indication she loved me - she never said it, she was critical of me and seemed to me wholly uninterested in my life or my friends, outside of being interested in my academic life. I craved her love and attention and a lot of our arguments were - I now believe - due to me preferring to be arguing than ignored.

What seemed irrelevant to her - small talk for example - was important to me.

It was a difficult time for all the family.

As I got older, our relationship improved but it wasn't until I was in my mid 20s that I understood that she does in fact love me.

And it wasn't until I was in my mid-30s that I understood that she has Aspergers. Once I understood that, it made a big difference to me to understand that she is the way she is because of ASD not because she doesn't like me. Our relationship has improved massively now I understand her better and know that her behaviours that made me feel so rejected are not from a bad place, she's not actually even rejecting me after all.

The closest we have ever got to discussing it us my mum closing a conversation down about whether DS might be on the spectrum by saying "I don't think it's useful to be given such labels".

I can see how she would think that. She's a high achiever and has been hugely sucessful. However it has benefitted me enormously to understand why she is how she is to me, I feel much more accepting and protective of her even.

I also appreciate her fantastic qualities now too, I took them for granted when I was younger (perhaps that is just youth? !) She had instilled her thirst for knowledge and sense of fairness and justice in me for example and I will be forever grateful for that.

She suggested once when I was a teen that we went for family counselling I wish we had, I think it could have helped in trying to understand each other.

I wish she had been diagnosed and had shared that information with me. It would have helped enormously if I could have understood earlier. Also maybe she could have got relevant help and advice with managing our relationship.

I hope this post is helpful, if it helps anybody avoid the rows we had that would be amazing.

Well, apparently I'm too inconsistent. I did the RDOS and got: "You have answered inconsistently on too many control-questions" I went back and looked at all my answers, and I changed 3 or 4 I was questionable on (but mostly from "Yes" to "A little" or vice-versa), and it still gave me the same. I have no idea what to make of that. I really didn't see anything particularly inconsisent, unless it was the fact that I am in a committed relationship but I did answer that I find dating/romantic situations difficult. But surely that can't be unusual? People do have partners. I feel a little disheartened that I am so strange that a quiz meant to help identify where people are different from normal can't handle me. :(

I did find it interesting that they asked about OCD in the beginning, as I have been wondering if I have traits of that. Learning that 'instrusive thoughts' were a thing was a big eye-opener, and a relief.

sleepy, I've suspected ASD traits in DH, and sometimes recognising that might just be 'how he is' has helped. There some areas where I recognise that he is not going to change, and other things that he does that I find annoying but I think just isn't something he can do much about. A friend whose DH was recently diagnosed with HFA has found it made a big difference in their relationship.

I remembered something else that has made me wonder about ASD traits in myself. I gave a bit of my writing to a critique group, and in it the main character has a particular genetic condition (important for the plot). I got a lot of comments along the lines of "Are you trying to indicate that [main character] has autistic traits? Because that's not actually one of the symptoms of [genetic condition]". No, actually, I wasn't. It was just the first time ever I'd written a main character that I let think like me.

Flower - earplugs are brilliant
You can hear enough to still know what's going on, but it takes the edge off the noise. I like quies ones, easy to get in and block out loads of noise.

I'm finding it more difficult to be a good parent as my dc get older.
When they were little, everything happened because I organised it (as happens with young children). The house was tidy, I counted all the toys away at night, all the jigsaws, nothing was lost or broken, ever.
Now the older two are teenagers, and we have daily behavioural difficulties with ds2, I have lost control, and I'm finding that difficult.
I'm very aware that I could be controlling, so I'm very careful to stop before speaking, or I ask them to write their demands requests down so I can take it in without getting too stressed, or I tell them to go and ask dh.
Dd talks very loudly and quickly, and has very strong opinions, so we can sometimes clash.
As the dc get older, we seem to have more and more problems to deal with, which I never expected.

Scored 43 which was no surprise whatsoever

Have been aware I may be AS since ds2 was assessed 3 years ago and tbh it was a relief to realise I wasn't just weird!

I really struggle with being sympathetic to others esp if they are hurt or I'll - I just don't get it. Deal with the practicalities but am more likely to tell someone to man up than empathise. Same with bereavement - I don't get the missing people after they have gone - I tend to move on with life which I am embarrassed to admit tbh.

The other thing I struggle with is dealing with bending rules or people in authority - follow the law to the letter and if someone says don't do it then I don't. If i do inadvertently break a rule it worries me for days. Same with upsetting people - I know (or think) I've upset someone or pissed them off but don't know how or why but will stew about it obsessively. I also tend to march up to someone and ask them straight out what I have done which can produce some baffled looks as I have completely misread the situation.

On the other hand I have friends who say they love knowing where they stand with me as what you see is what you get - there is no hidden agenda with me. The flip side of that is I expect others to be the same and it confuses the fuck out of me when they aren't what they seem. It also tends to make me really suspicious of people though.

I am completely disorganised and will avoid doing things if I can - hate talking on the phone and use email if possible. When I was younger I would even refuse to go to the corner shop to buy a paper or a pint of milk - just couldn't cope.

Like others I have learned social niceties and can hold my own in social situations but I'm still not comfortable with it.

I find it easier now that the dcs are older. We all like our own space and it's much quieter too. I dislike the irrationality and randomness of little children and feel our interactions are far more relaxed and natural now.

I have problems interacting with friends, and tend to be taken advantage of and disrespected, so I choose not to have any now. I can't cope with the bitchiness, cattiness and game playing. Friendship was a puzzle to me and I couldn't spot if someone was playing me. I'm wiser now, but don't have the energy anymore, so don't bother with anyone.

I'm warm and friendly with the kids and dh and always make sure they know they're loved, but, overall, I'm quite an aloof, cautious person and I dislike huge display of emotion. I can't understand why people become emotional unless something big is happening and it's irritating and undignified in my world.

I spend my life on the periphery always looking in and never feeling part of things.

I've bought earplugs too

Same here Hidden.
I have very few friends and avoid social contact as it mostly feels like a waste of my alone time.
I'd happily be alone and silent most of the time.
I do have a couple of friends, but we meet up for an hour or so every two or three months, and that's enough.
I have a big family, and I find family get togethers quite daunting. They don't do relaxed conversation, it's all quite intense, and I sit back unless they talk about a subject I know something about, then I'm intense and insistent that I know best (because obviously I do!).

LeChien

My cats are my best friends.

I've just taken a look at the test originally posted by OP, and my score of 27 more or less confirms my thought that I have some traits, but by no means would I consider myself to actually have aspergers.

But reading the questions has made me understand a little more about a friend of DS, which can only help when she's in my company.

whojamaflip I can really identify with some of that! I too obsess over something fairly trivial that has happened with a friend. Even now, I have lost friends over the last few years and I cannot seem to move on with it and spend ages going over and over and over what has happened. It annoys the fuck out of me (and DH I think because I talk to him about it and he has heard it many many times).

I'm also very what you see is what you get. I wouldn't know how to have a hidden side. I too expect others to be the same a d take everyone at face value. I also don't see how people can lie because I don't. Life has taught me that may people are two faced and lie but I still trust quite quickly, then realise they aren't what I thought and I withdraw very quickly. It leaves people wondering what they have done tbh. On a link to that Tania Marshall thing, she says something about that and it suddenly made soooo much sense. I have been doing it for years.

hidden I feel like that with emotion too. I rarely show people my emotions (except love to the DCs) and I don't understand why others do. I have no idea what to do when an adult cries and feel very very uncomfortable about it.

umm
DD age 16 just scored 30 and 26 when DH and I did the test for her based on our perceptions. Which is borderline. It's something we do keep wondering about.

Interesting thread. And something that I have been wondering about recently.

I've done some of the tests on the thread and they suggest I have some traits, but probably not aspergers.

But what originally piqued my interest was reading a website that listed the signs of aspergers in young girls. So many of them describe me as a child. It has made me wonder.

And I have no idea what, if anything, to do about it anyway.

The site is I was looking at is here

Never seen that lost, thank you for linking it.
Thumb sucking and nail biting - 39 and no signs of stopping, not sure where she gets 9 from!
Loads of familiar things on the list.

List not lost.

A few have carried on into adulthood here too LeChien

When I read 9, I think of the level of detail I logged around my toy animals. They had birthdays, ages, interests, etc all neatly logged in exercise books. But I may be misinterpreting it.

Good point about earplugs ladies I will pop them in when I am feeling the strain - I have always had them in supply but haven't used them in over 2 years. I always take them if I stay in a different location overnight e.g. friend's house/hotel - as I am so noise sensitive and have trouble settlign in an unknown bed with different lights/sensory issues around me etc. I have a dark piece of cloth and pack that overnight too along with clothes pegs so I can hang it over any overlight pair of curtains in the room!!!

Great to know we are sharing and comparing and we aren't alone.

In terms of bitchiness with friends yes that is totally lost on me also and I get on better with the opposite sex - I don't mean it is sexual at all - just I think more along the lines of a man often - I just do not have that nasty bitchy competitive streak so many women appear to possess. It goes right over my head.

Yes that has affected friendships over the years - to my mind there are two types of friends - one are the genuine friends who can cope with our condition - then there are what I call more contacts who are only really fair weather friends since they deepdown disapprove of us on so many levels.

I have stopped doing telephone calls to friends since discovering I have this problem and tell them right from the beginning of the friendship that I find phone calls draining and it brings out my negativity to start with and I cannot manage calls well and I also cut across the caller a lot as I never know when it is my turn to speak and once again this is a classic trait of our problem .......!!

35. But like a previous poster not sure whether that's just me being a socially struggling introvert.

Also agree with another poster about children and the noise. I can't bear it, it makes me want to leave home and I don't think my children are that much noisier than other children, I just can't deal with it at all.

And 143/200 on the RDOS test. It's food for thought anyway. I have often wondered why I struggle so much to do what everyone else seems to be able to do without batting an eyelid.

Yes yes to both getting on better with men (it's the black and white I think) and being unemotional about death. And I understand the feeling a bit embarrassed about it.

I envisage when my mum dies and I feel nothing. We have a strange relationship anyway (long story) but I look at my son who has many quirks (he's been assessed for autism but they say no. I'm sure there's something quite possibly aspergers) and I nurture him. I KNOW I was just like him and was left to be abused so I feel very bitter about not reaching my full potential etc (though I know some of that is down to me)

I also overdose on bracket usage

Perhaps Aspergers is pathological introversion.

Flowerpower I am finding two much easier as they interact with each other and I can ignore them more frequently with less guilt! It does mean pretty much no alone time though as they're so young.

Yes the main issue with two children is needing to be the referee I imagine when they fight together. I get interrupted all weekend long and I have been weak and rundown with a stomach flu a and lying in bed as much as possible for two days and ds has been wearing me out poor boy we haven't been out anywhere but I was too ill. Thank heavens I don't normally feel this bad it is some sort of gastric prob. passing through and I feel at my wits end with the energetic talking/noise/questions etc. I can't wait to feel normal again. That is I should say my level of normal which is questionable to say the least ......!

Is he not of the age where he would want to play computer games while you're ill? I can't wait to play computer games with mine, though they're quite NT so far so maybe they won't want to :/

I scored 37.

But I wonder if you could take introversion out of the test. Somehow.

shakey in exactly the same with housework- can't stand that when I've completed a task it needs doing again! Drives me crazy.

Sea - I find the baron Cohen test awkward too. (Remember it is based on male aspergers not female aspergers)
The library/party question is really asking 'do you prefer quiet places where you are alone or busy places where you are expected to interact with other people'.

I actually prefer parties to libraries but I ticked libraries on the test because my reasoning is different from what it is really asking. ie at a party I can have 'real' conversation with friends I feel comfortable with (and can drink which makes me less socially anxious) whereas at a library I might be expected to make small talk with the librarian. I also can't stand people being behind me if I sit in a library. At a party I can have my back to the wall and feel safe.