Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

[EauRouge]

No sign of our own forum yet, so for now here's a new support thread for women on the autistic spectrum and/or with ADHD. Newbies more than welcome!

The old thread is here.

Here are some helpful links for newbies:

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

I took off Tony Attwood because it was about people with autism rather than for people with autism. Anyone else got any book recommendations?

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

If any of those don't work, it's because I'm cooking the DDs' dinner and I'm shit at multitasking. What's that burning smell?

I felt relief too. I've known I was different for a very long time, and I've been thinking specifically about AS since I was at uni over a decade ago! Things have just slotted in place. It's like I've spent my whole life being unable to see clearly, then suddenly I got glasses. I'm re-examining my whole life.

Like chien I spend a lot of time thinking about what the psych said, in particular eye contact. He said I have typical AS eye contact, so now whenever I talk to someone I'm very aware of where I'm looking.

I'm still undecided as to how open I should be about my diagnosis. I'm very aware that once it's out there, there's no going back. So I need to be absolutely sure before I disclose completely.

I can relate to that 'replaying of trauma too'. So that's an autistic thing, NT's don't do? I didn't realise that before.

ASC DS and I had another confrontation yesterday, I'd like opinions on. He's been getting into card tricks (special interest?) and keeps doing them on everyone all the time. He did it with me again yesterday- picked out the card I'd picked. I said 'yes', with a smile. But he got upset that I wasn't more jubilant that he'd successfully done the trick. I was genuinely perplexed, and asked him what exactly he wanted me to say when he's don't the trick 20 odd times before on me in the past week. He says he feels I'm not interested in what he does well. I am but I'm starting to think in maybe not showing my pleasure/pride outwardly enough because of my ASC. Would that make sense?

We have told DS that we believe he is ASC, have given him books to read on it and sometimes when he's struggling we explain 'that's an ASC thing'. But I haven't told him I'm ASC too. (Tbh if I told him before a diagnosis he'd just call me a liar anyway-very black & white thinker with a splash of ODD)

Although after this incident I maybe need to talk to him about it, if it's upsetting him that he doesn't think I care because I'm not expressionate enough. I did explain that I was happy, he was just misreading my communication of that but he still stormed off in a mood.

We avoid spending much time together because clashes like this happen every time.

Athena, it does make sense about your voice. I have the opposite problem with ds, if I make my voice too animated when he's done something, he gets cross because he knows I don't mean it. Flat voice and it's fine.

With your ds, have you ever considered PDA instead of ODD? We suspected ODD with ds and became very strict parents, which made life hell, although we stuck with it doggedly waiting for results.
Things have only improved, and constant confrontation and meltdowns slowed down, when we read about PDA and used those strategies. He's now a lot easier to be with.
Dd and I clash sometimes, she will often sound aggressive without meaning it, which immediately makes me feel pressured. I do the same to her apparently. We both have to think how we're talking to each other.

I don't know if the replaying memories is an ASD thing, but I've spoken to a couple of people about it and they don't do it. It's not like flashbacks, it's almost like being able to relive a few minutes.
I tried to do it with my wedding, but can't really remember it. Good job we've got loads of photos!

Thanks I've read the PDA page on the nas site. So much of that is me!

DP says it's harder to get me up and out in the morning than the DCs, I'm a terrible procrastinator and half the time I leave without brushing my hair or my teeth.

DS doesn't fit that though. He is oppositional for example: yesterday my DM said 'those BBC executives get paid far too much' DS chips in with 'no they don't, I think they don't get paid enough' !!! It's just constant opposition and argument with anything any of us say.

With the voice/relation thing it's making me think that other people over the years have thought this too (that I'm not interested in what they're saying) but as NT adults are too polite to say anything to me. DS doesn't have enough empathy to be tactful so is bluntly telling me what everyone else is probably thinking!

Polter I am commiting those responses to memory because that is exactly one the problems I have with ds.

Athena I have been told that I look really annoyed etc when I didn't feel like that at all. I also remember this kind of thing at school, "What's the matter?", "She's always in a grump" and I never really understood at the time as sometimes I was happy. I have defnitely been more successful socially since I made a conscious effort to appear 'Interested' rather than just be how I am.

I am going to have a chat with ds about this. Don't want him thinking I don't care. :-(

I wouldn't use the term 'odd' outside the safety of this group tbh. I've read what Wikipedia says! It just describes his argumentative essay quite well. But he's not 'badly behaved' in the way the descriptions usually portray it.

Ds functions very well so I keep him away from the 'diagnostic' pathway.

I've not read about pda before. That describes me to a certain extent. I'm such a procrastinator! Getting up and out in the morning is one of my biggest challenges.

Re: the 'looking grumpy' yes! I got that loads at school too! My whole life people have thought I'm miserable etc when I've just been in a neutral mood. I'm going to have to be a lot more aware of this in the future and specifically focus on looking 'happy'. It feels so fake though!

Oh christ! After that hellish dentist trip the other week a bit of my tooth had just broken off! I have a horrible few weeks coming up and really don't need this. Fuckity fuck.

Sorry about your tooth Bat. Hope it's easily sorted.

PDA came to my attention only the other week on 'Born Naughty'. Very interesting though and explains a lot.

I've just bought myself an adult colouring book and I love it! I love to crochet but I find it taxing because I'm still learning. I hate playing on my phone, never get anywhere! Colouring is lovely. I had a memory too when I was sharpening my crayons....I had a teacher in 6th form who was rubbish didn't believe in me and said You strike me as the type who spends longer sharpening pencils than actually studying. The specific example was wrong but I wonder if in some ways she hit the nail on the head re possible ADD?!

Taking ds tomorrow for his assessment, absolutely terrified!
Worrying about the journey and what will happen once there.

Ds doesn't care as I've pandered to him and bought his specific list of snacks.

Good luck for tomorrow! Is it NHS or private? I need to book an assessment for DD1, we really need some help with her sleep and diet issues. I will take her to the charity though, not putting her through what I went through with the NHS.

I've had a rough week, DH has been away again and DD1 has had loads of anxiety issues about sleeping. I'm seriously sleep-deprived so cranky and worse executive functioning than normal. DH got back last night but he's going to be away for bedtime tomorrow as well. I am so fucking knackered.

One of my neighbours told me today that there's been a complaint at our local allotments about children running around. I'm really paranoid that I've not supervised my DDs properly, although I'm usually really strict because I worry about them pissing someone off. Normally they play next to the allotments where I can see them but they're not in anyone's way. There are loads of other kids there but I keep worrying about it.

Just found this thread! :) I have ADHD and "autistic traits", I suspect maybe mild ASC not sure if it's enough to be diagnosed.

Anyone know of any resources for ADHD parents? I see a lot for kids with ADHD but not a lot for parents. I'm 30 weeks and would love something to read to make me feel a bit more prepared

I've got an urgent appointment... in 3 weeks! I don't know if I'll actually be able to let them do anything. Last time she barely got a look at my teeth while I was crying under the safety glasses. Urgh.

Eau, does dd1 like lights? Ds got this after it was recommended on here and it has turned nighttimes around. It has lots of tunes, the sea etc or you can have it on silent. I think it really helps that he can set it himself. Shop around though because I got it for a tenner.

Good evening :)

I'm waiting for an ASD assessment... although I've been told it could take up to 6 months :(

Hello again everyone.
Interesting all your colouring books - I used to love drawing but they just don't appeal.
The report is interesting and quite a lot to digest. I have moderate aspergers which was weird but also fits with how far I've come in learning to be 'normal' I can look back and feel sorry for myself.
Really spot on was the bit about how I may appear disinterested or bored when I'm told something significant but that's due to searching for the correct response. A recommendation was to give deadlines for responses rather than expect an answer immediately (at work).

Ooh, new people! Hello and welcome, Lashes and MTWTFSS.

Lashes, there isn't much info available for parents with ASD or ADHD. We're kind of winging it! If you look at the Cynthia Kim blog in the OP then that talks about ASD and parenting- she doesn't have ADHD but the executive functioning difficulties are fairly similar.

MTWTFSS, are you going through the NHS?

BatFoxHippo, thanks for the link. I think it's going to be tricky finding a projector for DD1. She doesn't want an ocean one because she doesn't want to feel like she's underwater and she doesn't want a space one because we went to a planetarium last month and it scared her and me as well. I found a northern lights one that she likes the look of.

Eau thanks I will have a look :)

Hi all! I keep an eye on here but I find it difficult to follow all the thread. I am working at the moment and with all the end of term things I am finding really hard to keep track of everything my brain is constantly worrying and my concentration is dropping drastically. TBH I find it difficult to get my thoughts together and speak them out to people…in a bit of a gaze. Was it chronically who had trouble the other week with a repetitive thoughts about somebody lying to her and not being able to make sense of it? the exact same thing happened to me a few weeks ago and it is driving me up the wall. There is no point in me confronting the person as they will just lie again..I am currently driving DH crazy with it!
Anyway I just wanted to touch base as I know a lot of people can relate on here…off to locate 3 pairs of choose, socks and uniform under the montain of mess that my house has become

shoes not choose!

Yes molly it was probably me you're thinking of, I've posted a few things recently about people lying to me, or not telling the full truth and then contradicting themselves. I'm doing a bit better than I was, over time the thoughts just seem to lose their strength and I can push them aside more easily. But I do seem to need a few crying sessions or outburst of anger about the lying before I can get to that point- and that's what drives DH mad, it's probably the thing that causes most friction between us at the moment. I need to get it out, he doesn't want to hear it.

I hope you can get it out of your system soon!

Hi MTWTFSS hope it comes round quicker than that.

I do think though that the intensity of it depends on my general stress levels and that the real problem is something else (like at the moment I am completely out of routine and have no time to wind down and follow up on my interests so anything that usually bothers me, bothers me even more!)…but I do hate it so much when people lie!!!! Lying makes no sense what so ever. If it is any consolation it drives DH mad too, he doesn't seem to understand how I can go round in a loop tormenting myself trying to find an explanation to something that according to him doesn't need one.

Hello all

Have just read the whole thread and some really interesting stuff. Some of it quite familiar. I am yet to get an appointment for diagnosis but suspect that there is definitely something there linked with some kind of social anxiety thing. I know it's said lots of these things overlap.

The student loan deferment thing that some people mentioned and how they put it off until the very last minute. Me to a tee. been on the phone to them today as it happens. Same every year.

Maybe it's not ASD. Maybe I am NT but just have an allergy to:
-Social gatherings that I don't know exactly who is going to be there
-Unnanounced visitors knocking at the door
-Withheld numbers
-Interviews
-Public speaking
-Making specific arrangements well in advance
-Commitments
-Doing things calmly and quickly with the minimum of fuss.

The list goes on.

I'll keep an eye on this thread and good luck to everyone with whatever challenges you are facing.

Just had a massive meltdown. Someone kept making a noise over and over that I can't stand (sensory) even after I asked them to stop several times and I ended up screaming and crying at them and now I feel like shit. DP is away and asleep now so can't talk to him and I literally feel so upset and anxious.