Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

[EauRouge]

No sign of our own forum yet, so for now here's a new support thread for women on the autistic spectrum and/or with ADHD. Newbies more than welcome!

The old thread is here.

Here are some helpful links for newbies:

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

I took off Tony Attwood because it was about people with autism rather than for people with autism. Anyone else got any book recommendations?

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

If any of those don't work, it's because I'm cooking the DDs' dinner and I'm shit at multitasking. What's that burning smell?

Thanks flumble
Crohns - that's it, I was just coming on to say stress.
Violet a good news as long as you like the midwife !
Bertie sorry about your day

I was thinking today about the crossover and how things are sometimes distinct.
So I handed a colleague some notes and my ocd as I walked away made me think oh god what if I've written I hate [colleague] all over it and my suspected ASD made me worry she'd misinterpret some of my comments.

Chron, that's something I've always wondered about, still feeling anxious about something even though it's already done. You've put it into words very well :)

Having a hectic week, and feeling peopled out even before I get up in the morning. Then staying up later and later so I can have some peace, then ending up tired.
At this rate I'll be a wreck by Monday for the assessment, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad.

Noeuf, good luck tomorrow

LeChien is this the weird village coincidence? Mine is done using Disco and interviews

Do NT people not worry about stuff that's already happened then? I still go over conversations from years ago in my head and try to analyse everything.

Sorry you had a shit day, Bertie. It really hurts to be called lazy when you are trying so hard. I hope you get some rest.

I don't think so eau, at least not to this extent. DH is concerned that I am still replaying things from the past year, and I can still work myself into a meltdown over them. I get obsessed over events, and feel just as upset or angry over it as when it happened, if he thinks about past events he just has mild curiosity/annoyance. I think about things and it's burned in my memory for months or years afterwards, he won't think about it that long, days or weeks maybe. Even if I specifically mention an event from months ago he only has a vague recollection of it.

chrohn my Mum was telling me off for doing exactly that a couple of weeks ago! Apparently 10 years is too long to hold a grudge against someone for putting your lovingly grown cactus outside in winter and letting it die She can't even remember! I was furious at the time and I'm still upset when I think about it now. I had it from when it was tiny

Don't get me started on things people did or said to me at school either. Many of those images are still clear in my memory (unlike my times tables, how to spell a load of useful everyday words, or pretty much anything I learned during my degree and PhD!!)

Hmm, I think I was projecting a little, he didn't actually use the word lazy but implied it.

I think that the worst thing is I realised that I wasn't trying hard at all. I'd just stopped noticing that I was supposed to try so I didn't think that I had to. That's what it comes back down to every time. It's really frustrating. Then I just feel guilty that DH comes home from work and immediately does the washing up and he must try really hard not to comment on the mess - which doesn't bother me, so I don't notice it. In fact I had noticed it today and was just about to attempt to sweep over it at least a little bit, but then got distracted by something with DS and then I forgot.

I was thinking today about swiss cheese theory. You know the theory that human error happens, everybody slips or makes mistakes or forgets things occasionally. But as long as you have several layers of cheese it's unlikely that these holes add up so most of the time, everything's fine even if people aren't performing perfectly. But sometimes all the holes just line up and then there's a catastrophic event (I believe swiss cheese theory was mentioned in context of the Alton Towers accident), or even just a fairly ordinary disaster.

It occurred to me that swiss cheese theory happens to me a lot. And I think that's to do with the fact that with ADHD you just end up with a lot more holes. This evening I decided to go for a walk/jog around the block to wake myself up a bit, and had planned to ask DH if he wanted anything from the shop while I went, but I didn't. When I got back, he asked "Did you happen to read my mind and get my thing from the car?" - obviously not And secondly, when I got outside, I realised I'd put on flip flops - not at all conducive to a jog.

When I got back, I made a microwave meal (see, lazy ). After it finished, I made the amazing discovery that the annoying beep after the timer finishes is exactly a minute after the end of the microwave, which makes it extremely useful for that "Stand for one minute" instruction. I relayed this to DH and he about cried - he said I've "discovered" the same thing at least four times. I have no memory of this at all, to the point I'd swear he was making it up. Transferred food to bowl, poured myself a drink, slid the food to the other side of the counter so I could put my drink down first and then noticed the lightbulb needed changing and tried to change it (we have no lightbulbs.) Googled how to dispose of old lightbulbs. Sipped my drink. Smelled something nice and suddenly remembered that I'd just made food and then managed to totally forget about it in the thirty seconds since!

I would put this stuff down to being tired, but it's not. This is just how my brain works most of the time. The tiredness makes it harder to hold on to concentration or focus for a current activity, like a conversation, I totally forget how to form words, and my patience goes to zero really quickly, but the attention to normal stuff is that scattered all of the time.

I think I might write a blog about swiss cheese theory and ADHD.

And now I am late for my second bedtime, so I have to go.

bertie that sounds like classic executive function deficits. Cynthia Kim (musings of an aspie) did a few blog pieces on executive function.

Not quite sure what the solution is though. At work I use a lot of notes and post its, which helps with the 'big' stuff. It's the little things that trip me up though. I go to take my cup back to the kitchen and take it to the toilet with me, or put it down somewhere on the way. I go to ask someone a quick question and by the time I get there, I've forgotten it. I know everyone can do that to some extent, but it just seems to happen more frequently to me, it's very frustrating when you feel like you've spent all morning trying to get something done and instead spent the whole time retracing your steps and wandering round trying to pick up things that you've forgotten!

bertie there is one thing that helps, at least a little, with housework. And that's a routine. I now immediately after I've eaten, go and do the washing up and wipe the kitchen surfaces. Otherwise if I sit down after my meal, the washing up slips off my radar and I won't remember it until I need the pots to make dinner the next day. Then I get stressed and frustrated because I have to wash up first and it throws my timings off.

Everything else though, I'm better at doing a big blitz once a week or once a fortnight, where I spend a couple of hours tidying and cleaning, than trying to keep on top of things day to day.

I've got my appointment with the trainee psychologist this morning. As I can't really say what I'm thinking I've typed up lots of examples I can think of which are aspie/asd traits, giving details of incidents, things other people have said etc. it's over 5000 words, 10 typed pages and tbh I'm still thinking of more I can add. I've no idea what she'll make of it.

Putting it in a categorised list like that I can see where my main problems are: friendships/social interaction & sensitivity to touch & taste.

This app has been a massive help in getting housework done for me. I try not to stress if I don't get things done exactly on the day but it does remind me what needs doing. I also have a massive whiteboard on the side of my fridge (you can buy magnetic stuff on a roll) which my counsellor recommended. And another thing that's helped is a kitchen timer, so if I sit down at my computer for 'just 10 minutes' I can make sure that's actually all I do.

Athena, good luck today. She'll probably ask a lot of questions so you can use your notes to remind you. Let us know how it goes.

Good luck Athena.

Bertie, I'm like that, the only thing that helps me is having a list every day. I'm still scatty and flit from one thing to another, but with a list it means I remember if I haven't finished something because it's not crossed out!

That app looks good. I was wondering if there was anything like that. I'll give it a go, thanks :)

Last night I wrote myself a quick checklist for four key times of the day: Morning when I return from kindergarten drop off or an early class, early afternoon after picking DS up, evening after his dinner and 30 minutes before bed. They are nothing groundbreaking but I think it will help me to have something to run through. I haven't done the morning one yet, though, even though I got back an hour ago.

I do have a whiteboard and I was using it but at some point I stopped noticing it. Maybe I'll wipe it off today and start again.

I came across a brief mention in an online group about "low hanging fruit". When I googled this it means what it sounds like - the easiest, most achievable quick tasks first. She said that she does a "waterfall" housework technique - walks methodically around the house first thing doing all of the low hanging fruit type tasks, makes a mental note of noticing what bigger tasks need doing, and wherever she ends up spending the most time she'll try to tackle a larger job later in the day. I liked that theory although that was all the information I had on it, I'm trying to do that now. Because often I don't want to start something that I'm worried will take a long time due to feeling tired and unmotivated.

YY Polter, I am like that with paperwork. I put off cancelling my bank accounts for so long that I owe them loads of money in overdraft fees.

I also find that I put things off because they seem like a massive task, but then when I start it is actually easy. It's hard for me to envisage how long things will take or how easy they will be. Another thing you can use a kitchen timer for is to say 'I will just tidy up for 5 mins', which doesn't seem that daunting. But you can get a lot done in that time.

I put stuff off too. I used to hide credit card bills at uni When I dropped out and came back home, I hadn't opened a bill for almost a year. Luckily I didn't get in any trouble.

I actually admitted depression and anxiety to my bank when I phoned up to try and sort it and they were really sympathetic and took some money off my bill, so that was good. I was too nervous to explain about ADHD. It's such a stereotyped disorder that I think a lot of people see it as an excuse whereas depression/anxiety is more accepted now. Shouldn't be that way that you have to pick and choose, but I found it helpful anyway.

I went through a crap with money and bills stage but I wonder if it was less disorganisation and more disinterest? I had no need to be interested because my grandparents have me money and bailed me out all the time.

So how did you get on today Noeuf?

Verbal diagnosis to be confirmed in writing plus report with ideas going forward.
Draining