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Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

986 replies

EauRouge · 10/06/2015 16:45

No sign of our own forum yet, so for now here's a new support thread for women on the autistic spectrum and/or with ADHD. Newbies more than welcome!

The old thread is here.

Here are some helpful links for newbies:

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

I took off Tony Attwood because it was about people with autism rather than for people with autism. Anyone else got any book recommendations?

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

If any of those don't work, it's because I'm cooking the DDs' dinner and I'm shit at multitasking. What's that burning smell?

OP posts:
ISaySteadyOn · 23/09/2015 18:33

I fell off this thread I think. Eye contact is definitely something though. When I was a little girl people used to tell me to stop staring. I never thought I was staring, I was just looking.

I find looking into people's eyes really hard so people used to think I was lying all the time because apparently eye contact equals truth?

On another note that I think people on this thread might appreciate even though it isn't asd related, dyspraxia was mentioned on Casualty this week.

IamBubbles1986 · 23/09/2015 18:49

I think of my memory is right I used to get told off a lot for not looking at eyes when I was little so I think to avoid getting into trouble I do the opposite. But I might have made that up, I Dont know. My parents don't remebr a lot of things that reremember so I'm not sure what's made up and what isn't iyswim. I was a tiptoe walker as a child and still am to some extent although foot pain stops me doing itit as much now but its how I feel most comfortable. At least they remeber that, it's an ongoing family joke that I should have been a ballerina

mjmooseface · 23/09/2015 18:50

I am terrible at eye contact! I had an assessment with a male therapist the other week and maybe looked at his eyes twice, and that was fleetingly! When DH and I are talking and he asks me to look at him, that makes me even more not want to look at him! Eye contact makes me feel all kinds of weird - just staring into someone's eyes?! Even just watching two people give prolonged eye contact with each other makes me go all weird!

I sometimes don't realise how little I gave eye contact until I do that re-living and over thinking of a situation once I'm out of it. Sometimes I feel bad. I often want to give eye contact, but I really struggle to actually do it and to maintain it without being all squirmy on the inside!

I am better at eye contact with women, though. And children. I haven't worked out why that may be, yet. Any ideas?

QueenPigSmoothCheeks · 23/09/2015 20:42

Hi all. Can I join in too? DX via NHS and work a few months back. DS DX at 4 back in 2011. Currently seeking reduundacy from a 20+ year career in public sector. Very depressed...

PolterGoose · 23/09/2015 20:57

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QueenPigSmoothCheeks · 23/09/2015 21:04

Thank you Polter, I appreciate it. I'm trying to be more positive about disability and chair the AS support group at work. I think that it's SAD kicking in too.

I write a blog called Faspie which kind of explains the road to dx.

QueenPigSmoothCheeks · 23/09/2015 21:07

Sorry, it's (F)aspie, the algorithm won't pick it up otherwise! I have also applied to volunteer at NAS HQ.

PolterGoose · 23/09/2015 21:20

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QueenPigSmoothCheeks · 23/09/2015 21:24

No problem, I wanted to join the ranks of female AS bloggers (in a small way!) and try to spread the word that we're not all mathematicial geniuses and most of all, male.Cake

PolterGoose · 23/09/2015 21:30

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QueenPigSmoothCheeks · 23/09/2015 22:03

Absolutely, for me too. I have also read 'Aspergirls' which is on the shelf behind me and I'll have to remind myself of most of it as I cantered through it a few months back.

ACatCalledDave · 24/09/2015 01:22

Thank you very much for the welcome Flowers

I stare a lot and find eye contact during sex/breastfeeding uncomfortable to the point that I don't do it. I often will force myself to make eye contact in social situations.

I don't want to upset anyone and am posting this here with a trigger warning: has anyone come across this website?
aspar.wordpress.com/stories/

It's a collection of survivor stories written by children of AS parents. I found it looking for SUPPORT for autistic parents Hmm. I'm so upset by it - partly because the stories bring back a lot of awful memories of my childhood, and mostly because I feel like I can't be a good parent with AS. The website seems to view all AS people as deranged monsters Confused How can there be people out there who hate us so very much???

Allofaflumble · 24/09/2015 08:12

I have just had a look at that website Dave. Wow...... Brings back so many memories and shows how true it all is.

My son recently said to me that he sometimes feels I would not care if he died, that I would not miss him. So sad. I felt the same about my own mother. Yet worse as she seemed to despise me in so many ways.

Thanks for that link. I wish I could get back to blogging but I feel there is so much information and so many really knowledge able Aspies that I have nothing to say.

LeChien · 24/09/2015 08:15

I've had a quick read of some of those stories, and I agree they're awful, but on the other hand, every adult "child" that I know will at some point rant about their parents and how they did things, and the choices they made for their children.
Some consider their childhoods abusive, but this is not exclusive to having parents with ASD.

For my own part, I'm sure that at some point my children will pick out the negative parts to the exclusion of the positive. The danger of writing down an account (like in that website) is that it is there as a permanent reindeer, and because there is nothing positive written, it's easy to see the whole thing as bad, when for most people there is good and bad mixed.

It was uncomfortable reading though.

I have started to be open with my dc, and I also rely a lot on dh to make decisions and tell me what's happening (he is better at negotiating with the older dc about going out and being independent, so works it all out and helps me write a list). Without this, I could easily be controlling and far too harsh with them.
I suppose it's a balancing act, identifying the areas where his could be a problem and working out a solution.
With dd, she is getting the hang of writing things down so I can read her plans, rather than coming to me and talking loudly and quickly (does anyone remember that program Blossom? - that's dd!), when she does that I can't hear what she's saying and I get cross, which is unfair of me.
Plenty of places see anyone who is different as deranged monsters, but I think that just highlights how far the world has to go to be fully accepting of everyone.

LeChien · 24/09/2015 08:18

Sorry, permanent reminder, not reindeer Hmm
Although a permanent reindeer would be quite nice!

PolterGoose · 24/09/2015 08:53

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PolterGoose · 24/09/2015 09:11

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Allofaflumble · 24/09/2015 09:18

How are you feeling Polter about your diagnosis? Thanks by the way.Smile

Allofaflumble · 24/09/2015 09:19

I would love a pet reindeer LeChien! Smile

ALittleFaith · 24/09/2015 09:20

Welcome Dave and Queen.

I am dreadful with eye contact. I force it for job interviews but otherwise it's too draining to try all the time! I like having DD because I have to keep my eye on her rather than look at other people!

Dave please remember that those comments are from individuals with issues about their parents. They aren't referring to you specifically. Having said that, I do find I rub people up the wrong way - some people find my bluntness offensive! I don't mean to be!

My Mum always blew hot and cold. I think her Mum was narcissistic, while Mum had (possibly learnt?) traits. She was very particular about how things should be (immaculate house etc) and would go mad if we failed to maintain her standards. I try to be gentler with DD. She was a monkey yesterday and I said as I was putting her to bed Remember I don't always like your behaviour but I always love you! She woke in the night with a stomach bug which might explain the behaviour. Currently cuddling on the sofa with CBeebies.

On a random note, had anyone heard from batman lately?

ACatCalledDave · 24/09/2015 09:35

My parents were "controlling and harsh" (my mum would still like to be, given the opportunity, but we draw a line). They were abusive. But I know they didn't mean to be, and tried as hard as they were able, and my mum was a single parent without any support - I think I would likely to be a similar parent to her under those circumstances (best to be realistic, hey?). I hope that with appropriate support & self-understanding I can do differently... I feel much more sympathy with them since discovering the diagnosis. I get scared a lot that I can't do any better than them.

It's nice to chat to people who understand Grin

ACatCalledDave · 24/09/2015 09:37

Thanks Faith. We cross posted.

PolterGoose · 24/09/2015 09:43

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Allofaflumble · 24/09/2015 14:27

Polter he sounds amazing. It is interesting how astute and how much insight ASers have compared to lots of NT.

I never knew what my crying episodes were about. I was shamed as a child for having them. As I have opened up to a few people they are able to make sense of it. I had an episode a week ago as it happens!

I definitely find it easier being an older Aspie, putting aside the regrets of lost opportunities etc.

Must get some work done. Wink

PolterGoose · 24/09/2015 14:39

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