I thought that, it seems any time on here that I or anyone else genuinely tries to understand NTs, we get told were being obnoxious arseholes because we say the NT way doesn't make any sense. What's weird is I thought NTs would be happy people wanted to know - I'm always happy to answer questions about ASD and ADHD! (Genuine questions not thinly veiled insults)

I also think genuine questions in general get a weird response - I asked on a thread why someone would CHOOSE to go back to work when they had young children if they're financially well off and got a load of abuse. I wasn't trying to be judgemental, it just makes no sense to me so I was trying to understand. I think some people see questions as judgement maybe.

I'd love to study sociology

The MBTI stuff is cool, I'm reading the link now! Thank you :)

BertieBotts · 01/07/2015 23:26

Yes. A lot of people see curiosity as judgement but I do also think it's the way things are phrased. When you ask something worded like "Why would anybody choose to (xyz)?" you're really implying (even if you didn't intend to at all) that this is a totally illogical and stupid choice that you would never make, and hence people feel attacked. Then you add in anything which is an emotive topic which people feel guilty about - FF vs BF, SAHM vs working, it's just a minefield. You said you didn't have DC yet - this is the "camp" stuff I was referring to before. Don't try to understand other "camps" - you'll get it later, I promise, but you have to go through it. Just do what works for you and understand that everybody in that 0-4 stage is very raw, very defensive, feeling anxious, and guilty, and worrying that they're getting it wrong. Most people tend to emerge from that place when their first child is around four or when they have more than one child, but some people remain stuck in it for a long time. And the thing is that somehow when you have your first child you become public property in many ways and everyone feels the need to tell you how to do things. It's really wearing. I remember feeling totally and utterly done with it all by the time DS was a year old. I was fed up of explaining why I used slings, why I was still breastfeeding, why I weaned him onto solid food rather than mush, why I hadn't put him into a forward facing car seat yet. I ended up snapping at my mum when she asked a question about how to use the new car seat (I had a weirdo impact shield one, which really flummoxed people) - she most definitely did not mean any criticism, but I was just interpreting everything as that by that point.

I don't know what it is. I suppose that with other decisions, career wise, or whatever, people are usually quite impressed. And there are usually a lot of directions you could have gone in. Whereas with baby stuff, for some reason there always seems to be two main options, and it seems to matter so much which one you pick, and you're always secretly worrying "What if the other way was better?" So when somebody questions it, it hits all of those anxiety buttons and you lash out in response.

LashesandLipstick · 01/07/2015 23:36

I think that's right about baby stuff, everyone does what they think is best but there's always the doubt. I have also had really unsolicited comments - not questions just "I think you're wrong" type stuff and that does get wearing

I think exploring issues and ahat makes someone behave in a particular way is fascinating and I'd love to be able to do that somewhere where no one feels attacked, but I dunno if anywhere exists.

With the MBTI after reading I think I'm on the line, but fall more to the ENTP than ENFP side.

BertieBotts · 01/07/2015 23:56

That's why you need to study sociology

Original poster

EauRouge · 02/07/2015 07:42

AIBU is full of people spoiling for a fight. I only lurk in there for the parking threads.

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BatFoxHippo · 03/07/2015 06:12

Eau, I have had parties with turnouts like that (and worse...). I have learnt you need to invite and then later chase them up/remind them its on. I think because we get so worked up about social things, they loom large for us but NTs don't see that kind of thing as a big deal. There was something on FB the other day about what British people really mean when they say XYZ. It was for Americans but was quite lightbulb-y for me. Apparently when someones says "we'll try and make it" they actually mean "no chance are we coming."

I love the Croc abundance on this thread. I have a love/hate thing going on as they are so ugly but sooo comfortable. I will be examining the behaviour of anyone I see wearing them from now on!

Can I ask for some help please. Does anyone hand flap when excited/happy? Can you help me put into words why you do it and how hard it is to stop? Having issues wth ds' school. I do it but only very occasionally... because I am rarely ever happy these days .

CrohnicallyAspie · 03/07/2015 13:13

I hand flap and occasionally jump about when I'm really excited or happy. I try not to in public, but sometimes it just sort of happens- it's like smiling, it's natural for me to do it and I have to concentrate to not do it when the urge hits.

Original poster

EauRouge · 03/07/2015 13:29

I do a little running on the spot thing. Like a small child I try not to do stuff like that in public, but last Christmas when I'd finished all the shopping, I was so bloody relieved that I skipped/ran through the supermarket carpark to my car. Possibly laughing. Got a few odd looks but I did it.

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AntiquityIsDotDotDot · 03/07/2015 13:44

I don't hand flap but I do have that feeling inside when happy like something is speeding through all your veins and nerves, I guess adrenaline like now I think of it! And only doing something physical will let it out/calm it, with me it's vocalisations or like small children get excited where everything tenses and shakes a bit, suppressed like. I would say it's pretty hard to try and stop that kind of thing as it feels like it's about coping with internal changes rather than an external behaviour.

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 13:59

I hand flap when excited too

PolterGoose · 03/07/2015 15:01

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AntiquityIsDotDotDot · 03/07/2015 15:26

I'm currently dreading return to home ed land. First time I ever posted in the home ed group I criticised Steiner stuff and of course lots of them follow it so I was an insta pariah. Luckily I was used to going places for ds1's benefit and just shut down until the end of the sessions. I did eventually make some friends but I guess they no longer are as when I was in deep depression I deleted my Facebook and they refused friend requests when I started up again, I guess they thought I just defriended?

I know I will cross paths with some of them and it's going to be hideous as if there's unavoidable small talk they will be very nice but ultimately rejecting. Takes me back to a workplace where I was asked not to go on any more of their weekends away. Nothing I did was anything worse or different to others had, but of course I can't do all the regular social stuff in between that makes people be nice/overlook/laugh about the silly drunken antics of other people.

I miss my pre-Christian self as obviously I took the whole be nice to everyone, turn the other cheek to obsessive levels and lost myself to being kind and understanding to other, constantly, like I was a receptacle and not a person in my own right. I miss the umpf I had. Of course some has also been drained by having ds2, bless him but he's constant hard work.

AntiquityIsDotDotDot · 03/07/2015 15:35

I just got so many people liking me when I was a blank sheet for them to write their worries and pains on that I lost myself to that, imagining I was part of a greater whole for once in my life. But it's a fake way to belong, it damaged me and didn't actually make me belong. Belonging is about constant social interaction and I can't keep that up.

Original poster

EauRouge · 03/07/2015 16:48

I home ed my girls and I have pissed off many other home ed parents within the last couple of years, mainly by making throw-away comments about creationism or homeopathy or something else that I've unwittingly insulted. It's taken me a while but I have become part of a nice little group, and another one of the HE mums is an aspie too. So the DDs do have a regular group, even if it's just a handful of children.

But I hate hate hate going to large HE events because there is inevitably someone for me to annoy/someone to annoy me. I do do it, for the DDs' sake, but I complain about it to DH for ages afterwards.

Could you add them as friends again or join a local HE group on FB? My local group is really active so I can be a bit more selective about who I meet up with.

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BatFoxHippo · 03/07/2015 20:03

Aw thank you all you hand flappers / funny jumping people, that really helps.

The sun is out for the first time here and its the last day of term. Yay!

MaximilianNero · 03/07/2015 21:23

Hi everyone!

When I'm on my own, I hand flap, arm fling, grimace and pace every day. When I say pacing, I don't mean a steady walk - I hold my body in funny positions, fling my arms and hands around, and I can go from nought to a hundred in 1 second, as in one second I'll be walking and then suddenly I'll have leapt into a..well a leap forward with my arms flung out! I also rock backwards and forwards a lot.

I can't stop because this is how my body is set to be! Well, obviously I can stop myself pacing and moving my arms for short-medium periods, but I need to do it when I get home at the end of a long day, I couldn't stop for a week at a time or anything like that. To be honest I don't even notice when I start all the time - I frequently suddenly realise my face is already slightly screwed up for instance. Clearly I need this sensory input. It feels completely wrong to sit still for long periods - I can't without jiggling my ankle around really fast. It feels wrong and actually uncomfortable to not be pacing or moving my arms for any length of time, I get an uncomfortable sensation in my muscles in my arms and legs and back, which I can only ease by starting to move them around. And you know what? It not only feels right to pace etc, it feels frankly joyful at times. It's a wonderful sensation, really wonderful. You get totaly lost in it. I wouldn't want to live my life without these sensations.

The good news is that it feels amazing. The bad news for me is that despite how right it is for me, I feel really embarassed if anyone except my very close family see me doing it. I mentally say 'oh shit' when i realise I've screwed my face up and someone might have seen. One of my flatmates came into the kitchen and i was rocking backwards and forwards quite violently on the sofa, and I wanted the floow to swallow me up. She thought something was wrong, but she was fine with me saying I was fine and i did it all the time. Sometimes days at uni drag because all I want is to pace.

The other bad thing is when I bash my head against the wall while rocking - I'm paranoid about the edge of my bed now, because I'm going to end up in A&E bleeding and with a concussion if I actually smash the back of my head against it one day instead of 'just' hitting the wall above it (just an achey head from that). Oh and no one tell my dad that I may have loosened the sitting room lights where they're fixed into the ceiling by accidently smacking my hand against them really hard

Funnily enough, all this repetetive movement has become really pronounced as I've got older, even as my issues with communication have become non-issues in some situations and only mildly problematic otherwise. I'm still not great at small talk, social chit chat, maintaining talking to the same person for long periods and a couple other things, but otherwise I present a totally different picture to the child diagnosed 14 years ago (I read the diagnosis letter again today -wow!), to the extent I study a subject involving lots of communication and don't struggle at all with that aspect.

CrohnicallyAspie · 03/07/2015 21:42

Ah yes max stimming just feels so right! I tried to describe it to DH like this- sitting perfectly still feels as wrong as folding your arms or crossing your legs the wrong way!

AntiquityIsDotDotDot · 04/07/2015 09:42

EauRouge I tried adding them as friends and it appears I was blocked. It seems so extreme. I last saw them when ds2 was 6 weeks old and then I deleted my Facebook last year when he was 2. Maybe they'd blocked me then, I don't know, I was way too miserable to really notice much about others. Maybe I inadvertently said something back than that was offensive though I can't imagine it was anything different to things I'd previously said, mostly pissed off at the opposite political persuasion. These are my localish people and on the local Facebook. But it's bigger now than it used to be and I have one friend still and I'm hoping to meet others. ds1 has local friends and will be joining mainstream evening activities so I'm hoping I won't need to rely on a big home ed circle. Anyway, I'm too used to beating myself up for social faux pas and I'm not going to anymore. It is what it is!

Allofaflumble · 04/07/2015 16:49

Hi All

Just wanted to share with you that I had my second opinion assessment this week.

It was with Dr Judith Gould, Director of the Lorna Wing Centre who has special interest in adult woman. She said she had no doubt that I have Asperger's and would have been born with it. She has had 40 years in the field of autism.

So if she says I am, then I really must be! I must admit I do feel so much more accepting of it now and ready to start my new life.

Link below to read about the Lorna Wing Centre. Highly recommended. Hope it works.

www.autism.org.uk/our-services/diagnosing-complex-needs/about-the-lorna-wing-centre/our-staff/dr-judith-gould.aspx

Original poster

EauRouge · 04/07/2015 16:56

Brilliant news, Dr Gould sounds like she was nice. Here's to the first day of the rest of your life!

How do you get a referral there, did you have to go private?

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LeChien · 04/07/2015 17:03

Good news allofaflumble :)

PolterGoose · 04/07/2015 17:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LashesandLipstick · 04/07/2015 17:27

Polter I completely sympathise I isually go out and let someone else deal with tradesmen because I find the whole thing so awkward and uncomfortable.

I'm sorry it messed up your day :( Hope you feel better

PolterGoose · 04/07/2015 17:47

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LeChien · 04/07/2015 18:11

I know how you feel too Polter.
Ds3 has been ill this week and couldn't go to the childminder. I'm usually more able to face the weekend and having everyone around when I've had a few hours at home in silence.
I'm now completely peopled out and struggling to talk to anyone.
I've got an appointment with a mental health nurse in a couple of weeks. Anxiety is getting a bit on top of me at the moment.

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