Neurodiversity support thread: Women with suspected/self-diagnosed/diagnosed ASC & ADHD

[EauRouge]

No sign of our own forum yet, so for now here's a new support thread for women on the autistic spectrum and/or with ADHD. Newbies more than welcome!

The old thread is here.

Here are some helpful links for newbies:

List of female AS traits by Tania Marshall.

List of female traits by Everyday Aspergers

Musings of an Aspie- Cynthia Kim's blog (one of the few sources I have found about being a parent with Aspergers)

Autistic Women's Collective

Recognising ADHD in women from ADDitude Magazine

Resources for women with ADHD from ADDitude Magazine

Adult ADHD support (coming soon by the looks of things)

Books

Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder by Kate Kelly (I haven't read this one but I have heard it recommended many times- apologies if it's no good!)

I took off Tony Attwood because it was about people with autism rather than for people with autism. Anyone else got any book recommendations?

Online tests

(Online tests are not 100% certain but can give you a very good idea and a starting point for talking to your GP if you're seeking diagnosis)

RDOS Aspergers quiz (the best one IMO)

AQ test

ADHD test

ADHD questionnaire for women

If any of those don't work, it's because I'm cooking the DDs' dinner and I'm shit at multitasking. What's that burning smell?

Eau I feel the same, I don't like people in my house other than a few rare people. I prefer socialising out of the house!

I'd be livid if 75% of people didn't RSPV too

Polter I am the same. I avoid most things now because a I don't want to do them and b. I just get stressed. Apart from work I like to hermit as much as possible.

Thanks, you guys make me feel normal

Polter your son is right :)

plus I have no sense of 'duty' at all.

This!

Now I'll read more of the thread! I've been away a while, if anyone remembers me, as things just got on top of me with life.

The thing I'm struggling with still is that I didn't know I was as "not normal" as I am. All the stuff I read for ds, then for me, I didn't know I was socially shit. There were people who took against me and I never cared because they weren't the kind of people I bothered with anyway. I had friends & then there was everyone else because I had no concept of acquaintances, what's the point. I know I'm better off for knowing because it makes sense of a lot of things and I'm not constantly trying to fix myself, but at the same time I wish I never knew I was so very "weird". I didn't know I "monologued" I was just sharing stuff I'd found and was excited about. I didn't know I was supposed to join in with things or not criticise things, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to talk openly about "private things" or things to do with depression or mental health or all those apparently hidden things. I didn't know friendships were supposed to be watered constantly, I thought you became friends with someone and that was it.

I think it's been a couple of years since I had a night with friends who don't mind my weirdness but the newest one, in a conversation about the tv show Friends said she didn't even know why they were friends with Phoebe because there was never anything reciprocal from her and I'm still so very sad about it because I'm the Phoebe (and I always thought she was the best anyway). I want to bring it up with my friend but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Previously I just brought anything up but I now know that's Wrong.

But then sometimes I think it's all bollocks and just how NT's convince themselves their world is like. I learnt about the concept of acquaintances from church and I made a big effort, but my persona crumbled after ds2 as he takes so much of my functioning I can't keep up the social person. Anyway, I'm not a Christian anymore (religious tourist!) but as far as church know I go to another church, so I saw someone last week and they saw me but pretended they didn't. I was so shocked. I learnt these fucking social rules but apparently even people who are about community and family and friendliness can't even do them?!? Seriously, I kept mental files on everyone so I could ask this and that about them and keep up and BE SOCIAL. But then you end up realising no-one else is doing that, they just float along being social or selfish or chatty or blanking on a whim. Which I guess is the whole point really as they've defined that as Normal whereas I have to work at it. But fuck it, I think my working was nicer than their normal. Not that I can do it anymore so it's a pointless point.

I should stop going on.

I would say I do now have the courage to say no to things though. I used to think I just had to work at them and would agree to social things and spend the whole time dreading them, then be an Entertainer, then need a long come down, then feel happy I was "normal", until it happened again and it never ends. The weeks of stress and worry are just not worth it, especially now I don't need to feel "normal", I am normal for me (and others).

Fantastic post Ant. At work so can't say more.

Yeah I've been compared to phoebe from friends before too.

I don't mind people coming to my house. I actually like it, otherwise I think what's the point in having a nice space if no one else ever sees it? But it has to be planned in advance. I won't answer the door to impromptu callers.

I find the daily interference with my space and objects by my family far more distressing than occasional visitors (who are much better behaved ;-))

I've never watched 24, it's one that I've always wanted to but never got round to. I get stuck on Big Bang Theory. I get all the jokes and it makes me feel cleverer than I am!

I'm getting to my shoe angst time of year. The crocs are wearing out. I think it was last year I decided to take the plunge and buy something different, started a thread, took on board all the suggestions, then bought the exact same crocs that I always do.
I could do with something a bit smarter, but still as comfy and stylish practical.
Will probably end up with crocs again though.

I LOVE crocs. I wish they had been around when I was a youngster- I had real problems with sand in my shoes. My parents tried jelly sandals, those wet suit neoprene shoes, they tried washing my feet and carrying me off the beach so I didn't get sandy again, but no matter what I would always get a couple of grains left in my shoes and meltdown about it. Many's the time my mum told me that beach = sand in shoes and if I didn't like it then I shouldn't come on the beach.

However, I bought crocs (or a cheap generic version anyway) for a beach holiday in 2010 and fell in love. No sand rubbing, once your feet dry the sand just falls out. You can wear them on the sand or in the sea no problems. When you get off the beach you run your whole foot and shoe under the tap (if there is one) none of this hopping about trying to get your foot back in your shoe. They slip on and off so no hands needed which is a bonus.

Just a shame I can't get away with wearing them for work (maybe if I bought a black pair?!)

I had croc wellies when they did adult sizes. I spent half the year in those, the rest of the year in normal crocs. The wellies were rather skiddy though, dh was relieved when they stopped selling them. I may have gone into mourning for a while.

Lashes There is some stuff on ADDitude Magazine's website about parenting with ADHD and also a lot of stuff about being a woman with ADHD. It's good. I don't know about tips. It probably depends on your personality, although there will be issues relating to it I suppose.

It's hard to separate out - for the baby stage, I actually found the little baby thing great. I breastfed and co slept and used a sling (if you want to use a sling, get a decent one like a wrap sling, and if you want to breastfeed, go and hyperfocus on some BF forums and learn as much about it as you can in advance) and so it was fairly easy and straightforward. Baby cries, cuddle it or give it a boob, job done. I never had a routine and I loved that, I slept when he slept, loved the fact that I could get him to go to sleep by letting him see me close my eyes (they copy facial expressions you see) - it's been the later stages I've struggled with more. With babies if you're inclined to you really CAN "go with the flow" - not so much when you have a three year old whose flow currently involves wrecking an entire shop display or only eating ice cream for a week or whatever. That I needed different skills to deal with, and I developed them too late really, but you don't need to worry about that yet, and I can guarantee that you won't remember it by then if I tell you now, anyway. In the meantime, follow Andrea Nair on facebook (and hide her for now if you find her updates irrelevant). And stay in touch :) I'm sad that I didn't know some of the things I know now when DS was younger, so I'm always happy to pass them on.

Bertie that is a lovely post :) thank you very much

I suppose that the only thing I wish I'd known for the baby stage in retrospect of the ADHD thing - I was perfectly happy to shun the routine obsessed people with no permission needed! - was that you'll find with a little one that people tend to segregate into "camps" and it seems ever so very important to defend your own "camp" and various decisions that you've made, and just to know that it's really easy to get sucked into all of this and it can actually be quite destructive. So even if you feel really strongly about something (car seats, breastfeeding, sleeping arrangements, ear piercing, whatever it is, because everyone gets some "issue" that they think is the most important thing ever, or at least I had several! ) - that babies survived for generations without any of these and with people doing things the opposite way and, basically, just chill out if you feel yourself getting really evangelical, find some experienced parents and ask for a reality check.

A note about introversion BTW - I haven't done that particular quiz, but I'm very into Myers-Briggs, and there is one type (ENFP) which is known as "the most introverted extraverts" because it's sort of on the fence. But then because of bad stereotypes of introverts, a lot of introverts assume they are extraverts. It's tricky. I disagree with most myers-briggs enthusiasts, apparently, though, because I think self-typing by looking at the four pairs is far more accurate than doing the tests.

But then perhaps that's my ND attitude towards tests

Oh gosh I missed your post while I was rambling. You're welcome :)

Huh, I did come out as ENFP on that test. Usually (and typical for ENFPs, and, I suspect, ADHD) I get a different result every time. I like the profiles on there, too, I've come across them before. I found the description of (at least mine and DH's) personality type as parents almost spot on.

Bertie thanks again! Oooh Myers Briggs. I'm normally ENFP or INFP depending on how introverted I'm feeling when I do the test. Even at my most extroverted I'm still introverted tbh

I'm INTP

Do you all wear Crocs brand crocs then? I got knock offs and they rubbed my feet.