How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

If only primary school age ensure that you remove your school sweatshirt or coat at some point in the school day, leave it somewhere and then look impossibly vacant when asked repeatedly by your parents where it is to be found. Allow a full search by parent and irritable teachers who only wish to go home. At this point you may choose to "remember" that you put it in your pe bag because you were hot and have been carrying it all the time or never, ever find it at all. The choice is yours.

Teenagers...knacker your laptop by getting the charger stuck in the back ..then whinge and moan for my computer while I'm im on mn

Teenagers

You don't need to use the bike lock your parents bought for you with your new bike. Your bike won't get stolen when you leave it against a wall in town to go and get some chips with your friends.

Pick your mum's lovingly grown blueberries of the bush while they are still green. Smile as she admonishes you. Put them in your mouth. As your mother frantically tries to fish it out, bite down on her finger with your molar. Swallow the green blueberry. Smile some more as your mother nurses her sore finger.

Again for primary school age children, when mummy is on the computer ask repeatedly with intervals of 10 seconds "Is it my turn to go on the computer?", "Is it my turn to go on now?", "Is it now?", "When is it my turn?", "what about now?", "Have you finished yet Mummy?". Go on into infinity.

3yo girls in particular. Be happy and compliant for mummy, even tell her you love her. Then, upon Daddy's return turn into the spawn of Satan, only allowing daddy to brush hair, dry from bath, be in room and generally giving him hell to boot. Your parents might THINK that family time is a pleasant relaxing part of parenthood, but this is the time for you to play one off against the other causing as much tension as possible. Its for their own good

Toddlers/preschoolers; save your very worst threenage behaviour for when looking around the poshest school. Headmasters/mistresses are really impressed by hitting mummy repeatedly, blowing loud and wet raspberries at the school windows and by answering all questions with 'poo poo' as a response.

Baby siblings; save your biggest, smelliest poo for aforementioned meeting and follow it up with a huge vomit all down yourself, your mummy's smartest only half decent top and the headmaster/mistresses office carpet. This is all particularly effective if mummy decided that a toddler and baby would be more than enough to drag carry around the school and decided not to bring the changing bag for such a quick visit.

wait until there is a long queue outside the cubicle of the smart department store loos and then announce loudly "mummy I can see your fur"

Wedge a 1p coin between the prongs on the vacuum cleaner plug. Sit back and wait for the explosion when mum tries to do the hoovering. (must confess - this was something I did when small and my DM still has the melted coin to prove it ).

Pre-teens before trying to master The Sneer, start with the easier Shrug. Preferable The One Shoulder Shrug. This can be deployed when asked tricky questions by parents, for example "How was school?" "Do you want milk or water to drink?"

Optional extras are the words "whatever", "'S right, suppose." Or the equally useful Grunt.

If you are 3 and going to do something you have never done before or since...... for example walking into the front room brandishing a carving knife, please rember to do it when Mummy is talking to the health visitor, the look on both their faces will be priceless

When you and Mummy are going on your first visit to the educational psychologist, Mummy will be a little anxious. To break the ice when the ed psych says to you " hello little girl, whats your name?" answer, in a very loud, high pitched voice "my name is Pinocchio and I'm a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee boy"

Babies: for a more hygienic toileting experience, do a tiny but massively stinky nugget of poo in your nappy (preferably choosing the optimum time e.g. 10 minutes into a long car journey, 30 seconds before falling asleep at the end of a long and tiring day). Follow up with the rest of your poo once mummy has taken your nappy off.

Three year-olds: after a satisfying day's grumping you may accidentally lapse into some acceptable behaviour.

Constructive praise is your parents' way of reminding you to revert to form.

Toddlers: your parents like to act as if they know everything.

Test them out by asking 'What's his/her name?' about every person you pass on an hour-long drive.

Six year-olds: be chatty and entertaining at home if you like, but if an adult outside the home says hello to you, be sure to skulk and look at them as if they have four heads.

Learning to roll is a very important skill, and the best time to practice it is while Mummy is trying to change your nappy. Back and forth, keep on going, she'll be really proud of you!

Remember that any household pets are fair game, and obviously provided for your amusment. Chase them into corners, up and down stairs, burst into tears if they escape from your clutches loving attention and then remember to become hysterical if the poor animal decides it really has had enough and fights back.

Remember not to learn from this, and to repeat at random intervals, particularly effective if your twin sisters are screaming/being fed.

Message withdrawn

Just keep changing your mind until mummy cracks.

E.g.
Ds (2.6) I want my blue trousers on...no NO green TROUSERS...please blue trousers...don't want my blue trousers (for as long as mummy's patience will last).

If mummy makes the decision for you as she can bear it no longer, throw an almighty tantrum as she's obviously chosen the wrong item. Don't forget to to throw another even bigger meltdown if she stupidly gives in and swaps to the other choice.

Screaming 'no no mummy pleeeeeeeeeeeasee' when all the windows are open ensures that your game is enjoyed by the whole neighbourhood.

Be the only child squinting and grimacing in the class photo. Next to all those smiling, happy children in your class you will be easily spotted.

Banoffi, uberLOL! (although probably not for you at the time).

You need to visit the 'Memorable poos in inappropriate places' thread

Toddlers, repeatedly emit high pitched shrieks when going up the stairs to bed, because you know your little sister has just been settled to sleep, and wake her.

When being picked up from nursery, and mummy's talking to key worker, announce loudly "I wanna lick your eyebrow" just so they think we're weird.

When being helped to do a poo and mum is only pulling up your pants for you, say loudly "I don't want poo in my mouth!" so neighbour sitting in kitchen will also think we're weird.

Refuse to hold hands and hide in the corner at the beginning (and throughout) a junior school tour conducted by the head, yelling "no, don't want to come! I want ice cream."

Kick dog repeatedly up arse.

Older Children: When your parents ask you a question,do not answer. In fact,do not acknowledge in any way that you've heard them.(no flicker of the eyes ,no twitches in their direction)
If it is important they'll ask you again...and again...then you can say 'I want x,of course' (lots of aggravated and misunderstood facial expressions needed at this point...)