To The People Who Owned My House Before Me I Would Just Like To Ask

[MintyyAeroEgg]

Why, why, why, when the kitchen measures 25ft by 12ft, you chose to confine the kitchen area (all the units and appliances) to about 1/3 of the available space, and devote the remaining 2/3 to a dining area - which you chose to CARPET in dark green carpet. I just cannot get my head round what you were thinking of, you silly silly silly twunts.

Anyone else?

Why did you paint one radiator in red gloss, one in salmon pink and the living room walls egg yolk yellow?

Why did you never change the decrepid- skanky -mouldy -disused 'ensuite shower room'(HAH!) into an actual useable shower room?

Why did you not tell us the next door neighbour is the original Vinegar Tits?

Oh and why did you hang every door upstairs, upside down?

Why did you not mention the tramp in the shed at the bottom of the garden?

Why did you glue cork tiles with what seemed to be a reinforced superglue, on one wall in the box room,( meaning I had to spend 7 hours first with a hammer and chisel, then hot gun paint stripper thingy- bearing in mind the wall was only about 4m square so miniscule) to remove them? The spent a further 2 hours filling in all the little holes with plaster.

heated - we also bought a house with a homeless person i the garage

lots of empty aerosols daily!

i felt awful but we moved his mattress eventually and he left

Poetic license re the tramp - think he too was homeless.

Didn't actually have a problem with him being there; dh did but that's because he was the one who got a fright putting the lawn-mower away but our tramp missed the old owners. I helpfully found and gave him their forwarding address

this is hilarious!

OK, coming clean - our buyers would say:

"Oh, very clever of you to put the bread-bin carefully in position - over the place in the worktop where you had carved out a BLOODY GREAT HOLE to feed the fridge plug through - while we were looking around. Did you think we wouldn't notice once all your stuff had gone?!"

In our defence, it was a moulded plug and it wasn't going to be taken apart, or go through any other way...

Coming late to this but I have much to add..

• Why did you put an illegal fluorescent strip light in the bathroom?

• Why did you have quite the most monstrous 70s stone fireplace in the history of humanity, which was cone shaped rather like an upside down bottle and came out three quarters of the way into the dining room?

• Did you have some sort of share option with Artex?

• Did your eldest teenage son used to wank off in his bedroom, as we suspect? There were an awful lot of tissues lying around in there.

• How are your chickens? We quite liked the look of them?

• Are you still miserable old bastards?

what is under the coffin shaped hole in the concrete cellar floor .....(no really)

The house ( not the one we are in now) was a squat and home to lots of people with drug and drink problems over 15 years.....

there was a nasty shaped hole in one of the cellar room floors......

NotanOtter - do you not want to know? Do please go down there now and start digging now. Please also report back later because I really want to know.

UQD - Did you not consider cutting off the moulded plug, feeding the wire through a small driled hole in the work surface and then putting a new plug on the end of the bare wire?

unquiet dad

without wanting to sound melodramatic....

The house was HUGE 6500sq foot of Georgian town house and we renovated in from August 2004-february 2005

we rented and lived elsewhere but moved in days before christmas....

It nearly crippled us financially.

I hated it- the minute we moved in I knew it was wrong ..i swear i started having terrible dreams

I then discovered in victorian times a girl had been murdered right in front of it on a small park they faced

put in on the market end of may 2005

Moved out end of July!

No wonder you moved out. Sounds grim.

When I moved into my first home, every single room was decorated with wallpaper and a paper border, and every single border was upside down, in every room, so am pretty sure it was intentional

In my last house we found (or rather my the 5 year old) found 2 guns in the loft. We should have kept them for when the stream of debt collectors etc. that came knocking!
The current house, ditto loads of artex, gnomes, flowery borders, layers of floor coverings, nasty fireplace, lots of green...but I love it and although old fashioned and needs attention it feels like home. Can't remember when that lot was ever in fashion though.

Why when you fitted a power shower in the bathroom did you run the pipe across the loft hatch 2 feet above the beams?

Why did you think paint would hold window frames together?

Dear Landlord,

Do you come from a culture in which the boiler is a household god and therefore needs to be enclosed in an enormous throne-like cupboard, leaving feet of unusable space all around it and not enough cupboards for the pots and pans?

One of the things I love about this house is all the daylight - I think you feel the same way and hate to waste this glorious natural resource, which is why none of the curtains are as wide as the windows by a few feet.

Like another poster I am amused by the sloping kitchen surfaces, in particular the infallible consistency with which washing up water drains into pastry or biscuit dough on the one bit of surface big enough to roll baking out onto.

Did you get a wasp in your shirt while gluing something in the cupboards in the kitchen? Or are the streaks of yellow glue all over all the surfaces some kind of decorative effect?

You are very clever and thrifty to have fitted the shower head 10" above the shower door, so that when one person showers in the bathroom another person gets a free shower below in the kitchen, without paying for any more hot water.

Putting the rent up? up? Now? by £50 a month? Bless you.

Why did you not tell us you ran a business from this address (not a dodgy busines, though)?

Why did your business partner not forward his mail when you left? Or change the address on his driving licence? If he had, then the lovely, kind person who found his credit card wallet would have known where to send it rather than sending it to us. The temptation to use his cards was almost irresistible.

Why did you fail to tell Companies House for 2 years that your business was no longer at our address?

For anyone who has a problem with non-redirected mail, DH used to send things back (especially official mail, IYKWIM) in another envelope with a letter stating that the person no longer lived at the address and we would consider it harassment if they continued to send us unsolicited mail. Worked most of the time.

"It used to be carpets and curtains - as if you'd pull all your carpets up and take them. That was just a way of sneaking an extra thousand or two in without paying stamp duty.
"

Actually they did in the last house I lived in (where DH is living now) they wanted to take the main bedroom carpet - I have no idea why - it didn't look/feel like anything special yet of all the carpets in the house they took it with them

(and it's still got no carpet now 4 1/2yrs later )

I had to return, because my DH reminded me of the real party piece of our house last night.

Why did you leave 'dad' and 'nan's' urns in the back garden????

To whom did the red lacy g string hanging neatly on the washing line belong? (we bought the house from 2 elderly sisters).

Why did you not clean the kitchen? Ever? We had to rip it out.

Why did you act all shocked at the fact we completed and complained you "ran out of time" so couldn't vacate (or as it transpired clear out the sodding attic) even after your solictor had our cash? We had been negotiating the purchase for months it was hardly a surprise.

Why were you so greedy that you tried to charge us extra for carpets despite the fact that we were paying a large amount for a house that you had inherited and needed alot of work anyway you avaricious witch.

Do you know your over-enthusiastic use of borders almost reduced DH to tears? The blasted things were glued on around every room - the rooms in this house are massive high ceilinged ones. Obviously twee 1980s borders not the look we were after.

One I previously forgot.

Why did nearly every bit of floor squeak when stood on?
Why, when the floorboard became loose, squeaky and needed repairing/replacing did you just decide to hammer MASSIVE nails randomly about the floorboards. And then to help matters why did you glue the underlay to these ridiculously squeaky floorboards??

Meaning when we stripped back the hideous carpet to see if we could repair the floorboards and have lovely wooden floors - we discovered ruined boards with bit of green and brown underlay stuck to them. Resulting in a MASSIVE clean up job of ripping out the whole floor in nearly every room, just to stop the squeaking.

why would you stain a pine floor mahogany red? which everytime something is moved across the floor takes the paint off and leave lovely pale yellow marks?

why not just varnish it with clear stuff?

MADNESS!