Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

Aren't you? Are you sure? Because your previous posts imply otherwise.

Where is this "business world" in which women are acting like men in order to succeed? And what does that involve exactly?

It's not the commercial environment I work in, there, no one gives a shit whether you are a man, a woman, a transsexual or a hermaphrodite as long as you hit target and pull your weight. That's all there is to it, different people (as opposed to men or women all being like each other) use different behaviours which suit their personalities to achieve this. Some women are "ballsy", some men are collaborative.

Why do you think violent crime amongst women is on the increase? Instead of asking these rhetorical questions why not tell us what you actually think?

A lot of the (extremely sparsely provided) argument for stepfording it on this thread seems to be along the lines of:

I tried it and it made me happy
I am a woman
Therefore this is the only way for a woman to be happy.

Not exactly an Aristotelian syllogism, is it?
(now if only more women spent more time studying logic)

Try this one on for size:

I, as I mentioned above, am a medieval Latinist.

When I look back to my life before I became one, I realise how much happier I am now, and how much medieval Latin is adding to my sense of fulfillment (perfectly true)

I see many women around me who are not as happy and contented in their daily lives as I am.

It therefore follows that the thing that is lacking in women's lives today is medieval Latin. If you were only more in touch with your inner subjunctives, you would be happier and more fulfilled.

I am happy to set you daily assignments for a small fee.

"causal relationship between ability to breastfeed and ability to hoover a carpet". Has anyone tried using breastmilk in a Vax? There could be a huge market out there.

Cory, having done medieval Latin, I can tell you categorically that it is not the recipe for a happy life. You, on the other hand, might have been the recipe for a much less stressful few months in the house of Hab. Where were you when we needed proofreaders? Cleaning, I'll warrant.

But I like your logic, and god knows, it's used non-stop for chocolate.

Res ispa loquitor, Cory.

ISPA? Ipsa, I mean ipsa, obviously(GM bitch slaps herself across back of head).

Woah!

Think some of my posts are being taken the wrong way - I never agreed with the OPs stance except to state that different things work for different people.

Cory I bow to your knowledge although perhaps I was thinking more along the lines of murder and manslaughter rates.

G.....(Business-Account manager in a male dominated environment because I am a technical geek).How many women are in top flight jobs in the country? (Not many) Top management? (Not many) How many bosses use childbearing as a reason NOT to employ someone? (Illegal but it happens).It shouldn't but it does. How are the women who are mothers and have secured top jobs perceived? Are they portrayed in the media as good mothers - I would argue not, surely this is wrong. How many higher earning males have their parenting skills ridiculed in the same way or are they presented as doting family men.

I can see that my 'behaving like men' comment is inappropriate so I will withdraw it. Women are still discriminated against because they bear children.

How many mums on MN after having children went back to the same job, same hours, same wage. How many of the partners/husbands continued with exactly the same job etc when they became dads? I am asking this question because it would be good to know the answer.

I am still in the same job (university). Part-time but then it always was (not enough women realise their deep inner need for Latin ). Hours and wage mproved slightly after dd's birth but that was purely coincidental.

Dh also in same job.

Different job with different employer but a defintive move up the tree. Still full time.

A lot of women don't want to return to the rat race when they have had children, so I'm not convinced that the disparity is all about straight forward discrimination. Plenty of women who do want to, or need to, maintain the same or a higher level of income continue to workk perfectly successfully in their chosen careers.

You are going to have to ask every woman who has ever had a job and a child to get a representative sample though.

True - I can only answer from the 40plus friends/colleagues etc that I know - that only one returned after maternity leave to same job etc, many took redundancy, switched to part time or could not get the right deal for them so left.

It is telling that many more women than men decide not to return to the rat race after becoming parents. Is this a gender reason? or is it because in general a man's wage is higher. (Sorry more questions).

Actually this is probably too off tangent for Beautiful. My situation is based on mutual respect and in general being nice to one another, confident in that when either of us has had an awful day the other is there to help. This is just us, I would never apply something the way Beautiful has although threads like this do give a chance once in a while to value what you have and also question what you can do to keep things good.

Incidently men do also ask for help in forums when their partners are unhappy and a lot of the advice and support they receive from one another restores my faith in the male species. Maybe not that many differences after all.

Time to bow out.

Beautiful: after a day's thought wandering around in the pissing rain trying to work out the next chapter of my book while flogging newspaper subscriptions to bemused rural dwellers, I have had a sudden flash of inspiration and I suggest, nay demand, that you get yourself a copy ofthis book.
Then when you have read it you can come back and start a thread on 'Who fancies embracing their inner human being and handing their partner the hoover?'

Cory - I take issue with your synopsis of the OP's intent: "I tried it and it made me happy
I am a woman
Therefore this is the only way for a woman to be happy."

I realise it will bugger up your excellent argument to bring out the inner subjunctive in us all (sorry!) but I disagree that the OP was thinking that last bit - I think it more likely her logic went along the lines of:
it worked for me, it could work for you too, why not give it a try and compare notes?

but that might be me taking your post too seriously - dunno!

beautiful if you do come back to the thread can you email me - reallyreally1 at googlemail dot com?

I am actually interested in what you are doing and am not going to berate you for a feminism failure

There are vast difference between men and women. Read the book the Female Brain or just look about you. It is not just our conditioning. Even I am happy to say that as a very well paid career woman. I don't think it's inconsistent with feminism in a personal relationship with a man to choose how you will relate to each other in a manner that suits you but what we do need is that our children and employers see that women can indeed be doctors etc (The victorians used to think our brains meant we couldn't etc ) and those hard fought gains will al be lost if too many women wimp out from the work place and go home to bake cookies. That has nothing to do with how people treat each other at all. And the disloyalty, criticism and plain nastiness you see in some spouses of either gender is dreadful.

ReallyReally... Why? I'll tell you now, I'm not going to go on TV like those bloody surrendered wives.

[close-up on a heavyset woman in her 30's and an apron, on her knees in front of a man.]

SFX: heavy breathing

VOICE OVER: 'Beautiful calls herself a "Fascinating Wife."'

[breathing gets louder, there's a male "Oooh!" then a sharper, "Wipe that up!"]

B VOICE OVER: 'Yeah, I've been Fascinating my husband for almost 3 weeks now. So far he seems to like it best if I fascinate him in the kitchen, while his tea's cooking. I tried Fascinating him in the sitting room, but he said I was blocking the telly.'

etc, etc...

Thank you for the suggestions, but I'm not going to read WifeWork, or any other book that's going to put me into a bleak fury if I so much as pick up a Hoover. I have a hard enough time rousing myself to doing chores as it is.

Beautiful, you do make me larf - I love your last post about having a hard time doing the chores - and in the meantime exhorting us to take up Stepfording!
Perhaps a bit of the "Bette Midler's" (Stepford Wives 2004) would be an advantage for you then? (ouch!)

no sorry that did sound a bit stalkerish, I don't want to put you on the telly

I meant I want to find out more about it, but not on here with these people shouting at us

perhaps a little too seriously, thumbwitch

(But as for the subjunctives, you cannot be serious enough about those!)

Hi there Beautiful. Just curious to know how it's going. Are you still trying to follow the suggestions in the book and are you still finding it helpful in your marriage? Hope you aren't feeling too deflated after all the criticism you've had?

Actually, I was going to do an update...

It has WORKED. Like I said, I was away last week working. I also worked away two weeks before that, with a gap in-between -- during which I Stepforded.

The first time I got home from working away, there was nothing here for me. No flowers, nuthin.

This time, DH was all over me. There was a huge Pointsetta (sp?) here for me, my favourite raspberry trifles in the fridge, he was all over me, really lovely, etc etc.

He'd missed me "every minute of every day" and it was "so lovely to have me home".

I can't describe the difference.

Sorry, but that was just after 2 weeks of Fascination. I can't give it up -- it bloody works!

You go gal!

Also, last time I was away for a fortnight. This time it was only 7 days. You'd have thought he'd have been mushier after a 2-week separation than a 1-week one, wouldn't you?

I've thought sooo hard but there is no other reason why he would switch around and be so nice now. Six months ago we were talking about splitting up.