Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

Christ almighty.

LindenAvery on Fri 28-Nov-08 12:07:50
"Cory I never stated WHAT behaviour!"

Any behaviour. I just don't see behaviour as divided into definitely male and definitely female (apart from a few obvious ones such as lactating and giving birth- have to admit dh is crap at those).

The baby-proofing books sounds a lot more into equality/dividing jobs up/taking it in turns to sleep at night- I can deal with that.

I think we'd be better of saving our efforts for raising DSs who don't think it is their given right to treat women and wives as the lesser partner who must pander to their egotistical maleness simply because they only know how to be grouchy, tantruming farts if they don't.

Either you wrote this book OP, or you like pandering to grouchy up-one's-own-arsedness for an easier life??????????

I am grateful to this thread, though, because now I know what a dutch oven is...

Enthralled @ this thread, also feeling rather sick. Couldn't do this Stepford malarky even if i did agree with it, which i don't.

dsrplus8 --

That money conversation was a bit typical, yes. He's got a "thing" about not earning enough money, I think. Or maybe he's a power-crazed tiny despot who has a burning need to be in control of everything... I veer between the two opinions, really.

I've got a lovelylovely MIL and we've talked about these kinds of things before. She says he is just like his Dad and that she decided, after the first, stormy, year of their marriage, that she wouldn't argue with him unless it was about the kids. At the time I thought, God, DOORMAT! But now look at me!

I've heard of the babyproofing... book, and might invest. Thanks for the tip.

dsrplus8 --

That money conversation was a bit typical, yes. He's got a "thing" about not earning enough money, I think. Or maybe he's a power-crazed tiny despot who has a burning need to be in control of everything... I veer between the two opinions, really.

I've got a lovelylovely MIL and we've talked about these kinds of things before. She says he is just like his Dad and that she decided, after the first, stormy, year of their marriage, that she wouldn't argue with him unless it was about the kids. At the time I thought, God, DOORMAT! But now look at me!

I've heard of the babyproofing... book, and might invest. Thanks for the tip.

oops

Beautiful, don't you feel at all bad about adjusting your behaviour to suit someone else? Are you okay with continuing this trend for women to be subservient?

"Either you wrote this book OP, or you like pandering to grouchy up-one's-own-arsedness for an easier life??????????"

Well, I definitely didn't write it (it came out in the 60s). Maybe it's the second one, though.

I did feel more confident when I was doing it. For some reason, it made me feel more positive & like I knew what to do. Perhaps I was just embracing my inner codependent doormat?

That would be a good name for a book:

Embracing Your Codependent Inner Doormat - The Spineless Wife's Guide to Achieving Harmony in your Marriage through Advanced Arse-Licking and Dusting

Observing many friends' marriages I have sort of come to similar conclusions about how to achieve harmony in living alongside men, but I JUST cAN'T DO IT! Is it a good idea to?

Cory, the behaviours you mention are the whole crux of the matter.

Women bear children. And that fact is something the human race still hasn't come to terms with satisfactorily for all.

It's not that bad! The Valium helps. You get a coupon for a free bottle with the book.

A better book, imo, would be, 'How to Achieve the Impossible Task of Raising Boys Who Don't Need Such Mollycoddling Whilst Simultaneously Mollycoddling their Fathers in full View' or, 'Avoiding Valium whilst Arsewiping both your toddlers and Your Husband'

pmsl at "valium coupon free with book", you ARE funny beautiful!

.........are you sure your not Anthea Turner-perfect housewife????

Yes Linden, women bear children. They come equipped with uteruses and vaginas for the purpose. So what?

What they don't come equipped with, or at least I didn't, are integrated attachments for vacuum cleaners or specially heat retardant hands so that they can do all the cooking/cleaning and housework.

Or do you actually think that women have smaller feet so that they can stand closer to the sink?

Beautiful, you are a classic! I am in awe of your humour and now fully believe that you have found the title of your next book (or the one after the fiction that you are supposed to be doing next anyway)

lol at georgimama too

I would like to propose this for a mumsnet classic as well - anyone agree?

"What they don't come equipped with, or at least I didn't, are integrated attachments for vacuum cleaners" - WHAT?!! Have you seen a doctor about this? How have you been French-polishing your skirting boards all these years.

Beautiful, spectacular as this thread has been, I do think, given your MIL's conv, that this has deeper roots, and the Stepford thing will only compound the problem - if not for you, then for your daughters, or sons, or DILs.

thumbwitch , i vote for classic. -this thread has everything, its scary , funny, serious, historical, hysterical, down right mental at times and by god so bloody addictive. i may have different views on marriage and what makes a good one than op, but she has got guts to post it in the first place, doubly so when you take into consideration the roasting she got when we(read "i"). thought she was a troll....and she got a giggle out of it too!!!!!

LindenAvery on Fri 28-Nov-08 12:41:12
"Cory, the behaviours you mention are the whole crux of the matter.

Women bear children. And that fact is something the human race still hasn't come to terms with satisfactorily for all. "

I cannot improve on Georgimamma's response to this.

But may I just ask why my ability to bear children should get in the way of my longterm ability to hold down a job or speak to my partner as an equal?

Do you mean I should keep on constantly popping out children to the exclusion of all other activities? My dear, I am approaching the menopause; God willing I will still have another 40 years of life which cannot be occupied in this way.

Besides, even that wonderful and manly provider my dh might have been hard put to it to provide if I was to have had another baby every 9 months during our 25 year long relationship.

Roughly speaking I imagine being heavily pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding- the only three actitivies that Nature has definitely only equipped women to do - takes about 3 years about the average woman's life. Everything else can be shared with a man.

If you want to give any evidence of a causal relationship between ability to breastfeed and ability to hoover a carpet- please do so. I would also be interested in any reasoned argument for why ability to lactate should exclude an ability to understand high finance (does the milk spurt over the spreadsheets? But surely not after your dcs have reached puberty?).

Joining in the vote of thanks to the OP. Whatever else you may be, you are certainly what used to be known in my Grandfather's day as a good sport.

georgimama, I am NOT implying domestic chores and possessing a uterus go hand in hand although there are a lot of other people's opinions out there who suggest these attributes should be such and lets face it childbearing has been used throughout history as a reason for controlling and stereotyping women and also stereotyping men for that matter.(Laughing at attachments though!)

Dittany - I am not suggesting that women are necessarily behaving like men in order to succeed but certainly the perception is out there in the business world - I have witnessed it - there are still a lot of people implying that 'masculine' attributes such as Beautiful listed are desirable and 'feminine' attributes are not rather than treating individuals as such. A women still has to work harder to succeed in Business and having children can be seen as a weakness something which is never used to the same degree to question a man's suitability for a job.

Historically violent crime has always been carried out by males and still predominantly is, however the percentage of females commiting such crime is also on the rise. Why is this?

There are two genders so there are differences and as such allowances have to be made for example maternity rights - paternity rights are still no where near where they should be. Can you have such a true equality when it means different things to different people?

LindenAvery on Fri 28-Nov-08 15:21:30

"Historically violent crime has always been carried out by males and still predominantly is, however the percentage of females commiting such crime is also on the rise. Why is this?"

Ah, that might suggest that a crucial factor is that historically men haven't done enough of the caring jobs. If this is so, and men are still the main perpetrators of violence, then wouldn't the obvious thing be to try to get them more involved at home?

I query your use of "historically" though. I am a historian myself (well Latinist actually) working with the medieval and Early Modern period and I am not so sure that women did not commit violent crime at a similar (or probably higher) rate in those days. One thing that has changed is what we view as crime though. A scrap between two medieval fishwives probably wouldn't be registered as violent crime, nor would a woman beating her children or her servants (or an abbess flogging the nuns). In the Victorian period women were hanged for murder too.

Even within the last decade the way of reporting violent crime has changed. This makes comparison with any earlier period extremely difficult.