Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

In my experience it's usually the woman in any partnership that is more motivated to look after the home, but yes not always. I don't know any men that would be happy as a SAHD, but good for your friends Cory. My dh also very good at jam & chutney making and cooking generally.

Might Pat Allen be the M, do you think? That's crap. In some things I'm more skilled and better-informed than DH, and vice versa. We make decisions together. Sometimes they'll be things we both want, other times one of us will go along with the other.

I don't have to subjugate myself to DH to tell him he's gorgeous, to bake him a cake or take him coffee when he's working. He does exactly the same for me - all the more reason I think he's great!

In FW, she doesn't advise women to shag their husbands every time the man fancies some. She says, in her experience, wives who put out every time "are not the most worshipped or adored".

And (I loved this actually), if you have been chasing your DH round the house, desperate for him to boff you, and he doesn't want to, she says to use reverse psychology to reignite his desire. Specifically, go to bed in "old Mother Hubbard" nighties.

cory, could your DH knit me one of those? And then spill some jam on it (nothing too menstrual-coloured) to further help me look remote and sexually indifferent?

you just know that advice would work, though.

zulubump on Thu 27-Nov-08 22:16:01
"In my experience it's usually the woman in any partnership that is more motivated to look after the home, but yes not always. I don't know any men that would be happy as a SAHD, but good for your friends Cory."

In Sweden, it is the norm for both partners to take a turn at the (generous) parental leave. All my brothers have done so and have thoroughly enjoyed it.

In my own household, we are both of us motivated to go out and earn some money and then come home and look after the kids and do housework together. Makes us happy, so by Zulubump's logic this ought to prove that the sharing of domestic tasks is the right thing for women to do. Quod erat demonstrandum.

Most jam is pretty menstrual-looking! (You would know that if you were a proper wife.)

How did this thread get onto jam-smeared knitted nightie sex aids? Truly a classic.

I am afraid a nightie knitted by dh might be rather scratchy. You don't want to give hubby the idea you've got nits; that would surely be going to far down the sexually indifferent path (though no doubt he would wish you to stay as remote as possible).

BEAUTlFUL on Thu 27-Nov-08 22:07:06
"cory, can I ask - how old is your DH? Is he over 45?"

well, yes, he is, but he was knitting when he was in his twenties, so don't think it's a sign of him going senile

snowleopard, how very dare you - apricot jam isn't mentrual-looking, unless there is something very wrong with you!

Why can't couples take it in turns to be the M and F? i.e. in some areas, DW = F and DH = M, and in other areas, DW = M and DH = F.
Last weekend we managed this - DH had put a nail through the electric cable to my ceiling light whilst nailing down the loft flooring - he then had to correct this by finding the offending nail and removing it, while I looked after DS. (DH = M). THEN I had to fix the electricity cable because he doesn't like doing electrics, so he took DS and I got the tools and mended the cable (DW = M). Seems fair to me...

You must all have very sticky mooncups. S'all I'm saying.

"StickyMooncups" would be a fabulous MN nickname.

Is it not taken? (getting a bit bored with mine)

Calm down thumbwitch, I I did say most jam. I hope that was just "baby anger"

Apricot jam is shite anyway...

No seriously folks, this has got to stop! I can't cope with another day of stepfording. I have to clean the house. Some of us have domestic-queen jobs to be getting on with, you know.

(snowleopard, didn't you notice those tender hands beating against your hairy chest? that was the cue, thumbwitch is trying to manipulate you. She's only in it for the celestial love)

If something that looks like apricot jam ever leaks out of your fanjo, you may have a rather more serious problem than anxieties about your domestic role-assigning...

well I have been lurking on this thread and I have a lot to say that I can't be arsed to write out in full. but I agree with lots of you, and am fascinated, and am enjoying Beautiful's perkiness greatly

the money thing makes me a bit though. Is every conversation this hard in your house?

i declare my undying love for beautiful, she is an utter loon, but my god, a bloody funny one

I'd like DH to take his turn being the "mother" next time we decide to have a baby. I'll be "father" this time, looks more fun.

Ok I am backtracking on questioning the need for discussion. This is a great thread - although it does again tend to show the 'my way is best' mentality that sometimes exists on MN. Yes your way may be best for you, doesn't mean it is always best for everyone!

Interesting point, why in order for women to gain equality does it mean they think it equates with behaving like men? Surely it is to do with good qualities as a human being irrespective of gender?

And Beautiful my last post about deception and manipulation was a general comment about how FW could be perceived. People can alter behaviour but this is generally done as a result of responding to experiences and not merely changing something on a whim because the individual has not changed.

As for book recommendation well.........potentially check out Baby-proofing your marriage. Not for everyone but it does give advice from both sides, although written by 3 women their husbands are also involved - but this type of book will need your husband to also read it too.

I agree with ReallyReally actually. The money conversation does seem to suggest that there are areas where you feel a bit prickly around each other, Beautiful, and you are right to want to work on them.

(I was told yesterday that there is a chance of a new job for me which would mean me earning twice what I do now- dh was delighted and I have to admit I would have been very surprised and at any other reaction. More money for us all- what's not to like? Of course I wouldn't dream of spelling it out to him that I earn more per hour and am better qualified- but that's nothing to do with male/female relations, that's a simple thing known as tact)

I just think, leaving aside the whole feminist angle for a moment and humouring this book, that any book which all reduces relationships to one paradigm makes the world so small and uninteresting. That's the problem with most "self help" books. You sound bigger than that, Beautiful, if I may say so.
What do you write about?

"Reduces all"

LindenAvery on Fri 28-Nov-08 11:21:17

"Interesting point, why in order for women to gain equality does it mean they think it equates with behaving like men? Surely it is to do with good qualities as a human being irrespective of gender?"

Well, my problem with this is that I am not convinced that working outside the home equates with "behaving like a man" or that doing domestic jobs equates with behaving like a woman.

Women in my family have always worked outside the domestic circle in some way (if you are running a small rural farmstead in a poverty stricken area, everybody has to help in the fields), men in my family have been involved in child care for severa generations. Both my grandmothers worked from time to time after marriage. My Dad cooked everyday meals and certainly did his fair share of nappy changes. Same with my ILs; they took it in turns to work outside and to look after the family. My brothers all seem to have a natural talent for domesticity.

So I genuinely wouldn't know where to start if I had to sort mine and dh's behaviour into "behaving like men" and "behaving like women".

We see it as jobs to be done- and we enjoy working together.

CALLING ALL THREAD KILLERS,CALLING ALL THREAD KILLERS, EMERGANCY CODE RED!

"Well, my problem with this is that I am not convinced that working outside the home equates with "behaving like a man" or that doing domestic jobs equates with behaving like a woman."

Well exactly! That false assumption seems to underlie most of this.

Cory I never stated WHAT behaviour! Interesting what you have posted.