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Original poster

Does anyone fancy going a bit Stepford with me?

623 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 24/11/2008 22:32

I regret that title now! but will carry on regardless...

Basically, I have recently read a marriage book called "Fascinating Womanhood" by helen Andelin, written in the 1960's, and am starting to practise it in my marriage. It involves a lot of work, but good work, IYKWIM, accepting DH, admiring him, appreciating his efforts, listening to him, being a "domestic goddess", taking over childcare completely, settling him with a drink when he comes home, etc.

I'm LOVING it and actually weirdly feel a lot happier and more confident since I started it! I know it's not going to be popular with many of you, but is there anyone out there who fancies trying it out?

We could do it like a sort of bookclub, and follow the assignments every week. It promises to make your DH absolutely gaga in love again, v attentive, romantic, etc.

But more than that, it really teaches you acceptance, so if they're not being perfect, it really doesn't get to you as much. Or at all.

I know it'll get scoffed at, but I don't care really!

Anyone? It's hard work, but I'm convinced it's worth it as after just 3 weeks, DH and I feel so much closer, he is saying ILY all the time, we are laughing again, holding hands in bed, etc.

Even my mum has noticed. We went there for lunch and afterwards Mum rang up and said, "What's with you two? Your DH looks so happy and confident, and your body-language together was so 'united'!"

OP posts:
georgimama · 27/11/2008 20:32

The mere presence of the "baby anger" stuff is enough to make me think it entirely reasonable to ignore every other word she says. It is nauseating.

OrmIrian · 27/11/2008 20:33

Agree solidgoldbrass - which is why I said that sometimes it's time to call it a day. I don't think that being prepared to compromise in order to make things better for both of you is neceessarily ruining your life. However I do think that sometimes people do beleive in the fundamental importance of coupledom so strongly that they can't let it go - inspite of experience to the contrary

zulubump · 27/11/2008 21:09

I've just found this thread and have had a quick read through with interest. Find it really interesting this whole thing about male and female roles in relationships. I've been brought up in the era of independent women forging their own way etc. But I have to say i think what Beautiful is saying makes a lot of sense. I've been a SAHM for just over a year now and have to say I've got more satisfaction out of managing to get the house looking nice, my dd in a good mood and a hot meal ready for when dh gets home than I have out of any of the jobs I've had. Can see dh really appreciates coming home to a nice house, happy wife and dd etc. Life just feels more peaceful this way and it just feels right somehow. Felt like it was what I was meant to be doing all along but all this stuff about how women must be independent, have careers, earn as much as men etc, just got in the way. Don't think this is something you can argue about with logic perhaps.

georgimama · 27/11/2008 21:17

Hmm how nice for you Zulu. Did it hurt when your frontal lobe was removed?

cory · 27/11/2008 21:18

And I too agree with Solidgoldbrass and OrmIrian- there is no reason to hang on to a relationship that is damaging.

Zulubump: I know several men who are SAHDs and do it very well, getting a lot of satisfaction out of it. So why does it have to be all about women?

Habbibu · 27/11/2008 21:22

Exactly, cory. It's perfectly reasonable for you to like the role you've moved into, just as it's perfectly reasonable for a woman to itch to do a job outside the home - it's the forced gender presumptions of these books that are so insidious and repellent.

And while women are still discriminated against and paid less for equal work - well, let's just say that I will be pushing the independent woman line at my daughter - she can make her own choices, but I want her to know she bloody well has some.

georgimama · 27/11/2008 21:26

OK, so if it isn't something you can argue with logic (nice attempt to side step reasoned discussion there), how about:

wibble
fishbait
chum
gobbbledytinkywinkygoop
codswallop

There, you can't argue with that.

dittany · 27/11/2008 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 21:37

georgimama! The only one who's allowed to be bullied on this thread is me (cos I've got ginger hair so I'm used to it).

Zulubump YES! That's the weird thing, it DOES feel nice to be a wonderwoman at home! See, you frenzied feminists, SEE?! This is what I was trying to say it goes beyond words.

Oh, I wish you could all forget the worst woman-hating bits of the bloody book and just try out the other bits for a week, just to see if you feel happy too. That's all I wanted, a light-hearted Stepford-and-Tell thread, not the accidental subjugation of the entire MN membership.

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 21:40

I thought it would be a lovely uplifting read. "I told my DH he looked like Daniel Craig, but bigger, and he swung me round and snogged me for 45 minutes."

"Well, I did baked Alaska in the shape of my DH's face, and he kissed my feet and called me his most-precious angel poppet. then he shagged me while I wiped down the skirting boards." etc

OP posts:
georgimama · 27/11/2008 21:40

I'm really not bullying anyone, truly, I think there is something simultaneously deeply arrogant and breath takingly naive about proclaiming that washing husband's socks is the secret meaning of life and you're so glad to have discovered it. Husband is happier to come home and find biddable child, compliant wife and hot meal waiting? Well whoop-di-fucking-do, who wouldn't be?

georgimama · 27/11/2008 21:42

No, can't weed out the woman hating parts, actually, that's like saying Stalin was OK apart from the salt mines.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 21:42

"I made chutney at dawn, then reorganised the tins in the pantry so the first name of all the foods spelt out D-A-D-D-Y I-S T-H-E B-E-S-T. DH was so pleased, he let me watch 15 minutes' television!"

OP posts:
georgimama · 27/11/2008 21:45

See, truly, I would run away quite fast in your DH's shoes if I came home to find the tinned food cupboard had been thus arranged (although actually, he isn't going to see because cooking is your job), beautiful dear, you sound utterly deranged. But you have made me laugh out loud.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 21:45

"Well, my DH said, if I finish licking the car clean by noon tomorrow, he'll let me have some of my clothes back."

"That's great!"

"Another FW success! Hoor -- oops, got to go, he's wanting another cuppa so I have to go down to the well."

OP posts:
cory · 27/11/2008 21:48

My SAHD friends tell me it feels very nice to be wonderman at home!

Not to mention all the couples I know who feel it adds an extra dimension to be sharing the housework and pulling together as a team. (we're one of them)

Does their experience count for nothing? Is it only your feelings of happiness that prove anything? Not mine? Not my SAHD db's?

zulubump · 27/11/2008 21:49

But why does everyone get so defensive at the idea of women getting all feminine and wanting to look after their hubbies and homes? Used to be that women weren't allowed to go out and get careers and were derided for doing so. Now we deride each other for wanting to stay at home and look after the house. Seems like a choice to have pride in doing either would be best and to know you are doing what you've chosen because you really want to, not because of social pressure.

I know so many couples who both work hard outside the home and their home life is such a choatic rush. I think a lot of people just assume this is the only way of living.

And no the frontal lobe removal was quite pain-free thanks (wibble)

thumbwitch · 27/11/2008 21:51

actually cory has made a very good point indeed - WHY is this seen as a woman's province? I know a really nice bloke (currently single) who would make someone a lovely "wife" - he is all those things, kind, likes a tidy and clean house, likes a peaceful life, looks after his feckless brothers in their shared flat, cooks and cleans for them. He would be a great SAHD whenever he finds the right woman.

Perhaps that is the biggest problem with this book - that it is aimed ONLY at women.

zulubump · 27/11/2008 21:54

Yes, great Beautiful! "Cooked him a three course meal and then he took me from behind while I finished the washing up and made the coffee (without spilling a drop!)." Another successful FW evening.

zulubump · 27/11/2008 21:55

However, this is no good. Sitting on MN while dh is out when I could be ironing his shirts!

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 22:00

lolol zulu!

OP posts:
cory · 27/11/2008 22:01

zulubump on Thu 27-Nov-08 21:49:26
"But why does everyone get so defensive at the idea of women getting all feminine and wanting to look after their hubbies and homes? Used to be that women weren't allowed to go out and get careers and were derided for doing so. Now we deride each other for wanting to stay at home and look after the house. Seems like a choice to have pride in doing either would be best and to know you are doing what you've chosen because you really want to, not because of social pressure."

But why, why, why aren't blokes offered this opportunity of staying at home and finding satisfaction. The book doesn't mention the happiness a working woman would find in coming home to a nice house carefully kept by her loving husband. Why not?

As it so happens, my dh is much better than me at skills such as knitting and sewing and jam-making. Also very good with the kids. But the book tells me I have to admire his Manly Qualities- and it doesn't even list knitting!

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 22:02

Well, I hope you are all happy. I am now rudderless in my marriage - rudderless, I tell you - and will have to rely on my own judgement and instincts to navigate every minute of my marriage.

Or come here and ask your advice on everything, of course. Yes, that could work.

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 27/11/2008 22:07

cory, can I ask - how old is your DH? Is he over 45?

Anyway, FW isn't the only book I have that goes into depth about masculine & feminine partners in marriage. in Getting To I Do, by Dr Pat Allen, she says that there should be a M and a F in every marriage, but the woman could be the M, and the man could be the F.

You just can't try to be both, she says. You can change over, but only be one at a time.

According to her, the M partner is the "respected leader", respected for their ideas. The F is the "cherished follower" whose feelings the M must take into account when they make decisions.

F people say "I feel...", M people say "I think..."

It doesn't involve housework, this one.

OP posts:
cory · 27/11/2008 22:08

zulubump on Thu 27-Nov-08 21:54:03
"Yes, great Beautiful! "Cooked him a three course meal and then he took me from behind while I finished the washing up and made the coffee (without spilling a drop!)." Another successful FW evening."

pmsl

This thread is one of the best ever