Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

@Bluebeanbag

Have now had another message telling me how much he misses and loves us and that we are his world. I feel like messaging back and saying, 'well you should have realised that before you behaved like such a dick'.

I wouldn't grace him with an answer. Save your energy, OP. 🌹

Agreed - @Bluebeanbag this is the only way you can deal with him where he cannot further guilt trip you.
his actions speak volumes now- bet he never text you just to chat when you were with him!!

Well done, OP.

I highly recommend that you try as much as you can not to muse on what he's thinking or what his motivations are. It's totally irrelevant now. When it mattered, he treated you like shit. That's done and it can't be undone.

It still matters now and what is he doing? Manipulation, drama, raising the stakes, high emotion, blackmail, pity parties etc. If he cared about your opinion, he wouldn't be trying everything he can to railroad over it in order to get his own way.

I promise you that you will feel a million times better and clear headed when you get out of this situation. You're taking back control, which means taking back your power, your autonomy, your ability to be confident in your decisions, your self esteem - you're getting YOU back.

Think about what you want, where you want to be in five years. What are your dreams?

I binned a guy off like this. I decided it was the last time I was ever going to be sitting in the bathroom with the door locked sobbing and listening to him charging around yelling about what an ungrateful crazy piece of shit I was.

My favourite thing was doing a Kevin from Home Alone. The bit when he eats all the ice cream and shouts you better come out and stop me. I'd do something I was never allowed to do and I'd call into the empty house hey I'm doing this has anyone got a problem with it?

That silence was genuine bliss.

@Bluebeanbag you could always make good use of the 👍🏻 emoji

@goody2shooz your comment really made me laugh 😅

He's been at it again today. Texting me to say he can't get any work (he's self-employed) and that we need to talk about money. Then he messaged hours later to apologise for texting me. Then again tonight asking me to say goodnight to the boys again.

I feel sick with anxiety tonight. I just need things to be settled. I need to move forward with all of this but he is putting the brakes on.

Yep not giving you any space or peace another tactic to keep you constantly thinking about him rather you and the DC and your needs.

@Bluebeanbag My STBX did this from when I left - numerous texts all day and night...sending me pictures of the house......telling me what he was eating......telling me he might get fired... I constantly had a knot in my stomach and could not relax. I am now nearly 7 months separated and it has calmed down drastically

You could block him in your phone and what's app.

Tell him to email (only check once every few days) he will phone you or DC in an emergency anyway.

It's been quiet so far today. I ignored all his messages yesterday bar one so perhaps the message is sinking in....🤞🏼

Or archive his messages and read them at a time to suit YOU.

I've stte but have been following to some extent. I'm sure this has been said before but you need to;
Set clear boundaries around contact, children related issues only
Set clear days/times for access to kids
Set clear expectations around money
Do not get sucked into any sob stories, threats, drunken abusive messages, begging, pleading, blaming you, etc.

He's going through a rollercoaster of emotions and you need to GET OFF!

All this WILL settle down. It's a process, take a step back and observe his behaviour for what it is - clutching at straws!

I'm 7 months down the line and no further forward in terms of asset splitting etc. I wanted it all done quick etc but now I've taken control of the situation a bit, I'm just going to bide my time until it's right for me to make a move. It's NORMAL for it to feel fucked up just now. Concentrate on yourself. There's a TED talk called 'How to mend a broken heart' that really helped me in the early days, worth a watch. The Calm app was a life saver too. Look after yourself and the rest will fall into place 💐

@goody2shooz good idea. I've been jumping every time my phone goes off in case it's him.

@Terrariatime thank you for the suggestions. I was thinking about the Calm app. I had a really bad morning yesterday. The DC were staying overnight at his mum's (who also doesn't know yet) and because I was alone in the house and didn't have them to focus on, I just fell apart. It was the first time I cried about any of this. It's all so huge and overwhelming.

Hi there everyone. Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice please? I’ve been with my partner for 20 years, have a 18 year old son, living together but never got married. He took the mortgage out in both names, which has been paid off and my name is on the Deeds. I didn’t contribute because I couldn’t afford it, been a stay at home mum but had a school job what fit in with the family. Partner said keep it because it’s my spending money and can but things for me and my son. We had a huge argument the other night saying, he was saying nasty things about me and telling me he wants me to leave the house and my son. I’m so desperate on knowing where I stand legally? Can anyone out the help me please? Thanks 🙏

Hi @pollyanna1 - you would probably be best to start your own thread. I'm sure lots of people will be able to give you advice.

So this could be a long night. I am trying to make arrangements for him to come back tomorrow so that we can tell the DC before we go away for a few days. I have had no contact either him for a couple of days but as soon as I text him tonight he started desperately begging, saying he can't do it, that he looks like shit and keeps crying.

Stay strong @Bluebeanbag

Try to remember that feeling sorry for someone is not a good reason to stay with them. It is painful, but ripping off the plaster is easier in the long run. Marriage break up is a very sad thing, of course you'll cry and be upset. Just because it's sad it doesn't mean it's wrong.

I'll never forget the morning after I said I'd give our marriage another try. I felt totally empty and knew it was a mistake. It took me another year to finally admit to myself and him that it was over. I lived a lie for that year, quietly dying inside and cringing when he touched me.

I so wish I had toughed it out the first time, it would have saved us all a very miserable and stressful year.

Just tell him if he doesn't come tomorrow at x time you will tell the DC on your own.

@RandomMess I have just messaged saying that he has an opportunity to be a role model for his children in this situation and that they need to hear it from both of us. I will see what his response is but if he still refuses I will say exactly that.

@Dreamingofsheep the thought of agreeing to try again actually makes me shudder now. Despite trying to prove the opposite, all he has done over the past couple of weeks is confirm through his continued manipulation that a) he can't change and b) he doesn't even know what he is doing!

The way the messages have been going, I'm starting to wonder whether I might be best off doing it on my own. He says he is going to tell them that he loves us all and he doesn't want to go. I said he is not thinking about the children by saying that, all he is doing is making sure they know it's mummy's fault and that he is the victim. He then said he would never say it was my fault but he needs them to know he didn't want to leave. He says he IS thinking of them because they wouldn't want to see their daddy so upset. I told him he needs to act like an adult and pull himself together to support his children.

You have the best interests of your DC at heart. He cares about himself. Think about how best to deliver the news to DC and what sort of support they need from you. You can be the adult. You cannot control how DP will act, but i'm guessing it will be about how hurt he is and how much it's all your fault. I can't imagine he will give your DC's feelings a look in. Prioritise DC and you as this is what is important and what you can control.

I'm really worried that he's going to paint such an awful picture of me that they will end up hating me.

As pp have said, you are showing you have the dc at the forefront of your thoughts but he continues to be a very selfish creature who thinks only of himself. Perhaps it would be best if you told the dc yourself, sooner rather than later as you cannot trust/rely on him to do so ‘properly’ with you. Do what’s best for you and the children and don’t consider him so much. He’ll do more than enough thinking about him!

There will no bounty be things said about you to your DC, and everyone else for that matter. But people are not daft, least of all kids. Be clear, true and succinct in your short consistent narrative about the reason you give them and stick to it. Refer to that of the kids ask any questions and don't deviate or retaliate. They'll see themselves that you are the stable parent and will gravitate to you.

He's right to let them know he's not leaving 'them', this is about you and him, but he needs to do it in a way that's neutral and with a view to how he maintains a relationship with them. If he can't do that you need to do it yourself. I must admit that's the point and crumbled and went back the first time we separated. Don't make that mistake as it's the worst decision I made in a while! Good luck!