Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

• there will no doubt

My xH agreed that we would tell our DCs together and just say that things hadn't been good between us for a while and we had decided to split up.

We started talking to them and he did the opposite, telling them it was all my idea and about how sad he was. I sat there quietly, not wanting to lower myself to his level and start blaming but absoluteley seething.

It was all fine in the end though, they knew a lot more about his behaviour towards me than I had thought and could see he was feeling sorry for himself and was trying to manipulate them.

My DCs love their dad and still see him but know what he is and fully support me in my decision to leave. They see that I am so much happier now and they are happy for me.

Thanks for all your comments everyone. In the end after a lot more game playing we met at a park on the way to our camping destination and told the kids there. H left me to do all the talking and was just crying. At one point he got up and walked away leaving me to gather both DC, who were crying, in my arms. The rest of the journey to the campsite was very quiet and tearful but as we started to reach familiar roads they perked up. A box of doughnuts did the rest of the job and by the time we got here they were pretty much OK.

I think I will have more tears at bedtime from DC2 when he stops playing and starts thinking again but for now we're good.

Typical of this man. Me me meeee, can’t be a decent adult long enough to tell them.
No doubt there will be more tears and questions from the dc, all you can do is answer them honestly and appropriate to their age.

How are you feeling after telling the kids OP? That must have been very difficult 💐

You have done incredibly well - congratulations for getting to this point of strength (which I bet you didn’t think you had in you!!)
I hope your camping trip goes well - just re-read this thread if you feel a wobble coming on ♥️

Aw well done! Very well done. ❤️❤️ I hope your trip away gives you space for lots of chats with your DC and can help them to relax and process it all. You've done super well. Xxx

@HereComesBaby2 I'm feeling a real mixture of things. Horrendous guilt for having caused them this pain, but underlying that, is a sense of relief that I don't have to pretend to them everything is OK. When I got here I threw myself on my friend and just sobbed in her arms. I feel like I've held so much in for so long and at that moment it was like a tidal wave I couldn't stop.

@Honestbluebell no, I really didn't think I would get to this point of strength. I don't think of myself as a strong person, I just do whatever needs to be done and I often feel consumed by fear and weakness, but I have had so many people telling me I am strong recently, that I am starting to actually believe it, even though I might not feel it.

I've had a few questions from DS2 (will we ever see daddy again? 😢), but it's DS1 I worry about. He is a closed book who rarely shares his feelings anyway. I keep asking if he is OK and he just shrugs and says yes. He is very similar to me and I know he would rather not say anything than risk upsetting me.

Just posting as a hand hold and so I can bookmark this as I'm on the cusp of doing all this myself and could use the advice you've been getting on here. Haven't got to the end of the posts yet, lots of reading. Hope you're OK Op. You're making me feel brave!

My counsellor said that you can't always stop difficult things happening to your children, but you can love them, support them and demonstrate that you can get through difficult times and in turn this will help them when they have to face challenges.

@littlerayofsunshine0 thank you for the hand hold. I hope you feel brave enough soon. I never thought I would be brave enough. When I think back 3 months, my head was in a completely different place and I can't believe how quickly things have changed.

@Sexdoesmatter you're right. I can't believe how resilient they are being. A friend suggested starting a communication notebook with the DC's so that if there is anything they can't say directly, they can write it down. I thought this was a really good idea, particularly for DS1 who seems reluctant to communicate.

Ah, good to catch up.. we are camping and don't plan to go back. The penny has dropped with my stbxh and it's going to be a bumpy ride for me and the dc. Reading through your updates has given me strength 🙌 hope you guys are Ok. I'm really worried about that very final conversation with the children, you seem to have handled it well which is great. There no going back for me, we need out, he won't leave so I have to.. and then fight. I feel forced into a corner but having driven 400+ miles and tenting as a single mother right now anything is possible right ? Keep going my lovely!

Oh @Bluebeanbag you are so strong. Well done. I really hope I can get to where you are very soon. Not the camping, I mean, the other stuff!! We're going to DH's sister's birthday party at the weekend, all the families are getting together for the first time in three years, which I felt I had to be part of, but I refuse to pretend in front of them all. I know he'll want to put an act on, but I won't. All I want from all of this is for the relationship between me and my boys not to change. I will do it, and if I ever feel wobbly, I'll come back to this thread for strength. I'm really proud of you OP x

You’ve done fantastically 💕

@biggirlpantson thank you. It sounds like you have taken those first few steps as well. I'm glad this thread can help you. We are all OK. I'm trying not to think to far in the future and just taking each day as it comes at the moment. The DC are OK but I'm a bit worried about how they will feel when we head home and back to reality. I'm trying to plan plenty of trips to visit friends for the summer holidays so that we are all kept occupied.

You're right, the final conversation was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but now it's done and we are on the other side, it is honestly like ripping the plaster off. I feel as though we are into healing stages now and although there is a lot more to think about than I had imagined (in terms of what they need and the range of emotions they may feel) I'm in a relatively good place at the moment and I think I can cope with whatever comes.

@19Bears you can do it! If I can, you can too. As far as the relationship with the DC goes, I actually feel as though this will all bring us closer in time. One realisation which spurred me on to take action was the fact that I feel like my boys don't really know the real me. I haven't been able to be myself at home for a very long time.

That is so true @Bluebeanbag I feel as if I am hiding the real me when DH is around. He stifles me. But as soon as it's just me and the boys, even if we're in another part of the house from DH, I'm me again. He's away for a couple of days from early tomorrow, and I can't wait. I'd love to be me all the time!

Exactly. We do this camping trip every year and he has never come with us due to health reasons and it's the one time each year when I feel like I can really relax with the DC and be myself.

So just a quick update. We are back home following our camping trip. I didn't want to come back and the knot of anxiety really set in again yesterday evening. When we arrived home DS2 became quite tearful again and we had a long cuddle on the sofa while he sobbed. I suggested the communication book which he said he would like to try. DS1 has appeared to be fine but is escaping the situation through online gaming now.

I spoke to DSD2 for the first time since all of this began this afternoon. She and I have always been really close and it was such a relief to talk to her finally. I had felt like I didn't want to put her in the middle of it all but she has taken everything in her stride and is reaching out to her brothers to support them (she is truly an amazing human being). H is still staying on her sofa currently and she said that he is just moping around the house all day crying. She is cooking meals for him (all whilst dealing with her own 3 month old) which he then refuses to eat because he feels too sick and anxious. She also said he has cancelled two shifts at work because he 'isn't up to it'.

The DC and I are away again this weekend visiting a friend (trying to keep the DC busy) so I suggested to H that he might come back to the house while we are away to give DSD2 a bit of a break. He said he can't stand to be in the house if I'm not there! He eventually agreed to ask DSD1 if he could sleep on her sofa instead.

I feel as though my plans for next week needs to involve speaking to an estate agent because housing is becoming the next most pressing issue. He is trying to play the financial card against me again now as well. He text me earlier saying that we need to talk about money and since he is not getting any shifts can we split the mortgage payments as he is running out of cash.

🙄

So the games continue.

Push ahead if the divorce

TBH you are still engaging with him - asking him to stay at the house, asking him to give DSD2 a break so his game plan is working.

Your head is being filled by him and what he is or isn't doing.

Have you put in a claim to Universal Credit as a single parent?

You need legal advice very fast before he defaults on the mortgage.

@RandomMess no I haven't put in for UC. I will do that today. Thanks for the reminder (I have no idea about what I can/can't claim for).

You are right, I am still engaging with him, but to a certain extent I feel I have to for the sake of the DC. I feel terrible that DSD2 is having to cope with all his nonsense too.

Your DSD are adults. You can tell them that you are very sad that he is pulling them into his game playing and trying every trick in the book to get you to change your mind. Look up the drama triangle.

Focus on you and the boys, only reason to engage with your ex is over contact by email and for divorce a gain by email until you move onto solicitors letters.

OP,
Have just read this thread again.

Please listen to @RandomMess excellent advice.

He is utterly consumed by himself.

He cares not a whit for anyone but himself.

He will try a mess you around financially and bring the whole house down just to drag you with him.

Please stop trying to fix and organise his life.

Focus on the legalities of protecting yourself and home.

Get it on the market and contact your solicitor and bank as to his intention to default deliberately on morgage payments.

More abusive behaviour.

One thing to warn you about is to NOT take ANY responsibility for his relationship with his children.

Do not be sucked into feeling you have to parent him and them.

You need to make it completely clear to him that how he behaves, and his relationship with his children are his responsibility.

If he wants to make things harder with the house, it will be ALL on him.

He is a very bad person.
He deserves everything coming to him.

You sound like a wonderful woman and mother.

Your life is going to be so much better soon.