Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Thank you @JustForThisThread13 I never thought of myself as an ass kicker 😁

I think I have a plan for telling the DC. we go away camping on Saturday. I will invite him over in the morning, we can tell them and then leave for camping. That way he doesn't have to walk out and neither do I. We also have the car journey to talk.

I've just found this thread and some of it resonates so much with me because I did this 15 years ago.
The tears, the nausea the declaration of love. The begging for other chances. If only I had told him at the time he would have changed (I did, he didn't). I had completely fallen out of love with him and I just couldn't go back. I saw all the subtle manipulation and gaslighting quite clearly - but still sometimes doubted myself when he cried and made noises like a wounded animal on our bedroom floor. The bedroom he moved out of, but kept finding excuses to come into. All so, so familiar.
I stayed with friends for a few days to give us both space, and came back to him unkempt and in filthy and badly fitting clothes. Also hunched over and shuffling as if every bone in his body hurt. It gave me the rage, it was such a pathetically obvious manipulation tactic. But I still felt bad, because I knew I must be hurting him - especially because of DC.
I endured weeks of this behaviour from him. I only didn't go back because I knew I didn't love him anymore and it was the love that gave me the capacity to keep going.
Then one weekend he went out, stayed with friends and when he got back he was different. Like someone had flipped a switch. I thought his friends must have talked some sense into him. 4 days later he announces he is seeing someone new. And just like that my apparent 'soul mate' had replaced me.

Keep going. You will find it hard to separate any real emotions/behaviours he expresses from ones designed to manipulate you. You are not responsible for any hurt he claims to feel. Keep checking in with your friends and support network who will keep you on track. Be dignified. (so many times I wanted to cut his clothes up or break his beloved hobby...I never did and walked away with my integrity intact)

You are handling this very well for your children, it's a shame your dh can't say the same

@queenrollo I have been quite hung up about trying to figure out how much is genuine and how much is exaggerated or pure manipulation but I think you're right - it's impossible to separate and in actual fact, it doesn't really matter any more.

Crazy how many of us have similar experiences. Reading someone else's experience was the catalyst for me. It was a complete light bulb moment.

@HereComesBaby2 thank you 😊

well done!! Amazing

Maybe he is not capable of loving someone properly - he can say the words but does not understand the actual concept.
I have always felt this to be true. I have said to him many times that I feel as though he loves the idea of me which he has constructed in his own mind but not actual me IYSWIM.

I feel exactly the same about my 'd'h @Bluebeanbag I could have been anyone, as long as I agreed to be his wife/mother. In fact, I remember the night we met, he had gone after someone else first, got turned down, then came to me. And on more than one occasion down the line when I asked him what I was wearing the night we met, he described the other woman's clothes! All the way through our marriage, I have felt invisible as a woman, never desired by him, and that he's just happy to have someone run the house. That's it. I've never felt love from him, and I don't think he knows what it is. I totally understand how you feel. And having been following your thread from the start, I want to tell you how proud you should be of yourself for getting this far. Keep going!!!

I've just read the whole thread again @Bluebeanbag and am seriously going to cut and paste so much of what you've said and keep it in a document somewhere, because a hell of a lot is word for word what is happening with me. Mostly the gaslighting stuff. It's horrific to see it in someone else's experience and recognise it so clearly myself. I'm so sorry he's put you through this. Both you and I need to stop accepting this and show our children this is not how life should be. As I said before, keep going! x

@19Bears thank you and I hope my experiences can help you. I was exactly where you are now at the beginning of June when I read the thread with jamaisjedors. Her experience was what kicked it all off for me and finally opened my eyes.

It's horrific to see it in someone else's experience and recognise it so clearly myself - this feeling was exactly what jolted me into action and gave rise to the realisation that I couldn't carry on any more.

I would recommend giving her threads a read. She is an incredible woman. I'll post the link again (now I know how to do it 😄)

Jamaisjedors

@19Bears c’mon - you’ve posted about your ‘d’h and been given so much great support and advice too, don’t keep waiting and hoping for a miracle. You know he won’t suddenly turn into your dream man after 20 years of crap. You’ve seen the lawyer, now what?

Just sat and read your entire thread.

wow, just wow! You are amazing. You may not think that, you may feel weakened at times, but you have been amazing. And such a great role model for your dc.

I'm reading with interest as I’ve thought for a few years how About my marriage ending. How I could escape the narcissist/gas lighter.

The last month he had behaved stupendously badly. He has thrown back at me everything I’ve ever given emotionally. He’s laughing at the fact I want to have a career after being a sahm. I made plans for my career, found a course etc and was so excited. He just stood and laughed!

Trouble is he’s taken every part of my strength. But along with that he’s taken my love for him. I’m so so sad as I truly wanted it to work but I now realise he won’t change, because he won’t take responsibility or ownership. Life is one huge deflection.

im watching your thread with interest, and hope. Hope that I too can be as brave as you one day soon

I just wanted to tell you the relief I felt that day when I walked over the threshold of a home for my daughter and I. The peace and relief I felt 12 years ago still resonates today.

There is not a single day when I regret it.

@Stormchaser1502 thank you 😊

I felt the same as you, completely drained of all my strength, but in the end something snapped in me and the scales shifted. Once I took the first terrifying steps, I found that the momentum of what I am doing started carrying me forward and giving me strength.

The other thing I absolutely wholeheartedly couldn't manage without is the support of people around me and this thread. My close friends have known what a struggle I have had for years in this relationship and nobody was surprised to hear that I had finally decided to leave him. I deliberately told particular people in advance of breaking the news to him as well as starting this thread and it was the wisest thing I've done so far. Getting my emotional ducks in a row has been hugely important in enabling me to carry on when I feel like giving up.

@jeaux90 I sort feel an inkling of that in the relief that it's all out in the open now and I've said it. So glad it worked out for you 😊

So how do I handle today's new tactic lovely people? He has started texting me just to 'chat'. Just being nice, asking about my day in this heat etc etc. I know it's game playing and trying to get me back onside but I have been replying to his messages, albeit with minimal responses. I don't want to reply at all but he's being so 'reasonable' and non-pressuring that I don't feel justified in telling him to leave me alone.

You just ignore it tbh

"I am only going to reply regarding arrangements for the DC or divorcing/moving out"

Have you suggested to him yet about telling the children on Saturday together? How has he taken that? If you haven't yet, and he's being amenable and lovely, maybe reply with "aaaah I'm glad you messaged, I've been planning when we can tell the children about our separation, I'm proposing x on y".

it's really hard to just ignore someone who you are going to have to live with for a little while. I'd leave gaps between messaging, be very bland. "Busy today, no time to chat" "busy thanks" "warm today". Don't ask anything back. Polite but close it off.

I agree with previous posters, you need to keep all communication about the children and plan your next steps together of how you're going to tell them. Unfortunately I doubt his nice guy act will last very long after it's all out in the open

@JustForThisThread13 that's what I was thinking. I have responded just as you describe so far. I did speak to him yesterday about the proposal to tell the kids on Saturday. He was non-committal but didn't say no. I think he will probably agree as it's the best opportunity.

Been having another day of feeling like 'what the hell am I doing?' I'm not doubting my decision as such, but it's hard to believe it's actually happening after all this time together and it feels weird today, particularly as he has been chatting to me so normally on text.

He's just messaged again to ask me to say goodnight to the DC for him and that he's really missing all of us. I preferred the radio silence of last week. He knows how to get to me 😥

Look up the cycle of abuse he's in the guilt tripping phase, Mr Nasty will return soon enough.

He can text the eldest DC directly and presumably the youngest has access to a family iPad or similar? It wasn't for their benefit but to get to you.

@RandomMess wow, of course! I hadn't thought of it like that. Despite my newfound insight into his behaviour he can still get away with his tricks.

Have now had another message telling me how much he misses and loves us and that we are his world. I feel like messaging back and saying, 'well you should have realised that before you behaved like such a dick'.