Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Be careful, this is likely to be another tactic on his part. Remind yourself of all the things you don't like about the relationship. Write them down, when you have moments of doubt read them again.

I've just been reading through this and thinking 'wow, this lass has some steel'. As hard as it is for you, in every interaction with him you've stuck to your guns.

Wobbles in-between are totally normal - what you're doing is enormous! But at the same time, every day is one step closer to a new life, one without the constant seesaw dictated by his moods. It's likely that yes he is devastated but everything you've told us says that he's only devastated for himself 'the victim' and not because of the grievous way he has treated you.

Dawn is coming and there will come a time when you'll be able to breathe and feel joy again.

@goody2shooz

'if you can change from being an angry, manipulative, rude, unpleasant specimen NOW that just means he chose to behave that way.'

That's a good point. I have been looking at it from the wrong direction I think. This morning I was thinking that the reason he is now saying he is able to change, is because I have never taken it this far before, but actually what I have done is not relevant. The fact is, as you say, that this has been pointed out to him frequently in the past but he has never sustained any changes.

@biggirlpantson I've been keeping notes of his current behaviour and also past incidents on my phone and referring back to 'Why Does He Do That?' for support. I also had a chat with my Dsis this morning who really helped me to sort out in my head the fact that despite his genuine feelings about the matter, he is still piling on the emotional pressure and not showing any respect or understanding of what I am saying to him.

@birdsinthegarden I'm quite teary reading your comment. Thank you 😢 I don't often give myself credit for what I have done/am doing.

You're right about the fact that he is only devastated for himself (and possibly the DC) because, although he keeps apologising for the way he has treated me, he always seems to follow it up with, 'if only you had told me at the time, I could have explained myself', which means none of his apologies ring true.

I am absolutely full of admiration for you OP. Stay strong and keep going.

Keep familiarising yourself with 'the script' that abusers follow because it is a very well trodden path. Arm yourself with this knowledge so that you are prepared for what he throws at you next.

He seems to be in a self-pitying phase right now but it will soon cycle through to the nasty/undermining stage, then back to nice again.

Perhaps write up a list of all the things he might try to say/do during each phase. That way, when it inevitably happens, you will feel more prepared.

He will threaten suicide again - I can guarantee it.

Practice how you'll respond when he does, perhaps;

"It's sad to hear you speak that way. Perhaps you should consider counselling or an appointment with the G.P?"

In other words, put the responsibility for his thoughts and actions firmly back at his own feet.

He is trying his hardest to wear you down but just look at you. Look how far you have come - despite his best efforts.

What a bloody brilliant woman you are!!!

@Bluebeanbag - ‘’if only you had told me at the time, I could have explained myself’ as in - he could have justified calling you an ‘evil bitch’ ??!!! As others have said, this is self pity, no self reflection, and shock horror that he will have to sort his life/grunt work himself.

@goody2shooz you're right. I was thinking earlier what a strange combination it is for someone to be entirely self-obsessed but with zero capacity for introspection.

Strange but probably common, I imagine.

Glad to see you are still in control and moving forward @Bluebeanbag you’re doing the right thing.

im currently livid with my husband - I’m finally pregnant with our second child (son is 8) , I’m 33 weeks but had complications (long story but last birth was a 4th degree tear / bad damage which means my next birth has to be caesarean as there is a 70-80% chance of irreversible damage if I have another naturally) and am booked in at 38 weeks. Been experiencing tightening, heavy dragging pains & have a few signs of pre eclampsia so my midwife suggested I pack my hospital bag & just try to rest as much as possible (in this heat 😂)

anyway, husband has gone out (I had to take him there!) and come home 4 hours later drunk. I specifically asked him NOT to do this as I feel in my gut I’m going to go into labour soon. We have no family so I rely on him to get me to the hospital if there is an emergency. Not only that I could do with him helping out a bit more with our son.
i told him to go away as he’s done exactly what we discussed isn’t sensible & as usual I’m a drama queen. Genuinely perplexed how this marriage has lasted 10 years but like you OP, always feeling like I need to make it work etc.

I really hope one day I pluck up the courage like you.

(sorry hijacked here- I really needed to get this off my chest & it feels a safe space)

@Honestbluebell please don't think you are hijacking. Your situation sounds worrying and I'm glad you felt you had a safe space here. Why are we constantly told we are hysterical and overreacting? Can you imagine if a man had been through your previous birth experience? We'd never hear the last of it! And yet, because you ask for support in what is potentially quite a scary situation, you are a drama queen. Sounds to me like he is being the drama queen, whilst you are being very sensible and level-headed. I hope the birth goes smoothly - please do let us know💐

Thank you so much - I am really worried I’ll be in a situation where I’ll labour at home it’ll be too late for an ambulance etc & I’ll deliver my daughter at home. I’m also on blood thinners as I have a blood clotting disorder so without sounding too dramatic I’m scared I’d bleed to death!
thankfully nothing happened last night but I do worry & like you say - if only they’d really UNDERSTAND the emotion of it. Appreciate your support- really does feel better to get it off your chest sometimes doesn’t it.
hope you’re ok xx

@Honestbluebell if you would like to pm me, my previous career was medical and I may be able to provide some reassurance.

I'm OK. Yesterday afternoon was quite difficult when H arrived back to spend the weekend with the DC. He was a mess - shaking, rocking, hunched over, wearing odd clothes that were too big for him, frequently screwing up his face as if in pain. He started begging me to change my mind again. Saying he could change and that he was changing already. He said his DDs (23 and 31) have both said that he has changed already so this is proof that he will be able to do it. He said he had got anti-depressants and that the Dr had told him these would help to sort out his anger as well (!).

I just looked at him and felt angry for the first time. I told him that he needed to pull himself together to be able to be an effective parent for our DC, otherwise I would not be going to stay with my friend.

A few minutes later he came upstairs and asked if we should tell the DC. I was a bit taken aback at this as it was the opposite of what he had just been saying so I said I hadn't prepared to tell them today and that I felt it was unfair on them to tell them such momentous news and then walk out. He said - well I don't want to tell them and walk out either. I pointed out that it would be more unsettling for them for me to be walking out as their primary carer. He went silent at that point.

After a lot more backwards and forwards, more begging, self-pity and emotional blackmail he said he felt he would be calmer and more stable if I weren't there because all he wanted to do was kiss and hug me. I agreed to go on the proviso that I text DS1 later that evening to check up on them.

Had a lovely evening at my friend's house - her DSis has a long career working for Women's Aid and it was therapeutic to be able to talk to her. When I text DS1 he said all was fine.

This morning I have messaged him again but no reply, so am a little on edge now imagining all the awful things you hear about in the news when men go crazy but I'm trying to get a handle on that because DS1 is not the most reliable communicator.

He is ever such good actor and so manipulative!!!

Yes he wanted to tell DC and then you walk out, he is prepared to hurt your DC to make you feel guilty or cave and not end it.

Keep that anger he is an utter arse!!!

Text book abuse.

I also had 'if you'd only told me' lots of times, despite me pointing out that I'd been telling him how unhappy I was for years.

After being sucked into trying again and seeing him able to control his moods most of the time I realised that if he was able to do it after I asked for a divorce he could have done it years ago and I wouldn't have had to suffer so much. It only became important to him when he was about to lose his comfortable life with someone who would take care of all the life admin and housework.

I got so angry as I could clearly see that he had chosen to be the way he was to get his own way and that he was incredibly selfish. I stopped feeling sorry for him then, despite his best efforts to guilt trip me and his massive bouts of self pity .

I have not regretted my divorce for a minute, my life is so much better and I no wake up each day worrying about what mood he'll be in or watching everything I say in case it annoys or upsets him. The freedom and lightness are incredible.

*no longer wake up

@Bluebeanbag It's all about him isn't it !! He has treated you badly all these years and only when you are leaving him is he saying he will change. But if he really loved you he would never of treated you like that in the first place.....
Maybe he is not capable of loving someone properly - he can say the words but does not understand the actual concept.
Also ask your self - do you actually really love him anymore . He is not worthy of your love and he does not deserve to be given the rest of your life - the damage has been done and its better to love yourself and your DCs and put you first. Better to be alone than in a bad relationship

@Dreamingofsheep Spot on.......I agree 100%

I can’t believe what he puts you through (well I can , but still!)
I think you have broken the mental barrier in your own mind now; you can see what he’s doing and you’re combatting it calmly, effectively & in the best way possible IMO.

he sounds like he’s now acting out of desperation, which I know will be incredibly hard for you to sit back & watch since you’re a caring soul- but I am almost certain he’ll do a 180 back to being nasty to you shortly.

hold your ground as you are- so glad to hear you have helpful friends around also!

😘

You sound like you have really got it together. So proud of you!
His behaviour over the visit was awful. So selfish. Big self-pity and giving you cause to be alarmed. Extremely manipulative. Saying his children have said he has changed in a fortnight! They cling on to these little snippets of things they have heard and exaggerate them into 'evidence' that presumably you are meant to accept. My ex's perpetrator counsellor apparently told him it was all my fault for 'pushing his buttons' (I hate that phrase!)
I've been in your shoes many times, especially getting no response (this is so predictably common around return times...) and thinking about the awful things in the news that occur with saddening regularity.
Do not hesitate to ring the police for a welfare check if you do not get a response in a reasonable time or hear anything concerning from him - I have had to do this twice and in my experience the police have taken it seriously and responded fast.

I just wanted to say you're kicking ass @Bluebeanbag

It was more mind games yesterday on him suggesting telling the children and you then not being there. He could cry with them and blame you then. When you're back later I'd suggest you agree what you're going to tell them, and suggest a convenient time for telling them. I bet he backtracks on them knowing.

My ex was a bit of a knob (understatement) and I left for some similar reasons. He was pretty amicable in the split once he got over that I wasn't budging, and he's a really solid parent to our DD, but they are crap at communication when together, so I'd just wait to hear from DS1.

@2022NewTimes
Maybe he is not capable of loving someone properly - he can say the words but does not understand the actual concept.

I have always felt this to be true. I have said to him many times that I feel as though he loves the idea of me which he has constructed in his own mind but not actual me IYSWIM.

I have heard from DS1 now. All fine, he was just having a lie in.

H messaged as well, asking if I was coming back today or tomorrow because I had expressed concern that he was not mentally stable enough to look after the DC and take DS2 to school in the morning.

I replied to say I have decided to stay at my friend's house tonight and go back tomorrow. He has not replied to my message and so I will now have to message to ask him whether he is planning to go back to DD2s house when I return. Constant bloody games 🙄

I'm 7 months along from you.

You have an absolute roller coaster ahead, he will cry, tell people lies about your break up, manipulate you, give you abuse when he's angry, give you sob stories when he's sad, use the kids to relay info that will piss you off, you name it!

It will all centre round him, not your kids, it already is as you're preoccupied with his state and health, which is exactly what he wants. See it all for what it is. He's sad for himself and nobody else, that's where the anger will kick in. Then he'll keep on with the money nonsense as you get further in and make out like you can't possibly survive without him.

You bloody can, and you will. And your kids will be the least damaged by him as they can be. Mine are wise to exs behaviour and hardly see him. Kids aren't dumb. Be prepared, stay on focus. We separated 4 yrs ago and I let him charm me back with all the promises in the world. After 6 months he was EXACTLY THE SAME!!! Wasted another 3 years with the asshole. Don't make that mistake, keep looking ahead and detach your emotions from his behaviour. Good luck!

Thank you @Terrariatime I do feel as though all his behaviour has been exposed now. I can see it for what it is and however much he tries to convince me he can change, I know he can't sustain it.