Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Thats it, isn't it? Not having to drag or hide behind the fear makes you stand taller and be more confident. If you are not careful you might find yourself doing a little skip or a whistle 😮

The end is in sight, you've got this!

This is wonderful, wonderful news!! I started reading your thread a long time ago, and catch up with all your updates and I agree with a pp, the change in you is amazing. Finally feeling free of the fear of him must be such an incredible thing. Not long now, you can get it sorted and enjoy your freedom. So, so happy for you. You are so strong and have done brilliantly
xx

I've been following this thread since you started it and and I can't tell you how much I love your last few replies. I remember reading your first post and I could have written it myself. I've finally been brave enough to tell my husband I want out but my god it's terrifying. I'm so in awe of how strong you are and I hope that can be me a bit further down the line.

@Missikat13 @BigBlueSloth thank you both. It's funny how you don't feel strong at all when you're in the middle of it all but I keep hearing that same word from all of you and from friends irl and I'm starting to believe it now.

Our buyers have been round to discuss some points from the survey today. Of course H conveniently had to go out, although he left me strict instructions not to negotiate any change in the price (along with attached threats about pulling out of the sale). I just nodded.

Despite our worries, it turned out that they didn't want to renegotiate the price, they just want us to address a couple of points the surveyor raised about some building work we had done a few years ago. The work is still under warranty so fingers crossed, it shouldn't be a problem.

STBXH messaged me after they had gone to ask for an update and when I told him, he responded by saying that it's up to me to get it sorted out and if it takes too long and his purchase falls through then he will be putting our house back on the market.

He's just so spiteful and bitter, even after all this time it still shocks me, but it doesn't affect me in same way as it did before. I keep waiting for this feeling of liberation to disappear again but it's still there, although I'm exhausted as well.

Its all bluff, any other buyer would find the same issues
He really us a weak little prick (WLP from now on) isn't he?
Leaving you to see the buyers then asking for an update.
Id have replied if he wanted to know he should have been there.
As for you sorting out these problems, well lets face it, it would always have fallen to you, because he is a WLP.
Soon will be rid of him😆😆😆

@Mix56 you're right. And that's what I have been thinking a lot this weekend. Everything has always been down to me to sort out, but with him in the background telling me what he wants. So I'm like the puppet. It's infuriating but I have to just get my head down and get on with it so I can get out.

I'm just sorting out last month's bills so I'm looking forward to another argument later about the utilities too...

I think if he starts texting you shit like 'the house will have to go back on the market blah blah' use the 👍 emoji. Actually see how many of his texts you can respond with a thumbs up - could be a nice game for you

@CleaningOutMyCloset 😅 I just ignored his message last night. My Dsis has much the same experience with her ex and doesn't reply to anything he sends her for at least a week.

I used to respond to my ex with the fewest words possible, it's amazing how many pages of pages of texts from my ex I could respond with 'k'

Thumbs up is the most grey rock response ever

He has signed up to a dating app...

@Bluebeanbag if it gets him away from you that has to be worth something! Just pity the poor women who unwittingly get involved with him 😱

Hurrah keep his distracted and wanting to get on with the divorce 👌

I dream of the day dh signs up to a dating app!!! This is really good @Bluebeanbag he is on his way out of your life. Your future is on its way! X

Dear god. I pity the poor woman that matches with him.

that’s the next hurdle to cross at some point. Agreeing new partner protocol and at what stage of dating it is deemed appropriate to introduce them to the children. Otherwise I have visions of a stream of women being flaunted around to ‘show’ you what you are missing out on whilst he doesn’t realise the damage he’s doing to his children.

Is there a dating app called redflags.com then?

@TheCatterall I agree. That's my main concern. I do have faith in my wonderful boys though. I think they can see through some of what is going on. Their behaviour towards each of us is gradually polarising. They seem to be less and less inclined to do as he asks, whereas I have little problem getting them ready for school/bed etc. I feel like we are growing stronger as a unit of 3 despite still all being in the same house.

I've felt quite weird about it since I found out that he'd signed up. Not upset at all, but just kind of nauseated by it. In the past he has made some very dodgy, misogynistic comments about how men are at a disadvantage because, 'women are the ones who have to give consent for sex'. He said that women have all the power when it comes to sex, but men NEED sex in order to function and therefore it's unfair. I feel like this whole dating app scenario is to: 1) meet his physical 'needs' and 2) so he can find a new, biddable woman to look after him.

Clearly I had issues when he made these comments before and I tried to get him to see things from a different perspective. I read bits of Caitlin Moran's book, More Than a Woman to him but it erupted in an argument (of course). Thinking about it now, I can't believe I was so tolerant/blind to how badly he was treating me. But I know my head wasn't in the right place to see all this before. I had suppressed it for years and years.

@Duckingella if only 🙄😂

@Duckingella Redflags.com Bahahahahahahahaha!

Just need to vent again.

We are so close to finalising the sale of this bloody house and he is digging his heels in again.

The buyers want us to give them some money off for repairs which the surveyor says are needed to the loft conversion we had done some years ago. Basically on that weekend when I met the buyer on my own to negotiate, I had agreed to look into getting the builder back to do the work suggested. The builder has refused and said that it was all signed off under building regs and therefore the work isn't necessary. Buyer still wants money off regardless because they say the builder is biased whereas the surveyor is impartial.

H is refusing to give a penny. He has said to me that I can pay them if I want but he won't be. He is willing to put the house back on the market. I have said to the estate agent that I will pay half with a view to getting it finalised but that I can't cover the whole cost of what's being asked, which is genuinely the case. I'm putting down all the collateral from the sale as the deposit for my new house and I have a little left for moving costs, but that is it.

Once again he is demonstrating what a vile human being he is. I am trying to be grateful for the fact that he is proving this daily but I am SO worn down and exhausted and furious.

@Bluebeanbag how very frustrating for you. Have you read what their surveyor’s report said about this particular issue? Tbh, it may not necessarily be entirely accurate, and it’s interesting that the builder is refusing the prospect of paid work. Your buyer may be chancing it to an extent? Not that this helps YOU, but if they know there’s friction between the two of you it may be they’re trying to drive the price down?

@goody2shooz the building work is still under warranty which is why the builder doesn't want to come back but I do also think the survey is inaccurate. They have got basic things wrong and they claimed there was evidence of damp in one of the rooms which we have had investigated by a damp specialist and confirmed to be non-existent.

I think you are right, they are trying to use the situation to their advantage.

This is yet another of his tactics to make the split, and your life generally, as difficult and worrying as possible.
He's probably exultant that you're distressed and frustrated about this. Holding back money to solve the issue, and stopping the house sale from going ahead smoothly, is giving him power over you.
I haven't got any advice but you'll be able to look back on this eventually and just be grateful that you got away from him. Everything he does confirms how right you are to be splitting up.
Is he dating again yet?
If he starts to get interested in another woman he might want to ensure the house sale goes through smoothly. Mind you, I'm sorry for about any women he tries to get together with......

I do feel like this is just another storm I have to ride out. I've made my position clear to the estate agent and he's just going to say what he will say. Just have to keep fingers crossed that we are so far down the line now, the buyers won't want to pull out.

I don't think he is dating, although he did go out last night. Who knows? I feel very sorry for the next woman. He can really turn on the charm when he wants to.