Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

You don't have a written agreement to vacate therefore for the DC sake you will be staying until you have secured a new home for them rather than disrupt them twice.

He is treating you as if you have his morals.

He would absolutely shaft you and the DC so is getting you to make gentleman agreements not to do what he would.

He's awful.

You could say you will vacate if he pays 2 months up front for you and the DC to an air B&B.

He doesn't want you and the DC in a "better" position than him, his fragile ego can't take it.

The thing which absolutely astounds me is that he has made no suggestion that the DC could go and live with him full time whilst I find a place. What is the matter with him? He would rather see his DC lodging with a friend than look after them himself. Obviously I'm not going to suggest this as a solution because I don't want to give him any extra power, but I really did not believe he would sink so low.

🤣

Sorry but wake up, he is not a decent man or father. He hasn't treated his other DC well why would your be different.

It's all about him and "winning"

You poor thing.
He is consistently awful.
Listen to @RandomMess and suit yourself.

You keep behaving as if he will behave with decency, he won't.

He never has.
He never will.

Try and accept the truth of that.

Your denial hurts you and your boys.

Protect and suit yourself.

You are going to be so regretful of allowing him to bully you when this is over.

Suit yourself and get every penny you can.

He is utter scum.

Stop treating him as if he is anything else.

Channel your annoyance into protecting yourself.

Yes, I totally hear you. I've always been too soft. A complete people pleaser, not just to him but to everyone. It's so ingrained. I was brought up with an angry DF and a placating, narcissistic DM and it's just so deeply ingrained to be the 'good' girl. I infuriate myself.

Who you are doesn't always have to be your future.

We all have stuff about ourselves that we dislike etc.

We are capable of change.

A lot of women change from being a people pleaser to putting up firm boundaries.

It comes with age, experience, self growth and often the menopause.

Life is too short to accept being walked over.

You are a clever, resourceful, self-aware women who is getting rid of the utter scum in your life.

Your life is going to get so much better.

You just need to stay strong, hold on, and get everything you can financially so that you don't have regrets.

I'd stop looking for houses, agree to move in with your friend and then, when the money is in your pocket you start looking. It will take all the stress away from trying to sell and buy with that wank badger in the background playing games... if you don't have any bat or ball to play with, he can't take it off you... it shouldn't be this way, any adult with half a brain cell wouldn't behave like him, but you can't control what he does, just how you react to it. Stop telling him what's happening with you, if he asks about houses just tell him you will be out when it's sold, he doesn't need to know your plans

A lot of women change from being a people pleaser to putting up firm boundaries. It comes with age, experience, self growth and often the menopause.

I'm not sure I will ever stop being a people pleaser, or have 100% healthy boundaries. So instead, what I have done over the years is protect myself from people who take the piss. It means I have quite a sheltered and perhaps (by normal standards) somewhat isolated life, but it works for me! And DH#2 is loving, kind, respectful, good-natured and hilarious. All this makes a huge difference to the way I experience life.

If you're naturally conditioned to be a giver you have to be really careful who you surround yourself with. There are a lot of energy parasites around.

Kindly @Alcemeg, I think the hard swerve of CF's and those that take the piss are your strong boundaries.😁

I think spotting them from 40 yards and avoiding them is often hard won experience and a positive way to live!

When I have met someone new in my latter years I don't need several examples of CFxxkery/unkindness for me to suddenly vanish, I'm now a one strike and I'm out kinda gal.

I don't have the time, interest nor energy to politely engage with anyone that has that vibe.

Quality over quantity every time.😁👍

I hear you, @billy1966 😀 👍

I don't even expose myself to the possibility of engaging, though! I live in the middle of nowhere and have no social life. So I don't even have to spot them from 40 yards, as I rarely get that close to another human except when doing the weekly shop 🤣

Half of my friends miss the isolation of lockdown, the wfh, iron clad excuses to avoid weddings and large tedious gatherings, the complete acceptance of not seeing people (that you actually don't really care for).

It suited a LOT of people, particularly women.

There has been a huge natural cull, attrition of peoples circles of friends for a lot of women, not unlike our wardrobes.😁

The realisation that we don't need so much or so many, to be contented in ourselves.

@Bluebeanbag sorry (but not surprised to hear) that his shittiness keeps increasing. Learn from it - he is not your husband now, he is your enemy. How is your lawyer situation? Still with the rather slow one or have you changed her/him? Get the best you can find who’s experienced in domestic abuse and take your stbx for as much as you can - you’ll need it for the dc. Perhaps a chat with Woman’s Aid would be a good move too. But this is where you have to think only of yourself and the dc. No more Mrs Nicebeanbag!! Are all your important documents safely out of the house? Any particular precious items? Passports, jewellery, photos etc, the sorts of things he might ‘mislay’ for you as he takes ‘his’ stuff…

@billy1966 Exactly!

...but you were also right before, in that I suppose I have just taken to the extreme my newfound refusal to accept the slightest possibility of the minor and temporary inconvenience of even the most distant glimmer of potential arseholiness 🤣 so I guess it is true that this is what you could call my "strong boundaries"!

OP don't "infuriate yourself" with how you are, it only matters that you're like that because you're in the wrong situation. You're good. One day you'll be able to relax and enjoy it

Or have a read of ‘The Life Changing Magic of not giving a Fuck’ by one Sarah Knight. 😁

@ImBlueDab wank badger 😂😂 I will think of this every time I see him. Thank you!

@Alcemeg this sounds like the perfect life! Hard swerving the CFs. I have a circle of very good, close friends whom I trust and know I can rely on, and that's enough for me.

Thank you Alcemeg 😊

@goody2shooz I have stuck with the same solicitor as she seems to be responding more readily now. I am up to the eyeballs in solicitors for conveyancing now as well and I just couldn't face the added hassle of changing to someone else.

Unfortunately he has already hidden the DCs passports some time ago. However, I have a bargaining chip, which is that he wants the engagement ring back because it was a family heirloom. Sadly, I seem to have misplaced it...

I have all the photos and loads of stuff digitally that he doesn't have a clue how to access. I have also started squirrelling some stuff away which he hasn't realised as yet.

Will definitely add that to my reading list. Thanks!

@Bluebeanbag

Unfortunately he has already hidden the DCs passports some time ago. However, I have a bargaining chip, which is that he wants the engagement ring back because it was a family heirloom. Sadly, I seem to have misplaced it...
Maybe also consider reporting their passports lost and apply for new ones going to your friend's:new address? 🌹

@ImBlueDab I got a bit carried away with 'wank badger' 😂 but your point actually sits really well with me. I just need to be away from him so badly and I'm beginning to think DS1 does too. He hasn't said anything but I've noticed today that when H walks into the room he makes an excuse to leave. He's also refusing to do anything H asks him to.

Passports can be included in child arrangement orders.

Honestly sometimes it's just a case of dropping the rope. I had an ex very similar and it was better for me and the dc to not give him anything to push against.

No passports - take them on holiday in the uk.
He's playing silly huggers with the house - don't look until you've got the money in your pocket
You want to go away for the weekend - make sure you can take the dc when he lets you down
Never ask him to swap contact weekends

If i ever asked my ex to swap weekends, he'd agree then put a spanner in the works. I ended up always making a Plan B and never ever asking him for help. I had good childminders and help with the dc, so when he let me down I could carry on. I also got a child arrangement via the courts, so I could at least have a small amount of control. He still tries to bigger up my plans, but it was more difficult as I didn't give him the option.

It gets so much easier when the dc are younger and you're not living under the same roof

How’s things @Bluebeanbag ?

@Bluebellforest1 I feel as though there has been quite a seismic shift in the power balance. Nothing much has changed outwardly but a few weeks ago I had a real build up of rage and since that has dissipated again, I've been left feeling remarkably detached. I am acing the grey rock/dropped the rope now. Genuinely couldn't give a shit.

He, on the other hand, appears to be losing touch with his grip on reality. His solicitor sent me his D81 (accompanying the draft consent order this week) and had cocked up all the figures. He had signed this document as correct and hadn't even checked it!!

He has also indicated on the same form that we will be taking care of the children on a 50/50 basis. He cannot physically do this because he has bought a house out of the area and will be working 11 hours a day 5 days a week in the near future. When I queried it, he said he wants it recorded as 50/50 so that if his circumstances change and he is able to have the children more, I won't be able to refuse.

He has put down his salary as £700 a month (you will remember he hasn't worked a shift since the beginning of Nov) and offered to pay £100 a month cm.

He also thinks that we will be living in our own houses by the time the Consent Order is granted. I haven't enlightened him about this point yet. I keep wondering what awful advice his solicitor must have given him. Or maybe he hasn't really asked her for advice and has gone about this in his usual style, thinking he knows better than anyone else.

I'm actually laughing at the ridiculousness of him now. I'm still incredulous that he thinks this is all normal/OK, but I'm no longer terrified and upset. 💪🏼🙌🏼