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Original poster

Plucking up the courage to leave.

1000 replies

Bluebeanbag · 19/06/2022 07:22

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/01/2023 22:15

So glad you have detached, the opposite of love is indifference!

At least you can rip his proposal to shreds and say "no it's the situation as is now"

Bluebellforest1 · 27/01/2023 22:47

Well done @Bluebeanbag !
Detachment is the answer I find, not giving a shit about his misery and woes, routines and faffing, self righteousness…..
I’m so glad you’re ok, your thread is on my watch list and I realised we hadn’t heard from you for a while.

Tonight I’m 150 miles from home alone, staying with my son3 and fiancée. We’ve been out for a meal with son2, I’ve been shopping, and I even had a quick lunch with my exh, (dad of all sons).

H is at home, texting me constantly, wittering about the dog, the weather, asking me to pick up bits of shopping……I reply briefly every 6 hours or so.
I’m off home tomorrow, 3 glorious hours of driving with no wittering.

and I’m still plucking up the courage to leave!

Keep going OP, and keep us posted, you give me strength and hope. X

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 27/01/2023 23:17

@RandomMess absolutely. His proposal shows an utterly false picture to the court. Even in official legal documents he is crying poor me and trying to manipulate.

Also, the fact that I have my friend who is willing to house me and the DC has also given me power. I don't care if the sale of the house is delayed by all this because I can move in with her whenever I'm ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 27/01/2023 23:30

@Bluebellforest1 thank you. It's so nice that you checked in and your message is so full of warmth and kindness.

I'm really glad that you've had a lovely time with your sons. That breathing space is invaluable. I always feel I get a little bit of me back when I have been away from him.

A memory popped up on my fb account today from a night out for a friend's birthday 4 years ago. H had made it very difficult for me to go out (as usual) and I was really stressed when I arrived at the pub. After a few beers, one of my best friends said she would be there for me in a heart beat with a shotgun and a shovel and it's been the running joke between us ever since.

I can't believe this conversation was 4 years ago and that it has taken me soooooo long to reach this point and finally recognise and act on my feelings. I suppose I'm just saying it will happen one day for you too Bluebellforest1. Plucking up the courage has taken a long time but it's finally happening. Hang on to that hope. 💐

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/01/2023 00:32

💐

19Bears · 28/01/2023 00:35

Cheering you on @Bluebeanbag and sending you strength @Bluebellforest1 I'm still gathering inspiration from this thread x

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 28/01/2023 08:09

Thank you @19Bears @Weenurse Your support is continually appreciated. 😊

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/01/2023 09:59

So pleased to read your head is in such a good place and you have a place to go.

Having a plan gives you such power.

Tell him nothing, do not let on.

In fact pretend you might be stuck, he would love that.

Life will be so much better without him coming through the door.

@Bluebellforest1 wishing you strength too.

Duckingella · 28/01/2023 23:12

@Bluebeanbag

When he starts his new 55 hour a week job will he be PAYE?

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 28/01/2023 23:41

@Duckingella I have no idea. He won't divulge any information about his new job at all other than the fact that he will be working 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have managed to find out that he has had to do some health and safety training because of an app he downloaded in DS2's iPad but that's all the info I have.

I intend to refer child maintenance to the CMS in due course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 28/01/2023 23:45

@billy1966 I have been out with close friends for dinner tonight and it was the first time in about 15 years that I have felt like myself again.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/01/2023 01:31

Glad you enjoyed your evening

Mix56 · 29/01/2023 10:37

He downloaded a dodgy app to DS ipad... Someone knew, he has had to to health & safety course due to this ???
My God I'd want alot more information about this.

billy1966 · 29/01/2023 10:57

Delighted to read that you are beginning to feel more like your old self.

The joy and value of detaching emotionally.

You are impervious to hurt when you genuinely don't care.

Indifference being the opposite of love.

He really is batshit.

Keep all powder and plans dry.

Tell him nothing.

Balletcat7616 · 29/01/2023 12:10

As a clinical hypnotherapist I can advise that trying this may enable you to reach your sub-conscious and weigh the balance of probability up as to whether a temporary or complete bleak in your marriage would be the best thing for you.
Rather than be caught up in each individual, hurtful situation, perhaps try to 'chunk down' these situations into simple blocks in your head. For instance, 'I cannot spare the time to indulge him'......... 'My children need more care than he does' ......(these are just generic examples). Through this process and a little time in thinking this way, you will listen to your inner self and come to the decision as to what point it becomes more valuable to move on. His behaviour is the trigger and you may just have begun to outgrow him and need move on. A specialist can help you with this, but if you can distance yourself for just a moment, like an observer looking in on the situation, this new approach to the problem should help you.

TheShellBeach · 29/01/2023 16:49

Balletcat7616 · 29/01/2023 12:10

As a clinical hypnotherapist I can advise that trying this may enable you to reach your sub-conscious and weigh the balance of probability up as to whether a temporary or complete bleak in your marriage would be the best thing for you.
Rather than be caught up in each individual, hurtful situation, perhaps try to 'chunk down' these situations into simple blocks in your head. For instance, 'I cannot spare the time to indulge him'......... 'My children need more care than he does' ......(these are just generic examples). Through this process and a little time in thinking this way, you will listen to your inner self and come to the decision as to what point it becomes more valuable to move on. His behaviour is the trigger and you may just have begun to outgrow him and need move on. A specialist can help you with this, but if you can distance yourself for just a moment, like an observer looking in on the situation, this new approach to the problem should help you.

As a member of MN I can advise that you RTFT before making a comment.

TheShellBeach · 29/01/2023 16:52

He's going to ask what's going on soon though and it will be my fault for choosing a 'crap solicitor'

Hi OP. I've just read the whole thread and although this comment was several pages back, it resonated with me.
I recall my Ex-H ringing me up while we were still in the process of divorcing, to advise me that my solicitor did not have my best interests at heart.

What he meant, of course, was that my solicitor did not have my H's best interests at heart.

These men, eh?

I hope you continue to move forward with your plans and gain strength and courage from the wise people in your life and on this thread.

Peanutandflump · 29/01/2023 18:13

Ah I feel your pain OP. The suicide threats are definitely a method of control and a way to make you feel responsible/bad for him, which you most certainly are not - he's a grown man!
My ex tried this on more than one occasion until I realised what he was doing - he used to send me messages telling me he wanted to kill himself and I ended up feeling so bad that I would take him back. Eventually though I snapped and after yet another threat I told him that I was going to contact the police and get them to pay him a visit because he was a danger to himself, and also that I wouldn't be allowing the children to visit him until he was more mentally stable. It might seem harsh but sometimes you have to call out the behavior to let them know you are now seeing things like they really are.
It's hard to stay strong in this situation, but try to take things one day at a time and life will eventually start to feel better.

Do you have any other support behind you? Parents, siblings etc?

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 22:56

@TheShellBeach 🤣 Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 23:00

I found a certificate for a forklift truck driving qualification today. So it seems this is the big job he wanted to keep so secret.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/01/2023 23:04

Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 23:00

I found a certificate for a forklift truck driving qualification today. So it seems this is the big job he wanted to keep so secret.

Wowsers.
And is this the famous job which will occupy him for 55 hours a week?
It all seems very odd to me, because he is currently only managing one shift a month.
Grin

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 23:05

@Peanutandflump I do have support from family although they are not nearby, so limited in how much they can help in a practical sense.

I have quite an odd relationship with my DM and my DSis has also been in a similarly abusive relationship. I think a lot of this has something to do with my upbringing (DB also has a string of failed relationships), which makes me reluctant to seek too much support from my DM. I have got an amazing circle of close friends though.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/01/2023 23:06

That was supposed to be the GRIN emoji, not a bottle of gin.

Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 23:10

@TheShellBeach yup 😄You have echoed my thought exactly. The company he was working for prior to our split were offering him forklift truck work but then it fell through and he never did the training, so whether he has managed to get them to agree to give him more work, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebeanbag · 30/01/2023 23:11

He's done no shifts since the beginning of November but it's clear that the reason for that is so that he can put down on the court paperwork that he only earns a pittance.

OP posts:
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