Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

Him counter-accusing you is classic abuser behaviour. Abusers will not take any responsibility for their actions - even when they appear to do so, they cannot keep the facade up for long. E.g. saying they will change to get you back and then reverting back to the original abusive behaviour.

They have to put the blame onto someone else as they cannot handle the fact they are imperfect and abusive.

My ex is like this with the counter accusations. I know my abuser was fully aware of what he was doing as he has repeatedly stated that to me and I have texts with admissions of various wrong doings. Yet, he continues to try to abuse me through the legal system. I'm sure your ex is fully aware of what he's up to.

I have officially (when talking to police and social care) taken responsibility for my mistakes and actions but my ex never will. He just turns it around and tries to manipulate the situation to blame me or accuse me of the very things he is doing or has done. So I just ignore it and carry on. I would advise you to do the same. Don't let him derail you with his ridiculous accusations. That's what they want... either a reaction or to destabilise you when they can see you are on the path to freedom.

I've been following this thread @Bluebeanbag and I'm so sorry he's making you feel like this. The others above a right, he refuses to take responsibility for any of this and so turns it round on you. This is exactly what my 'd'h does, and it took me years to realise. Now I just ignore it, which I know is not easy for you to do when it's so intense, but you must try to let it all go over your head. My counsellor once said to me something along the lines of "let him blame you. Take the blame. It really doesn't matter who has done what or even if it's all made up, the end result is that you separate and you move on and that's all that matters." I really hadn't seen it that way til then. Please please stay strong OP, you have come so far x

"let him blame you. Take the blame. It really doesn't matter who has done what or even if it's all made up, the end result is that you separate and you move on and that's all that matters."
@19Bears thank you. This is a helpful way of thinking.

I spoke to my solicitor's secretary today who said that my solicitor is on annual leave this week. I explained everything to her secretary however, who is going to pass on what I've said and I have a telephone appointment booked for Monday.

I've text H today to explain this and to ask him to choose a solicitor for the conveyancing of the property but he is blanking my messages. The estate agents are getting a bit twitchy as it's now a week since the offer was accepted and we haven't even appointed a solicitor. I feel like I need to prepare myself for this sale to fall through. 😕

He is going to stall and dick you about over the house sale to punish you.

This is why you need an occupation order. Once he is out he can't emotionally abuse you and the DC anymore and he will be much keener to sell the house.

Please speak to rights of women.

Do not be surprised if this all ends up in court, he is a nasty angry man.

If he is going to be like that then I'd definitely apply for an occupation order. Like RandomMess said, he will be more likely to want to sell it if he is not in it.

reading everything in one go highlights one thing: you are applying different techniques to placate him, like you give in to his 39/61 split (which is a crystal clear indication how selfish he will behave towards his on DC in the future) because you have learned that you can achieve periods of calm by submitting to his unreasonable requests.

submission in transaction to slightly less abuse.

but him potentially pulling out of the sale shows, no matter how much you try to placate him, when it comes to the big things, he does the exact thing you wanted to avoid by giving in.

you gave in to an unfair split to get things moving, he still wants to pull out of the sale: playing by his rules, our your theories of how to placate him, is not working.

you are trying to act in a way to achieve a certain behaviour from him. it doesn't matter how fair you play. the worst thing you can image - he will do just that.

so just skip that part. gloves off.
he changed his mind about the sale.
so you change your mind about the 39/61 split.

he is dragging his feet? occupation order.

don't let him steal any more of you time and energy.

"he changed his mind about the sale.
so you change your mind about the 39/61 split."

Yes, he is royally playing about. So I would tell him he signs off on the sale or the 39/61 will likely be given by the judge, but in your favour

Hope you’re getting on OK @Bluebeanbag Keep thinking - this time next year! Wishing you strength, courage and peace 💐

I just read this entire thread. You must feel so ground down and miserable. I just wanted to say that I am yet another mumsnetter rooting for you and your DC! Hoping you get the sale through and can start to make next steps

@goody2shooz @ShinyHappyTits thank you both. It's been a rough ride for the past couple of weeks. Sorry, this is going to be a long one because quite a lot has happened.

I've managed to get him to agree on a solicitor for conveyancing and the house sale seems to be progressing, but the estate agent is asking about his plans for moving on, so that we have an idea of the chain. When I asked him about it, I got another mouthful of abuse - you're not forcing me into a decision about the rest of my life, this has all been sprung on me, you're a heartless bitch and you're taking my kids away from me etc.etc. For the first time though, despite his vitriol, I felt like I was the one with the power. He was like a little child having a tantrum. I just replied - you need to start behaving like a grown up and find somewhere else to live and he stomped off upstairs to sulk!

I am going to start looking for another solicitor on Monday because although the advice I am getting is sound, any actions are unbelievably slow. I had a phone call with her on the 5th December about amending the Consent Order and I heard nothing more from her until the 16th December when I received the amended draft. 🤯 It's putting me at a disadvantage with him.

The main issue however, has been concern about DS1. A week or so ago, he came and got me out of the bathroom at about 11.30pm saying he couldn't sleep because he could see a person standing over him. After some discussion, it transpires that he has this experience every night when he tries to go to sleep. He says he doesn't remember ever not having it, but that when he was leaving primary school it got significantly worse. He said the people don't scare him or try to speak to him but they can be distracting and intrusive when he is trying to go to sleep.

I completely panicked about all of this and H is saying we must push for a diagnosis, as 'these things' (he has decided it is psychosis) are treated more easily when caught early. However, now that I have calmed down a bit and spoken to a range of people including the GP, my counsellor, another counsellor attached to my work and the SENDco at DS1's school, I believe that we need to take a broader view and explore a range of avenues. The main thing I keep telling myself is that DS1 is far from distressed about any of this. He is completely matter of fact about it and sees it as a normal part of his life. He said he had never mentioned it because he thought everyone saw them.

I do think that it seems to be a stress reaction. It seems to be heightened at times of difficulty for him. I have this hunch that if we can get out of this house and away from the unhealthy atmosphere, things will drastically change for DS1. I have changed his bed time routine and I now go and lay with him and have a chat until he falls asleep, which he seems to like.

Have any of you ever experienced anything like this before?

Well done op - you are moving forward slowly but surely. I agree with you about your solicitor - mine was very proactive (and expensive! 🙄) but really kept everything moving forwards.

I can't help with your dcs situation unfortunately but would they be able to speak to the school counsellor? It might just help to be able to open up to someone who is outside the family.

You are doing so well. 💐

@Arrivederla thank you 😊 Yes, I have asked the school if he can be referred to the counsellor and the GP has done a referral to CAMHS so hopefully we will find out more about what's going on with him in due course 🤞🏼

Glad you’re feeling strong enough to realise his tantrums are just that, and to ditch your slow solicitor. And you’ve got things moving for your ds - all systems seem to be going your way, even if they’re not yet resolved. Plus your job and everything else you do, you’re quite the powerhouse! You’re right about how your(you and the dc) mental health will be improved once you have moved away from this current very difficult situation.

@goody2shooz I've been feeling really low about everything recently because he is dictating Christmas (of course) and I just feel stuck in limbo, but when you put it like that, I can see things in a different light.

@Bluebeanbag I've been following your story for ages. You're incredible

Have you looked up sleep paralysis for your DS1? I have it at times of stress and had my first experience as a teenager. It feels like someone is standing over you and you feel trapped in between sleep and being awake. It's like your brain is nearly asleep but still on high alert. When I was a teenager i honestly thought there were ghosts in my room.

Have a Google and see if your DS relates? It's a sleep disorder.

You're giving yourself the best Christmas present, ever, OP. The knowledge that it will be the last Christmas, ever, that you have to spend like this.

That is some gift. You really have shown sustained courage, tenacity and resilience. I hope that at least somehow you're able to find some peace this year as you look ahead to next.

@FestiveFiend no I hadn't considered sleep paralysis. Having read a bit online it does sound like there may be some similarities. I will talk to DS1 to find out more. Thank you 😊

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you, you're right. I've actually had a pretty good day today. I met up with a friend and just being with someone else has lifted the cloud a bit. One day at a time. One step at a time. Eyes on the horizon.

If DS thinks it might be sleep paralysis and starts getting freaked out by it then please reassure him that, even if it continues, he can find a way to manage it. My DD has had it for years and she's mentally reached the point of "ffs, not again" rather than be frightened. Shes also learnt that if she can wriggle one of her toes it can break the spell, so she concentrates on her toes rather than trying to move her hands etc. She also discovered that she gets it mostly when shes falling asleep flat on her back so she tries to avoid doing that.

You are doing amazingly well and I am in awe. Despite all your heartbreak and awful DHs behaviour I still wish I was you because you are moving forward. I hope you and your children have a peaceful Christmas this year

@Pixiedust1234 you are right. The pace of movement feels glacial just now, but at least it's forwards!

Thank you for the tips on sleep paralysis. I hope your DD continues to manage it well 💐

Out of the mouths of babes....😂😂

DS2 just decided to sort out arrangements with regard to when he will be getting up in the morning and which presents he will open with whom. He told H that he will be getting me and DS1 up at 7am when they will open their stockings with me, then he will wake H at around 10.30 when he will open other presents with him.

H was somewhat taken aback at this idea and objected, saying he wanted to see them open their stockings too. DS2 responded by saying - well you NEVER get up. 😂 Cue lots of explanation about how H can't go to sleep until 3am, has to take sleeping tablet, then feels groggy for the rest of the day, etc etc.

Hope you all manage to enjoy some of the celebrations, dependant on your respective situations. Wishing you all light, love and happiness. Merry Christmas 🎄✨️ xxx

@Bluebeanbag awwww! Your ds sounds great! Anyway, whatever happens with stocking opening, I hope you and the dc have a very happy Christmas, and that next year is a million times better than 22 has been for you. Onwards and upwards!

@goody2shooz he certainly doesn't mince his words. 'Leadership qualities', I've heard it called 😂😂

Merry Christmas @Bluebeanbag.
I like your DS1's direct approach 😀.
Hope you and your sons have a good day in spite of old fartface.

It's been a while since I've updated. I felt as though not much was happening and people would have other things to worry about over Christmas.

I think H is playing strategy games (although I can't prove it) and I am furious but don't know what to do with my anger because there is no point trying to express how I feel.

I wanted to offer on a house before Christmas but H refused to state his position. As a result I lost the house because the estate agent wouldn't put me forward as a buyer without knowing the chain.

A couple of weeks ago he said that he had started looking for a house to buy. Then last Wednesday he proposed that whichever one of us was ready to move first, the other would agree to vacate so as not to jeopardise the sale. He said, 'obviously it will be more of an issue for you because you will have the kids.'

I managed to arrange for the DC and I to move in with a wonderful friend temporarily should the need arise and then on Friday he told me he had bought a house!!! He said it was the first house he had viewed, he put an offer in and it was accepted.

Initially I was feeling very bitter because it all just seems to be falling into place for him but the more I sit with it, the more I feel as though he has engineered this situation and the angrier I become. I don't believe that it all happened on Friday and I think he knew way before that.

I do feel like I am wasting my energy on the wrong thing a bit but I'm so angry and I hate him so much for what he is doing to me and his children.

I'm still looking at houses and I am aware that having the offer of a place to stay gives me breathing space, but I can't shake this fury and hatred for him. I'm not eating properly or sleeping and it's just consuming me and I hate him even more for it.