Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

You are not just fighting for yourself - you are fighting for your children. Remember this!

Explore both options. Occupancy order preferably.

He is going to be an arse about selling and splitting finances.

Dig in and stand firm to get what you can the DC deserve and NEED.

I feel quite strong tonight. He has clearly been rattled by my approach. He did his best to seek an argument tonight but I just refused to respond to his tirade. I stood in silence and then walked off.

He has accused me now of money grabbing and making unreasonable demands. He said his friends all think I'm crazy and a lunatic for thinking DC2 should be spending the evening with me if it is my day.

I have decided not to rise to this any longer and to act the bigger person. DC2 wanted to play in the garden with H this afternoon, although today was a mummy day and I agreed. I feel as though nothing good is going to come of fighting this one - where the DC are concerned it's just too problematic for them so I would rather play the long game and bide my time until we are out and away from him.

My MIL and her husband (his step dad) came round to see me and the DC this afternoon, which really upset him! He rang his DM while she was with me. I said to her, he might be upset if he knows you're with me, but she deliberately told him, following which, he refused to talk to her on the phone while she was in my presence! He asked her to call back once she got home!

He has stomped off to bed in a right huff tonight because nothing is going his way. I, on the other hand, am feeling quite buoyant (for now) 😊

Well done. I think you have your priorities right by not being petty about who’s day it is and letting the DC decide who they want to spend time with, while you are sharing.. This will Change once you have separate homes.
Focus on what outcome you want to achieve and work towards that

I’ve continued to follow your post and you are really doing so well. Although it must be beyond horrible there’s another sense of clarity that you’re doing the right thing by virtue of how he is behaving.

Sadly for your DC I suspect this super sad act and wanting to spend time with them will wear off. Especially if you continue to respond the way you are doing. Although the ideal ending is him upping his game with the DC and settling down into a good routine once you’ve fully separated. I doubt he will manage to keep the act up for the entire time you stay in the house if you do decide to slog it out for the duration of the sale.

Did the house valuation come back at a figure you think is reasonable? Are you intending on getting another couple?

I know it must feel like there is no end to things but it might be that if you continue to act with dignity and not engage too much that once his initial reaction and emotions settle he might become slightly less combative. Although that’s more expected of someone normal and he certainly isn’t coming across as that!

Bluebeanbag

I have been quietly watching your post and I just want to say how much I admire everything you are doing and how fantastically strong you are being both for your children and yourself.

I can imagine there are times of despair and darkness but this is a moment in time and you will come through it (and you will) with a much happier life.

Your strength and posts give hope to woman in a similar position that are not quite at the point of doing the same but with your posts gives them future hope.

I will be watching and cheering you on ,you have got this.

Glad to see you having a better evening and feeling happier.

I did find with my ex that the only way to have a calmer day was to drop the rope, especially around the dc. He would deliberately want to spend time with them to upset me, so if I didn't react and let the dc spend time with him if they (or he) wanted, he soon realise that approach wasn't working so didn't do it any longer - which meant I got to spend more time with them. As you said, it's about the long game, and eventually, when you live separately he won't be able to encroach on your time.

@Trixymumofone I thought the valuation was in line with the current local market but he has other ideas. I think he is likely to drag things out as others have said. The money is something he seems very hung up about.

I have two further valuations booked for Thursday so I have said to him we should wait and see what the others come up with. I haven't yet seen the estate agent who is top of the list yet either so I'm hoping they will be more in line with his ideas.

@Watermelonsugarhighlove thank you. Your comment has made me quite emotional. When I think back to where I was a few months ago I actually don't recognise myself. I think once you find that courage to take the first step, the rest follows naturally.

Haha too many 'yet's in that sentence!

Great advice and you are doing so well.

He is desperate for a reaction and to act out his bullying.

Remember you have been his emotional punching bag for a long time.

Refusing to engage, irrespective of provocation is indeed the key.

Deny him the oxygen of your negative reaction.

If he behaves outrageously and says shocking things.

Respond by email.

"I was unable to answer you earlier as were very angry, upset, shouting, saying x,y,z.......
My response is this.......x,z,
It would be so much better for the children if you could refrain from shouting and calling me names as this is very damaging for them to be witnesses to etc".

This will provide a trail for you, if you acknowledge each of his explosions and might give him pause.

Ultimately the advice to get an order will be in the best interests of the children.

You are amazing and doing so well.

@billy1966 one of my close friends suggested responding to his outbursts by email. He doesn't do it in front of the kids but last night he was still speaking as he went up the stairs, which DC1 would have heard. I will definitely send him an email the next time he behaves in this way.

It has been a relatively quiet day so far. I took the DC out this morning to a local river and we had a lovely time swimming. When we got back H shut himself in his bedroom. He came out a few times during the afternoon to stomp around and make loud comments about how hot it was in the bedroom but otherwise all was quiet. He has now gone out, presumably drinking (although he is not a big drinker these days) and I can look forward to his return later. I will ensure that I am well in bed by the time he comes back.

Tomorrow is daddy day so I am planning on making myself scarce.

Them hearing has the same affect.

If he kicks off, telling him that I will respond only by email to you.

You then have the perfect opportunity to repeat what he has said and called you.

Then you repeat your request that he desist, because the children can hear his bad language, name calling, abusive angry tone, and it is so damaging for them.

I think that if you do that a few times it may give him pause for thought.🤞

Please tell your GP what is going on too.

You are doing great.
Remember that he feeds the children tomorrow and no more doing laundry, shopping for him etc.

You are doing so well.

I find all your support on here invaluable at this time. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have been out for most of the day today. stbxH (am I allowed to call him that now?!) still managed to ring me while I was out (he can't bear not to know where I am) but I missed his call. When I got home he said it didn't matter.

He has now taken the DC out to the park at the request of DC2 and the dismay of DC1 so my quiet time continues. I shall read a bit of my book I think...

If he continues to harass you with unnecessary phone calls block him.

I had to blank another attempt at manipulation this afternoon. I brought up the subject of DS2's impending birthday and suggested that H organise something with his family members (since he seems keen to isolate me away from them) and I would organise a swimming trip with a small group of his friends.

He snapped straightaway and said we should do it the other way around - you organise something with your family (they live 2 hours away) and I'll organise the party with his friends. He then suggested I wouldn't want to do this because I would have slagged him off to all DS2's friends mums.

I said, no, you are most welcome to have their phone numbers and sort it out yourself. He said he didn't see why we couldn't both go to the swimming party and that every time he sees me he wonders why we can't 'stop all this nonsense'. I ignored his attempt to engage in the same old begging routine and just told him I would sort out who was going to go to the swimming event. He then walked off in a strop while I was still speaking. It's just all so exhausting having to continually maintain this stance 😒

He really is trying to make your life difficult at every turn to punish you. It doesn't sound like it's truly sunk in that you mean what you say and won't be manipulated anymore.

You are doing amazing, keep going, we're here for you 💐

@billy1966 is this something people normally speak to their GP about? I am already seeing a counsellor privately and fortunately have no need of any anti-depressants currently. I will hopefully be seeing the GP next week with DS2. Is it something I should bring up then?

@HereComesBaby2 thank you 😊 🙏🏼 I really am so grateful for you all.

I'm still following you @Bluebeanbag and I think you are so strong. I really do admire you x

Still checking in and following your progress here too- I have nothing of real value to add but wanted you to know I’m still here rooting for you. You’re doing amazing 👭

I think it is something they mention.
That you are leaving an abusive relationship.
The way he speaks to you.
His nastiness.
That you do not want the children around it any longer.

How miserably unhappy you have been for years.
How he has never bothered with the children and has emotionally abused you for years.

Good for your paper trail.

You are doing great.

Little (long) update - a lot has happened tonight.

It's been a quiet couple of days. I've been becoming increasingly agitated waiting for the moment when he reverts back to nasty, but he has been making me cups of tea and not questioning where I am going or what I am doing which has been refreshing if somewhat unsettling.

Tonight he asked if we could talk. He said that he wanted to make things easier for me; he knew that I would be worrying about how to bring up the subject of the divorce and he knew I would have put in for the divorce by now. He said he didn't want me to worry about telling him. I sat silently through all this because I didn't want him to see any chinks in the armour.

He said he was adamant he was going to change and he knew that it was too late to win me back but that he was going to change for the sake of the children and the rest of the extended family. He said he would sell his soul to have me back and would do (almost) anything to change things between us (his actual word in brackets) but he realises now that it's too late for us.

He said he wanted to make the process as easy as possible so that it isn't long and drawn out and expensive. He asked what my intentions were in terms of contact with the DC. I said I wanted to be fair and that perhaps aiming for 50/50 would be a good place to start but that it's not always practical to do this.

He said he had two plans as far as living arrangements went and the contact would depend on whether he would able to manage one or other of these plans (he wouldn't elaborate as to what the plans were as he said he didn't know if he would be able to carry them out or not).

He asked me where I would plan on moving to and I said that I needed to be able to stay relatively close to our current location so that the DC are able to continue at the same schools. The area where we live is expensive and there is no way I will be able to afford another property in the same place on my own but I can move locally to a cheaper area.

Then things started to get messy. When we bought our house we signed a Deed of Trust which said that he was entitled to 61% and I, 39% of the property. My solicitor has said that now we have children, this Deed of Trust is irrelevant and that a court will split the assets 50/50 or possibly 60/40 in my favour as the primary carer. He says he will fight this all the way and that it will be a long drawn out and expensive battle if I choose to "shaft him for every penny as you women always do".

His arguments are as follows;

I am a money grabber who is using the kids as an excuse to try and win every penny I can.
He has put far more (financially) into the house than I have.
I am being unfair because I am expecting more back than I put into the house.
He has paid for all the renovations to the house (loft conversion, new windows, new bathrooms) and he is not asking for half of this money back so I should be grateful.
I will be doing well considering what I have actually paid into the house.
He won't be able to get another mortgage as he is 9 years older than me.

I really don't want to have to fight this battle. I feel sick at the thought of it. This is an area of significant weakness for me and he knows it. I can't bear to be thought of as a selfish, money-grabbing bitch. I have suggested going to a mediator but he is refusing point blank because he knows that my legal right is to half what we own together.

I'm now drinking wine when I should be sleeping because I'm so fucked off with the whole situation. At least he will be at work tomorrow and I won't have to see him all day.

I mean this very, very kindly when I write that you are going to have to give your head a big wobble, cop yourself on and get a grip!

You cannot afford to have ANY weaknesses in this situation and you most certainly CANNOT allow your ego to prevent you getting exactly what your children are entitled to.

He is a mean abusive arsehole and this conversation is just more of the same.

He wants to bully you into not getting everything your children are entitled to.

This is NOT just about you.

This is absolutely about your children and securing the best future for them.

He is a liar.

He hasn't and couldn't change.
He doesn't care about your boys.

Stop negotiating with him.

That is for a judge to decide, not him or you.

If he wants an expensive divorce that is all on him and he can have one.

He has abused you for yesrs.
You are divorcing him.

The courts can decide.
Stop engaging with him.
Stop being controlled by him and your ego.
Let him call you grabby, whatever.
Who gives a damn what bullshit leaves his abusive mouth.
Its more of the same.
Get every penny your children are due.

You deserve this.

So Mr Emotionally Abusive Nasty is back with a vengeance.

Well and truly shown he chooses whether to be nice or not.

You cannot afford NOT to take 50% for the DC.

You are married you have looked after the DC therefore contributed equally.

It always ends up in court with people like this and he was always going to bike and call you names etc.

You can grey rock this and reply that you are divorcing because he's a nasty abusive man to you for years so he's brought this on himself.

KOKO

So he did revert back to nasty, his whole speech about being amicable etc was him just laying the foundations and 'buttering you up' so he gets a better financial settlement for himself. His 'plans' re the dc, are bullshit, he didn't tell you them because he has none, all part of his speech.

Remember last nights speech was about him, how much he can walk away with, no thought to you, or even your dc's welfare after the divorce. A caring person would be thinking about what's best for the dc and acting appropriately.

As for contribution, families are made up of different types of contribution, financial, time, loss of career, caring roles etc, just because you can't put a figure on it, doesn't mean it's not worth anything