Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

You can do this

Try only to talk to him about the children (who looks after them, dates and times), and divorce details including house stuff. Anything else walk away. Its hard I know.

You don't have to have endured violence to go to the police. You could have an informal chat with the domestic abuse team - you can get hold of them on 101.

Otherwise, Women's Aid or your local DV charity could provide you with practical support as you navigate the next steps.

@GottaBeStrong that's a good idea. I feel the police ought to be aware although I don't want to make a big drama.

I am resolved not to engage with him about anything unless it's practic today. I'm going to busy myself with cleaning the house and contacting estate agents. Last night's behaviour gave me the final push I needed to complete the divorce application so that has gone in now and I will be emailing my solicitor to let her know what has happened too.

This morning he has tried to talk about it all again. He is alternating between begging and threatening. He asked me whether I am going to be fair about money. He expects to get back what he put into the house which would leave me and the DC without enough to set up again comfortably. When I said this he then replied that he would be the primary carer from now on and they would live mainly with him. Feeling utterly shit, worried, gaslit and panicky now. I have emailed my solicitor about it all so will see what she says.

Hi, OP. What an appalling situation. I'd disengage with any discussion of money whatsoever and suggest all this will be handled through solicitors. Likewise the division of residency for the children (from what you say he's bone idle, and despite what he's saying now to frighten you he would have no intention of taking on the work of day-to-day childcare; apparently he can't even deal with this whilst living under the same roof).

This man is an abuser. He doesn't have to physically strike you for this to be abuse. If possible, get in touch with Women's Aid and discuss your situation with them.

You are bearing up to his onslaughts brilliantly well. His response to this tells you what kind of life you will have if you ever capitulate; worse so, as he'll be emboldened by his success at manipulating you back from the brink of divorce. You sound determined, and that this line has been crossed, but the prospect of living in the same house whilst he alternates through the love-bombing, negging and gaslighting cycle sounds exhausting and utterly horrible.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and admire your strength and resilience.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you. It's taking all my strength to maintain the 'grey rock' stance under the onslaught. He is calm again now and I've just been listening to another soliloquy about how he hates himself so much for doing this to me. I suggested he research emotional and psychological abuse because I don't think he actually understands the extent of his behaviour.

I think he spoke to his daughter who has managed to talk him into working out a rota for looking after the kids. We agreed that he will be responsible for them for the next 2 days while I get on with sorting out the house ready for estate agents.

@Bluebeanbag Is there anyway you could afford to move out while going through this ? - you are amazing dealing with this while having to live in the same house as him - I am going through this at the moment but moved out with the DCs - so when he send me abusive messages / rants I at least can block him......

Grey rock sentence from now:

We both need to be able to accommodate them as we will have shared care and a judge will want that for the DC beats interests.

Put all financial decisions on the courts.

Unfortunately not. My wage won't cover rent plus bills where we live and he has no work at the moment (he is self-employed) so likewise he can't afford it either (although I do believe he has money stashed somewhere). He has also made noises about not being able to cover the mortgage payments in the near future. So we are stuck for now. All I can hope is that it calms down in the next few days. This is our first day in the house together for 3 weeks.

Have you put a claim in for UC as a single parent?

I started it, but it didn't look that hopeful to me because our childcare is mainly covered by his mum. We only spend £33 pw on breakfast and afterschool clubs during term time. I will finish the application though just to see what happens.

OP,

You are getting good advice on here but I believe it is critical that you speak to Women's aid and the police.

You are being threatened and abused by him in ever interaction you have.

Threatened you about primary care.
Threatened not to pay the morgage.
Calling you mentally disturbed because you don't wish to continue being abused.
Calling you vile names.

You are being abused.
Your children are being abused by hearing some of this.

You need this noted by the police.
You are nervous of him.

He knows fxxking well he has been abusive and cant believe nor accept it is over.

He is mentioning suicide to control you.

All of this needs noting NOW by the police incase he tries you use the children.

Pleaee call Womens aid for advice.
Tell your solicitor.
Stop playing it down.

Play it up.

This is so bad but because you have been the slowly boiled frog analogy you aren't sensitive to how shocking this is to read.

@billy1966 I still have trouble recognising how bad it is, you are right. After 18 years of being told I am the problem and that I am overreacting, it is proving very difficult to see past that. Even before this relationship, I was never one to 'make a fuss', particularly when it came to things relating to my own personal welfare, which has often landed me in hot water.

On the whole it has been a fairly calm afternoon/evening. He is now trying to play dad of the year and keeps asking me if I am OK and if I need anything. We seem to be back in the calm phase. I will contact Women's Aid tomorrow though for some advice. I emailed my solicitor this morning but haven't received a reply as yet.

18 years is a very long time and your threshold for abuse has increased undoubtedly.

That is why it is so good to post because we will remind you that this is wholly unacceptable.

I am so glad you are going to contact Women's aid tomorrow.

While you have time, tot down some examples of his behaviour that will help you if you are nervous.

Ask them for advice as to what you might be entitled to in government supports.
Advice on his threat not to pay the morgage.

Ask the solicitor could you take a morgage break until sold?

Just spell it out to both how odious he is being and how he is desperate to bully and intimidate you into staying put.

Post anytime.

You have got this.👍

you will need to check this, but your solicitor might be charging you per email, either read or sent by them, so be careful you don't send too many as your costs might get out of control.

Speak to your mortgage provider about a payment holiday and make them aware of the situation including his threats.

Have you ever made overpayments?

Only use the solicitor for what you absolutely need to. Don't waste money sending him letters that are not legally necessary.

I think you will need to go for mediation or at least book it and explain it's been an abusive relationship and they the write that mediation isn't appropriate so it can be taken to court if he won't agree to a financial split.

@billy1966 Thank you. I have been making notes about all incidents just in case I need to refer to them later. I think I read some advice on another thread about doing this.

The solicitor has advised me to contact the mortgage lender to ask about a payment holiday in the event that H defaults but not to tell him, otherwise he may just sit back and relax and not bother to contribute.

H seems quite outraged at the idea of sorting finances through a solicitor. To him, this means I am planning on 'taking him for every penny'.

You are all right, I do need to be careful about how many emails I am sending. My solicitor said I could email her whenever I wanted and made it sound very free and easy but having worked in the industry I know what it's like! @Pixiedust1234 yes, it's charged per email and phone call.

The solicitor said that once the divorce petition was lodged, she would start drafting a letter to H asking him to voluntarily disclose his assets, so we'll see how that goes down....

I messaged DsD2 last night to see if she wanted to meet up and talk (I have only seen her once since the beginning of June and usually we are close). She said that she is too upset to meet me and that she thinks my boys will never get over us splitting up since she has never got over her parents splitting. She seems quite angry with me although she says I have to do what makes me happy. I feel as though he has turned her against me through all the performative behaviour which was going on whilst he was staying with her.

I suppose I need to just leave it for now and see whether she comes round but it's added another layer of stress to the whole situation because she has always said I'm like a second mum to her and the thought of losing her in all this is devastating.

This is just more of the same from him.

He doesn't care a whit for any of his children.

He is highly abusive.

Honestly I would really not go there.
Of course she wants you to stay with him but she doesn't know just how abusive he is.

Her mother left.

Your loyalty is to your children and getting them away from this dynamic.

I would keep reminding yourself of not wanting your children to end up in abusive relationships.

She is an adult and when this is over I do not think you need to be protecting him.

I would spell out to her EXACTLY how you have been treated.

In the interim I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell her you "understand that this is hard for her, BUT, YOU have been desperately unhappy for YEARS, at his awful treatment of you, and that what is actually best for the boys is that they are no longer growing up witnessing a highly abusive relationship".

She is an adult, she no longer needs protecting from the truth.

This is so hard and you are so brave.

Leaving an abuser is never easy because he wants you there to be his skuvvy and emotional punching bag.

"He had years to treat you with a bit of decency and kindness, he chose NOT to.
YOU are NOT responsible for the consequences of HIS behaviour."

Please keep reminding yourself of this.

And keep posting as it is a great way for you to put order to your thoughts, express your frustrations and is a great diary of your progress, of which you have made great leaps.

This is hard but you have a great life ahead of you.

@billy1966 your post has made me really emotional. I'm having quite a tearful day which is rare, mostly I'm just rabbit-in-headlights-scared. Thank you for the reminders and your supportive message. You are right and to keep hearing it makes it start to stick.

I rang the Women's Aid helpline this morning but the lady I spoke to was less than helpful. I told her that I had filed the divorce petition and that I had a solicitor and she then just kept asking me what I wanted them to do for me because I have done it all already. She talked a lot about the kids and how vulnerable they are and almost implied that because there is no physical dv, I haven't tried hard enough to make it work. I was shocked and panicked because now I'm thinking what if she gets social services involved on behalf of the kids and where does that lead?

I was about to make a report on the 101 website but the same fear has just stopped me. Would social services do anything drastic? I know in my rational mind that it takes a long time to get to the point where they take children away but I'm still worried that they will add to the pressure by questioning my parenting/decision making in all of this.

The problem with trying to stay friendly with his side of the family is that they will always take his side, eventually. Your dsd will have had to put up with her df dumping all his emotional baggage on her, and making himself into a victim. She's probably a bit annoyed at you, as she now has to pick up the reins where your ex is concerned. The last thing any dd wants to hear and deal with is her df crying and whinging for hours on end. Don't take it personally, people are inherently selfish and she's just looking out for herself.

Re Ss, don't worry, you're doing what you can to remove yourself and your dc from this man. They'd be more concerned if you stayed with him

@TooHotToTangoToo you're right. We've just had another argument after I said I was going to a friend's for dinner. I said I would drop in to see the DC who are at MIL's today and he said basically that I couldn't. That things were going to be different with his family. I got drawn into the argument and responded angrily saying that he had certainly been successful at turning DsD2 against me. He said that that's on me. He has tried his hardest to make things work and offered to do anything for me and I am just unwilling to try at all, so his family are understandably upset with me (in his view).

After this argument and my worries about the DC and ss today I told him I wouldn't be going to my friend's house in the end (although it's unbearable here) because I didn't want to give him any ammunition about me 'abandoning' the DC. I'm not sat in the spare room looking at the four walls again and feeling like this is all on me.

*now

Trust me - SS won’t have anything to do with this! I know it’s so hard for you atm, but you will get through this. His behaviour is proving time and again that you’re doing the right thing in divorcing him. ‘He’s tried his hardest to make things work’ ? Well that’s his side of it, he’s not going to admit he’s treated you so badly/ blamed you for everything/called you names/sworn at you/made an exhibition of himself in front of the dc etc etc. Just because HE says something doesn’t make it true - if anything it’s more likely to be rubbish!! So sorry you’re now so afraid that you don’t want to go and visit your friends, even though the dc are with mil? Keep that diary (very hidden!) of how you feel and reread this thread to remind yourself you deserve so much better than this treatment, and so do your children. He drove you to divorce him (like his he did his first wife), he has only himself to blame - but as usual, he wants to blame you. Keep going, you’ll get there 💐

Time to look at finding childcare for "your days" with the DC. His family need to have less opportunity and influence if they are going to run you down.