Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

There is no end to his manipulation is there? He is very very very skilled at it.

He is worried about losing his skivy and emotional punchbag.

This.

Years and years of abuse and he is crying like a baby🙄.

Pure manipulation.

This is not about losing you.

This is all about him, him crying for himself because his emotional punching bag has had enough.

Keep posting OP, @RandomMess has the measure of him🤣

@RandomMess @billy1966 thank you both. I keep thinking people are going to get fed up with me posting with similar news every time but I'm very grateful for the straight talking approach from you.

I've started doing the Freedom Programme online today. It's reminding me a lot of Why Does He Do That? Although not everything fits and there are a lot of things mentioned which are far worse than I've been through.

On the advice of my solicitor I'm going to start the ball rolling with divorce proceedings tomorrow, once I can get a copy of the marriage certificate. It feels like the next hurdle and scarily final but I have to face it. Early next week when we are back from my mum's I will contact some estate agents to get the house valued.

He has tried bullying you into staying, so Mr Nice & remorseful is here, Mr Nasty Bully will return soon enough.

If you stayed imagine how much he would punish you in 6 months time and what he would then to keep you trapped.

Keep on Keeping on

Again I agree with Random, Mr Sobbing will disappear quickly when the divorce papers start.

Do not hesitate to involve the police at the slightest hint of aggression.

He is a nasty pig.

Ring the police at the slightest hint of him kicking off and have him removed from the house.

Let him see you mean business and do not protect people from the truth of him being the nastiness of abusive men for years.

Keep posting, we are here and you are doing brilliantly 👏

@Bluebeanbag sending you strength. What you are doing is going to set you free, but sharing your story on MN might help some other women in the same situation find their nerve. Keep going, brighter days will come again 💐

@billy1966 Years and years of abuse and he is crying like a baby🙄.

Your words were ringing in my ears as I went home yesterday and when I saw him, grimacing, shaking, crying etc, again I just felt furious. It was abundantly clear that despite what he says to the contrary, he is absolutely exhibiting this behaviour in front of the DC. As we left to go to my mum's he was clinging on to them like a drowning man and I couldn't hustle them out fast enough.

DC1 seemed very down and depressed when I arrived at the house but almost as soon as we got in the car his mood changed and he started laughing and joking.

When we arrived at the place we are staying I sat the DC down and had a chat with them. I explained that I was the one who had made the decision to leave their dad and that it wasn't something I had decided upon lightly - it had been years in the making. I also said that although he is their daddy and he loves them very much, he behaves differently towards me as his wife. I said that I had been in therapy for the past 10 years and that we had also been to therapy together to try and fix what was wrong but it hasn't worked. The main point I wanted to get across to DC1 in particular was that, in their own lives, they need to understand that no matter how hard it is, you always have the choice of leaving someone if you are unhappy with them. Doth DCs understood what I was saying I think (although DC2 appears to be slightly oblivious to everything that is going on - I think it's just that he's that bit younger and very wrapped up in the moment).

We then had a lovely evening with my DM and Dsis. Dsis has been in a similar relationship which she escaped from 10 years ago and is a therapist so it was great to chat to her in person about her experiences. Unfortunately, her exP is still a twat and regularly causes her problems by trying to manipulate and control her even now so it looks like I may be in for a similarly long haul. (DC were off playing with their cousin so weren't party to any of this conversation!)

Your eldest will be aware of how he treats and that is probably why he is quiet etc.

KOKO

So today's development is that he has announced he will be staying at the house from now on and won't be going back to stay with his daughter as he feels he 'never gets to see the kids'. I fear I am going to need a lot of strength and courage for this next bit after we get home on Monday. It's going to be unbearable living under the same roof as him indefinitely.

All the more reason to push on the divorce and forcing the house sale.

We said he'd been horrendous, he will never put the DC first.

One "trick" is to say "great that means I can go out in the evenings" as soon as he thinks you may be going out and having fun/dating he'll likely ensure he disappears off every evening.

I am reading quietly as I have nothing to offer except a shoulder and some . You can do this.

Well, it all proves you’re definitely doing the right thing divorcing him. Lawyer up and stay strong!

@RandomMess good idea! I was thinking that in addition, there's nothing to stop me disappearing to a friend's for a few days respite and leaving him to it, since he seems to think he is dad of the century.

I'm going to busy myself getting the house in order and sorting out paperwork and just ignore him as far as possible.

@Bluebeanbag - Grey rock all the way - try not be in the same room as him - just concentrate on getting the divorce started- dont let him get in your head

This is just more of the same abuse, dressed up in his assertion that he now wants to be with the children.

As has been said, don't rise to it, use it.

Be very enthusiastic about him finally stepping up.

Start making plans to be out and going away for the weekend asap.

He will back away from this faster than a fire.

All he wants is to apply pressure on you to pile it on as the snivelling hasn't worked.

A valuation asap.

Remember OP, the first hint of aggression involve the police.

The very hint of it.

You are leaving an highly abusive relationship and the police will be well used to this.

Bully's like him don't like the police and neighbours knowing who they really are.

Be prepared to up the anty by sharing a public light on his behaviour.

You are doing so well.

Make sure he's left to deal with weekdays - getting them to and from school, making them dinners etc.

Sit down and say we need to do agree who is doing which days and evening- a 2 3 2 schedule works well.

Oh of course you will be shopping and cooking separately for the DC from now on and he needs to do 50% of their laundry etc.

Remember you can live in the same house and claim UC as a single parent. Who claims the child benefit for them?

And since you are now essentially living as roommates, there is no need to do his laundry, food shop for him, clean up after him, etc. His manipulative twatness gets zero benefits while living under the same roof as you.

Op make sure that when you are at your mates, he doesn't claim abandonment to keep the kids and the house. He's a sneaky planner me thinks

@2022NewTimes getting the divorce started is my first priority. My solicitor says that it is currently taking roughly 26 weeks from start to finish to finalise a divorce. That feels like a very long time to be living under the same roof so I plan to make the application tomorrow when I get home and get it started ASAP.

@RandomMess the child benefit is in my name but it goes into our joint account currently. On the whole he did his fair share of the housework previously, although he has done nothing since this has all started because he is 'too depressed' and has no energy or motivation to do household tasks. I'll be making sure I am thinking only of the DC though from a point of view of practical living.

@Guiltypleasures001 I hadn't thought of this. I agree with you - I also think he is sneaky and I don't trust him at all. I am convinced he has hidden away money recently because he was earning an absolute fortune at the beginning of this year and we haven't spent that much, but he is now saying he can't afford the mortgage. On one occasion I caught him looking at his phone with an amount of £21,900 showing on the screen but I know he doesn't have this much in any accounts which I know of. Yesterday he also changed his Google password. I used to do all his invoices for work for him and save them on his Google drive but I have no access to that now he has changed his password.

Change the CB to be paid into your solo account and inform them that you are the primary carer and not to move it to your ex without your agreement or a CAO to show otherwise.

Put in a claim for UC, you may or may to get anything - probably depends on whether you use childcare.

You could call his bluff about him not affording the mortgage and tell him to use the savings he has in his account as it's all a marital asset.

Tell your solicitor that he is likely hiding money.

A good forensic accountant is worth every penny.

They have the skills to find money you couldn't imagine would be hidden away, so the obvious accounts are very straightforward.

You need to get EVERYTHING you are entitled to.

As he is self employed he is set up to hide money.

Quite likely he already had savings account you didn't know about.

The sobbing and emotional manipulation- clear he's using it to try and buy time to hide everything and fleece you dry.

Well fuck me, nasty H is back.

The DC and I returned this afternoon and at first he was all helpful, offering to cook dinner, bringing in the washing, getting DC2 ready for bed etc.

As we have no prospect of going away anywhere again for the rest of the holidays I thought I would broach the subject of some ground rules for living together under these new conditions. I suggested that we work out a rota whereby we take it in turns to be responsible for the DC. He point blank refused. He said he had given me my space already (for the past month) by sleeping on other people's sofas and he wasn't going to be leaving the house any more. He said I had been completely selfish and not considered his feelings once, instead I had taken the DC off without telling him (not true) and gone on lots of 'holidays' with them and had been having fun while he was contemplating suicide. He then said he would take the DC away without telling me and see how I liked it.

I tried to explain that the reason I took the DC away so much was to keep them distracted and away from the depressing atmosphere of the house but he said that they were sad in the house because daddy wasn't there and they were missing him. He said that I am the one who is making them sad because he is willing to do anything to solve our marriage problems but I just want to cause them pain by ending the marriage.

He said I have mental problems and I am a bit doolally because I claim that his behaviour is intimidating. He said that nobody could ever get angry with me because I'm such a delicate little flower who gets scared so easily. I said that if he continued to be intimidating I would call the police, at which point he called me a fucking bitch.

And so it went on for a while, round and round in circles until I said I'm done with this conversation and went up to the spare room.

I was in a bit of a panic following all this and didn't really know what to do so I rang a friend who has calmed me down again and he came and apologised for calling me a name. I wasn't brave enough to call the police because I just feel silly doing it. He upsets me but I don't feel as though he would ever actually be violent. It's all about the mind games.

I probably need to speak to my solicitor about an non-mol order tomorrow though.