Plucking up the courage to leave.

[Bluebeanbag]

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my own life. For years I've known that something wasn't right but he has always successfully convinced me that I was the one at fault. At the beginning I told myself that the massive rows were part and parcel of being with someone with such a fiery temperament (and the making-up sex was so good!). I tried to absorb all the negativity for the sake of the family. I told myself that he couldn't help it; that he was damaged. But i am finally starting to see things for what they are - that he is an angry and controlling man who manipulates me into believeing that my actions are selfish and I am an 'evil bitch'. I actually feel as though I'm going crazy sometimes because he is so convincing.

So on the basis of what i have read here, my own gut feelings and some straight talking from a friend, I have decided I cannot stay any longer. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get some advice about the DC and house (mortgaged together) but I need to know what questions I should ask, please. I haven't told him yet - I am utterly paralysed by fear of how he will react. He has never been physically violent towards me but his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times. Alternatively, he can sometimes go down the route of hurting himself and threatening suicide which is almost worse.

The guilt is awful. That's the way we women are programmed. I hope you can work on that and emotionally detach from him. You are creating a better life for you and your children. (I've been though what you are going through.)

His life is no longer anything to do with you and his performative emotional devastation is all about him going "poor me, poor me".

If he'd been a decent person in the first place you wouldn't be divorcing him.

Men like your STBX really think that we will put up with their shitty behaviour for ever. When we finally say NO MORE it's comes as a complete shock to them. I expect he's shitting himself at the prospect of having to step up and act like a adult who is entirely responsible for the situation he finds himself in.

Keep your eyes on the prize: a whole new life without him.

You're all so right. It's been easier to recognise his behaviour patterns than my own. I had a very angry and controlling father so it's been ingrained in me my whole life and can be very hard to spot. Thank you for the objective clarity.

It's been a tough day again today. I went to see MIL who was very silent, sad and upset with me. I don't think she was particularly blaming me but just feeling regret. She gave me a big hug as I left which made me feel there was no animosity there (although it can be hard to tell sometimes!)

I drove the DC 40 mins to see H and when I picked them up again he asked to speak to me privately about DC1. He said DC1 is very sad and told him that he wanted him to come home again. He said he thinks DC1 will be adversely affected by this for the rest of his life as he is at a sensitive age. I really feel manipulated again and that he is using the DC to play on my guilt.

I am just so frustrated with the whole thing. He spoke about DC1 for about 2 minutes and then switched the subject to 'please give me another chance, I promise I will change'. I got really angry and swore at him and then walked away after telling him I wasn't going to keep going over the same ground.

Yes I used to get these messages about DC so sad they just want us to be together...funny that they never said it to me!

All the "promising to change" bullshit is totally infuriating. For one thing, it suggest that their horrible behaviour has been a choice all along (it has).

They will say anything in order to inveigle their way back, and as we all know, they put on a mask for a while then revert to their same awful behaviours.

A man who is at the point of losing control is at their most manipulative (and dangerous if they are that way inclined). It's ALL lies.

Stop engaging with him. It's hard, I know.

OP have you started anything legally? If you haven't then I think your husband sees this as him still being able to salvage your relationship/manipulate you to change your mind.

Your children will remember how you deal with this situation. They'll remember how you were the stable, understanding parent who put their needs first and him as the parent who used them as a weapon to hurt you.

Everyone needs to stop putting up with his childish behaviour, his sisters included, he's a grown man who should be able to regulate his own emotions for the sake of his children. Its all a tactic to label you as the bad guy.

Don't forget that behind his broken facade, he is still the man you say 'his words can feel like being punched in the face and absolutely destroy me at times'. Keep going 💐

He is a really manipulative, game playing piece of work isn’t he? He knows your kind and loving nature so well, and which buttons to push - but you stand firm! See him for what he is - just like your father, angry and controlling. This is your time as an adult to break free from the cycle of abuse, and show your children that you will do what you need to do to protect them and yourself. Show them how unacceptable and abhorrent his behaviour has been, continues to be, and will continue to be. Stay safe, and consult a solicitor soon!

Thank you all.

I have had two appointments with a solicitor and have another scheduled for Wednesday. When I last spoke to her she suggested that once we got back from our trip it was time to discuss the lie of the land and start divorce proceedings. The longer all this goes on the more I want to get it all done and dusted. I am sick and tired of his nonsense and the children need some stability and routine in their lives as quickly as possible. My intention is to instruct her to start proceedings and then contact an estate agent to get the house valued as soon as I can next week.

I think I have been floundering a bit with the practical things because I've felt so overwhelmed by having to cope with the emotional baggage. It's time to get focused now and do what needs to be done.

I would get 3 valuations and ask them to quote at actual selling price rather than an aspirational asking price.

@RandomMess I have an agent in mind who previously valued the house for us and is known locally to be reliable and experienced, but I will certainly be getting at least 3 valuations. Thanks for the tip about asking for the actual selling price.

I think the courts/his solicitor would insist on 3.

Are you going to have to sell or would you be able to buy him out?

Of course they would. I hadn't thought of that. He has said to me that I will have to deal with the sale of the house on my own because he can't face it.

I can't afford to buy him out, but I'm not sure I would want to anyway. There is a lot of our history tied up in our house. I feel as though I want to make a clean break.

We are back home now. I've left him with the kids for a few days and gone to stay at a friend's house. We had a conversation this morning where he promised he was going to change (again). He was crying and begging but I pointed out (again) that he is still not listening or respecting my wishes which, for me, proves that he cannot change and is still wrapped up in his own self-obsession. He might have started to finally listen and agreed to leave me alone, but we will see if that actually happens.

He asked what the next steps were and I said we need to get estate agents round to value the house. He reiterated that he can't be part of the sale of the house because he doesn't want it and therefore it will be up to me to sort it all out. He also asked if I was going to divorce him and I said yes, at which he crumbled and started crying again. It's so hard to stay strong in the face of this but I know I have to keep going. I've got counselling tonight and an appointment with the solicitor tomorrow. I am away visiting my mum with the DC this weekend but early next week I will get on with sorting out the house and contacting estate agents. It's hard to balance what needs to be done because I feel that keeping the DC busy and away from the family home for now has had to take priority.

🙄

Just urgh trying all the tricks to get you to stop.

I am going to read this thread again and my lists of his behaviour, because I feel wobbly today. I feel as though his words are wearing away at my resolve. Maybe I'm just tired after a long drive yesterday.

Do not cave.

His first wife divorced for a reason.

He has been shitty for YEARS

He is treating his adult children awfully

He is still treating you and your DC awfully

It's an act nothing more.

@RandomMess thank you. You are right. I'm glad you're there to make sure I remember this. It's really helping me stay on track.

I have just finished counselling and it's so useful to be able to recognise my own unhelpful behaviours in all this. It's not that I'm beating myself up about it, but I get pulled in by the part of him which is a lost little boy and recognising that pull makes me less susceptible to it. It's not my job to compensate for whatever went wrong with his relationship with his mother.

I have ignored my own voice and needs for so long that it feels slightly alien and wrong to now be paying attention to these things. I am by myself for the next two days while he spends some time with the DC, so I will start trying to listen to my own needs and wants.

Actually, it felt quite liberating this morning to say to him as I left - you'll have to go shopping because there is no food in the house (normally I would organise everything for the DC on behalf of him).

Well done OP telling him to go shopping.

A taste of his new reality.

He has been a truly vile abusive man for years.

There is nothing sadder than reading tha anguish and regret from posters that caved.

Stay strong, freedom awaits you.

You are doing brilliantly- keep on this track. Well done 💝

You are an inspiration ❤️

Sorry posted in the wrong place as meant to start a new thread. Have asked mumsnet to remove. Can’t find a delete or edit fuction

@MidSummersNightmare don't worry. I was just reading your post and thinking how exactly a lot of what you said is so familiar to me. Saying the DC should be a bit scared of him so they do as he says. Getting what he wants by shouting. Being able to argue about everything, even things he knows nothing about (like my job for example). Hope you manage to get your own thread set up and get some help from these lovely people on MN.

@Stormchaser1502 thank you ❤️ I hope my experiences can help others. The thing that has struck me over and over through all of this is how many women are in the same situation. It's deeply worrying to me and makes me wonder what our society is doing wrong that so many men behave like this.

So I have been staying at a friend's house for the past 3 days (she is away so I have the house to myself) and heading home again tomorrow to pack for a weekend away with the DC near my mum and sister.

He called me this morning despite promising on Tuesday to leave me alone and sobbed down the phone to me. I felt awful but had arranged to meet someone for breakfast this morning so chatting to her got me back on track. He is really ramping up the pressure on the emotional side of things but I am determined not to cave in.

I have decided I need to have a chat with the DC this weekend because I am concerned that all this victim performance will give them a skewed picture of the situation. I need to word things carefully so as to be age appropriate and not over share but also, I don't want him being able to accuse me of bad-mouthing him or for them to resent me.

I'm getting stressed about facing him again tomorrow 😕