The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

[Battleneck]

"The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard."

IMHO - man was not unreasonable for making a comment, but was VERY UNREASONABLE for making a comment about weight (not least as you run 5k every evening for all he knows and you need to eat like a pig to maintain weight.) You were not unreasonable for being a bit snarky, and you wouldn't have been unreasonable even if his original comment was a little less shitty. He is a complete arsehole for his final comment.

"a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)"

IMHO Man not particularly unreasonable for the question (so many people wear shirts for fashion and it rightfully annoys "real fans"), but I strongly suspect that there was a big element of sexism that he challenged you. I bet he wouldn't have challenged a man. And if you (ie him in this case) try to be a smart-arse and get outsmarted / called out then you really should apologise. Mumbling and walking off when you are the one that initiated the chat is pathetic.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

@brokenbiscuitsx . Can I just say that "Thanks for your comment, random man" is the comeback I have been searching for forever.

They are just entitled blokes. Women are expected to suck it up and titter back politely. You don't do that. Sounds like you don't need any help from us, you're doing just fine. I hear you though, it gets right on my tits.

I may go and get your comeback line printed on a t shirt though.

[LuckyC27]

When I was younger and working as a receptionist an older man said to me on his way out your a very pretty girl but too pale you would look much nicer if you got out in the sun more 😐 I was in shock and didn’t know what to say my older female colleague said she likes being a vampire and he just looked at her and walked off. I’m not particularly pale I just don’t use fake tan or let myself fry in the sun! Love your response and would so use that now.

[Battleneck]

@LadyCatStark

I have a naturally miserable face 😂 and I always get, “smile, it might never happen!”

1) Why would I be wandering through Aldi car park with a huge smile on my face and
2) what if it already has happened?

Yeah, but to be fair "smile, it might never happen" is both hilarious and original so you really should be dragging them home to the bed they've laughed you into.

[ComDummings]

Ugh it’s annoying. Happens less now but a few weeks ago I was walking my children to school so I was in a rush and feeling a bit stressed plus I have a natural RBF. Some bloke shouted ‘smile love, it can’t be that bad.’ I just give the most fake sarcastic smile to him then went back to my usual grumpy face. Why did me looking stressed bother him enough to make a comment? While I was with my children. I know it wasn’t a sexual comment but still it was really rude, I would never dream of commenting on someone like that. If it was genuine concern for someone if they look upset then yeah ask ‘are you OK?’

[DrSbaitso]

@Saidtoomuch

I never engaged with them. Just blank them.
Is it what they call "game", where they fancy you but throw you a sort of insult, and you are supposed to fawn after them seeking their approval

No, thats negging. I truly thought it went out of fashion in 1998 but apparently not.

"Game" is actually being charming and flirtatious, with someone who welcomes it.

[evtheria]

I wish I was brave enough to do that! So sick of RCM and sometimes get the urge to just hiss at them like a cat, just to freak them out.

[Walkingthedog46]

The day after my husband died, my daughter suggested we go out for a coffee just to get out of the house for a break. As she was getting the drinks, a man walked by and said to me - “you look like you could do with a smile, luv”. If only he knew ……….

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

I've had men square up to me before.

I'm not advocating it, but I've squared up back in the past with a "Yeah?". They backed off pretty quickly.

[Anordinarymum]

It's because they are from Mars.

They don't really understand woman at all.

You just SMILE

[Battleneck]

@LuckyC27

When I was younger and working as a receptionist an older man said to me on his way out your a very pretty girl but too pale you would look much nicer if you got out in the sun more 😐 I was in shock and didn’t know what to say my older female colleague said she likes being a vampire and he just looked at her and walked off. I’m not particularly pale I just don’t use fake tan or let myself fry in the sun! Love your response and would so use that now.

"I found that when I used to make an effort to get a tan the sorts of men I attracted were superficial, rude, unattractive and not that bright so I stopped".

[DrSbaitso]

IMHO - man was not unreasonable for makingacomment, but was VERY UNREASONABLE for making a comment about weight (not least as you run 5k every evening for all he knows and you need to eat like a pig to maintain weight.)

What unsolicited comment from a random man about a woman's choice of food would be ok to make?

[Cherrypies]

I was coming back from a walk with my dog, this bloke walked past me, said 'that's a funny looking rabbit's
Eh? What? Must have had a look on my face, as he said 'only joking'
What's the joke?
Idiot

[Ohfuckitall]

I also like 'thanks for your comment random man'

The thing I particularly hate about this is way you women are expected to be appreciative of these comments .

If I were wearing a fan or slogan t-shirt though I wouldn't mind someone commenting on it and opening a conversation, unless he was trying to catch me out like your guy.

[Flyingantday]

@Taliskerskye

I’m actually going to use
Thanks for your comment random man in the future

Me too, you’re a legend OP

[evtheria]

@DrSbaitso Being reasonable here: “Oh nice choice, the blueberry muffins here are great” etc? I used to work in a cafe so I’ve heard all the comments, and there are not-rude ones (even if you’d rather no stranger spoke to you at all).

[Battleneck]

@ComDummings

Ugh it’s annoying. Happens less now but a few weeks ago I was walking my children to school so I was in a rush and feeling a bit stressed plus I have a natural RBF. Some bloke shouted ‘smile love, it can’t be that bad.’ I just give the most fake sarcastic smile to him then went back to my usual grumpy face. Why did me looking stressed bother him enough to make a comment? While I was with my children. I know it wasn’t a sexual comment but still it was really rude, I would never dream of commenting on someone like that. If it was genuine concern for someone if they look upset then yeah ask ‘are you OK?’

To be fair - and I'm not advocating it - it is easy to look and feel a bit sad as you idly think about things, and then "cheer up" when an intrusion breaks the spell.

If that's the intention then something a bit more original and that doesn't involving using pet names on strangers might be more appropriate. I can't particularly think of what one might say instead, which probably suggests saying nothing is the best option.

[Chickenyhead]

I always think "would they say that to a man?"

Of course they wouldn't. I never, ever hear this between men, unless it's about some poor woman's arse they all like.

[Maggiesfarm]

@Taliskerskye

I’m actually going to use
Thanks for your comment random man in the future

Me too. Or 'random person'.

[OoglyMoogly]

@Battleneck

“IMHO - man was not unreasonable for making a comment“

Erm, yes he was totally unreasonable! Nothing to do with him even if OP had decided to eat a whole cream gateau!

No one has a right to dictate what total strangers do!

Maybe you should stop letting misogynists off the hook?

[Battleneck]

@DrSbaitso

IMHO - man was not unreasonable for makingacomment, but was VERY UNREASONABLE for making a comment about weight (not least as you run 5k every evening for all he knows and you need to eat like a pig to maintain weight.)

What unsolicited comment from a random man about a woman's choice of food would be ok to make?

"The blueberry muffins are great here"... "good choice, I might get the same" something like that maybe?

I think that it is completely unreasonable for a human being - a social animal - to expect to spend time in public amongst others and never have others seeking to interract with you. It is equally unreasonable for another human being to - be rude, use pet names on strangers and not take the hint when the other person makes it clear that they aren't interested in interraction.

[Thistletime]

I find thanking them for whatever comment they've made then fixing eye contact while smiling and saying nothing more generally serves to make them scurry away. Maybe I'm terrifying though.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

Thanks, I will also use this line in future!

[lottiegarbanzo]

Good response.

I'd (like to) have replied to his 'no need to be so rude', 'No there wasn't was there, random man'.

You do have a to bit careful about escalating, as they can become violent. But in a public place, with someone who is just talking, I think I would.

How can you ask 'does anyone else get this' and be in your 30s though? Almost every woman gets this at some time.

It is interesting how invisible the practice is to other people in the vicinity though. How little any of us notices it happening to others, at the time. It's always disguised as interpersonal chit chat, isn't it.

Hmm. I'm a bit tempted to pretend to be hearing-impaired next time. 'What was that? Did you say '.........', and who are you?' at the top of my voice.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

it is easy to look and feel a bit sad as you idly think about things, and then "cheer up" when an intrusion breaks the spell.

Why should anyone have to look a certain way? Are we all under an obligation not to look miserable in public, and should be reminded if we've forgotten?