The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

[beigebrownblue]

Otherwise I confuse them by asking back:

'Have you seen the film Paddington?

'Yes' or 'No' or 'Why'...

Me: Paddington Bear has this 'hard stare' that he gives people who have forgotton their manners

And then give him the Paddington 'stare' for several seconds...

[fluffedup]

This reminds me of the woman who opened up two Dove soaps in individual boxes. I think I may have read this on MN.

They were a limited issue - one soap had 'SMILE' printed on it, the other had 'LOVE'.

Her first thought was that if she had had another four soaps and opened them all together, would they read SMILE LOVE IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN.

[riotlady]

I hate it! And the “jokes”! I was sitting on a park bench with a couple of friends the other day and a man walked up to us and asked “did someone order a stripper?”. We just looked at him blankly and said “no” and he walked off complaining about us having no sense of humour. Not our fault you’re not funny, mate!

[BashfulClam]

I used to have a t shirt that said ‘I’m busy, you’re ugly, have a nice day!’ I want it back.

[faithfulbird20]

No YANBU. In fact your comment has put a smile on my face today! More women need to do this...

[Wheatfromchaff]

God yes, random man comments. Why?
As a size 6 stick like teen a random man stopped me on the street to share the wisdom that I'd 'get fat' if I ate those. Those being a bag of chocolate raisins. I was embarrassed into putting them in my bag. Next street another random man told me to 'eat something', as in his opinion I was too thin. Well, perhaps if the first random man hadn't been so rude about my snack I might have

Other notables 'Sparrow legs' yelled from the other side of the street, and 'Tits', yup, women have those.
I am enjoying being old and invisible. Random men no longer bother with me.

[Millymog]

"Why do they do it?"

i am guessing the men who do it either consciously or subconsciously are in "chat up" mode when they do it.
Obviously chatting up a woman who is already smiling when they first see her is much easier than chatting up a woman who is not smiling - so they try to get a smile out of you for their own purposes and nothing to do with you. it is clumsy and as you say can be very annoying especially if something unpleasant is going on in your life (because it then feels even more "all-about-them")

I guess there might be a third category of men who do it maliciously (i.e they have or had miserable women in their personal life so if they ever see a woman who is not smiling they can't help but take it out on them)

[Bloodypunkrockers]

I love that response OP

I've usually just said "Sorry, did you say something". If they repeat it, I say "sorry I'm not understanding". They mumble and disappear

But I do like the random man reply

(Or just - fuck off)

[leakymcleakleak]

Do you have an 'open' kind of face OP? Are you someone people ask for directions? I had a conversation years ago with a group of female friends about general sexual harassment, and was really surprised two of the group had experienced almost nothing, whereas myself and one other person got a lot. The only way I can describe it is both of them have very stern, no-bullshit manners about them, and my friend and I are the kind of people who are described as 'friendly-looking.' Now as it happens I will scream/swear/make a scene as the opportunity requires, but I guess these people have a type they go for that they subconsciously think look more approachable.

I also love 'thank you for your common random man'. Lockdown has provided a blissful release of all these comments, I wonder if as I return to work more aged and haggard they'll have dropped off at all.

[godmum56]

@Scrunchies

“Smile sweetheart”

GAAAAAAH annoys me immensely. My dad is one of these and frequently tells me I’m in a mood or sulking when it’s just my normal face. Then I am pissed off.

"Fuck off asshole" works for me

[Wavypurple]

A few years ago I was sat outside a cafe with a (female, I should add. Doubt he would’ve spoken to me had they been male) friend and a man a few tables over interrupted us mid conversation to comment on how I was wearing too much mascara and that it gave the appearance that my eyes were glued together
I replied that I liked the way it looked and he said that a lot of ‘people’ prefer the natural look. Instead of telling him to fuck off (there were children around) I just said that I don’t make every decision in my life to please random men.
Incredibly he carried on interrupting our conversations the whole time we were there. From about three metres away.

[Saidtoomuch]

I never engaged with them. Just blank them.
Is it what they call "game", where they fancy you but throw you a sort of insult, and you are supposed to fawn after them seeking their approval

[FranklySonImTheGaffer]

I'm going to steal your response OP - I have 2 standard ones depending on how rude the man is and how pissed off I am. It's either 'I don't know you - don't talk to me' or 'thanks for that creepy stranger' because I read somewhere that if a man and woman argue in public, people are more likely to intervene if they know that you're strangers and a previous 'smile love' conversation ended with a man pinning me against a wall so I get a little nervy now.

As for why they do it - partly because they are raised to think they are entitled to a conversation with you and if you don't want to talk to them you're miserable / rude / a cow and partly because they don't see a woman as fully human and genuinely believe this kind of interaction should be welcomed by us and we should be pleased they are letting us know how to make ourselves more attractive to other men by reminding us not to get fat / smoke / to smile.

[WorriedWishingWell]

It's interesting that even the most innocuous of push backs to these tossers means the woman is being rude or a "stroppy cow".
Now I'm beyond child bearing age I'm completely invisible

[Chickenyhead]

It's not just the sparky comments though is it?

I mean I find it creepy when strange men comment on my smile or approve of me in some way. I actively avoid it by dressing down and avoiding eye contact.

It's like they genuinely believe their opinion of a stranger means something. We should be glad to be rated. Nah. I'm ok.

I think I may have said something like...Will getting fat stop you talking to me?

Wanker.

[TiredButDancing]

I've thought about this a lot because I think women do also make random comments but with men it is horrible. And I have worked out it's because when men make these random comments that they think/claim are them just being friendly, there is always a negative element to the interaction.

eg, a woman standing behind you in the line seeing you get a muffin and wanting to make some random chit chat might say, "ooh, that looks nice. I might have to get one". If we notice and were to comment on someone's clothing/looks, it would be on the positive side - "I love your shoes, where did you get them as I'd love a pair".

But with men, it's always a case of them telling a woman what to do/think/look like etc. So they get all insulted if we don't respond well because they tell themselves they're just "making conversation" but the rest of us are fully aware that what they're really doing is getting annoyed because we're not behaving in the way they like - whether that's in what we're eating, how happy we are, how we look etc. It's INFURIATING.

Agree with a PP as well re dog walking - I exchange pleasant and friendly greetings with lots of dog walkers, male and female, but it's always the men who want to stop for a full long chat and I somehow am the rude one because I want to keep walking with my dog. When I'm out on a walk. For exercise.

[Charlieiscool]

When you turn 40 you’re labelled a Karen if you don’t simper with gratitude.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

I've had "Cheer up love, might never happen" and my response is "Well, I've got an entitled twat telling me how to arrange my face, so it already has".

Shuts them right up, usually. Sometimes I get the "Well, there's no need for that, it was just a comment" to which I reply " Then I suggest you keep your unsolicited comments to yourself in future".

They don't expect you to bite back but I refuse to let the wankers win!

[Grimacingfrog]

@WorriedWishingWell

It's interesting that even the most innocuous of push backs to these tossers means the woman is being rude or a "stroppy cow".
Now I'm beyond child bearing age I'm completely invisible

Yep, me too.

It shows it isn't misplaced humour or friendliness, otherwise they'd do it to older women too. It's some weird, sexual peacocking with a power play thrown in for good measure.

Loving some of these responses.

[BlingLoving]

But with men, it's always a case of them telling a woman what to do/think/look like etc. So they get all insulted if we don't respond well because they tell themselves they're just "making conversation" but the rest of us are fully aware that what they're really doing is getting annoyed because we're not behaving in the way they like - whether that's in what we're eating, how happy we are, how we look etc. It's INFURIATING.

I'll add to this. DH does sometimes think I'm rude because even though he's actively interested in feminism and deplores the way women are treated overall, he isn't as attuned to the way in which these random comments are aimed at women or the expectations of women (from men). Which makes it all the harder to combat because if even men like DH can only spot it when it's super blatant, what chance do we have of getting other men to ever change their behaviour!? They'll just continue to bleat that they're just trying to be friendly. I did once ask him, after I had eventually had to be a bit rude to extricate myself from some old man who wouldn't stop talking, whether he would have been okay being late because a random stranger wanted to give his opinion on something. Which did make him think a bit, but it certainly wasn't an instinctive understanding on his part.

[username18702]

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts
Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

Fully agree.

When I was in my 20s it was the golden age of whistling, leering and shouty builders, bibbing cars etc and I used to tell them to fuck off. Now I can't be arsed and wear headphones. Just be careful OP. I'm all for telling the twats to fuck off but watch out they don't get aggressive. I've had men square up to me before.

[Millymog]

"Now I'm beyond child bearing age I'm completely invisible"

The really insidious thing is the fact that society has managed to push messages to women that they do "become invisible" after child bearing age and that "being invisible" means your worth to society is so much less and women above a certain age are on the "scrap heap".

Reading the news or looking at social media seems to reinforce the above so much, even if you are intelligent enough to try to take a different view it is almost impossible to avoid the above agenda.

[IncessantNameChanger]

All genders and types of random humans talk to me without reason or knowing me. I presume some are innocent interactions?

I have far, far more aggressive female strangers being abusive to me. Normally over my disabled child. I dont think any man has ever questioned me using disabled facilities or my childs appearance or behavior but I have had more univitedaggresive comments from females than I can count on my fingers and toes.

Sometimes it's a human thing.

[90sHomeAndAwayFan]

God, I get this all the time! Men making random comments or thinking they can give me unsolicited advice.

I was walking the dog through the local park the other day when a man walked towards me and as he came nearer he said 'What are you looking at?' clearly designed to intimidate me. I wasn't even looking at him, just looking forward in the direction I was walking in, you know, as you do. I told him to 'mind his own fucking business'

I am getting less and less tolerant of male privilege as I get older!

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

@DrSbaitso

A couple of times when I've had the "cheer up" and "smile" comments, I've opened my eyes very wide to serial killer proportions and leaned forward at them, staring and resolutely not smiling. I have very large and sunken eyes and honestly, it can look terrifying. And they got properly alarmed and backed off. Fuckers.

I love that! I do a good evil-death-stare* face so will use that in future.

*I am evil enough to have used it now and then on kids endlessly noisily whingeing behind me in supermarket queues. Works a treat, and all they can say is, ‘Mummy, that lady looked at me!’ 😈