What's the most wanky thing you have ever done?!

[lardylegs123]

I cringe when I think of this. First year of university, and I was studying Languages. I'm from a working class, Scottish family and was the first ever to go to university. Mother's Day comes and I thought it would be a nice idea to write out the card entirely in the languages I've been studying I thought mum would be so impressed, but she just looked at me and said 'but Lardylegs, I cannae understand a word'.
I think I was too busy being a pretentious dick, that I'd forgotten about this mere detail

When I was 16 I moved from the Midlands to the north. At 6th form I took on the persona of a "Sloany" (someone from Sloane Square in London), wearing my collar up and pearl earings, and long floaty flowery skirts and saying "Yah" instead of yes. I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea

When I was 12 I choreographed a dance routine (with costumes) to the entire The Velvet Underground and Nico album with some other kids in our street (who pretty much didn’t know what was going on), then made the woman next door sit through it all. I sometimes still wake up in a sweat thinking about how pretentious it was (and how inappropriate)

@Purplecatshopaholic I met Fish at Reading festival back in the 1980’s he was really lovely.

A few years before that I was experimenting with fashion. I went out in skin tight jeans wearing my dads shirt hanging out smock style and one of his tie’s. He looked at me as if to say wtf? And he was right.

@ShinySquirrel

I named my dwarf hamster Aristotle.

That's a great name for a hamster.

I used to have a mockney as a teen, but it was rather precarious.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

"The wankiest thing I ever did (and there were many) was to affect writing 'seven' with a french slash. It stuck and I now can't write them the normal English way."

I don't think that's wanky, but only because I worked in a hospital lab before it was computerised and we had to ensure our numbers were very clearly written. Putting the slash on the 7 very clearly delineated it from being a 1, especially if they also put the flick at the top of the 1.

I also use the continental 7. I agree with you re the clarity of it (also an ex hcp)

I was about 8. At the time I had a luminous star chart on my bedroom wall, which I loved, and learned all the constellation names from it.

Around the same time someone gave me a little toy bear and I named it Ursa Minor. embarrassed

My robot hoover is called Sebastian.

Nominated for classics

One of the women I used to know when I lived overseas was being very snooty to the other women in the social group by using one-upmanship and reminding anyone who asked that she had a PhD in inorganic chemistry from a very good university here in Britain. This lady would let everyone know her academic past even down to wearing a Christmas jumper that read 'Oh Chemistree' for parties and would generally act as though she was the fount of all knowledge and superior which was very wanky and pretentious. She got her come-uppance one day at a baby shower when one of the other women, a Canadian doctor/surgeon then asked her about the papers she had published and the illustrious academic or industry career she had enjoyed. Turns out this woman's PhD had been privately paid for by Daddy and she had done nothing with it, never worked a day in her life and was using it as a club to beat the other ladies over the head with when she tried to lord it over them at the PTA. The Canadian doctor said 'Oh, so it was a MRS degree' before turning away. Good to see someone so wanky being out-wanked by a doctor who was usually the least wanky person around!

@ufucoffee

Someone I went to school with married an army officer and moved down south. A couple of years later we bumped into her in the local pub and her accent had completely changed from a very broad northern working class one to a very posh accent. It was hilarious. I'd say that was the wankiest thing she'd ever done. Hopefully

That's very common when women marry officers, a teacher in our military school married one and returned about 4 years later, she sounded like the Queen Mother. There's enormous pressure to fit in to that environment, when a man went for promotion from the ranks his wife was also assessed, we knew at least one SNCO who didn't get commissioned because of his wife! Not agreeing, just saying.

I love how Scottish accents take over I'm half scouse, half Scottish and switch so easily

I remember a French student teacher arriving in our Central Scotland school for a term to improve his English. He left speaking fluent Scottish including 'Do you ken this guy' and 'ye dinnae want to do that' I often wonder if there are some French people out there speaking English with a Scottish accent

@seepingweeping
My Eufy is named Eugene

@SmugglersHaunt

When I was 12 I choreographed a dance routine (with costumes) to the entire The Velvet Underground and Nico album with some other kids in our street (who pretty much didn’t know what was going on), then made the woman next door sit through it all. I sometimes still wake up in a sweat thinking about how pretentious it was (and how inappropriate)

Oh we have had to sit through loads of 'plays' put on by our grandchildren and make sure we were watching or we got 'Grandma, you're not paying attention'! Now they're far too old and sophisticated I almost miss them, so I wouldn't worry.

I used an ice cream scoop to serve mashed potato when DH and I were first living together and had his parents and siblings over for dinner. God knows why....instantly turned a perfectly decent roast into school dinners!

@Cheeeesecake that’s really quite wanky but also very sweet 😻

Sent a bunch of flowers to a friend who was recovering from surgery. I was in a hurry and picked a €200 bunch instead of a €20.

She sent me a photograph with the most enormous bunch of flowers I’ve ever seenwith a WTF caption. When I went to visit I was explaining the mix up and her MIL who didn’t know me or my financial position piped up and asked “how did you not notice you spent €200 instead of €20?!” And I flippantly replied, complete with a wave of my hand “ah it’s because I never really notice the prices” what a wanker

In sixth form I kept a folder of my poetry and philosphical musings. Given that I have no literary ability, hadn't read any philosphy and spent most of my time drinking cider in the park with my friends I didn't have a huge amount of insight to share. When my parents cleared out my room that was the first to the recyling centre!

I once heard my SIL complain about something in a shop and shout out “do you not know who I’m married to?” at the poor woman inside the till.

This is a fake wankery, but I did it. I was browsing property porn and asked for more details on a massive country estate, which arrived in the post practically leatherbound and on a velvet cushion. I had a good nose through it, then bunged it into the recycling. About a week later, my phone rang. It was the estate agent, enquiring if I'd like to make an appointment for a viewing.

I was a bit taken aback, but tried to rally. 'Oh, I'm not really sure, it depends on my husband's work' (my then boyfriend was a caretaker at a local school) 'It's difficult to commit to things at the moment, I'm not sure where he'll be posted (Yr9 toilets most likely)' Estate agent was getting more & more pushy about me arranging a viewing, and the longer the conversation went on, the posher and posher my voice got. I could tell he wasn't going to take no for an answer, so I said confidentially 'I'm just not sure it's the right house for us, really.' 'Oh, why not?'
'These things are just SO subjective, aren't they? It was the stables. I couldn't see they offered enough space for the horses.'

Said goodbye, and went out onto the patio to put the scooter in the shed

My Liberty points card has my title as Dr

The reason this is wanky is not only because I'm NOT a doctor but is because I didn't like any of the titles on the drop down list

I nearly went for Brigadier

Very long story short but I had lost my engagement ring and had received a very healthy insurance payout. A few weeks later we were on a trip to New York with my children who were under 4yo. We were staying in a cheap hotel in Queens and had travelled into Manhattan for the day, and despite wearing very casual walking boots etc decided to pop into Tiffany’s to look at a replacement ring. Looked at a couple (way out of my price range as it turns out) and wondered how to say they were too expensive to very smart sales lady when there was a commotion behind me. The manager, carrying a tray of diamonds had tripped over my son who was playing with his toy Thomas the Tank Engine on the floor. Diamonds everywhere. Security dived in, no-one could leave, they were worried about my son in case he was hurt and we decided to sue (he was fine). I just stood there frozen with a ring of over $200,000 on my finger.

None of that is the wanky part…
I calmly turned to glamorous sales assistant and brayed in my very best RP that we would go back to the hotel “we’re staying at the Plaza, we’ll leave the children with the nanny and we’ll come back”. Sales lady smiled and said “of course, madam”.

It got worse…
Hustled out of there and made our way back to Queens, picking up a free newspaper from reception on the way to the room. Front cover “Plaza set to re-open tomorrow after closing for 3 weeks for refurbishment…”
We didn’t go back to Tiffany’s but we had a damn good laugh 😂

Oh I've got a worse anti-wanky or wanky-in-a-different-way just from last week

I'm out at an open day for a house near us for sale with along 30 people standing in the courtyard of it

Estate agent not letting anyone actually IN building to look round. He's saying it's not safe, the laminate flooring is lifting, planning permission is to knock it down etc, he stares down a couple of builder types and says 'it's been categorically turned down for flats' etc

I ask, mildly and in a NORMAL voice "Are you making appointments at all to see inside"

Agent says no

I then turn to this woman next to me who is looking as bemused as I am and I say "God, I've LIVED in't worse than that" - in apparently a Yorkshire accent

Not from Yorkshire

Never been to Yorkshire

Whole conversation taking place in London

Wtf 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😬

I asked someone to marry me when I was pissed, he said yes. It wasn't wanky, but he was a wanker. Seeing as accents & posh voices are mentioned, he put on a posh voice the first night we met. It was to impress me he said, I wasn't that shallow.

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

This is a fake wankery, but I did it. I was browsing property porn and asked for more details on a massive country estate, which arrived in the post practically leatherbound and on a velvet cushion. I had a good nose through it, then bunged it into the recycling. About a week later, my phone rang. It was the estate agent, enquiring if I'd like to make an appointment for a viewing.

I was a bit taken aback, but tried to rally. 'Oh, I'm not really sure, it depends on my husband's work' (my then boyfriend was a caretaker at a local school) 'It's difficult to commit to things at the moment, I'm not sure where he'll be posted (Yr9 toilets most likely)' Estate agent was getting more & more pushy about me arranging a viewing, and the longer the conversation went on, the posher and posher my voice got. I could tell he wasn't going to take no for an answer, so I said confidentially 'I'm just not sure it's the right house for us, really.' 'Oh, why not?'
'These things are just SO subjective, aren't they? It was the stables. I couldn't see they offered enough space for the horses.'

Said goodbye, and went out onto the patio to put the scooter in the shed

Love this story.