Thread for really fucking ugly houseplants

[ScribblyGum]

That you wish would just die naturally, but because they just won’t you are burdened by guilt with prolonging their pitiful heinous existence.

Here is my entry, a 14 month old poinsettia. Just look at the state of it, ugly Christmas 2019 bastard.
Can I bin it? No I cannot. Have I taken it outside to die by cold twice and then brought it back in again? Yes, yes I have.

JUST DIE WILL YOU.

Show me your horrid plants.

[Wren77]

L-R Harry, Ron and Hermione. Disappointing.

[ScribblyGum]

Yes Wren, very disappointing.

[BursarsDriedFrogPills]

Lolling at Harry, Ron and Hermione. That lot sure aren't going to make it through the Sorting Hat

[NutButterNutter]

I quite like Harry

[Catforaheadrest]

This is the funniest shit I’ve read for ages!! I wish I’d taken a picture of the Maidenhair Fern I SET FIRE TO to try to kill off the infestation it had.

Annoyingly, despite wikihow promising success, after months of a charred lump sitting on my windowsill, bugger all sprouted like the Phoenix I was hoping for.

[VenusClapTrap]

TheNoodlesIncident Sansevieria plants stink like the devil’s armpit when they die. It is a stench like no other.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

@VenusClapTrap What do you mean, die? Sansevieria can DIE?!

Who knew?!

[frostedviolets]

What do you mean, die? Sansevieria can DIE?!

Oh yes, water them too much and they rot and die 👹
We got given one years ago, I can’t stand them.
Ugly, ugly things.
Discovered quite by accident it really doesn’t like loads of water

[HebeMumsnet]

This thread has had lots of Classics nominations now so we're going to move it over there to continue thriving and flowering in a really fucking ugly way.

[lborgia]

@ScribblyGum - bit late, but I had a similar plant, and chopped it right back. 6 weeks later...ta dah!!! I'm SO proud.

I even kill cactus.

[123bananas]

I have managed to kill a peace lily that I had for over 10 years and DH's mum's geranium that she gave him before she died . We no longer have any live plants in the house. Only the ones in the garden are safe because DH is in charge of them. Send them to me and I will deal with them mmmwahhahha ☠️

[MusicianTom]

I can't send a picture because it was 40 years ago, but my DGran had a tall rubber plant in a pot next to the door to her conservatory. My DSis and I, helpful little souls that we were, would water it (watering can kept next to the plant) every time we passed it. Over time it lost all it's leaves from the soil up, ending up as a 6' stick, and everyone was so puzzled why it died...

[Beachcomber]

I've got a different problem. Bought a plant from ikea to go in a nice bright spot upstairs. Plant was quite small when I bought it. I basically neglect it other than emptying leftover water from a bedside glass in it once in a while when I'm passing the plant on my way downstairs.

Plant is massive now. It's so big it pokes us when we walk past it and it is taking over the upstairs landing. I don't have a bigger spot to move it too. It's big but not particularly attractive. Arsehole.

(that's a big laundry basket next to it for scale)

[Beachcomber]

The children are a bit afraid of it!

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

How have you all got peace lillies that won’t die? I’ve bought several over the years and they look lovely for a while then the little bastards just...give up. The leaves go yellow, rot from the base upwards and I pick them out in the hope of saving the rest until I’ve just got one sad frond gloating at me. Still, I’ve got some lovely (but empty) pots now.

I have recently mustered the courage to throw the Christmas poinsettia away though. No matter what conditions it was in (shade, not shade, partial shade, dappled light, light reflected from a Louis XV mirror, watered, not watered, watered with mineral water, watered with Sauvignon Blanc at a whisper below room temperature) it dropped leaves everywhere. But only when I was there, just to taunt me.

You know that bit in Good Omens when Crowley terrifies his houseplants and holds up an empty pot as a warning to the others (its original occupant having been fed into a shredder)? I’m going to play that on a loop to my plants, especially the strawberry plant that produces Jumanji-like quantities of runners but NO FUCKING STRAWBERRIES.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

@WhatIfWhatIfWhatIf

You got flowers AND actual strawberries? You’re just showing off now

[ScribblyGum]

@Iborgia I’m following your lead.
This is your live or die moment horrible fugly poinsettia. Your turn.

[woodencoffeetable]

adding dc's mandarin 'tree' which dropped almost all leaves over night...

[PerkingFaintly]

In awe at the courage of frostedviolets, HebeMumsnet and BrightYellowDaffodil in venturing onto this thread.

I mean, OBviously you're all perfectly delightful and not fucking ugly AT ALL. But aren't you just a leetle nervous...

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

@PerkingFaintly

But aren't you just a leetle nervous...

I’ll have you know my foliage is verdant and abundant, thank you very much

[PerkingFaintly]

Perhaps a namechange to BrightGreenFoliage in a few weeks' time, Daffodils? Followed by another to HealthyBrownBulbNoReally just for safety?

[lborgia]

@ScribblyGum - eek, the pressure!

In other plant related items, do you have any scribbly gums? We have paperbarks, and bog standard, and I’m just watching the soapy water run down them, it’s pouring here! Love the soap thing!

[lborgia]

@woodencoffeetable - we had a tree like that. 10 years of a few hopeful exciting leaves, and then wompf- all fell off. I think in the end I just closed my eyes and threw it in the bin.