People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Make a bed of whoppee cushions. Cover it with a blanket. Leave a packet of fags, some wet wipes and a small bin. Make it look inviting. Enjoy the giggles when they action sets off a dozen whooppees.

OP, please don't get your hedge-trimmers out. Go with the water thing.

Set your garden sprinkler to start working on a timer just after they usually get down to it.

Set your garden sprinkler to start working on a timer just after they usually get down to it.

I can see / hear it now...

Her: I'm soaking
Him: That's what I like to hear
Her: It's not you, you bloody idiot, I've just sat on the sprinkler!

Put some dog poo in it. Perhaps for next year plant something prickly if it's a regular thing!

That was an unfortunate typo considering

Livestream.

Omg this thread has me in stitches!

These comments have made my day! I'll be out with the dog later (she's scared of daytime and doesn't really know how to dog so we do all our outside activity under the cover of twilight and darkness) as usual so will inform you if they appear. I don't think it's prostitutes/clients - in fact, grossly I'm starting to be able to recognise them by sex noise so I know it's the same people each time. Boak.

I've never heard any of my local hedgehogs ask for a finger in the bum...

OK, and at that point I lost it.

Play them Right Said Fred's I'm too sexy?

I'm starting to be able to recognise them by sex noise

Thank heavens you're not lip reading. If you can manage that, you're way too close!

Why don't you put up a notice board saying 'Dogging Zone - £10.00 per hour' then a note underneath saying 'Sir, you currently owe 50p' :-)

How about "let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things..." playing loudly!

Or George Michael "I want your sex.."

@eurgh Whatever you say, you need to say it in your best Batman voice.

Or

(Oh, language and crassness warning for the above song)

Play this song for them OP.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6A8WjGP9SQE

I wonder if the bloke is called Russell?

@TornFromTheInside yep and she's called Holly.

Maybe they’ll branch out and go somewhere else 🤔

At least after sex, she can truly say she's bushed!

Is it a village?

I have a now elderly labrador who, when still in his youth, once found a shagging young couple next to a hedge and ran up to lick them all over.

First time I read that I totally missed that it was referring to a dog, not a person

Bowl of water. Buy a hose at your earliest convenience. Boak.

Sow a section of the hedge with Pyracantha instead. If that doesn't get rid of them nothing will!

Either stick on some Luther Vandross, or shout loudly "get out of my bush"

Get up offa that hedge ...