People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

I'd be flattered if my hedge excited people so much.

Oooooo they're hedge sex crazy, for beech wood fun,
And you never hear a badger ask for a finger up his bum.

If you don't feel brave enough to confront them, try spreading chicken manure in the vicinity. I am specific, as it is more offensively pungent than any other.

It should put them off and it will do wonders for your hedge.

You're onto something, OP. Next time they're at it, approach quietly and say: "So, the people on the internet are dying to know if you also like a finger up your bum, Gaz. What shall I tell them?"

1: Show up with a garden hose.

2: Narrate it like a nature special.

3: Motion-activated sprinklers.

4: Loom over them and say, "Y'know, the neighbor's dog pisses there."

5: GLITTER. GLITTER EVERYWHERE IN THAT SPOT.

6: Sneak up and yell, "BOO!"

7: Chalk outline of a body.

8: Yell out, "I see you brought someone different this time!" Let each of them wonder which one you're talking to.

9: Speaker + porn music.

10: Put up a sign advertising ticket sales for that time and spot.

11: Leave a pillow with a mint on it for them.

12: Play by play, wrestling style.

13: Mariachi band.

Just in case you're looking at adding to your Hedge/Trees of Glory playlist, may I suggest...

14: Small vending machine with condoms.

15: Popcorn stand and showtime marquee (see #10).

16: Disco ball.

17: Applause when they're done. Bonus if you can get the neighbors in on it.

18: Spotlights.

19: Snuggle up and with a grin, say, "Threesome?"

20: Threaten to ground them and tell them to go to their rooms.

This thread, paired with 'facinate' has brought me great joy over the last few days. Keep up the good work mumsnetters, I am so happy.

This thread has really made me laugh 😂😂😂😂.
I would be tempted to print and laminate a note for Gaz and attach it to a lamppost/fence in his street asking him & his hedge shagger to keep the noise down as it's upsetting your notsodogdog (and MN want to know if he likes a finger up the arse too??!!!!)

If you knew you were slipping out for a quickie wouldn’t you just go commando?

I think the lady might need them to catch something after the act if you know what I mean.

I love how the shaggers call people watching them 'perverts'.

I think a 'now wash your hands sign' would be quite fitting given what the guy likes to do with his hands!

This is so funny!!! 😂😂😂

Have just woken everyone in the house by laughing!

@arranfan I love that!

I cannot wait to see if they come back tonight lol

I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to read this thread yet. Life intrudes on my MN'ing sometimes. How dare it?!

Every time I see the double entendre in the title though I get the giggles.
😂😂

Update: I just bumped into my NDN whilst putting out the rubbish - she politely asked that I do not play music late at night in the garden
I apologised and explained the situation and that I thought he was called Gaz - turns out Gaz DOES live in the flats with his elderly mum and NDN also said "I'd put money on the woman being 'Tasha' (this is all speculation but NDN said Tasha has form for this and lives in the flats with her fella.)
NDN is no longer mad about the music 🎵

😂

Although I do like that we are seeing a deeper side to Gaz that he’s looking after his elderly mother. Maybe he’s left his job where he was just about to get a huge promotion to move into a small flat to look after his frail mother.

I know it could also be that he’s a bit of a waster and mooching but I prefer the other plot.

@MiddleClassProblem I don't know if he looks after her, I just know he lives with her. I'd like to think you're right though.
I haven't lived here long only a few months - I might try and strike up another convo with NDN again later and see what I can find out.
Will update if I find anything out
Sincerely, hedge perv.

eurgh It gets better and better! Thank you so much for this entertaining thread. Does helpful NDN have any other suggestions?

Ooooo just seen a wowcher deal for a 50ft garden hose!!!! 😂😂😂😂

To be honest Gaz doesn’t sound like too much of a catch.

It was too dark last night to take a picture of the trees so thought I'd show you what I was talking about. Picture is taken from beside sex hedge and looks down my boundary so you can see all the tall trees that the shaggers retreated to.

My OH has suggested leaving them some chunky kitkats and a bottle of lube. He is also giggling wanky at the never heard a badger/fox/hedgehog ask for a finger up the bum comments 😂

Can't see the picture on mobile