People keep having sex in my hedge...

[eurgh]

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Omg, can't believe some people! I think you need a megaphone and a helicopter. Or at least a big light and some helicopter noises...Or call the police and tell them you have seen an escaped criminal in your hedge (you think), maybe they will send the search helicopter

@eurgh in that case you may need an accomplice. And some walkie talkies. And perhaps a secret code?

I don't like to introduce something indelicate

Oh okay then I will

How does sex standing up work unless you have something sturdy against your back?

Feel free to explain to an ingenue - but don't use pictures - they'd be too much for me

So you have a beech hedge. How is this supportive enough?

Does Gaz have any answers?

A helicopter?

'The Spread Eagle has landed'

😀

Yeah, you should call 999 and say you have seen heard a man who has a weapon and not afraid to use it and wait for armed response unit to turn up and ambush them mid routine

I am wetting myself here, it's so funny. I would have moved the speaker and hit play again 😂

So funny! What about a slow press on a whooppee cushion followed by a quick one when they start. You could soak the ground so they get muddy feet/ slip when in action and decide to move somewhere else- or get some of that uv stuff the police use- spread liberally on ground, it’s invisible in normal light, then follow the footsteps visible only with a Uv torch and you’ll know where they live - your next thread is should you tell the other people in the flats

Shout out, 'Get a bloody room!'

How does sex standing up work

Easy, I ask for it, and you stand me up!

This needs to be put in mumsnet classics howling

Perhaps they are Norticulturists

@Thesearepearls I honestly couldn't tell you, I've lived a sheltered life and have never once had sex in a beech hedge, I can't actually see them so can't get any tips either.

They're defo not teenagers - I'd say 30's/40's by the sound of their voices/language etc

The thread that keeps on giving! This'll be on Kiose Women tomorrow!!!

Loose. Loose ffs!

Perhaps print these out and attach them to the hedge.

This is possibly the best thread I've ever read

Locally they are known as the Chelsea flower show...

She's called Chelsea, and she shows him her flower!

They're defo not teenagers - I'd say 30's/40's by the sound of their voices/language etc

To be fair, it's hard to accurately assess the tonality and age of someone's voice whilst they've got a twig up their bottom.

I've worked out how sex standing up against a floppy beech hedge can work. It took me a while to puzzle it out. but I think Gaz must have a shooting stick.

@TornFromTheInside it's not a twig up their bum, it's a finger.

I showed DH this and he said 'Are you saying you want to go in the garden and shag in the hedge?'
Me 'No!'
DH 'On the patio then?'
Me 'There are ants on the patio'
DH 'Shall I put the kettle on? D'you fancy tea and a Kitkat?'
Yes please!

Good Lord!

He needs to trim his nails as well as the lady's hedge then.

I wonder if gardening gloves are the right course of action for this.

A KitKat???

One finger was enough, never mind two!

Actually they are large Kitkats